So, I finally have some self-esteem, but still really doubt someone can love me

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Well, I've come a long, long way in this department over the last 20 years. For a lot of the time, it felt like I was clawing my way out of...OK, I have to go with the cliche, like clawing my way out of a black hole, because it did feel, a lot of the time, like some force of uber-gravity was trying to suck me back down again.

 

So, yeah, I've finally made friends with myself, learned to love myself. I've mentioned this in other threads, so it may seem redundant...but it's still something I marvel at. It doesn't seem that long ago that I would look in the mirror and think, "You worthless piece of sh*t? Why are you still around?"

 

It's taken a lot of time, a lot of luck, a lot of love from others, and a lot of goddam work to reach this point. Here's my dilemma, though: I know, I've read, I've heard, that loving yourself is essential in order to find love with someone else. I believe that my friends love me, with no reservations, but when it comes to a romantic relationship, to envisioning a man who will love only me, want to be with and stay with me, forsaking all others...well, I still don't believe that will happen for me.

 

I'd like to present an analogy, 'cause I love a good analogy (though I'm not sure this is one!)

 

Say I had a cat, and it was prone to every issue known to catdom. Say it puked on the carpet, peed on the bed, shredded the sofa, swiped a claw down my leg for no reason, yowled in the middle of the night, hid under the bed and wouldn't come out, refused to eat, then knocked over the trash digging for scraps. Say that despite all its many faults, I loved this cat dearly. I loved it for its spirit, its scrappiness, its uniqueness. For whatever reason, I just loved it...but I'd never expect anyone else to.

 

That's kind of how I feel about me.

[Skittles]

when it comes to a romantic relationship, to envisioning a man who will love only me, want to be with and stay with me, forsaking all others...well, I still don't believe that will happen for me.

 

 

Why Q Dancer, why don't you believe that you will be loved?

 

I am not being cynical, but I think its hard for anyone to find a partner who will forsake all others...Just read some of these posts...

 

People cheat and leave each other alot and I am not judging that because boy oh boy, I know how difficult being a human being can be....We are driven by the most hidden of motivations at times.

 

.But that shouldn't stop you from being open to a relationship...There are no guarantees in life about anything....And you just might hook up with someone who adores you, like that peeing cat you describe...hahah

 

So I guess love is a crap shoot, a gamble, etc...

 

But like they say about " The Lottery"....ya gotta be in it to win it...

 

I predict that when you stop thinking about how unlovable you are or feeling afraid of getting hurt...you will meet someone.... :

 

There are tons of singles, divorced folks out there...Just waiting for your smiling face.

 

 

Enjoy...

[dyermaker]

I love a good analogy too

 

So my question to you is, what do you do with the cat? Do you let it live a normal cat life, despite its faults, or do you give up and have the thing put down?

 

That's kinda how I feel about you. You need to give yourself a chance, and let someone else see the good qualities of you, Don Gato.

[moimeme]

well, I still don't believe that will happen for me.

 

Actually, me, too. Not for the same reasons. But me too.

[Skittles]

Why ?

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Originally posted by moimeme

well, I still don't believe that will happen for me.

 

Actually, me, too. Not for the same reasons. But me too.

 

Oh, moimeme, I don't think I've ever been so shocked.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

I just wanted to add a thought. I think the crux of the matter, for me, is acceptance. I've come to accept myself, "warts and all," as they say. But to believe that a man could accept me that way? I suppose, intellectually, that I could believe it, but to believe that in my heart? That's still very, very difficult.

 

My therapist asked me recently why I never talk about getting married. I said that if I met someone I could really love, and that I really believed loved me, then, yes, I'd consider getting married. But I felt the same way about that possibility as I did about the possibility that I'd suddenly sprout wings and fly across the Atlantic: either one *might* happen, but they were both very, very unlikely.

[yes]

i'll tell you my view cuz i can't put it generally:

 

i think i'm a pretty screwed up individual w/ many issues, but i still think i'm pretty damn good - some sides of me are dormant, but they're right there in me, just gotta let them roam around.

 

now, i don't think anybody would think i'm perfect. but i do think i'll meet somebody, just as screwed up as me, who'll say - hey, we're both screwed up, but we love being with each other!!

 

you love the cat despite it's screwiness. the cat loves you despite your screwiness. hurray =)

 

tada. i hope u get my point, it's late and i'm not capable of wording it properly. lemme try: you have faults... the guy will have faults... like tony said in another thread - love happens DESPITE one's characterists, not BECAUSE of them.

 

-yes

[moimeme]

It's not so much a doubt that someone can love me; more whether I'll find the one that will.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Originally posted by moimeme

It's not so much a doubt that someone can love me; more whether I'll find the one that will.

 

Hmmm, so it's cynicism and not insecurity. I wonder which one is easier to deal with (smiling sad little smile--there wasn't really an emoticon that matched that).

[Thinkalot]

Well I'm glad you've learned acceptance. I think I'm basically a good person too and a "catch", pretty, smart, fit, loving,kind etc...but then I still worry and get insecure and fuss...and I HAVE found someone who wants to marry me (once I get my sh*t together)?So why do I get so worried and obsessive, when intellectually I know the answer, and know I'm good enough? I guess it just happens for all manner of reasons, and things working inside us, our issues, baggage, brains etc!

 

But while it is hard for us to believe we are great enough for someone to choose just us and be happy, we need to believe it. The thing is, we are all unique and special. It sounds cliched, but it really is true. You will suit someone's needs and wants just as you are. Keep working on that belief.