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.. this girl I dated for 4 months just calls it quits over xmas

Martian536

By Martian536
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Martian536 Member

Martian536

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Hi all, this is very confusing dilemma Im facing.. I just came off a 7 year relationship with my ex fiance about 9 months ago, i meet an awesome girl who at first i thought would be a rebound but she definately swooped me off my feet.. im not sure if its because of our sexual chemistry and all that might have ruined things too fast but this is what happened.. this girl is way younger 23 and im 29.. and i think its because of her age that she doesn't know what the heck she wants.. anyway, we hang out alot.. sometimes maybe too much but she went with the flow..

 

so anyways, we've been dating since August.. she knew about my past and she would give signs like she was the one scared to be hurt by me because of my past.. and she also had a horrible past with her last 2 boyfriends (each of 2 years).. the last guy cheated on her and she caught photos of him with the girl naked or something crazy like that.. so anyway, fast forward to to this month.. we've been doing good so far and her main stressors are that she has to care for her elderly mother (she lives alone with her mother) and has a deadbeat dad who left her mom when she was around 15 but he comes around to visit once in awhile.. im not sure if this is also a cause of her abandonment issues..

 

so anyway, im probably lusting at her because she is beautiful and our physical chemsitry is great.. but anyway, come Xmas time.. last weekend we had a little argument because she was going out with her girlfriend and they were going to do some party drugs and i freaked out of concern and she got upset but told her it was only because it was about drugs.. i was getting worried that she was giving into peer pressure.. from there on, she hasn't been the same.. she felt like i was controlling her..

 

then she stopped calling or texting or acting responsive as usual and said she'll just see me in 2 weeks (my bday).. i was kinda sad that she wouldn't be spending xmas or new years with me anymore..... so we didn't see or talk to each other the same way for a few days.. then xmas comes and she actually comes by on xmas eve and we become passionately intimate again...

 

then that was the last time I saw her.. after she went home, she went back to her usual ways.. then i called her and just spilled it all out.. i asked her "why does it seem like you're ignoring me lately, is there something wrong.." then she just let it all out and says she thinks we should just be friends and she thinks im monopolizing her time?!..

 

thats when it threw me off guard.. i told her she shouldn't have visited me on xmas and make it seem like everything is okay and just move on from there, its like she gave me a last piece of her before ending things.. i mean this girl is confused.. she makes it seem like i smothered her but she basically said "she just went with the flow of things in the beginning" but realizes she can't be doing this to herself.. she said thats what messed her up in her last relationship, she became codependent.. but i didn't even see it anywhere like that.. she still did well in school (she stresses alot over school because she is close to finishing and she also said she just wants someone to care for her while she cares for her mom..) and one time she whisphered in my ear asleep "please don't leave me" (abandonment issue?).. she made it seem like she was bitter and wanted someone there for her.. and i took these signs the wrong way.. maybe i cared for her too much but she seems to be blaming alot of her personal problems on our relationship..

 

so i let her go and im giving her space.. my birthday is in a week and she promised me she'd see me on my birthday when she first started ignorning me but now i don't know if she will..

 

 

GIRLS, have any of you done this to a guy your dating because you ASSUMED like your relationship with teh guy was making your own personal problems harder to deal with?? im just blindsided again all of a sudden.. im not sure if she's scared to get hurt by me because of my ex or her own past is haunting her (oh and her ex-bf's birthday was on the 23rd of december is what i found out from her friend).. so not sure if that reminded her of her past..

 

im soo freakin confused....

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Bottom line is, I think she needs counselling, because she has a lot on her plate right now, and I don't think she even knows what she wants herself.

I think she's in too fragile a state to commit to a serious relationship, and I think you need to be supportive of her, but platonic.

She can't cope.

But then, neither should you have to.

 

Suggest she consider counselling because I think she does have serious abandonment issues, but she's pushing you away, which is understandable.

 

If she pushes you, then you can't abandon her, can you?

 

Tell her you'll be supportive, but that you'll be there just as a freind, until she feels ready to commit to a relationship, then maybe you can both review the situation.

That said - it depends how committed you are, too....

 

Bit messy, this....

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Martian536 Member

Martian536

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Bottom line is, I think she needs counselling, because she has a lot on her plate right now, and I don't think she even knows what she wants herself.

I think she's in too fragile a state to commit to a serious relationship, and I think you need to be supportive of her, but platonic.

She can't cope.

But then, neither should you have to.

 

Suggest she consider counselling because I think she does have serious abandonment issues, but she's pushing you away, which is understandable.

 

If she pushes you, then you can't abandon her, can you?

 

Tell her you'll be supportive, but that you'll be there just as a freind, until she feels ready to commit to a relationship, then maybe you can both review the situation.

