Jump to content

told him how many people I have slept with...now he doesnt want to see me again

ladyjane83

By ladyjane83
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
Posted

Hey, apologies if this is a bit long. just want some poeples thoughts.

 

I met a guy online a couple of months ago, we chatted through email/phone for a while and have been on 2 very nice dates. Since the last date (a week ago) we have been textng everyday.

 

Now then, when we first started talking online he made it clear to me that he has very clear cut ideas about what he wants/doesnt want in a girl (looks and personality) which he can never find, and that he wanted to lay it all out straight away so neither of us wasted our time. As I got to find out these things we both realised that Im a very good match for what he wants and he is also very much what I want. However he said that the most important thing is that he could never be with a girl who had been too promiscous because it would always bother him, I didn't know what was "too promiscous" to him...but I'm not like that atall so didnt think I had anything to worry about. One evening when we were talking he asked me how many boyfriends I had had, I figured that was a polite way of asking how many people I had slept with. I told him the answer, 5...I have had 5 boyfriends (im 26) and they are the people I have slept with.

 

Anyway, so that was that...we agreed our first meet had a lovely time, went on a second date a few days later and again had a lovely time.

Now, last night we were texting back and forth and he said to me "are there anymore questions that you want to ask me now that we have met a couple of times?" I said not really, I would find things out as I got to know him. Then I asked if there was anything he wanted to ask me. So he sent "You probably knew this was coming because you know how important it is to me, and I understand if you dont want to answer, but how many people have you slept with?" Obviously I have to answer because if I didnt he would think I had something to hide..which I havent! texts are as follows:

 

Me: I kind of thought you had worked that out by asking how many boyfriends I'd had. Its the same answer x

 

Him: 5?

 

Me: Yeah...Is this where you stop talking to me?! x

 

Him:Was the night club owner one of them?

 

(I had told him on a date that I had once gone out with a guy who managed a night club)

 

Me: Yeah. I was with him for about a year, he was one of the boyfriends I told you about.

 

Him: Oh right.

 

Me:...is that not what you wanted to hear?

 

Him: Well I just wanted to hear the truth, so thats that.

 

Me: What do you mean? You make it sound like I have lied to you. I'm worried that you may have the wrong idea about me. I know "night club manager" sounds a but seedy, but he was just a guy that my friend introduced me to and that just happened to be his job.

 

(internet guy hates night clubs and the clubbing scene)

 

Him: No, I dont think you would lie

 

Me: But you seem a bit funny with me now. Ok, so I'm just going to ask...are you still interested in getting to know me better now? If you have been put off then I really do think that you have got the wrong idea/impression about me and thats a shame because I kind of thought it was going well.

 

Him: Sorry, but I would struggle with those things. I'm dissappointed because I think that in so many ways youre perfect and I know youre a good person. But your life with me would be hell because I know my own mind and I know that I would be always thinking about it.

 

Me: Struggle with what things? That I have had 5 boyfriends? I told you that before you even agreed to meet me for the first time so I dont see how that can change anything. And youre right I am a good person and in lots of ways I think I am what you are looking for so I think its a chame that you would give up on that for something in my past...that isnt even that bad compared to other girls...instead of getting to know me better as a person.

 

Looong break before response

 

Him: You're right, you are in so many ways exactly what I'm lookin for and I understand what you're saying. Going to bed now, so not being rude if I dont reply. Night night.

 

Me: Ok, um, not really sure how we are leaving it. I think the most important thing, instead of the past, is what we are both looking for now and from what we talked about I know that we are both looking for the same thing; a lasting and committed relationship with someone (we had talked previously about what we ultimately want from this) You're what I'm looking for and I'm pretty sure I'm what youre looking for so I think its silly to give up on it this quickly. You know you can ask me whatever you want and I will be honest with you, so that should help to deal with any questions/doubts you may have x

 

No reply

 

So..my questions are:What is he actually worried about? Is it the number...or that one of them was a night club manager?? And how have we left it? Did his last text mean: 'Yes youre right, i know what youre saying and Im being silly'....or is it 'yes youre right, i know what youre saying, but I wont chnage my mind'. Should I just give him time to think about it?

I know alot of you will wonder why I bothered about someone who is that judgemental, but I guess he cant help the things that bother him. Its just annoying because I know we are both exactly what eachother is looking for in partner we have such similar veiws/morals/opinions about relationships and have the chemistry to go with it..and it frustrates me that he would throw that away on something from the past that has no effect on the future.

