Space Ritual Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 look i have gone to therapy to have someone unbiased to talk to. i have spoken to my therapist about telling my husband of my affair. my therapist has said you have nothing to gain of telling of your affair. it will only cause undo pain, to what clear your own conciens. do not tell her, you will only cause more pain. these people are so wrong. go to mc, work on your issues, but don't tell of the affair. You actually pay for that advice? You could get that in Tiger Wood's Locker Room for free
willowfields Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 i'll say again, it can only cause pain.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 look i have gone to therapy to have someone unbiased to talk to. i have spoken to my therapist about telling my husband of my affair. my therapist has said you have nothing to gain of telling of your affair. it will only cause undo pain, to what clear your own conciens. do not tell her, you will only cause more pain. these people are so wrong. go to mc, work on your issues, but don't tell of the affair. You saw a therapist who is only there for you, not a therapist who specializes in marriage counselling. ANY therapist who is only looking out for you and only you is going to tell their clients NOT to tell. Any good marriage counsellor will encourage their client to confess, tell the truth.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 i'll say again, it can only cause pain. Yeah, and choosing to have the affair in the first place didn't ?? HE cheated before, suffered consquences, chose to cheat again and is now unwilling to face his consquences? If his OW or anyone else tells his wife, the marriage is over. if he tells his wife the truth NOW, atleast he's giving her the respect to choose whether or not she wants to work on things ,give him a second shot.
bittersweet memories Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 A) Is your wife mentally retarded? B) Is she suicidal and/or has a history of trying to kill herself? If not, get over yourself. Your wife can handle it...YOU are the one who can't handle it. You can't handle the thought of the pain and misery YOU have caused. YOU can't handle the thought that you've sunk so low, punked your wife so badly, abandoned your duties as a father (yes, you have...allowing yourself to have an intimate and emotional relationship with someone other than their mother is abandoning them emotionally..tell me, when they are in their twenties, do you think they will see you as a 'good father' for ****ing another woman while their mom was caring for them at home as infants and toddlers?) Get over yourself and tell your wife...yea, she probably will leave you...but try to muster up what small trace of integrity you may have left and let HER make that decision. You've been making all the decsions about her life long enough. Have a shred of respect for her and let her in on her own life Sorry for the hammer but GAWD, get real and stop trying to make yourself feel better by pretending she can't handle it...she gave birth, twice, to YOUR children..trust me, she can handle it (unless she fits in category A and/or B above) I was starting to feel sorry for this guy but you snapped it out of me. Thank you for that!! WOW foreal!! LOL... You are so BRUTALLY HONEST and tell like it is. I admire that.
whichwayisup Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 My wife doesn't know about the affair. We have had a few close shaves where she has been suspicious but I always managed to convince her otherwise (weak I know) and I don't think she honestly sees my withdrawing from her as a symptom of it. She already knows..something isn't right, even though you've denied it, convinced her (so you think - Remember, you cheated on her in the past, I'm betting she doesn't trust you 100%, and chances are that she knows more than you realize) and also, she knows you! So don't fool yourself into believing that she hasn't noticed you detaching and withdrawing from her. I think we may have been heading down that path for some time despite the affair. The reason I think its worth saving is because of my two beautiful children, the youngest is only 1. I love my kids and love being in their life on a daily basis. My eldest son is 4 and it thrills me to watch his growth and I don't think I could leave that. Sorry, this part blows me away, I don't understand how you could do this when your child is ONLY 1! Your wife carried two children, for all you know she's hormonal and during the first year of that baby's life, you were out and about with another woman instead of being at home being daddy, being a supportive and loving husband. SORRY For the guilt trip here, I just don't honestly get how a man can walk out on his family life, into the arms of another woman when he has a little one at home, a toddler and a wife. It's just plain selfish. For the last 6 months my wife and I have been arguing a lot more about little things. I think the growing apart is getting to her and she's picking a lot at the things I do/dont do. I know that this is justofied and I have no right to complain at this. A friend of hers suggested going to see a marriage counselor and my wife is keen. I know that she will persue it until we go and I can actually see the benefit of going a lot. Could it be because she's tired? Tired of being a mommy, tired of doing alot, tired in general? She probably doesn't get time to herself, not to be a mom, not to be a wife, just a woman who can have afew hours to herself... Have you been there though? what have you done to help her out? Make her feel loved, special, sexy, desired, feel needed, feel loved? It seems she had your baby and you didn't like home life, so the OW made you feel good about you, and hense the A. when was the last time you got a sitter and took your wife out for dinner? Or took the kids for the day so she could have a day to herself?
