Is NC always best?

[sean1970]

No NC is not the only way to go and in some circumstances is not the right way to go. In many circumstances however it IS the right way to go. My relationship therapist said no-one can tell you what to do, you have to do what feels right at the moment, this can change hour to hour. There is no set rule for what people should do, each case is different.

 

Heaven, I don't think you believe NC is wrong in most cases; you just desperately wish it were not right in yours.

 

I did not feel NC was right for me because my ex left me after I neglected him for 2 years, (together for 18 years) he made it clear he wanted to stay in touch as I was still his best friend and we still love each other (he is not IN love with me now), he said he was 'terrified' of not having me in his life at all. He left me in july, we have regular contact.

 

When are you going to forgive yourself for this "terrible crime" of neglect?

 

If I had gone NC I would have regretted it, I would have felt I had not done all I could to show him what he meant to me, he left as he thought I didn't love or need him anymore (WRONG!), and it changed his feelings for me. If I had initiated NC he would just have carried on assuming I didn't love or need him.

 

I think we all would agree, you have given it your all Heaven. However, after five months, what is there left to show him?

 

I have no idea if we can ever reconcile, but if I walk away then there is nothing to build on, the friendship we have is a close one still.

If it turns out we can never reconcile, I sincerely hope we can remain friends as we will always be special to each other, we have a wonderful rapport. Yes I dread him meeting someone else, but I will cross that bridge if and when. I'm taking each day as it comes right now.

 

What are you building on Heaven? In five months, what has changed? Will the relationship, as it is now, be satisfying for you were it to be this way for another five months?

 

I am not sitting around waiting and hoping ...

 

I have a little bit of hope but am trying to not pin everything onto it...

 

Huh?

 

I have found the last 5 months incredibly hard without him, incredibly painful and I have a long way to go yet. I have horrible relapses.

 

With what you are doing now, and what he has told you for five months, how to you see this changing? What is it going to take for you to move on? Seeing him do it? You really want a front row seat for that?

 

I know most people here will say I told you so if he meets someone else and I am crushed, BUT I will say it again, I will NOT regret giving it my best shot, I will not regret not having gone NC from the start. People only say this to me because they care and not because they are being callous.

 

Almost no-one goes NC from the start; I would go as far as to not recommend it. However, almost six months after the breakup and you continue to hold on. Why? After 18 years and 6 months, have you yet to give it your 'best shot'?

 

There is no point following our heart if it's 100% obvious the other person's heart isn't in it.

 

Didn't you say that he is no longer in love with you... that he told you that? Does that qualify as 100% not in it?

 

If all we were reading from you Heaven was how good it was to have him as a friend, and you did not want to be back with him, great. But that is not where you are at... You refuse to accept that the romantic relationship is over and there is nothing left to do about it. I'm sorry but it is hard to read how in pain you are when you alone continue to inflict it.

Edited December 28, 2009 by sean1970

[HeavenOrHell]

I know I'm a sad f*** Sean.

[sunrae]

I know NC is best for ME for a while after a break up... I tend to go with my emmotions and sometimes when they are raw, right after a break up. contacting the ex is not good for me.... So for ME, NC for a while is always best, it allows me to get mt feelings under control.... Sometimes in that NC time, I realize they arent the person I want to end up with and the realationship really wasnt that great... Sometimes, like right now, with NC, I miss them terriably and will break it at some point, to reach out and open the lines of communication.

 

But that is why I (for me), NC is best..... Many people us it for different reasons, some I dont agree with, but I basically use it to get control of my feelings and emotions.

[sean1970]

I know I'm a sad f*** Sean.

 

No... It's just the emotional investment you are making does not appear to have the return potential you are hoping for... Is it worth putting your happiness on hold for?

 

Cut yourself some slack... be done being sorry... realize you are lovable and will love again.

[threebyfate]

NC is the quickest way to get over someone.

 

But...

 

It only works for people who are determined to move on and have embraced the pain of permanent break up.

 

It doesn't sound like you're ready to bite the bullet, kittenkit, in that you want him back. If the relationship is worth saving, in that there's a chance to make it happen, consider LC (low contact).

 

If there's no chance of making it happen, don't hang on. You're only hurting yourself.

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you're saying I really do.

