D-Jam Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Online dating was a good idea that hasn't been moderated and evolved enough to really work. The problems I've found is that everyone (including the sites) are more worried about short-term results over long-term. These sites in themselves are businesses. Their goal is to get people to sign up and pay them money. Plain and simple. They originally tried it as seeing what would happen if they just let things go, but realized later the profit came from getting men to shell out money to talk to women. Thus why we see sites give free memberships to women or even go so far as to pay women to talk to men over email...or even pay them to go on one or two dates with guys! So while many men and women scan these sites beforehand looking to see if they have a good mix of eligible singles, often times they're looking at abandoned accounts or canceled accounts. They're kept because they're attractive and thus are used as an illusion to make people think they have a great mix of attractive singles. The people themselves also became a problem. They took to the sites not as a safe forum to talk to others, but more as a shop to find a tailored-fit mate in an off-the-rack world. Julia Strauss stated in her book Unhooked Generation how many make these long lists of potential qualities and stick to them, despite how many ideal mates get passed up because they don't fall into the rigid set of standards. Add to that are those who believe they can attract "better" than reality would hand them. So you get plain janes with "eh" jobs thinking they deserve hot alpha males who make 6-7 figures and you get boring average joes seeking out aspiring models. Worse you get women who want womanizing high earning men, but they want these men to give up womanizing and work less so they can be their private pleasure. Or you get guys who go after attention whores who offer little and yet want them to become their Stepford Wives. Finally, with the vast amount of people not able to "date up" on these sites (when in reality they couldn't offline), they resort to lying. Bald men post older thinner photos in the hopes to trick women out on dates, or they lie about their income. Women post false photos, stretch the truth, or even toss on loads of interests they don't really have. So people get more guarded and thus people lie more...because they're more intent on finding anyone interested rather than finding the right person. I think the best solution right off the bat is a "reject" button. Allow someone to press it on another and thus that person can't ever contact or find the rejector. So if the fugly drama-filled woman contacted me I can hit "reject" and she can't contact me ever again, nor find me in a search. A creepy guy comes on to a woman and she can rid herself of him altogether without worry of him e-stalking her or constantly working to "convince" her to give him a shot. I personally think the "reject" system can even come into play to allow users to more honestly tell others their real thoughts. So the socially awkward guy with bad photos and a worse profile contacts 50 women (playing the numbers game), and all 50 women dislike him. When they hit "reject" they can then send a personal message of honesty to him without him being able to reply, plus possibly answer questions on what he could do to improve his approach or profile. Yeah it sounds mean, but more honesty would help. Tell the fat woman to post body shots and change her body type to "BBW". Tell the geek to get better fashion sense and write more on his profile. You get the point. I think the biggest problem is the women many want to date join, get 1000 emails, and then quit because they get a few incidents with a creepy guy who can't take a rejection. Men join and then quit when they face months of no results. There needs to be more done not only to make it safer for desirable singles to use and stay on, but also to get the honest truth to undesirable singles so they can work on self-improvement and thus become desirable singles.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I'm in Washington, DC. My emotions change with the tide, so sometimes I want a relationship, and sometimes I just want sex, and it's pretty frustrating for me(and for the girls too, I'm sure). I think not being sure of what I want is the reason I'm kinda just falling into a pattern of meet, greet, sleep. I dunno, I want something meaningful, but I'm very indecisive, especially now that there are choices. Sigh.
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I'm in Washington, DC. My emotions change with the tide, so sometimes I want a relationship, and sometimes I just want sex, and it's pretty frustrating for me(and for the girls too, I'm sure). I think not being sure of what I want is the reason I'm kinda just falling into a pattern of meet, greet, sleep. I dunno, I want something meaningful, but I'm very indecisive, especially now that there are choices. Sigh. hahaha you do crack me up - in a good way. you will figure it out eventually. just don't hurt anyone in the process
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I try so hard not to hurt people. I have no idea how to gently let a girl down, so a lot of times I end up just not talking to her or stringing her along only for it to be worse when it ends. I think maybe it's because I'm kinda quirky and strange, so if a girl is attracted to me at all, she is VERY attracted and I just don't want to see the look on their face if I just tell them point blank I don't really like you that much anymore.