bittersweet memories Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 (edited) Actually I feel like it's least easy for me. This is far from easy and I feel like my insides are going to eat me up from the inside out. I was actually thinking about my wife who will be saved all the emotions that come from the pain of betrayal. I'll always feel the pain from it. She was aware of your first afair and forgave you .. you can bet, the second one will be unforgivable..no doubt. Edited December 29, 2009 by bittersweet memories
crazycatlady Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Coming BW, do not tell her. Do not tell her, do not tell her do not tell her. If she flat out asks, I might consider telling, but otherwise, no. It will just hurt her more. Yes suspecting hurts, but not as much as knowing hurts. Put it behind you, man up, treat your wife with the same passion that you were treating the OW. You once felt that way about her, rekindle it. But you know what? Don't stay for the kids. Stay for your wife, the life you have together, but don't stay for the kids. You can parent apart easily enough and do a damn better job of it then fighting with the wife a lot because you have no respect for each other. So you either give it your all - without confession because I honestly feel that confessing is about making the confessor feel better not the person who was betrayed, or you get out. No in between. And I'm sorry, but I think a lot of the advice here to tell is due to bitterness. Because you are right, if you want to make this marriage work, and if you want to avoid giving your wife more pain and if you are really going to devote yourself to your wife, then don't confess. If you want out, get out now, again without confessing, just say its not working. All confessing does is stab a hooked knife into her heart and drag it out beating when you are done. Its cruel if it can be avoided. CCL
nddb Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 If you already decided, nothing to be accomplished by telling her. Just don't **** up again. Bridges of Madison County became an international best seller--wife banged the traveling photog and didn't tell the husband afterwards and I didn't hear a collective gasp of indignation from the feminine majority. In fact, most women mags tout it as a love story.
jnj express Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Your wife in her gut knows there is something that is not right she just hasn't pinpointed it yet. You don't need a MC, cuz you can't fix your mge., till everyone in the mge. knows what all the problems are, you are still cheating on your wife, right now, it is not lies of commission, but lies of ommission. If YOU must see a counselor make it an IC, and you had better have a real good reason for needing the counseling. As most everyone here has already stated, you are not showing any remorse, just a lot of guilt, and a lot of unhappiness that you can't continue cheating on your wife, and your kids. If you really wanted to stop thinking of your AP, then you would, part of you still wants your double life to go on. Do your family a favor and start acting like a man, and take some responsibility for yourself, and your actions.
Natureofbeast Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I guess my question is this, would you rather your W find out about it from someone else down the line? What goes around usually does come around again. If you are battling genuine feelings for OW, then odds are so isn’t she. What’s to say she will not attempt to contact you again or your wife? This sounds like a clock is ticking scenario. Maybe you should consider leaving yourself open for now to the option of telling her. You said you were considering MC sounds like a perfect place for this info to come out. I genuine believe there are grounds or reasons–when marriage goes south–just as it takes two to have an A, it takes 2 to mess up/ have problems a marriage. That obviously does not excuse you your EMA , but all the marital issue cards laid on the table, may give you a get out of jail/ reprieve card–IE might help your wife to better understand how and why you felt a need to betray her and your marriage. Willowfields I have a hard time believing any licensed therapist would tell you not to be honest to your marriage partner. Even in IC.
Author BostonBound Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Jeez! Where to start with replying! I knew I would get a bit of flack here and you guys have hammered me into the ground, I also know I deserve this and appreciate each one of your responses. Since posting here I have to say that the idea of telling my wife the truth or some semblance of it has been in my mind but then I think of the repercussions and I doubt I'd be able to do it. So many of your posts have really struck a chord with me and I know I have a lot to answer to but being at work as I am I'll struggle but I'll give it a go. Frozen - your post makes a lot of sense and I think your reasons are excellent ones. I have already considered the points such as I know my wife has noticed a change in my behavoiur and attitude. I've just really struggled to act normally at home when I've been so focused on my OW. I can see now that during the affair I acted so unreasonably, but I honestly couldnt see that. I still struggle a bit because I try to rationalise it and all I think is 'but I needed her', my OW that was. The gulit is hard to stomach but I figure that that can only get easier, right? I am hoping that as I build things back up again these thoughts I have and the feelings about my OW will fade. I want to feel about my wife the way I felt/feel about my AP. I know thats going to be hard since it was based upon passion and intimacy the kind of which Ive not had before but it might reignite my marriage to try to bring that into it. I know it will take some time and the idea of it at the moment is hard for me and my wife because it has been so long. But in a way starting over might refresh our desires in the bedroom. A couple of you guys mention the possibility of my AP or someone else telling my wife. I know that its not impossible but I do trust my AP as she has never given me a reason not to. At the start of our affair we vowed that we would never tell a soul and I believe she's good for her word. I know its a little like living in denial but I don't think my wife will find out from another source, its just not likely, ya know? What I am going to do is confide in a councelor on my own first. I think just talking about it with a third party who may have some experience of how people heal from these things will really help. I will do this before going with my wife to MC. At the moment things at home are strained as he are trying to get along better and I think having the kids around us and time together is helping as we are forced to get along. I do want to make my family stronger than ever and I honestly believe its possible to work on things without revealing the affair though after reading your responses I am considering it more than I was. I will continue to weigh up the odds I guess. Thanks for your help so far. I'll keep you posted as I'm surer this is not going to be an easy process.
greengoddess Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I know I've been unfair to my wife but I do want to fix things I want my feelings for my other woman to fade I do. I can't burden my wife with the pain. I really want to try for the sake of my family. I don't know that honesty is always the best policy because the truth won't do us any good if it's possible to move forward without it. That's a copout. You are a coward. It has nothing to do with burdening your wife. YOU can't face your own actions and the weakness in you that makes you have affairs. You re too chicken**** to examine your own behavior. Be a man. Tell your wife. Let her decide her life on the truth not a lie.
