conflicted...

[Emotional24]

Not sure if anyone can relate but here it is. For past 10 years my ex & I have been in and out of each others lives. I ended things last summer because I am a christian and he is not. This was very hard for me because I love him, we are great together (after getting through some difficult times & growing up), and we have so much in common in all aspects except for our beliefs in God. So this was leaving me feeling disconnected with one another and leaving me to realize unless I marry a christian, I won't be as happy as I think I could be.

 

Well just this past weekend, he came to me, saying he is open to going to church and keeping an open mind to it. He is at this point not set in stone in never being able to be a christian but also can't make me any promises. I am completely surprised that this has come about! We are starting to talk again and I plan to invite him to church as much as I can. I've been praying for God to keep working on him and now this has happened! But i also know if he does become a christian on his own, we still may not be right for each other...

 

we went to get some food then to a movie last night...there's still attraction there, we had a great time but I also know at this point in time, I shouldn't get involved with him or anyone. But I do miss him and am thinking about things as far as a future goes with him. But at the same time I'm not attracted to him like I use to be back ten years ago. we had such a heated passion but I feel that is gone now. Is that important? I really do "care about him" kinda love but I'm also not sure if I'm necessarily "in love" with him and if this is who God wants for me??? Obviously if he's not a christian right now but what if he eventually does become one?

 

I'm not really sure what I'm asking...I plan to just keep praying and focusing on God and myself like I've been yearning to do and maybe I am his witness to be a christian?? I guess my issues are 1.) the Christianity and 2.) not sure the "spark" is there anymore...that maybe the love I have for him isn't the right kind? How do you determine that? We have known eachother on and off for ten years! So i understand why those "firsts" feelings aren't there...but he still makes me nervous/anxious!

 

I also want to be fair to him so he is aware that I am not certain and want to see what happens...and that I want to be single for a little while and sort things out for myself. I love having him in my life and would like to hope that we could be friends if that's all that comes of this but I also know he loves me and wants to be with me so I don't want to hurt him....but I want to be there for him, for the chance that he could become a Christian someday seeing how he is open to it now...

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

Listen up - you're going to get a lot of replies from people who aren't Christian, and might in some way imply that your ideas are all mixed up because your belief is clouding the issue, and loads of replies form God-fearing, Good Christian folk who might tell you to keep your faith and trust in God and pray regularly for guidance.

 

I'm Buddhist, ex-Christian, so I kinda fall into both camps.

 

 

Your dilemma is that your emotional romantic aspirations are conflicting with your righteous Religious practice.

 

Simple truth is - you'd like it all ways.

But it's not going to happen.

Religious beliefs aside, you can't rekindle something that has died. This man has developed more into a companionable 'brother-like' love for you, and the passion isn't there any more.

Believe me, you can pray (if you had a mind to) for its return until you're blue in the face. It won't come back.

Once you're over that tingling passionate erotic phase, and that aspect has gone, you won't be able to retrieve it.

so I think in all fairness, you have to admit to him, immediately, that a romantic committed relationship is not possible with him.

Here's where you run the risk of driving him away from the church.

If this happens, his heart was more into you than into finding God.

If he continues coming to church, then you could safely say he really does want to give the church a go, and all kudos to him for persisting.

 

You're not going to be able to sort this out without a bit of turmoil, and something's got to give.

Well, you'll just have to cope with it and take it on the chin.

It would be wonderful if it could all work out charmingly, but as I'm sure you well know - Life ain't like that.

You have to be honest with him, and maintain your faith in God.

But what your fella does, is up to him.

Matters of the (romantic) heart do not always run parallel with matters of the (spiritual) heart.

And there's no reason why they should.

in fact, the former is a distraction to the latter.

And this is why you're confused.....

 

But I hope it all pans out for you.

[Desperado77]

I understand your situation and have seen it before.

 

I propose that if you want to get involved with him, you have to work on the basis that he will not become a Christian – otherwise you may be counting on something that may not happen. Or he may become a Christian, and then a year or two later, decide that it is not for him. I’ve seen all this before – it can end in disaster, but it also be successful – it depends on the strength of both your characters and personalities.

 

If you can not accept this, then probably best not to do it, because at some point it will become too big an issue and will divide you both.

 

Looks like he is making a step forward in goodwill in exploring Christianity, but no doubt, some of this has to do with making an impression on you.

 

If you want your partner to be a Christian too, then that’s fine, best not to get involved with him.

 

On the other hand, could be that this relationship is what is best for you. What else has happened in the past 10yrs? Have you prayed about this issue?

