varaski Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) I tried my best, I forgave time after time. But i just can't do it anymore. Things were starting to look up for us till a incident ( break in on her car ) opened up a whole world of truths. Its strange how these things play out. She was with "him" when it happened. So the truth could not be hidden. Long story short, it was "his" roommate that broke into her car stole things and a checkbook from work,cashed a check. Then when they caught up with him, he said it was all her idea. So now she is in the cooking pot also. BTW she lied to me at first, saying she was with a specific friend. She has been caughe so many times, and lied about everything to me. Then I'd have to force the truth out of her just so i can forgive her. I'm tired of doing that. Its been almost a year with her. My first attempt at love since a failed marriage and a seperation of 4 years. I told her I'm done, and all the apologies don't cut it, because i have heard it all before. And I got all of the excuses, the ones that suck is when she says everybody told me I should... and I shouldn't have listened. Thats laughable. Early this am she finally came clean about how she met the "new" guy. What is worse is the fact that she said she (decided) she wouldn't be with him. What is really funny to me is the fact that she still dosent see that it was all a set up, the "new" guy was in on the break in. I don't think I want to be with someone thats that blinded by a cute face and some sweet words you know. Especially since she now has to dodge some criminal charges because of this and she recently (decided to not be with him). the story is long and deep, But here is a nugget from the e-mails. First mines then hers. Listen A*****, Read this message with my voice in mind, soft tone, no yelling, no mean tone at all. There is so much that you don't understand. All I can do is play the thoughts of the past times I had with you were what I thought to be great and good times, but the unsettling truth is you never were true to me at all. You always hed the attention of someone other than me. You may believe that you really was into me, telling everybody you had a great guy and how you never got treated so good by a guy. But when you wrote to me that you always mess up relationships I realized that you have had good guys in your life. I was patient with you for several reasons. One was the thought that you didn't yet know how to accept real love. But I now know that you have been loved before and well you simply messed it up, and that shows that you didn't learn that love must be cherished or its lost. You have had that lesson before. I also had believed in you and rooted for you in all of your growths. I thought that you knowing that you almost lost me so many times would make you realize that a real love is worth keeping, then I found out through this last situation that you really don't want the real thing at all. You just want to be satisfied. I loved all of the potential i saw in you, I loved the good inside of you yet the bad side of you appears to be stronger than that good. i an't love tha part of you at all. I want nothing to do with it. i attempted to show you that through God, you could be changed, cause honestly without God we can never change anything on our own no matter how hard me try, the old creeps back in and we are usually worse than when we tried before. what hurts me the most is the fact that you never noticed how you put yourself at risk, every time you strayed away the situations could have been worse off than the last time. You could have been killed and raped, locked up and then have a record. That would have killed your college degree and your future careers. God has been trying to tell you some things for a while and you have ignored him. I can't watch you kill yourself like this anymore. The fact that I gave so much of myself to you for what appears to be for no reason at all, is a fact that I can't take back. I could never get my love back and I don't want to either. I loved because it was the right thing to do. I am not upset at all for doing that. I am upset that everything I thought I was getting wasn't true. When you say you love someone, ask them for their heart, you do make a much deeper promist to them. You wanted more of me, and I gave. You wanted my trust time after time and i gave, I gave everything you asked for but it was not enough to satisify you. Only God can give you this thing that you are looking for. I gave you the best a man can offer and well any woman would reconize that and be happy, but I don't know if you can see that its a cold day when you look up and look back at the times and see that there was always someone else in your mind besides me. telling me to have a nice christmas is a smack in the face. I have to bear the embarassment of everything when everybody asks me where a**** is, what am I supposed to say? How many times do you think I'll have to get the felling of betrayal all over again, because everytime i have to say she's not coming around i am the one that knows why and what happened. And I can't even express to anyone the total truth because then i'll have to wake this pain up again and again. And then saying i'm going to start me a new life sound sso convinent and easy. i really do wish you the best, but my mind says she gets off scott free and i'm stuck with the burden of two past hurts, I'll learn to deal with it though. It was selfish of you to know what I just came out of only to put me right back into the same thing. You have a responsibility to people a*****, you must keep your word or dont make any promises at all. It is actually kind of easy. Tell people that you don't want to be exclusive with them and they won't get hurt. It will be a simple agreement you know. I look up and see a lot these days. And when I do I share them, not to make myself look all smart and stuff, but now you know where my knowldge came from, it came from me learning lessons through pain. I'll accept my pain though, not because I want to, just because i pay attention when it hurts and i remember forever and I make adjustments. I hope you begin to do the same. I would hate to believe that you never loved me at all, and it hurts to look at the evidence, cause I can only say how could she have. How could she have put herself in harms way knowing that it would have hurt me to know she was hurt. How