And if that was such a big make or break for him..why not ask me right at the start so we didnt waste out time going on dates and getting to know each other.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

The problem is not how many men you have slept with and who they were. The problem is him. He has a strict checklist of criteria you have to comply with for him to even consider whether you are appropriate to date, he has rigid views on how many sexual partners you have had (and 5 is not promiscuous in my books) and then wants to vet you based on who your boyfriends were. OK so if you are able to get through all this, what will the next area of control be. He wants a "doll" not a woman. There will always be something that he won't be happy with. Is that what you want?

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted

That guy is immature as hell. If he cannot handle your past, he shouldn't be asking about it. It is as simple as that. The people you have or have not slept with have nothing to do with him at all unless he knows them. It wasn't his business to begin with, and your even answering the question was a courtesy. A courtesy, not a requirement.

 

Red flag. Huge, billowing red flag.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Would you happen to know if he's religious, at all?

That can sometimes have a bearing....

 

It sounds to me as if the issues are entirely on his end of things.

He seems to expect you to have gone out with all these guys (5, for goodness' sake!) but not slept with all - or any - of them.

What is his problem, exactly?

How many previous relationships has he had?

How many of those were celibate?

 

I'd leave the ball in his court, and let him get in touch.

If you hear nothing by next week, contact him and tell him that you assume, by his lack of contact, that he no longer wishes to see you?

What does he expect?

And if he thinks he's going to find a lady with a completely chaste past, he's going to have a monumental task on his hands....

 

Good luck.

But if he's this uptight now.... goodness me, maybe it's better this way!

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I know. and I m dissappointed because in so many ways he was exactly what I was looking for.

I guess what is really bothering me is: If the number was going to be such a big make or break...then why not just ask me upfront when I told him how many boyfriends Id had at the start. Why bother setting up dates to get to know eachother when obvioulsy my personality doesnt have anything to do with his judgement. Feels like a massive waste of my time and feelings.

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks TaraMaiden. No, I dont think he is religious. I'm not sure how many girlfiends he has had, but I know that he has slept with 4 people..so thats hardly any different to me!

I know he will never find a girl that tick all his criteria..and from what he has tld me, I definitly come the closest in terms of ticking all the boxes. Except this one obviously. Do you think his last text was him kind of understanding?...or is it that he understands but isnt going to change his thoughts?

Its so frustrating and feels like such a waste. we had been getting on so so well and I cant believe this one thing would put him off..rather than what he knows about me. My past would have no effect on our future as a couple would it!

So..do I just wait and see if I hear from him?

kaylatwine New Member

kaylatwine

Posted
Posted

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like he was looking for something wrong with you...

 

He's throwing up too many red flags anyways, better that you're able to move on now.

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I dont know. I get the impression that he liked me..so maybe he wanted to know this before he invested any more time, because it is important to him. But like I said before..if this was going to overshadow everything he knew about me as a person then why not just ask at the start and avoid wasting both our time and my feelings

InspiredbyYou Established Member

InspiredbyYou

Posted
Posted (edited)

The guy sounds like a chauvinistic tool! :rolleyes:

There is no right number with a guy like that, and at 26 to claim that you had 5 previous relationships and 5 sexual experiences is more than reasonable.

Did you ask him how many women he slept with?

 

If I could also add that in seeing how you handled the conversation my observation is that you were just too apologetic, never apologize for your past, never give a guy like that the upper hand to walk all over you and minimize you for his issues. That is how abuse starts with guys like that, they see your weakness and learn what buttons to push and they proceed to slowly but surely walk all over you and minimize you for their hang-ups.

 

 

Tell him to move to a non-secular country if he wants a virgin or in the least he should warn women ahead of time that is what he wants. I know he seemed like a good match but his reaction proves to you he couldn't be further from a good match for you, sorry.

 

Also wanted to add that he may have used that as an excuse.

Edited by InspiredbyYou
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

I'd tell him I can't get over the fact he's ONLY slept with 4 women - I mean, how inexperienced can that make him??

 

(Just kidding....)

 

As I suggested - give him the opportunity to get in touch, then ask him - if his past doesn't bother you - why should your past bother him?

What's his big problem?

because if this is going to be an issue with him and women - he's looking at being a celibate loner all his life.

 

Like I said - the problem, is his.

 

If you don't hear from him by next week, then contact him and ask if that's it then, because it's his loss.

He shouldn't go asking questions he might not like the answers to.....

InspiredbyYou Established Member

InspiredbyYou

Posted
Posted

I'd ditch the "if you don't hear from him" action. YOU cut the loser off and make the conscious decision to move on.

He is not coming back he already clearly stated it would bother him and he could never get over it, pfft....good riddance!