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 yeah it's difficult. ideally you want to tell someone as soon as you know that you only want sex from them but if they are young, they may still believe that there can be more. someone once said that if you want to be a true womaniser you have to turn into a bastard by turning off a bit of your humanity and compassion.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I don't want to be a true womanizer, or any womanizer for that matter. All the women I go out with, I try to really get to know, and I treat them like they are my girlfriend. I really like to learn about people so it's easy, but like I said earlier, my emotions change with the tide, so I might be fine never seeing someone again even if the night before was amazing. That's an extreme example, but I'm just using it to illustrate my point.
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 interesting. I had that in my teens but not so much from my twenties onwards. I sort of know if I have a connection with someone or not straight away I suppose. it's hard for me to put myself in your shoes, sorry
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I too know when I have a connection. The indecisiveness comes into play when I have to decide whether I want it or not.
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I too know when I have a connection. The indecisiveness comes into play when I have to decide whether I want it or not. sorry I missed that earlier. I think if you met someone exceptional then you would want that connection.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Um, I see nothing "cheesy" about his travels...what's wrong with posting pictures of your travels?? You jealous or something? lol Gosh man, you don't give people a leg to stand on when it comes to online dating. In all actuality, those pictures would pretty good icebreakers. "Cheeseball" Cancun.....so prey-tell, what's so "cheesy" about that particular venue? I swear, some of you guys seem to LOOK for something wrong with a profile. But, as the old addage goes, "If you LOOK for failure, you will indeed FIND IT!" :laugh:You're right I was harsh about the Cancun comment, sorry! My thinking is that because I've traveled quite a bit I tend to see Cancun as more of a teenage or early 20's destination than a man in his late 30's claiming he loves to travel. I would think that by the age of 40 you have the inclination to visit more exotic parts of the world, if you truly love traveling. And to on top it say you were there to party like a rock star....LAME! You're right though if you look for negatives only that's all you will see, believe me I don't look for these things they just jumped out at me. You missed my point completely about the picture though, what is wrong with the travel picture is that the picture I described is of some guy sitting in a bar claiming he just got back from seeing volcanoes in Hawaii, but all you see in the actual pic is a guy at a bar. Show me the volcano not a Budweiser pic and your ugly mug getting a piss-up on. Of course I love to see vaca pics! Or use the picture on your profile because you like how you look in the pic but spare the tag line, when it isn't even of what you are describing in it. I think the message you send is your first impression and that carries a lot more weight than your profile. . This right there is the GOSPEL truth of OD, that opening email is more important than the profile itself almost. If you have a rockin'profile but you are accustomed to sending out message that says "hi hottie wanna chat?" or "wow you are beautiful" or just "hi" you can forget about your great profile because your email will get lost in a sea of other far more interesting emails than yours. When women are getting piles of emails a day, you think your "hi let's chat" email is going to stand out? I used to delete those no matter how cool the profile was. I'll tell you why, even though I know that everyone multidates and has the attention span of a hamster online, when guys would send that three word email to me it meant he was just sitting there clicking on every single profile that had pictures, wouldn't even read the profile and would just fire off a million emails a second saying "hi" hoping some chick would bite back. That was a turn off to me and seemed desperate, sort of like "anyone will do" so I have no time to waste here reading about these women. YUCK! So while many men and women scan these sites beforehand looking to see if they have a good mix of eligible singles, often times they're looking at abandoned accounts or canceled accounts. They're kept because they're attractive and thus are used as an illusion to make people think they have a great mix of attractive singles. This is VERY true, before trying POF and the only reason why I went on POF is because I tried match and it was exactly that. I tried a month membership and though the cost wasn't crazy it really made me feel cheated and mad that they lured me in with a bunch of fake profiles of guys that clearly had not been on there for years. What was actually left was not at all what the site promised to have. I even sent the admin an email explaining I felt they had done a great job at deceiving their clients but that the service itself sucked, I bet if I go on there now those profiles are still there. Also there were all these men who were in remote places like Italy, the middle east, and Morocco trying to lure me to date them long distance. I spoke to this guy from Italy just to see what the deal was as I was highly suspicious and within 6 email contacts he was flying me over to Italy to stay in his family's Piazza. Uhhhm yeaaahmm ok I'll get right over there Tiger...
