BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) I know I'm gonna get a bashing here but I gotta find a little peace and hopefully guidance for a situation I'm struggling to live in. Three months ago I ended an extra-marital affair I'd been involved in for 18 months. The reason I ended it was because the split life was crippling me. I love my affair partner I know a lot of you will say its not real love, but i know it genuinely is. The reason I ended it with her despite being completely in love with her was because I owe it to my family to try and work things out. My wife doesn't know about the affair. We have had a few close shaves where she has been suspicious but I always managed to convince her otherwise (weak I know) and I don't think she honestly sees my withdrawing from her as a symptom of it. I think we may have been heading down that path for some time despite the affair. The reason I think its worth saving is because of my two beautiful children, the youngest is only 1. I love my kids and love being in their life on a daily basis. My eldest son is 4 and it thrills me to watch his growth and I don't think I could leave that. For the last 6 months my wife and I have been arguing a lot more about little things. I think the growing apart is getting to her and she's picking a lot at the things I do/dont do. I know that this is justofied and I have no right to complain at this. A friend of hers suggested going to see a marriage counselor and my wife is keen. I know that she will persue it until we go and I can actually see the benefit of going a lot. The past three months have been hard on me because of missing my affair partner. I miss her and the way we were together, she made me feel so alive and happy. I think that my moods since I broke it off with her have definately contributed to the arguments between my wife and I increasing. The worry I have is that if I go to counseling with my wife I will find it hard to justify my moods and reasons for withdrawing. I do NOT want to tell my wife of the affair. Its in the past and I dont see the point in hurting her unneccassarily. Also I cheated on her six years ago before our son was born. She told me that I ever did it again she would leave. I know that we would not survive her knowing about the affair and I want so much our family to work and stay together. Has anybody ever gone through counseling and managed to come out the other side with an affair uncovered? I do love my wife. We just need to find what we loved about each other originally i think. Edited December 28, 2009 by BostonBound
Author BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Thanks man. That makes a lot of sense. The loss of the affair does feel like grief and I know it sounds selfish but its so hard having nobody to talk to about it. I've read on these forums a lot of people use IC and ihave thought about it myself it's a real good idea to say that it's difficulty in the marriage that makes me feel like I need it I know it's just another lie but if it allows it to go undetected then it's worth it. I feel like getting it off my chest alone would bring a lot of relief. Not only does it eat me up but there are times when I cannot ge my AP out of my mind and it's so hard to pretend I'm fine. Thanks bud.
D-Lish Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I understand that you don't want to hurt your wife- but you ARE hurting her just by loving someone else. It would be so humiliating to be in a marriage with someone who wants to be elsewhere. I wouldn't want my husband to stay with me for the sake of the kids. As for you, you can be a good father and be with the one you really love. I can't see MC truly working without revealing the affair- I think you need the whole truth to come out in order to make a go at a real reconciliation. These things rarely stay secret.
Author BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I get what your saying dlish. I want my family to stay together above everything despite my actions surrounding my affair. I know that my wife couldn't handle the truth so if there's a way round it without revealing it then I'd rather try that. I do love my wife but I also love my AP I know that sounds a little crazy. I'm trying to let the love I have for my AP go and I know this will take time. I've read on here about marriages that recover after love affairs and I need to hope for that for us.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I think you are being extremely unfair to your wife. I know you love her but at this point telling her the truth a long time ago wouldn've been more effective than lying to her. Having an 18 month affair behind her back knowing that if you told her what was going on she would leave....theres no excuse and now your thinking about how much you miss your AP? do your wife a favor and move on. I am sorry to sound harsh but its the truth. good luck
Author BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I know I've been unfair to my wife but I do want to fix things I want my feelings for my other woman to fade I do. I can't burden my wife with the pain. I really want to try for the sake of my family. I don't know that honesty is always the best policy because the truth won't do us any good if it's possible to move forward without it.
NoIDidn't Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Secretly held love rarely ever dies. If you want a future for your marriage, you need to turn off the love towards this former AP ASAP!! Honestly, I think your W told you that she would leave if you cheated again, but it was before you had a child. Having children makes people think a little harder about dissolving a marriage. But don't bank on my words, she may just be fed up enough with you and all the lies that you fed her to hide your A, that she definitely wants it over. Marriage counsellors almost ALWAYS know the behaviors of those that have had affairs. So if you go with your W, don't be surprised when you get pulled aside and asked when you are going to come clean about it. They've just about seen it all, so you won't be able to hide it very well in front of one trained to know the signs.
