Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I'm having the worst time right now. I broke up with my current BF of 4 years. He cheated on me. I feel so alone and lost. I have not spoke with him since before Christmas. I want to call him so bad. should I call? I miss him.
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Why do you miss someone who cheated on you and decided to deceive you? He has no respect for you with his deceptive ways. Move on -- you can do much better.
Author Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Why do you miss someone who cheated on you and decided to deceive you? He has no respect for you with his deceptive ways. Move on -- you can do much better. I can't help myself. It was a great relationship until I found out about the other chick. Like everything was so perfect. He says that he is sorry and it won't happen again. I want to believe him so bad and try to make things work. I must sound silly but I still love him.
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I can't help myself. It was a great relationship until I found out about the other chick. Like everything was so perfect. He says that he is sorry and it won't happen again. I want to believe him so bad and try to make things work. I must sound silly but I still love him. You don't sound silly, you sound very hurt. And what's really going to hurt is having to look back over your past and realize the person you were with was not who you thought they were. You see, people can come up with a million reasons to cheat and many can justify it in their own minds -- but the simple fact is that people who cheat have very low self-esteem. They don't value you, the relationship or themselves. Honesty and integrity are the only things that mean anything on the relationship playing field. It will be difficult for you to reconcile what you know now with the past. I speak from experience. Your best bet is to move on and find someone worthwhile to be with because people who cheat are simply lost. It hurts because there are so many other nice things we remember about them and it is painful to realize that someone can be both good and bad -- but cheating is a relationship felony.
Author Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 But what if it was a mistake Denver? What if he's telling me the truth that it will never happen again? We got along so well in many ways. I'm not even sure why he cheated? He does not seem like a person with low self esteem to me. I feel lost without him.
cdt76 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 But what if it was a mistake Denver? What if he's telling me the truth that it will never happen again? We got along so well in many ways. I'm not even sure why he cheated? He does not seem like a person with low self esteem to me. I feel lost without him. I differ in many ways with some of the people on here when it comes to second chances. I believe everyone makes mistakes and if there is enough love and enough work on both people's part, then it can work. But if the love is one sided then it's over. In order for it to work he must give you a full accounting of what happened, when, where, why, how, how often and you and he will have to understand that trust is gone...for now. If he can earn it back that is something different. But the ball is in your court. How much does he want to earn you back? What is he willing to sacrifice to make that happen? Is his sacrifice going to be enough for you? These are things you will have to figure out.
sean1970 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 But what if it was a mistake Denver? What if he's telling me the truth that it will never happen again? We got along so well in many ways. I'm not even sure why he cheated? He does not seem like a person with low self esteem to me. I feel lost without him. It was indeed a mistake, one that did, and should, cost him his relationship with you. Not that it matters much but how did you find out?
GrayClouds Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I believe everyone makes mistakes and if there is enough love and enough work on both people's part, then it can work. A mistake is trying to do the right thing and having the wrong result. Adding 2+2 and saying it is 5 is a mistake. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice. It is a conscious decision to do the wrong thing. Simply Sarah if your going to do NC read these, they will help: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
Author Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 How much does he want to earn you back? What is he willing to sacrifice to make that happen? Is his sacrifice going to be enough for you? These are things you will have to figure out. I believe that he still loves me. It's so complicated. I agree he does need to earn me back and earn back my trust for that matter. It was indeed a mistake, one that did, and should, cost him his relationship with you. Not that it matters much but how did you find out? I found out from a mutual friend of ours. I confronted him and he owned up to it. A mistake is trying to do the right thing and having the wrong result. Adding 2+2 and saying it is 5 is a mistake. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice. It is a conscious decision to do the wrong thing. Simply Sarah if your going to do NC read these, they will help: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? What is NC?
GrayClouds Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I believe that he still loves me. It's so complicated. I agree he does need to earn me back and earn back my trust for that matter. I found out from a mutual friend of ours. I confronted him and he owned up to it. What is NC? No Contact, one of the better ways to help you heal from a break up...read those two links: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? .
Author Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 No Contact, one of the better ways to help you heal from a break up...read those two links: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? . I see. I will take a look at the links. Thank you.
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Cheating, in my opinion, is an irrecoverable offence in a relationship for a number of reasons. It is a conscious decision that one makes. You could make the argument that, in a "moment of weakness," someone could do something they wouldn't normally do. If one succumbs to that weakness they are weak in character. You do not cheat or deceive during a relationship. If you're not happy, you break up and then you can do whatever you want -- but you don't do those things when you have a contract of the heart with someone. A person who is weak can grow stronger and learn from their past mistakes, but the relationship itself is done. Even if they change, you'll always have that constant doubt in the back of your mind and it will drag down the communication and cause subconscious paranoia. Look Sarah, I'm not much better. I lied during my relationship and suffered from an addiction because *I* was weak. Deception is deception and there are always two parts of a relationship and I am not going to take the moral high ground and point my finger at cheaters while glossing over my own previous deceptions. My past relationship was destroyed because of too many lies from both sides of the table. I've become a stronger person from it through introspection. The simple point I am trying to make is that people *DO* make mistakes -- we all do. But we had better learn from them less we end up repeating the same mistakes over and over. But the relationship? It is done -- because despite the fact that he might actually change his nature and work on his weaknesses, the doubts that are cast over your previous relationship will always be there. They'll fade, but they'll be a cancer to the success of your relationship. People can change, but the past cannot. You need to accept that, although he may be able to change, will you be able to shut off your doubts for the remainder of your time together with him? You can't -- it is impossible. You can go one direction and be a better person and he can go his and be a better person but the poison spilled in that relationship is there to stay. You are both better off going your separate ways and exploring new relationships. People can change, but the past is etched in stone.
Author Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I hear you loud and clear Denver your post makes sense. I'm just not ready to let go of him yet. It was one time so he tells me. I don't know what to think? I'm hurt and confused.
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