That said - it depends how committed you are, too....

 

Bit messy, this....

 

WOW.. this is exactly what I want to believe because everything started falling apart that night I got upset (or showed too much concern where I sounded upset) about her joining her girlfriend to do drugs at some club... then it was our stupid text msging back and forth and we both said some mean stuff..

 

first she said "okay, im going to leave you so i only have myself to blame when life turns to sh*t" and then i don't know why I countered with "if its that easy to lose you and that hard to care for you, then so be it.."

 

thats when i think i lost her trust in me... but i really do care for her, i see a caring girl behind her weird tantrums... i hope she'll call me on my bday and ill know what im dealing with from now on..

DenverBachelor Established Member

DenverBachelor

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WOW.. this is exactly what I want to believe because everything started falling apart that night I got upset (or showed too much concern where I sounded upset) about her joining her girlfriend to do drugs at some club... then it was our stupid text msging back and forth and we both said some mean stuff..

 

first she said "okay, im going to leave you so i only have myself to blame when life turns to sh*t" and then i don't know why I countered with "if its that easy to lose you and that hard to care for you, then so be it.."

 

thats when i think i lost her trust in me... but i really do care for her, i see a caring girl behind her weird tantrums... i hope she'll call me on my bday and ill know what im dealing with from now on..

 

You're almost 30 and she's in her early 20's. She's out doing party drugs and you're acting like her father (I'm not saying this in a bad way, but that's how she probably sees this). She probably mentioned it to her best friend and they probably talked about how "square" you were. Plus you're coming out of a relationship and she's just looking to have a good time.

 

What are you seeking from this? I mean, this *is* a rebound. She knows it. You know it. Are you looking to get back into a relationship? Are you out to have a good time and just kick it? She sounds like she's just doing her thing and going through her party phase while you're getting out of a long-term relationship and looking for an emotional aspirin from the previous heart-ache you experienced.

 

Again, not trying to make this a derogatory thing on anyone's part. She's probably doing X and a line in the bathroom while thinking you're looking at the white picket fence and dog. Just two different worlds here. Nobody is right or wrong but you're both approaching this from different angles. She probably thought you were cute and attractive but as soon as you came off with the "drugs are bad" speech, she probably didn't want the hassle of being fathered.

 

I could be way off base but that's how I see it from what you provided.

adamt Established Member

adamt

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Posted (edited)

sometimes you go out with someone and you are heading on different paths in different directions. I was with my ex for 3 years. first 2 years or so was great we were looking to buy a house together. settling down..etc then her mom got ill and passed away and things changed. she used to like to stay in and not drink much, then she ended up drinking more, late nights out more, visit lots of her friends. she was changing but didnt want me to come along for the ride. i believe there was very little i could have done to stop her or trying to go along with her. she was detaching herself to the point she was hoping i would do the breaking up. It turned on its head as i used to be the one who liked going out and she liked cosy nights in. At the moment she has no interest in a relationship and just wants to do what she wants to do. Sometimes It still messes with my head how things have turned out. but no way are we getting back together.

 

What i am saying is you might be a good for each other at that moment in time but sometimes both people are at different points in their lifes. you are like two ships who docked in the same port for a while, one is now heading to the carribbean and the other is heading to norway. the chances are you will never be in the same port again. but once you know which direction you are sailing you will be back to visiting more ports and find another ship to dock with. eventually one will be sailing the same places as you.

Edited by adamt
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Martian536 Member

Martian536

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I appreciate all the responses.. I do party with her and her best friend the same way.. it was only when it was starting to get out of hand and I was just looking out for her because she was starting to "abuse" drugs to have fun at almost any surrounding...

 

I'm also starting to assume this is a classic case of BPD (Borderline Personality Syndrome).. where the first 1-4 months, everything was great and all of a sudden, she's psychotic.. she's one of the most indecisive people I've ever met.. i was just in lust i suppose..

HLP234 Established Member

HLP234

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At her age, she is experiencing the time where she feels the need to be on her own and do what she wants. If it got to the point where she is just thinking about herself and not considering you care, which is what happened to me too, there is nothing you can do but let her be. People change for odd reasons at different times and you won't notice usually until it is too late.