greengoddess Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 And..... you'll probably do it again.... Oh no doubt because he is pushing it under the rug and not examing why it happened to begin with WHILE HIS WIFE WAS PREGNANT. Damn that's dispicable. What a winner your ow must be too. You love her? You need to respect someone to love them. You love a woman ( i say that loosely) who will screw a married man with a pregnant wife? You love a woman who will continue an affair with a man while his wife is in the hospital having his baby? That's someone you deem worthy of your love? That's the caliber woman you want as an example for your kids? YUCK! Seriously YUCK. Take the ow off the pedestal that she does not deserve to be on and fix your marriage the right way. This woman was willing to screw you, your wife and your children engaging with you while your wife was having your kid. That is just the lowest of the low.
eeyore1981 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 YUCK! Seriously YUCK. Thank you very much, GG, for summing up my thoughts on this thread and this poster so eloquently. Lol, don't ya know he was doing her yet another favor by having sex with someone else while she was pregnant and having his child? Yeah, that way she wouldn't feel pressured to do her wifely duty and fulfill his sexual needs when she got to the recovery room after giving birth. What a guy!!! Always thinking of his wife and her needs! We should all be so lucky!
Author BostonBound Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Ouch. I really didn't come on here to offend people, I know I've done a terrible thing that I can't undo. But I want to make it right I want my wife and kids and I know that now. I'm sorry for how you feel and I do understand it. I'm n ot proud of my behavior I'm really not but when in that situation rationality goes out the window. I know I made bad choices. The things is now how do I make my wife and kids life as good as possible from now on. I wont make the mistake of doing this again. DAMN the pain is NOT worth it. I have behaved selfishly and I now need to be selfless. But I know our lives will fall apart if I tell her.
greengoddess Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You can probably start by getting yourself in individual councilling and figure out why you cheat on your wife while pregnant if you love her. Obviously there is something missing in you. Find it.
crazycatlady Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Quit whining about it, and start doing. The past is past. Leave it there. I totally believe you are correct about that. Call TODAY RIGHT NOW, and set up a counciling appointment for yourself and deal with your guilt and issues that helped shape where you are right now. In a month or so after dealing with your side of things, get going with counciling for the two of you. Do not wait for her to do it, or a better time, do it NOW. After you read this pick up the dang phone and do it. Otherwise, you are just wanting someone to tell you its ok, and it will be all right and to just go on and pat you on the head. Either you are serious about this, and so need to take the steps needed to get beyond this, or you are just wishywashy and want either the beating that some posters are giving you because of the guilt - and I know men who do things like this so they could feel that guilt and get flogged for it and like it. Stop whining, man up, and start the road to recovery. CCL
Gabriele Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I am curious....... what is different this time?? you had an Affair before and then did it again, knowing the pain it can cause. I bet after the last time you thought you would never do it again.... am I wrong? Why would it be any different if the situation presented itself again in a few years from now?
Author BostonBound Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 I wasn't whining not intentionally anyway. I have booked an appointment with a therapist. I've told my wife that it was to talk about why I'm feeling so depressed which is actually kinda the truth. I figure talking about it with her - the therapist - has got to help lift my mood to a place where I can be around my family happily - like I want to be without these oppresing thoughts. It was never my intention to cheat on my wife whilst she was pregnant, although yes it is inexcusable. As any affair is. I knew my AP for a couple of years and she was going through a really hard time. It just kinda grew - I know - cliche. But I tried to resist for quite some time as awful as that sounds. Our relationship - myself and my wifes - had been suffering before the affair. It was a downhill slope which I know I exasporated. This of course I need to figure out. Thanks for listening.
crazycatlady Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You might not have meant to be whining but that's how it was coming across. Its good you have an appointment. And its good to know that you are taking charge, you need to feel good about it. The only person who you can change is you. However you do need to keep in mind that marriage is a two way street and while the infidelity was your fault, your marriage falling apart wasn't 100% your doing. You can only work on your side of things which is why eventuall you will need marriage counciling. Both sides need to be worked on. I don't ever thing an affair is a cause of problems but rather a symptom of issues already there.
someotherguy Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 If you ever had even a shred of respect for the woman who bore you two children, you will tell her the truth and let her decide how she wants to live her life. No human being deserves to have their choices taken away from them the way you have taken them away from her. She had no choice in whether you put your penis in other women, but she should have the right to decide whether to stay with you after you do it. You put her health and well-being at stake by having an affair. You could have brought home herpes, HIV, syphilis, HPV, or any number of other godawful diseases, you swine. The only reason not to tell her is in defense of your own selfish nature. You got your second chance and blew it, cry me a river.
Pillow Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 This guy is hilarious. Now that his affair is all said and done, now that he's gotten his wildness out of his system, and all the intimacy and passion he wants, now he wants to work on his marriage. After the fact. What happened in your first affair? Didn't you feel the intimacy and passion then too?
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