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Inspiredbyyou: Thanks. I know he wasnt just using this as an excuse...I know from talking to him that he doesnt waste his time and if he wasnt interested then I just wouldnt have heard from him again after our dates or he would have just told me outright. He isnt one for excuses. After our first date he text me saying he enjoyed it and he found me very attractive etc and so I asked him if its a positive verdict then and he replied with "yeah, I wouldnt be texting you if it wasnt" ...which I do believe he wouldnt from what he has told me about other girls! Yeah, he did warn me that he wouldnt want a girl that has "been around" but I didnt think 5 people at 26 was that bad?! particularly when its only 1 more than what he has slept with...although, he is 4 years older than me.

 

I guess what Im angry at is if the number of people I had slept with was going to cancel out all of the things he had found out about me as a person and what Im like as a girlfriend (loyal, honest, committed) then why not just ask me at the start and get it over and done with instead of wasting our time.

 

Taramaiden: I know I should wait for him to get in tough now, but that going to be hard! Im very unsure about how we have left things..and feel like I need to defend myself somewhat.

InspiredbyYou Established Member

InspiredbyYou

Posted
Posted (edited)

First of all stop with this idea that you have to defend yourself, you have nothing to prove to him at this point. You have done nothing wrong. The more you try to defend yourself if he does get in touch the more it will look like you are not only ashamed of your past, but maybe even trying to hide something. The clearest message you could send him to let him know that his judgment is ill-founded and falls on deaf ears is to cut him off, tell him you had some time to think since your last conversation and that you don't think things will work out. No further explanation needed.

 

I understand his actions made you angry but it is not the kind of thing that can be tactfully discussed up front and openly without even meeting someone first, let alone how he went about it over text and in such an aggressive yet cowardly manner after one date. The man has issues, believe that, it is not you it is 100% him. Do you really want to devote anymore of your energy trying to work those issues out? He has already told you basically he does not respect you (he said he would not be able to get over it) so he deserves no more time from you, pay him in kind and reserve your respect for a man that commands it. He most certainly does not. The disappearing act is a good indication of that...amongst other things.

Edited by InspiredbyYou
  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Its not that I want to defend myself and apologise for my past....its that I think he has got the complete wrong idea about me and its frustrating. I want to defend myself because I dont want someone thinking about me as something that I'm not. I am the least promiscuos person I know, I dont even LIKE sex that much! and it angers me that he has got the complete wrong image/idea about me!

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted
Its not that I want to defend myself and apologise for my past....its that I think he has got the complete wrong idea about me and its frustrating. I want to defend myself because I dont want someone thinking about me as something that I'm not. I am the least promiscuos person I know, I dont even LIKE sex that much! and it angers me that he has got the complete wrong image/idea about me!

 

Get used to people thinking things about you that are untrue. It happens, and nothing you can say will do anything except further cement the belief, as often as not.

 

He's wrong. That's all that matters. Does it really matter if an idiot realizes they are being an idiot? I tend to think it doesn't. Focus your mental energy towards those who actually deserve it, and give guys like this what they deserve; nothing.

temple Established Member

temple

Posted
Posted
Its not that I want to defend myself and apologise for my past....its that I think he has got the complete wrong idea about me and its frustrating. I want to defend myself because I dont want someone thinking about me as something that I'm not. I am the least promiscuos person I know, I dont even LIKE sex that much! and it angers me that he has got the complete wrong image/idea about me!

 

Ugh. He sounds dreadful. You don't need to defend yourself - you told him the truth: that you slept with 5 men. Whether he thinks that's promiscuous or not, that's his problem. I'd stay well away from a man who judges a woman's worth on the number of men she's slept with.

InspiredbyYou Established Member

InspiredbyYou

Posted
Posted
I want to defend myself because I dont want someone thinking about me as something that I'm not. I am the least promiscuos person I know, I dont even LIKE sex that much! and it angers me that he has got the complete wrong image/idea about me!

 

 

Nothing you can say will change how he thinks, he WANTS to think that way and you have given him nothing (reasonable) to ignite that. So the reason I am saying it is pointless to explain anything even if you do get the chance is that he sees you in a certain way and there is nothing you can say to defend that because he is measuring your past through his own twisted compass. Do you see what I am saying? He is now stuck on the #5 people you slept with and he's made that the issue. What could you even explain? "I only had sex with each one once," just to make him feel better about you? You did NOTHING wrong. I understand you feel frustrated and this is unfair but send him a nasty email or text about how he handled things if it will make you feel better just don't explain anything more about your past, trust me that will do nothing for you.

 

When someone tells you they are not interested in pursuing something with you for whatever reason never try to reason them out of their decision. That does not work. If you want to save face, simply to cut him off. ;)

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Im still not sure about his last message though...was that him kind of coming round a bit? I dont know.

temple Established Member

temple

Posted
Posted

Why do you even want him after he's revealed these colours?

Vertex Established Member

Vertex

Posted
Posted

He's slept with 4 but you sleeping with 5 is somehow a lot worse?

