muhtarka Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Hello all, I decided to write because i am tired....tired from my MIL. Everything started in june this year when my boyfriend for the past 5 years and me decided to move to France in order to change our life. We had not much options about where to stay and decided to settle temerary in his mother's house. ( It is very difficult to get an appartment in such a big city, therefor it takes time) Now it is 6 months that we are living here, and those 6 months i spent in a total nightmare. I will not list all the things his mother is doing, because otherwise the list will be too long, but here are some of the situations that make me mad (so mad that i want to kill her) - in the morning she doesn't let us sleep later that 9 am (saturday and sundays) - she is critisizing everything that i do and what her son does - she is screaming like mad for any small detail like dirty cup or TV switched on - she is telling to all her friends that we are loosers, that we do nothing and that we just spend money (that are our money, btw) - she distroys all the letters that are comming on my name from my university or from other places - she is checking my things when i am not here and God knows what else she is doing or saying when i am not at home - she wants to control every aspect of the life of my boyfriend and of mine (including that she got mad when i told her that my health condition is something private) - We can't go out to meet our friends because she is getting mad Well there are many more things.... i just don't want to seem boring....i just don't know what to do...she really drives me crazy I know that my situation is not the worst but i just need to tell this to somebody, because i can't tell this to my future husband... Thank you fo listening
harmfulsweetz Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) Hello all, I decided to write because i am tired....tired from my MIL. Everything started in june this year when my boyfriend for the past 5 years and me decided to move to France in order to change our life. We had not much options about where to stay and decided to settle temerary in his mother's house. ( It is very difficult to get an appartment in such a big city, therefor it takes time) Now it is 6 months that we are living here, and those 6 months i spent in a total nightmare. I will not list all the things his mother is doing, because otherwise the list will be too long, but here are some of the situations that make me mad (so mad that i want to kill her) - in the morning she doesn't let us sleep later that 9 am (saturday and sundays) - she is critisizing everything that i do and what her son does - she is screaming like mad for any small detail like dirty cup or TV switched on - she is telling to all her friends that we are loosers, that we do nothing and that we just spend money (that are our money, btw) - she distroys all the letters that are comming on my name from my university or from other places - she is checking my things when i am not here and God knows what else she is doing or saying when i am not at home - she wants to control every aspect of the life of my boyfriend and of mine (including that she got mad when i told her that my health condition is something private) - We can't go out to meet our friends because she is getting mad Well there are many more things.... i just don't want to seem boring....i just don't know what to do...she really drives me crazy I know that my situation is not the worst but i just need to tell this to somebody, because i can't tell this to my future husband... Thank you fo listening I'm sorry to say this, but why can't you tell him? It sounds like a long running, serious issue and it won't go away by keeping quiet. If you can't communicate this problem to him, what else can you not say? I get the whole 'I don't want to 'diss' his family' but in the end, if you plan to marry this man, you have to be considered family and important, important enough for him to stand up for. Is he at all aware of the situation? You need to know that in circumstances such as these you come first to him, not his family. Because in the future, it will only get worse. Was she alright with you before you two moved in? Have you asked her about the things she does? Is there a reason she could be acting this way? i.e. has she changed at all from welcoming, helpful, accepting to this? My brother and his fiance live with us, and where I don't see that my mam does these things, her attitude towards his fiance has changed somewhat. I think it goes back to feeling uncomfortable, put upon (imposed) and taken advantage of. It's not that she doesn't like his fiance, but it's easy to find niggles with someone when they move in and you see them day-to day. But she is out of order and you should speak up to your bf about this. Edited December 28, 2009 by harmfulsweetz needed to write more.
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 - in the morning she doesn't let us sleep later that 9 am (saturday and sundays) Hmm.... actually, this isn't unreasonable, but I can't quite put my finger on why not, at the moment.... - she is critisizing everything that i do and what her son does What does he say or do? - she is screaming like mad for any small detail like dirty cup or TV switched on It's her house. you live by her standards and rules, not yours. When you have your own place, you can do what you want. Until then, wash up, and turn the tv off. - she is telling to all her friends that we are loosers, that we do nothing and that we just spend money (that are our money, btw) I take it you are both in jobs, both earning, and able to prove her wrong? - she distroys all the letters that are comming on my name from my university or from other places Have all mail diverted to another address then. - she is checking my things when i am not here and God knows what else she is doing or saying when i am not at home Then deny her that opportunity. Buy a padlock for your door, and a small portable safe. I did that when I lived in a shared house. best thing I ever did.... But I removed the padlock and made good the holes drilled, when I left. - she wants to control every aspect of the life of my boyfriend and of mine (including that she got mad when i told her that my health condition is something private) You have to understand that French matriarchs are a weird bunch. They not only want to know everything, they expect and assume to have that right, too..... This too shall pass... as will she..... We can't go out to meet our friends because she is getting mad Well there are many more things.... i just don't want to seem boring....i just don't know what to do...she really drives me crazy I know that my situation is not the worst but i just need to tell this to somebody, because i can't tell this to my future husband... Thank you fo listening If your future husband is doing nothing to support you, stand his ground and defend both you and him from this onslaught - then think - very - VERY - carefully - about marrying him. This will not change. She will not change. in fact, as a MiL, she will become worsde. And if he will not change, then he has no spine, is a mamma's henpecked boy, and you have no hope of making this a relationship about just the two of you. Il y aura toujours maman.....