foreal Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 . I know that my wife couldn't handle the truth so if there's a way round it without revealing it then I'd rather try that. . A) Is your wife mentally retarded? B) Is she suicidal and/or has a history of trying to kill herself? If not, get over yourself. Your wife can handle it...YOU are the one who can't handle it. You can't handle the thought of the pain and misery YOU have caused. YOU can't handle the thought that you've sunk so low, punked your wife so badly, abandoned your duties as a father (yes, you have...allowing yourself to have an intimate and emotional relationship with someone other than their mother is abandoning them emotionally..tell me, when they are in their twenties, do you think they will see you as a 'good father' for ****ing another woman while their mom was caring for them at home as infants and toddlers?) Get over yourself and tell your wife...yea, she probably will leave you...but try to muster up what small trace of integrity you may have left and let HER make that decision. You've been making all the decsions about her life long enough. Have a shred of respect for her and let her in on her own life. Sorry for the hammer but GAWD, get real and stop trying to make yourself feel better by pretending she can't handle it...she gave birth, twice, to YOUR children..trust me, she can handle it (unless she fits in category A and/or B above)
reboot Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Your wife deserves full knowledge of the situation so SHE can decide what's best for HER. This is not all about you.
confusedinkansas Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I've seen posts on here like this before. You don't want to tell your wife but they will hammer you here to TELL HER. Saying that full 'recovery' CANNOT happen unless you do tell.....I don't buy it. I am of the opinion that your marriage can be fixed WITHOUT telling your spouse. My marriage (while we had MANY other HUGE issues besides my infidelity) is on the mend - Without my husbands knowledge of the affair. It can happen without telling. You just have to make your mind up which way you're going to go. AND STICK TO IT! You will mourn your affair partner as if they died. You will think of her - often. It will be very difficult to stop the insanity in your brain for a while. But TIME does fix that as well. Good luck to you.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 You say your wife couldn't handle the truth? But you also said that you cheated once before and she told you she'd leave if you cheated on her again. RIGHTFULLY SO. I think she has every right to decide if you're worth giving a third chance. Also think you KNOW she will leave you and that's why you aren't going to tell her. Problem is you did cheat again and chose to have an affair, it didn't just happen! You knew by doing this there was a chance she could find out, infact she DID question you and you lied, denied it. What if she finds out on her own? What if your exOW tells her? Never say never. Some OW feel the need to let the betrayed spouse know what their husband was up to once an affair ends.. Also, you have NO idea if someone else knows, saw you.. It would be better for your wife to hear it from you. No point in doing MC until you sort yourself out and get over your affair partner.
Author BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I know that I deserve all the crticism, I take responsibility for my bad decisions and I do not want to put them on to my family. I walked away from my OW because I realised that they deserve better. I need to fix it so that my kids grow up with both parents at home. I know things are not good right now, but I haven't been in touch with my affair partner for weeks and that really is how I wanna keep it despite how much it hurts. I have to believe that he hurt will ease in time and my love for my wife and hers for me will reignite.
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Your wife has every right to make decisions about HER life. You are denying her that right. Go ahead continue to be the liar you have proven yourself to be. Nothing good can ever be built on lies. You don't respect her at all. First you cheat then you decide to lie to her about it. WRONG...she should have the same opportunity that you do to make a decision to stay or leave the marriage. It's a wussy move.
Author BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 So Im a wuss. I'll take that but I do respect my wife although I have treated her disrespectfully. The truth is not always in the best interest of everybody. I want to prove my commitment to her and my kids by making it work from now on. I can't take back what I've done but I can help us all move forward from it. I wanna be with my kids and wife. I know that now.
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 So Im a wuss. I'll take that but I do respect my wife although I have treated her disrespectfully. The truth is not always in the best interest of everybody. I want to prove my commitment to her and my kids by making it work from now on. I can't take back what I've done but I can help us all move forward from it. I wanna be with my kids and wife. I know that now. The truth is always in the best interest of everyone. But right now we know it is definately not in your best interest.
Author BostonBound Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Im sure I'm not the only one whos wanted to heal a marriage without disclosing an affair, we have other issues that we need to work on to. I will try my damnedest to keep the truth from my family as I honestly believe that it will hurt them beyond repair and thats not just me and my ego talking it's me as a father and husband and I know that sounds weak after everything Ive done but I'm speaking from my head and heart. Yes my heart is still in pieces over the loss of my AP but I do find every day easier and it is slowly coming together. There is no need now for my wife to know.
