Chris1 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I met a guy in January whos amazing. He understands everything i say, it's like hes a mind reader when it comes to me. He's so kind, thoughtful and everything i ever wished i'd find. I love him so much and he loves me, i don't doubt that atall - theres just one problem. He's had 2 gf's long term before me that cheated on him and left him, he moved really fast with them - moved in within a year and planned to get married so he seems to think that moving really slow with me is going to prevent this from happening again. Iv tryd to talk to him but its got to the point where he only sees me once every month (max) now. What do i do? i love him so much and i feel like it could work but hes so scared to be with me it's pushing me away and he knows that but hes still not able to get his head around it. He talks about having a future together kids and so on but im unsure how the hell we will get there at this rate. He had councelling after he split with his ex...i'm just unsure what to do. I love him and want to wait for him, but im scared that i'll wait and he will decide he doesn't want me at the end of it, cause i can't read his mind and he's not really one for opening up (he says he doesn't share a problem cause he doesn't wanna put on anyone else) and it's breaking my heart that i can't see him more. We talk about 6 hours a day on the phone, he rings me all the time, but considering he only lives 1mile away i don't see y those 6hrs can't be in person since we've been together 11 months.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 hmm...im in a similar situation as your boy. my last 2 long term relationships (7 years, 2 years) ended with them cheating on me. Its devastating. The biggest blow to someone's self-esteem you can ever have. I takes a long time to recover from that. My last GF did this to me back in May and I'm just now starting to date again. I would say it is a little odd to be on the phone 6hrs. a day when you live so close, but dont underestimate what happened to him. It is truly debilitating and very hard to reconcile. you want to blame yourself, wonder if you are not good enough, question if your heart will ever allow to love again, etc. respect what he is going through, but talk to him about it. reassure him. comfort him. the main thing is to build trust with him - which will be hard...very hard. I will admit that he is being a little extreme, but its a horrible thing to have happen once, let alone twice. hope this helps a little
Author Chris1 Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 thanx it reli does. I understand it cause my ex cheated on me after 2 years but it's just seeming so extreme. just needed some one to talk to i guess thanx x
thats what i said Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Well, I waas going to say you should communicate these feelings to him, but since you talk to him 6 hours every day on the phone, I imagine you've already told him all this. Have you ever considered that he may not be seeing only you? He could also be feeling that by laying all his eggs in one basket (in the past) was also a mistake. Could always try giving him an ultimatum?
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 thanx it reli does. I understand it cause my ex cheated on me after 2 years but it's just seeming so extreme. just needed some one to talk to i guess thanx x it is extreme...and you know how it feels. everyone handles it differently. my 2 year relationship was actually harder to deal with the cheating than the 7 year....So many variables determine the level of hurt. Talk it out with him. explain your concerns. build trust with him so he feels safe opening his heart to you. if you feel he is worth it, you'd have no problem working on it with him all the best
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Well, I waas going to say you should communicate these feelings to him, but since you talk to him 6 hours every day on the phone, I imagine you've already told him all this. Have you ever considered that he may not be seeing only you? He could also be feeling that by laying all his eggs in one basket (in the past) was also a mistake. Could always try giving him an ultimatum? this could be true for sure. at this point, he is expecting the worst, instead of the best. that's the hurdle you have to get over. change is attitude towards relationships. communication and trust. reassure him. tell him you've been in his shoes.
Author Chris1 Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 im not sure. he really doesnt seem like he'd ever cheat on me he just seems depressed. He was on tablets from the doctor for depression and had to stop work fr a while but now hes off them and back to work again. I tryd saying to him we need to sort this now but he is so scared he just said honestly i can't, i want to but im not ready to go faster than this and that isn't gonna change :/ x
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 im not sure. he really doesnt seem like he'd ever cheat on me he just seems depressed. He was on tablets from the doctor for depression and had to stop work fr a while but now hes off them and back to work again. I tryd saying to him we need to sort this now but he is so scared he just said honestly i can't, i want to but im not ready to go faster than this and that isn't gonna change :/ x hmmm..looks like you have a decision to make..... seems like the communication is there (sorry for suggesting this). the only other thing is trust and reassurance...and the last resort - an ultimatum...
Author Chris1 Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 i spose this is my problem. I have to pick to be there for him as long as it takes or not. I wanna cause he means the world to me but i need sum1 to be there for me right now, i hav a lot going on, and i feel like he's so wrapped up in his past he can't be there for me.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 i spose this is my problem. I have to pick to be there for him as long as it takes or not. I wanna cause he means the world to me but i need sum1 to be there for me right now, i hav a lot going on, and i feel like he's so wrapped up in his past he can't be there for me. from everything you say, there are two scenario's here: 1. he is using this as an excuse to keep you in his grip, but has no intention of building a loving relationship and may even be seeing someone else. 2. his 'problem' is TRULY severe and debilitating. it sounds like he needs someone to talk to about this and needs a lot of help. I know how terrible it is and how horrible it makes you feel, but after a year, he should be able to at least try to move forward. especially if he truly cares for you. And remember, this is coming from someone with the exact experiences as him. I know how he feels. Usually, a new lover/girlfriend knocks you right out of your funk. sure, you still have trust issues, but the excitement of a new relationship or someone to care for you, makes it a lot better and manageable. you are in the drivers seat here. you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and how long you will stay committed. good luck
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