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 And by the way... the title of your thread is extreme, and makes you sound as crazy as you're making her out to be. To say you hate her is in itself a terrible thing to say, and a very strong term that should never be used when speaking of a fellow human being..... She's not evil. She's self-centred, and might have jealousy issues, because you're with her precious son, but she's not evil. Evil? I've met evil. And believe me. She's a pussy-cat by comparison.
Author muhtarka Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Well thank you all for the quick feedback....I know that there are MIL that are much more terrible than mine but still it is very unpleasent and annoying to hear her screaming every day. It did not start the day we moved in, it had started 5 years ago when i'd met her for the first time. That evening she told to her son infront of me that i was cute, nice and pleasent but that she still prefers the other girl...yeah. She has a tought personality and the way she speaks she can make you feel meserable. Moreso, she doesn't understand other cultures, other religions, etc. I am Orthodox, but for her it is almost the same like buddism. We had treid to explain, but it didn't work. She is never listening to other people. Me and my bf have a big ammount of money that we had put aside because we wanted to buy real estate few years ago, but then decided to see the world before setteling, and she is screaming at us for every 1 euro/dollar spent. In fact, all the scandals turn into financial disputes... that's very sad. We were talking with my bf about the situation, well he sees it evey day, and i know that he is on my side, but now the question is what to do in the future? We will be moving out soon (in january) but she will follow us even in the new place. Later we are thinking of having kids, but i can't imagine her standing near by me and telling how bad mother i am, or else what. The problem is not the short-term here, i think. It is more a long-term. What do you think? If you have/had the same situation, please let me know what to do.... Thank you
Sweetcheripie Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Hello all, I decided to write because i am tired....tired from my MIL. Everything started in june this year when my boyfriend for the past 5 years and me decided to move to France in order to change our life. We had not much options about where to stay and decided to settle temerary in his mother's house. ( It is very difficult to get an appartment in such a big city, therefor it takes time) Now it is 6 months that we are living here, and those 6 months i spent in a total nightmare. I will not list all the things his mother is doing, because otherwise the list will be too long, but here are some of the situations that make me mad (so mad that i want to kill her) - in the morning she doesn't let us sleep later that 9 am (saturday and sundays) - she is critisizing everything that i do and what her son does - she is screaming like mad for any small detail like dirty cup or TV switched on - she is telling to all her friends that we are loosers, that we do nothing and that we just spend money (that are our money, btw) - she distroys all the letters that are comming on my name from my university or from other places - she is checking my things when i am not here and God knows what else she is doing or saying when i am not at home - she wants to control every aspect of the life of my boyfriend and of mine (including that she got mad when i told her that my health condition is something private) - We can't go out to meet our friends because she is getting mad Well there are many more things.... i just don't want to seem boring....i just don't know what to do...she really drives me crazy I know that my situation is not the worst but i just need to tell this to somebody, because i can't tell this to my future husband... Thank you fo listening If you have SO much rage that you want to KILL her I think it is time you moved out and make it quick. You are a guest in her home - you choose to be there, if you don't like it....get out.
Eve Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Yep, its time to stand on your own two feet. I think this is a case that Mum simply cannot relate to her child as an adult in this situation and that you have outstayed your welcome. Time to move on methinks. To be honest, I wouldnt put up with the sleeping in late part (all the time) and wouldnt entertain the stockpiling of money, travelling around and then expecting things to be as you want when you get back.. but my kids know this already and wouldnt push their luck too too far. Her son should know her better really. I mean, whats in it for her? The role of the ever suffering mum doesnt suit all!!! The French are marvelously passionate and she probably means well in her own defiant way. .. but realistically, I would have kicked off as well.. Take care, Eve xx
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I know that my situation is not the worst but i just need to tell this to somebody, because i can't tell this to my future husband... Thank you fo listening Why not? Why are you wanting to marry someone you cannot speak your mind to? Hell, I told my soontobe husband his mother would sleep with Hitler if he paid her bills. Beyond all that, why is it taking 6 months? And are you paying rent to her? If you are not paying rent, she might have at least some reason to have become this upset......
threebyfate Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 It's time to move out. What you don't want to cause are irreconcilable differences. It's just not worth the long-term grief, for some short-term satisfaction. I hope you're paying her not only rent but living expenses. If not, she does have a right to criticize your monetary expenditures.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Can I ask how old you and your bf are? Anyway, MOVE OUT NOW...And, tell your bf (boyfriend or fiancee?) to talk to his mom and get her to back off. Or, you tell him YOU are going to talk to her and sort this out because if you two are going to be married, his mom has to get over it and try harder to be nice to you. HE should be standing up to her to make it better. But if he doesn't, can't or won't, re-think marrying him because this woman, your future MIL isn't going to go away. she will always be in your lives.. In the meantime, try not to overreact and do all that you can to keep the peace. You may have to be the one to rise above it all, it'll suck, but somehow you and your bf need to be mature about this and handle it respectfully, and fair..especially if you talk to her about it, be the bigger person.
TwinkletOes26 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I dont see why it matters if they sleep past 9 am on sat and sun. Its obvious that they are working and are just living there until they can find a place to stay. Sounds like her mother in law isnt fond of her sons choice and is trying to run her off. All this is about control if it bugs her that bad for them to stay with her then why did she agree to it in the first place? I dont understand people especially parents when it comes to this.If you are going to help someone out then help them out. I never hear of friends treating each other like this just parent/in laws. I think i feel a spin off thread coming...anyways op you and your husband need to have a sit down with your mom in law and if you cant reach an agreement then you need to move FAR FARRRRR away.
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