Space Ritual Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Im sure I'm not the only one whos wanted to heal a marriage without disclosing an affair, we have other issues that we need to work on to. I will try my damnedest to keep the truth from my family as I honestly believe that it will hurt them beyond repair and thats not just me and my ego talking it's me as a father and husband and I know that sounds weak after everything Ive done but I'm speaking from my head and heart. Yes my heart is still in pieces over the loss of my AP but I do find every day easier and it is slowly coming together. There is no need now for my wife to know. Then why exactly are you here? You have made up your mind to not tell her. You have convinced yourself that you respect your wife although you have treated her disrespectfully(your words not mine). You say you have taken responsibility for your bad decisions but do not want to put them on to your family(once again your words). You only want to save your own skin. There is no honor in that. So with that why do you even care what we think? Why not carry on with the farce to your heart's content as long as you can stand it. I suggest you really try to understand that being an adult means taking TRUE RESPONSIBILITY for our actions and accepting the consequences. I think right now you need to think about somebody other than yourself. I also think you need to reread your posts and replies. For I see no hint of remorse. I only see a weasel who wants it both ways. Well the choices you made here will affect your family needlessly. But of course you should have thought about that beforehand. I still really don't know what you want from us other than someone to tell your that this is acceptable behavior. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and carrying on like this is a Lifetime movie of the week. Why don't you grow a pair and just tell your wife and accept the consequences like someone who would be showing genuine remorse? You lost any right to determine HER future with YOU by your cheating ways.
willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 don't ever tell your wife, you have nothing to gain from it, and all she will feel is extreme pain.
Author BostonBound Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 I expected harsh critcism here but the reason I posted is because my mind is still absorbed in the mess of it all and I wanted to hear if anybody has worked it out without confessing. I'm not saying I've done he right thing but at the moment my emotions are still a mess and I'm sorry but as yet I don't honestly feel struck down with remorse, not because I don't want to fix things but because I'm still missing my OW. I know thats really bad but that's the reason I know I'm not thinking clearly right now. I do want to save my marriage and if there's a way of doing so without the affair coming out then that's what I feel it would be better and easier for everybody to recover from.
bentnotbroken Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I expected harsh critcism here but the reason I posted is because my mind is still absorbed in the mess of it all and I wanted to hear if anybody has worked it out without confessing. I'm not saying I've done he right thing but at the moment my emotions are still a mess and I'm sorry but as yet I don't honestly feel struck down with remorse, not because I don't want to fix things but because I'm still missing my OW. I know thats really bad but that's the reason I know I'm not thinking clearly right now. I do want to save my marriage and if there's a way of doing so without the affair coming out then that's what I feel it would be better and easier for everybody to recover from. Just better and easier for you.
Author BostonBound Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Actually I feel like it's least easy for me. This is far from easy and I feel like my insides are going to eat me up from the inside out. I was actually thinking about my wife who will be saved all the emotions that come from the pain of betrayal. I'll always feel the pain from it.
bentnotbroken Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Actually I feel like it's least easy for me. This is far from easy and I feel like my insides are going to eat me up from the inside out. I was actually thinking about my wife who will be saved all the emotions that come from the pain of betrayal. I'll always feel the pain from it. That decision isn't yours to make. It was your choice to cheat, but you should respect her enough to give a a say in her own life. Call it what you want, bu you don't know pain until you find out the life you thought you had was a lie. And the person spinning the lies is the one you trust more than anyone else.
reboot Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Most of us know, long before our wayward partners break down and tell us. Most people having an affair think they're so slick, but something like that is so very hard to hide. And most of the time it only stays hidden as long as it does because the BS so desperately refuses to believe it.
willowfields Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 look i have gone to therapy to have someone unbiased to talk to. i have spoken to my therapist about telling my husband of my affair. my therapist has said you have nothing to gain of telling of your affair. it will only cause undo pain, to what clear your own conciens. do not tell her, you will only cause more pain. these people are so wrong. go to mc, work on your issues, but don't tell of the affair.
bentnotbroken Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 look i have gone to therapy to have someone unbiased to talk to. i have spoken to my therapist about telling my husband of my affair. my therapist has said you have nothing to gain of telling of your affair. it will only cause undo pain, to what clear your own conciens. do not tell her, you will only cause more pain. these people are so wrong. go to mc, work on your issues, but don't tell of the affair. Since your therapist is only one of thousands, I would guess that there are others who disagree with that, including mine. I feel like you can find anyone who will agree with a point of view. I don't know what belief system, if any you subscribe to, but truth and honor typically are a part of most of them. No real relationship can be built and maintained in a healthy state based on lies. One lie leads to another and another until there is a whole foundation that only takes one small crack to come down.
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