meerkat stew Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 That's what I mean about stealing other peoples lines.. Those lines have been used in online dating for 10 years..I've seen them myself.. They are NOT original.. if a woman has any wits about her she just looks at a tagline like that and says you don't have any imagination.. or you are not willing to put the time and effort into writing a real tagline.. First, I don't steal anyone's lines, I don't have to. Second, you can capitalize "NOT" all you want, doesn't make it true. Have looked at hundreds of male profiles in my area, and at least one of the examples I posted is in fact original, and has in fact resulted in success for me. My response is well over 50% these days, and I Email only the best profiles in a 3 million population area. Third, at least one of the female posters in the thread thought some of the taglines I posted (as examples off the top of my head mind you, not intended to be dissected and stated as sucn) were funny, and I'll wager she has read more male profiles than either of us. If you change up someone else's ideas they still are NOT your ideas and that comes thru.. Those lines that all the guys use are all over the internet and if you change them up the girl still sees the idea as someone else's. Better to use your own head and ideas when creating your own personal profile.. that way it is you they see thru those words.. not some other guy trying to fill someone else's shoes So in bizarro cigar smoking clown world, writers, musicians and poets aren't influenced by, and don't borrow and even blatantly rip off styles from other artists? It's all -completely- original with them? Glad -I- don't live in that world, as the art must be pretty crappy there. Once again, you ignore the specifics of the advice I have given, and instead prop up a straw man. Good luck with that.
Crazy Magnet Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Meerkat---yes, I've read more than both of you. I enjoy a good funny tag line, and I enjoy it when the profile backs it up. Lame taglines are AWFUL. My own tagline is a very "intelligent" funny. So a guy has to be pretty intellectual to get it, and then to laugh. But oh the guy's that do get it. We always have great conversations.
meerkat stew Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 So a guy has to be pretty intellectual to get it, and then to laugh. This brings up another good point for OP, to fish with the right bait. Everyone who does online dating needs to carefully reflect on who they are, it's another part of playing to existing strengths. Also wanted to offer a different perspective to what D-Jam posted. First, everything he posts is pretty much the case, but then again, it's also the case in nightlife too. For example, people can and do get a "shopping list" mentality from frequenting clubs just as easily as they can get such online. I have a different POV on the "dating up" though, and have found lots of deception, but have also found lots of people who are honestly just trying to date and meet new, fun people, and see what gels from there. I got an excellent batch of high quality women this last go-round, then repeated the mistake of settling for the wrong one (no, she wasn't the best looking). It took a couple of months for glaring incompatibilities to surface. So it wasn't the lack of quality prospects, but MY mistake in settling too soon. This brings up the final point for OP. When you come across one who clicks so well with you and the attraction is raging, it's tempting to cut off the process right then and there. Resist that, no matter what level of pressure is being put on you. Keep the process open for at least a couple of months. The right person who is savvy in online dating will understand and -encourage- this, as opposed to trying to reel you right in and stake an instant claim.
Rudderless Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) So I started this online dating a while back, and as I am typing my profile, I realized, this is difficult. It's hard to carry myself on the Internet. After a while, I realized I have better luck picking up women in the outside world than online. Here's the problem. When I meet the girls initially, they see me, they see my body language, how I talk, how I crack jokes, laugh, sees my actions. Online, they read through a block of text, you just lost that first impression because there is no first impression with online... just text. Does anyone see this problem? I think you should pay attention to how you feel about online-dating. If your charisma is a big winner in real life and you can't project that as a value over the internet against the "basics" then it's an esteem killer to spend your time in a virtual environment. Descriptions of yourself besides physical measurements are subjective. Pictures can either grab the best of you or the worst of you, but either way are usually a one dimensional view of you. So really, what's left to judge someone on? Their salary? Hobbies? I think actively stripping the layers off someone into a handful of details for dating efficiency is slightly misanthropic anyway. Edited December 31, 2009 by Rudderless
Art_Critic Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Once again, you ignore the specifics of the advice I have given, and instead prop up a straw man. Good luck with that. It seems you don't need any advice and have it all figured out ... Good luck..
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