could she have smiled in my face and told me I was one of the best things to happen to her and still share intimate moments with another. How could she not tell me she could not be faithful at all. How could she give me her fustrations and impatient moments and be so lovely and nice to people that do nothing for her at all. How could she have not learned from her past. How could she not know that nothing says hidden, the truth always shows up. How could she take love from me and then leave me with pain. Its a fimaliar story though. Why do you think i had you watch that play? Why do you think I had you read that love forum? Why do you think i always reminded you that love is seen in your actions? Why do you think I kept telling you that I wanted to be treated the way I was treating you? All the while telling people you had a great guy, it seems like you held onto me like I was some property, thinking he will always be around. I can make the change anytime and he will still be here. You got too comfy with not respecting the fact that God gives you a thing and you only get to keep it if you treat it kindly and lovingly. But you will get another chance with love someday i'm sure. I hope you do not have to endure what I have had to endure though. i hope you don't get back what you gave to me, i don't know if you could handle it. i hope you really do learn and I hope you really stand close to God in a brand new way. I hope he pays you good for being with him and forgives you and forgets this feeling i have inside of me and not mess you up for it. I'm stopping this what we have, for you more than me, if I continue to let you hurt me, you will continue to have bad things happen to you. You would have no reason to make any changes in your life if i accepted and embraced everything you do aganist me. i love you too much to let that happen. Thats the real reason I am not with my ex. She could not stop hurting me so i had to walk away because I loved her, because I did not want to see her have to suffer because of what she was doing to me. And I see that I have to do the same thing for you. I love people enough to know when to say goodbye. If I had known you were to lose your job and apt and possibiliy your life and freedom I would have cut my losses and walked a long time ago. One day you will know love as i know it. On that day maybe we could be friends. For now, keep your distance because too much is at stake, and I don't have anymore reasons to believe you could be true with me. I do now want to see you get paid evil for the evil you would end up doing. I can't think of a better love than this... Ps. you will always know a person by the things they do and not just the words they say, Never make a promise to anyone that you know you cant keep. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself. We all get a chance to make things right, but its only after we have been changed. I will heal, you can be sure of that. I won't lie and say it will be easy, it never is. Please pray for me and I promise I will pray for you. You have people that love you, and I am sure they are in your corner with good words as I type this. Allow them to help you get over and through whatever evil in deep inside. God will give you more and more the closer you are to him. What ever day you actually step foot in a church I promise that he will have a perfect message for you. i still wish you would go to that church I told you about in your area. He has been waiting for your arrival, and you do not have to wait till sunday. I have never been wrong A*****, not conserning these important things. listen to me this one time. SKi [COLOR=#777777]December 22 at 6:17pm [/COLOR] v******, you know and i know that you deserve so much better then me. I dont know why I was ****ing up with you maybe it was because I was scared of commitment I was scared to fall in love. I never have cheated on any of my ex boyfriends before, I know i said that i keep screwing things up and I am talking about with you i keep screwing it up. My ex boyfriends it wasnt me i was the one who always got hurt (ex boyfriend that went to prison, ex that said he was divorced and wasnt and was screwing around with her and got her prego, an ex that would abuse me when he would be drunk, two exes that used me all the time and just lived off of everything i had, an ex that told me he was still in love with his ex so he could not be with me, the list goes on v*****) but with you there was something different you always cared about me, you always forgave me, you always tried to give me whatever it was that you had even though you didnt have too much to give. it was the love and care that you gave me that should of been enough. I was listening to everyone else instead of the words in my mind and heart that said he is a great guy just be with him and everything and you will be happy things will turn out great you two will grow old together have this amazing house on the lake together be a famous interior designer and him be accomplishing his dreams... for some unknown damn reason i couldnt listen to those words that were running through my head instead i was listening to others say that he cant support you, he is too old for you, he blah blah blah... it doesnt matter what i heard for some damn reason i believed them and shoudlnt of done that at all! v*****, none of my words will ever mean anything to you like i did when i first met you. If I coudl I would go back to that night we met. Upstairs at k****** apartment you were the cutest one there I would blush staring over at you just hoping that you would ask me to dance. I would keep randomly going into the kitchen since you were in there I was actually so excited when you asked me to dance with you.... your stories about the foods you have ate, you talking about that vegan red velvet cake.... i just thought you were the cutest thing ever, but too late now right I cant go back to the night as much as I wish to god I could. I am visiting at my parents house for the holidays right now and have already had plans on when I return to visit that church. My friend is coming back with me to keep me company while I finish this case and try and get my apartment relet. I have to make it spotless and stage it and everything fun fun, but we have already discussed it he is bringing his bible with him and we are going to attend church every sunday in january until i move and then i am finding me