[Emotional24]

Well...I sent him an email restating where I'm at. That I am just wanting to focus on me and school and see what may come my way...and how I want the same for him. But I mainly specified how in him wanting to go to church should really be more about doing so for himself than as a way to get me back because I can't promise him that'll happen. But I also told him I'd be more than happy to be there for him to experience God and the church if he truly wants to. I know I am not really feeling that "spark" but I also sense there is something still there because although I like the idea of being able to just be friends...i'm not sure that'd be possible cuz it may be hard to just be that. But at the same time I also have to remind myself, even if there is or can be a spark there again, I have to remember that he, at this point, is not a christian. And even if he does become one, one day, that may not mean we are right for eachother either. If just looking at the Christianity part, I'd be satisfied if he ended up just believing there is a God, something bigger out there after you die. That would make me very happy. Then again...that may never happen...

 

I guess all I know is at this point in time, I am willing to go with him to church and help keep him open to God. That's all i can do right now, if he's willing to do this. But I'm also being fair to him, in that he knows up front that just because he is open to this, doesn't mean we will for sure get back together. So i guess I will just have to keep praying and eventually I will get an answer or it'll somehow all fall into place the way it should. He'd be my little miracle if he were to become truly a Christian

 

I'm just waiting for him to reply now to my email...

[Emotional24]

oh and with dating on and off over past ten years...reasons for breaking up have all differed but as we've grown, we've become more mature and better in important aspects of what I look for in a relationship. Trust, communication, sense of humor, same interests...trust and communication was our initial struggle but that was long ago and since, have had no issues there

 

I think this is why I'm also struggling...after that initial "honeymoon phase" and experiencing the "firsts", what I want in a relationship in the afterfact is what him & I share....aside from the belief in God. And I'm wondering if the connection I'm feeling that is missing is the spiritual one and if that is gained on his end, that maybe we could potentially grow into something even greater with that connection? hmmm.....I really do feel he is my best friend, something I desire to have with my significant other. We have been through a lot together and we still love eachother. He is the closest thing I have come to when it comes to real love. Others I have dated, don't even compare. So can you see why I am conflicted? I know I won't go back to him if he decides to remain without the belief in God because the last time we tried, I thought I could accept this...only later did it affect me and it obviously ended. So I guess I really am in a pickle???

 

Then I feel a sense of disappointment if I did end up with him as a non-christian because in a silly way, I don't want to let God down...and I wonder if he does have someone else better suited for me??? Thena gain, there is such a thing called free-will and doing what you think is best for you....

[Boundary Problem]

The biggest problem seems to be the lack of spark. That is insurmountable.

 

 

Another problem seems to be his religion.

 

 

 

Do you feel attracted to men at all, because perhaps your relationship with religion is such that you don't feel the need for a man in your life? Does religion bring that "spark" into your life, or do you think you could share the right man with your love for religion?

 

 

Put it this way, the only reason you seem to be spending time with him is because of shared history (not a good reason) and friendship (well that is friendship).

 

You don't seem to be saying that if you met him today he would make you excited. Which brings me back to my first point which is you don't feel a spark with him. Isn't that what it is supposed to all be about?

[Emotional24]

I am by no means one I would consider to be a religious person...in my eyes. I mean, I don't go to church every week, I just know I should more often...I go about once or twice a month, depending on my work schedule. And I pray and talk to God everyday and believe in heaven and hell...and so on. But I also yearn to become a better christian and would love to join a bible study group someday. I guess when it comes to my significant other, I would love to be able to share this same belief and grow in that faith together. When it comes to dating, them being a Christian is one thing I do look for now otherwise I won't even think to get serious with them just to save myself from feeling this sort of a dilemma. I have tried to tell myself, if you truly love someone, their faith shouldn't matter...but the more I tried to accept theirs, the stronger I felt God and that something was wrong???

 

I do sense we could have a great friendship, if anything but I'm not sure that'd be fair to him or to myself. And maybe that's all that this has resorted to. But then I catch myself picturing a life with him and sharing it together!! But then I'm not sure I'm attracted to him like I use to be. Yes, we use to have that heated, sexual attraction...but to me, that is lust and what we now have is love. We are both 28 years old, so we have been around and experienced relationships..if that even has any relevance.

 

I guess I'm not going to think about how I should or shouldn't feel or what I should or shouldn't do. If he happens to go to church with me and wants to keep an open mind to God, then I will handle that with him. I don't want to not be there for him for this because then he may also not take the initiative to pursue that faith.

 

Also, whenever I talk about him and how I feel, and how much I love him, I get teary-eyed!!! Why would I do this???

Edited December 30, 2009 by Emotional24

[TaraMaiden]

Could be a couple of reasons...

regret that you don't love him the way you'd like to, or guilt that you might hurt his feelings.

Even a combination of both, perhaps....?

[Emotional24]

That could be...

 

so what do I do? take myself back outta his life completely or should I try to see what happens with his faith, us, and if its all we can be, friends?