 

His responses regarding the matter come across as very immature and unreasonable to me.

 

Get used to people thinking things about you that are untrue. It happens, and nothing you can say will do anything except further cement the belief, as often as not.

 

He's wrong. That's all that matters. Does it really matter if an idiot realizes they are being an idiot? I tend to think it doesn't. Focus your mental energy towards those who actually deserve it, and give guys like this what they deserve; nothing.

 

Mr. Saiya-jin here speaks the truth. Quoted for emphasis.

 

It's possible that he may be using your sexual past to unfairly paint you as some sort of flippant party girl when this is not the case. All you can do is show him your true colors, which you have -- and answering his question in the first place about the matter was something you were totally not expected to divulge.

 

However, he's made it clear that, even if the reasoning is hypocritical on his behalf, your sexual past is going to be hard for him to get over. His last message seems like more of a reluctant placation than a serious consideration.

  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I dont know. If it was just an initial freak out and then he realsied he was over reacting then I could forgive that, Because before this I really liked him, and thought he liked me too. And I'm confused about how we left things...I dont know if thats it or not. From what I know of him, I would have thought he would have sent the text saying that he wouldnt beable to get past those things (and I still dont know what things he means...the number or the night club guy?) and then that would be it..not hear from him again. but then I got the last text saying what it did and I dont know what that means "yeah youre right...I understand what youre saying" and then to put "night night" at the end, which is what he texts me most nights, is like a nice, cute thing to write...not what you say to someone your p***** off with. I guess Im just confused now. Want to know where I stand.

Bejita463 Established Member

Bejita463

Posted
Posted

Even if he realizes he overreacted, that was not a minor mistake. What he asked was really not his business to ask, and his reaction was seriously out of line. This is not a "oops, I said something stupid" situation. This is a "I just demonstrated glaring ignorance" situation. What exactly makes him so superior to you that he has the right to pass judgment on you? That IS what he did, I hope you realize.

Vertex Established Member

Vertex

Posted
Posted (edited)
I dont know. If it was just an initial freak out and then he realsied he was over reacting then I could forgive that, Because before this I really liked him, and thought he liked me too. And I'm confused about how we left things...I dont know if thats it or not. From what I know of him, I would have thought he would have sent the text saying that he wouldnt beable to get past those things (and I still dont know what things he means...the number or the night club guy?) and then that would be it..not hear from him again. but then I got the last text saying what it did and I dont know what that means "yeah youre right...I understand what youre saying" and then to put "night night" at the end, which is what he texts me most nights, is like a nice, cute thing to write...not what you say to someone your p***** off with. I guess Im just confused now. Want to know where I stand.

 

In my opinion, he possesses a more deepseated insecurity that isn't going to disappear over the course of just a few text messages. The type of people who feel the need to dig into your sexual past and make a fuss over who you may have slept with are typically insecure/immature and will use that information as leverage against you if things get rough (as most relationships do experience some degree of turbulence at some point).

 

I understand that if everything else so far has felt great, it is desirable to hold onto those notions and try to justify hiccups such as this sexual-past issue as deviant flaws that will hopefully remain dead after discussion. The problem is that these "hiccups," especially so early in the process, are better known as "red flags." They should really be taken into account, amongst all other things, since most people find that relationships go bad for reasons relating to those red flags they noticed in the first place!

 

Are red flags necessarily dealbreakers? No -- but I think it's important to assess red flags on their own merits. In this case, this red flag points to insecurity and immaturity, which may or may not be dealbreakers for you. For many others and myself, they are, at least.

Edited by Vertex
  • Author
ladyjane83 Established Member

ladyjane83

Posted
  • Author
Posted

It's possible that he may be using your sexual past to unfairly paint you as some sort of flippant party girl when this is not the case. All you can do is show him your true colors, which you have -- and answering his question in the first place about the matter was something you were totally not expected to divulge.

 

Thats my point though, and what makes me angry. Surely what he has got to know about me as a person is a much better reflection of my "true colours" than how many boyfriends Ive had in the past? And I was with my last boyfriend for 4 years..so obviously I can have a committed relationship! We talked about what we want in a partner and the way we are when we are in a relationship, he knows Im not a party girl because I hardly ever go out...would much prefer to stay in with my partner (if I had one!), and thats the way he is too. He said previously that he like the way I am and that he can tell that I would be very trustworthy. So why should this new information change that?? He could find a girl who is a virgin and never had a boyfiend before..but it doesnt mean that she would be a good and trustworthy girlfriend! To me, what the person is like now is much more important.

stevejohnson1976 Established Member

stevejohnson1976

Posted
Posted

you are better off not taking this any further.

 

he must be VERY insecure.

 

buyer beware

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...