a church in champaign to attend. My friend is a great guy he has been trying to help me through this and let me know that its going to be okay... i feel bad cuz he has had to listen to my crying for hours and hours. Crying about getting robbed, crying about losing my job, crying about losing you and ****ing things up completely with you. I think he knows a bit about how I feel cuz his very soon to be ex-wife is doing the same exact thing to him so he kinda knows how I feel but I dont know. He is a good guy and we have been friends since I was like 10 years old so I guess its good to have loved ones around when the one you truly wish you could be with wants nothing to do with you and not trying to sound mean on that one its alll my fault so dont worry. Im sorry for having you worry about me I never thought about the crap that could of happened to me whileI was doing this. I didnt think about getting raped or being put in prison or even being killed ( i have no freaking idea why not either, that should of been the first damn thingto cross my mind!!!!!!!) I am sorry for hurting you in that way, for making you worry about me you def didnt deserve to have to go through that at all! I hope that you do find someone that you dont have to have all this stress over. v***** i wish that we could start over i really wish that we could but I understand that you couldnt do that.... I wish that i could walk up to you and say hi my name is alisha nice meeting you. I wish that this past would just disappear and we could move somewhere together, start a great life together, you be so romantic and propose to me and make me cry telling you yes, eventually have kids together, support each other through our careers, build or buy a new house together, live our lives as if they were the perfect dreams! But it just doesnt work that way I understand. I have hurt you way too much and I understand that you are hurt and dont ever want to deal with this ever again. I understand that and it hurts so much to know that I will never get to experience your love and your kindness and you in my life. I really really really really wish that I could I really really do but there is nothing that I can do about that now. I didnt mean to make it sound like a slap in the face to say i hope you have a merry christmas cuz so far mine has been the ****tiest christmas I have ever ever ever had! I have cried so much (several times every day for a week now) I am trying not to cry typing this message but its very very very hard. I lay there for hours trying to get to sleep just thinking about how much my life is ****ed up right now how much i ****ed up, how much i lost the one guy that truly cared about me, how much is played myself more then people playing me. It hurts very bad and I am just thankful to god that he protected me from not being raped or killed cuz I easily could of been Well there isnt much to be thankful for right now besides that, I have a family that has been fighting a lot lately cuz (ex sis n law) keeps pulling bull**** like she does every holiday, my grandma isnt around this year, i was wishing to bring my amazing guy with my to spend the first holiday (christmas) together with our families ( I had plans of us going to your families and then mine I had high hopes but I completely screwed things up!), i have been so stressed out that my insides have been so messed up that its not funny! (i know that you dont want to think about that at all but yeah it has only gotten worse!), i have been so sick for about a month and even though been taken meds doesnt seem like its helping too much right now, the list just keeps going and keeps going. But dont pitty me that wasnt what I was trying to do by writing all that. I know that you arent having a great christmas yourself... and I am completely sorry about that and I wish that this was def not happening right before christmas ( I am a **** up I know that) but I jsut want to say I am sorry and pray for me cuz I am getting close to god if my life depends on it! and I will def pray for you that life gets better for you. I cant apologive enough but its alright... I am sorry sorry sorry sorry about this and I just dont know how the hell to end this message! so i just i will just stop it here I am sorry and i dont want to say have a great christmas cuz i know it wont be so I guses I will just say god bless and hope that life turns out great for you. I have prayers that one day I will run back into you and I will have so much god in my life and you will instantly fall back in love with me She keeps sending me texts saying she has changed and i would love to believe her, but its the same things I have heard everytime she had strayed away. Only to do the same thing all over again. She told me she is going to leave my city if I won't be with her. I told her she been making her own decisions and this is a decision she will have to make all on her own. And yes I was good to her, very good to her ...maybe I was too good. And btw, it does hurt. I'm too old for this stuff. Edited December 28, 2009 by varaski removing names to protect the innocenr.
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I tried my best, I forgave time after time. But i just can't do it anymore. She keeps sending me texts saying she has changed and i would love to believe her, but its the same things I have heard everytime she had strayed away. Only to do the same thing all over again. She told me she is going to leave my city if I won't be with her. I told her she been making her own decisions and this is a decision she will have to make all on her own. And yes I was good to her, very good to her ...maybe I was too good. And btw, it does hurt. I'm too old for this stuff. That's about it. Go No contact, move on, and don't play into the drama any more.
Author varaski Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Sean, if the length of my post offended you in any way... You'll be aaight. Have a cookie. Close the door on your way out. Tara, I just posted this not really for myself but for others. There is a time to just say no thanks, I'll pass. It might not be the easiest thing to do but it is the adult and healthy way to handle things. You can actually love a person enough to say I won't allow this to happen to either of us anymore. Especially when they don't even know that what goes around usually comes back around.
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