I'm not constantly blaming myself for my neglect, and he has also made it clear there is no need to blame myself.

I wouldn't say I've put my happiness on hold, I am rebuilding my life, meeting new people etc, I wouldn't say no to some light hearted dating in the not too distant future-YES I would be upfront with them.

I'm working on the loveable thing I guess I've never really felt loveable cos I don't feel it within myself, but I shouldn't only feel that I'm loveable when I'm in a loving relationship, ie shouldn't depend on feeling it just cos other people tell me it/show me it.

 

 

No... It's just the emotional investment you are making does not appear to have the return potential you are hoping for... Is it worth putting your happiness on hold for?

 

Cut yourself some slack... be done being sorry... realize you are lovable and will love again.

[HLP234]

I understand the whole NC thing, but its so confusing because if the person left you, you think they should be the ones to contact you. But if that person is insecure, gets mad at you easily, than they are sitting there getting upset and frusterated wondering why you don't contact them.

 

That's how my situation is but I think if they left you, than you going on NC is a good idea and that they have to realize what they did wrong and get back to you to either let you know they moved on or they want to work things out.

 

I don't like that in my case, she left for space and has not said anything, I feel left out hanging in the dark..but I'm going on with it as it being over.

 

Like someone else said, I don't like having regrets but if it has to end with us not saying a word to each other ever again than what can I do? I would rather have, hey its over whatever just so I know..even though I am going through it as if it is officially done..it would just be nice to know the case is closed I guess.

[sean1970]

I know what you're saying I really do.

 

I know you read it... You just don't believe it.

 

I'm not constantly blaming myself for my neglect, and he has also made it clear there is no need to blame myself.

 

Heaven, you bring it up in many of your posts; as recent as this one.

 

I wouldn't say I've put my happiness on hold, I am rebuilding my life, meeting new people etc,

 

Why do we not hear about them?

 

I wouldn't say no to some light hearted dating in the not too distant future.

 

No one here would tell you that is the elixir Heaven, especially where you are right now. Your fist effort must be to break orbit from around this man.

 

Look at Erica's situation. As much as she cared for her ex's feelings, as much tact she showed in dealing with the breakup, she eventually realized she was choking off her own happiness. I would wager that she would trade the last few months of back and forth for some NC healing time.

 

I'm working on the loveable thing I guess I've never really felt loveable cos I don't feel it within myself, but I shouldn't only feel that I'm loveable when I'm in a loving relationship, ie shouldn't depend on feeling it just cos other people tell me it/show me it.

 

I'm right there with you Heaven. And I'm going to tell you, this is the harder chore. I just eventually realized I needed to be away from my ex for that to start. How could I begin when I was constantly communicating with someone that no longer loved me?

 

You think your current relationship with him is symbiotic; it is not. While certainly not contentious, it is stifling your ability to heal and grow.

[HeavenOrHell]

No, I just don't know how you or anyone can know for sure he will never want to rebuild, my friends IRL say that no-one knows that for sure, as well as saying don't pin all your hopes on it cos no-one knows what will happen. Yes it may be 5 months on, but like I've said before I have friends who have got back 3 years later and 2 years later, but no I won't wait around for that long before I think about dating anyone else.

Even my relationship therapist says no-one knows for sure what will happen, and she has heard all about his side of things from him as he went to see her for several sessions before we split. So what makes you different from everyone else, why are you the one who knows for sure what will happen?

Yes we may never reconcile, I have no idea-but that's the whole point, I have no idea, either way.

The reason I have said several times about he neglect is because I am posting to new people here who don't know my story, this doesn't mean I am constantly beating myself up about it, I am just giving the facts/the reasons given for the split.

I don't talk about the new friends I've made here because it's not really relevant is it? My friends keep saying how well I am doing by going out and meeting new people even though I have social phobia, they are all proud of me, even my ex said how brave I have been for going out more and meeting new people, you will have to take my word for it.

Only I can decide if/when to go NC, I would have regretted going NC before now, I didn't want to turn my back after the reasons that caused our split.

I may go NC soon, I don't know, it will be my decision, I won't be pushed into it.

 

 

I know you read it... You just don't believe it.

 

 

 

Heaven, you bring it up in many of your posts; as recent as this one.