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

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last weekend we had a little argument because she was going out with her girlfriend and they were going to do some party drugs and i freaked out of concern and she got upset but told her it was only because it was about drugs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"only" about the drugs? you were right to "freak" about it. i wonder what those drugs might have been, but i'm fairly sure i know.

i would dump her & move on. she's got issues WAY out of your control

LovelyDaze Established Member

LovelyDaze

Posted
Posted
sometimes you go out with someone and you are heading on different paths in different directions. I was with my ex for 3 years. first 2 years or so was great we were looking to buy a house together. settling down..etc then her mom got ill and passed away and things changed. she used to like to stay in and not drink much, then she ended up drinking more, late nights out more, visit lots of her friends. she was changing but didnt want me to come along for the ride. i believe there was very little i could have done to stop her or trying to go along with her. she was detaching herself to the point she was hoping i would do the breaking up. It turned on its head as i used to be the one who liked going out and she liked cosy nights in. At the moment she has no interest in a relationship and just wants to do what she wants to do. Sometimes It still messes with my head how things have turned out. but no way are we getting back together.

 

What i am saying is you might be a good for each other at that moment in time but sometimes both people are at different points in their lifes. you are like two ships who docked in the same port for a while, one is now heading to the carribbean and the other is heading to norway. the chances are you will never be in the same port again. but once you know which direction you are sailing you will be back to visiting more ports and find another ship to dock with. eventually one will be sailing the same places as you.

 

I love this. My ex is doing the same at 30 with his 18 year old fiance'. He admitted that it is the drama of their high intensive fighting, jealousy and break-up-to-make-up business that keeps him in there.

 

My ex was also with a 17 year old when he was in his mid-20s and did the same thing: Got engaged, fuss & fought, then eventually she grew up(he stated) & they split before the wedding.

I am around the same age as him yet even he & I were on two different ships going in two different directions.

 

If I were the OP, I would just chalk it up to ages and stages. People are in polar opposite worlds all the time, that's why there are a lot of broken hearts out there.

p01130 Member

p01130

Posted
Posted (edited)

All of your posts have brought some good light into my situation...

 

I am going to something similar with an ex that was eight years younger than me, and I think after almost two years, she wanted to figure out herself and be on her own...

 

Thanks

Edited by p01130
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Martian536 Member

Martian536

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Wow.. hopefully this girl is starting to understand why we're both crash and burned too quick and how both of our own insecurities lead us to where we were. As for the drugs, it was doing X and one of her close friends started getting caught up but she just started messing around with that and I think me freaking out made her think twice about what she's getting herself into because I told her I use to do all that crap several years ago and its not just a phase. Deep down inside, she's a smart humble non materialistic girl but her external stresses (school, her single elderly mom that she lives alone with, etc.. make her very insecure for a pretty lady)...

 

I wrote her email explaining that it wasn't fair that we were on opposite ends of the "experience spectrum".. she has 2 2-year relationships from like 17-22 years old which is barely much but i think she got out of it a little over a year ago as well but im sure the lingering effect was nowhere close to mine... they weren't anywhere close to my single 8 year cohabitual relationship.. I immediately stopped doing what we were use to doing in which she just went with the flow because she's not use to it and backed off a whole lot..almost like i put a brake to everything she's use to getting from me... I told her in the email that if any one of us needs to be alone and work on himself, it'd be me... I understand its not fair that I could possibly be using her as an emotional crutch but she definately has helped me get over my ex.. I know its only been 9 months but the lust/chemistry that was with my ex is nowhere close to this and its not just physical.. we have a very common strange sense of humor.. I am very picky when it comes to physical chemistry and I definatley like the way we treat each other.. its just that I possibly see her backing off in fear as she use to joke around with me and call me an "emotional wreck" and say stuff like "your ex messed you up" and at times she'd say if my ex came back, she'd understand if I went back because it was such a long relationship and if she really cared about me, we'd still be friends.. and i was so stupid to even say stuff like "the only thing I worry is if she comes chasing after me.." but i wouldn't say i would go back.. just fear of my ex reaching out to me and begging to come back even if she's the one who dumped me.... i just shot myself in the foot..

 

Anyhow, I invited her and her sister and friend out to go snowboarding as a way to back off from here on a good note and we actually spent the whole day together in a positive relaxed way without really talking about what's left of us assuming she did read my email.. it was weird.. sorta like we gotta start off as friends and keep the intimacy low since we rushed it too fast in the beginning but i am really backing off and getting my life back and so is she.. i think if we can be strong about letting each other go for a bit but not too much and then pace ourselves, we can meet each other halfway alot better.. she would still call me "babe" in front of her friends and i can see how she's trying her best to fight not being too close to me.. but it was like we knew we would support each other to make ourselves whole.. its like we both needed more ME time but we knew we were there for each other to become close to when needed.. im hoping we become really closer because we're no longer just interested in each other's bodies anymore and have a strong foundation as to why we really could be meant for each other instead of me trying to "father her" or be her hero.. as for my birthday, if she calls, she calls.. if she doesn't, then i gotta accept and move on but im glad i left her on a good note... wish me luck.

Edited by Martian536
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