 

 

 

Why do we not hear about them?

 

 

 

No one here would tell you that is the elixir Heaven, especially where you are right now. Your fist effort must be to break orbit from around this man.

 

Look at Erica's situation. As much as she cared for her ex's feelings, as much tact she showed in dealing with the breakup, she eventually realized she was choking off her own happiness. I would wager that she would trade the last few months of back and forth for some NC healing time.

 

 

 

I'm right there with you Heaven. And I'm going to tell you, this is the harder chore. I just eventually realized I needed to be away from my ex for that to start. How could I begin when I was constantly communicating with someone that no longer loved me?

 

You think your current relationship with him is symbiotic; it is not. While certainly not contentious, it is stifling your ability to heal and grow.

[TaraMaiden]

HorH, having recently fallen into the stranglehold of insistence and persistence, with regard to beating another poster round the head, in an effort to make them see my point (I should have backed off sooner, I realise that now....) I can see what Sean is doing.

He's trying to 'make you see sense' and to stop cultivating what he feels is false hope, and look to your future.

But really, what I realised, is that no matter how much you whang somebody round the head with the large metal skillet that is 'Truth', if the subject of your persistence is wearing an ultra-thick protective helmet, and enveloped in a three-foot-thick feather-down duvet - no amount of whanging is going to have any effect.

 

So I will merely add this:

Try to maintain a clear vision of how sensible this hope is, and when it stops being useful to you.

Try to figure out for yourself the point (if ever it should come) that it stops being a constructive hope, and transforms into a false and destructive one.

 

Try to weigh your logic against the emotion, because when we reason with logic, things turn out far more positively.

Using emotion as a foundation for our thinking, is ultimately pointless, because our emotions are based upon desire. Desire, distorts Truth.

 

That's all.

 

[kittenkit]

Thanks everyone for all your replies. It really helps to get a variety of different opinions.

In the end I contacted him. I sent an email explaining how I felt about what has happened. I asked him not to talk to me at work and explained why I've reacted badly to his other efforts to communicate.

Now I feel much better. I feel as if I've made myself clear. That I'm not pretending like i don't care about what happened, but I'm also holding my head up and getting on with things without asking for sympathy.

He replied thanking me for sending me the message and apologising for what he's done and saying that he's missed me. He's no closer to understanding what happened than I am.

Funnily enough, now that I've contaced him, and I feel much better for it. I now feel like I need to implement No Contact. Not because he's the devil and I need to cut him out of my life forever, but simply because I need some space. I don't know when we'll speak again - on a practical level we need to at some point to sort out posessions - but I know that I need some time alone to figure out what I want to do with my life. Or at least what I want to do with 2010. and I need time to grieve. Until then I believe no contact is best.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. It's really helped.

[trueblue72ny]

i think you are very strong to have held out with nc that long. but i agree, you need to focus 100% on yourself right now.

Edited December 31, 2009 by trueblue72ny

[Zeegagge]

My story.

 

My ex and I have been broken up for two months now. We moved to where we are right before the breakup, and are living together, thus No Contact is not a possibility.

 

I've remained cool, calm, collected and confident in front of her the whole time. She hasn't seen me upset. She even said the other day 'You've been really cool about this whole thing' I've been trying to have very little contact with her. When shes on the couch Im on the computer and vice versa. When she comes wondering in at 11am from an all night drinking binge, I head to the coffee shop.

 

I was trying to disappear most of the time and then only show up at exactly the right moment. Right when I could wow her with my social skills and only let her see the best side of me.

 

It was working too...

 

Enter: her new girlfriend

 

Yah.

 

Now I listen to them giggle constantly (annoying) and I'm not even on the map.

 

Am I threadjacking?

 

What was my point? Oh yah, if you're going to contact them only let them see the very best side of you. Confidence is key.

[Heartbrokenandinlove]

Ive been broken up with my ex for 3 weeks now - and we have only spent 48 hours with NC...I have to say it is really nice to hear from her - and for that time we are on the phone/im/in each others company its amazing - you forget the pain but as soon as that contact has ended you sink to the low again....I am now thinking of initiating the NC just to stop that sinking....afterall, maybe she'll realise? if not I should be more stronger to deal with it!