Is NC always best?

[kittenkit]

Hello all,

 

I've been reading the messages on this forum for a few weeks now after my fiance broke up with me 3 weeks before our wedding. I've found it all really helpful and I've been reading about no contact and I can see that it makes sense to protect yourself and focus on yourself and I already knew instinctively that there was no point in trying to convince someone to stay with you if they want to leave. So I just let him go, and I haven't contacted him for 3 weeks.

 

However, here is my problem. If I maintain NC and he maintains NC and we never, ever speak again the rest of our whole lives - then aren't we just killing any hope of reconciliation? Aren't we just running away from each other?

 

Now I would have thought that the person who finished it should be the person who initiates contact; they must make the first move since they decided to leave. But people on this forum, some of them, are the dumpers and people are saying to them that the dumpees know how they feel and if they really, really cared about them they would call them. As a dumpee who cares - I know that's not true.

 

There's another thread where someone said that their ex didn't even call or wish them a good Christmas and someone said that this clearly meant that they didn't care about them and had moved on. That's not true - I didn't call my ex or wish him a Happy Christmas, but I'm still in love with him and I'm devastated we're not together.

 

On the outside I am coping with this extremely well. The first thing I did was to go out, get a haircut and a new wardrobe, new perfume. I've looked better this last 3 weeks than I have all year. Plus being with my family over Christmas was a welcome distraction - and we've had a blast - a really, really good time. On the day that would have been my wedding day I organised a big family day out and I can honestly say that it was one of the best family days we've ever had. Amazing when you think I should have been getting married that day.

 

BUT - it's all a distraction from how I'm feeling. When I go home at night I cry myself to sleep. I can't bear this feeling in my chest and stomach. I feel sick. I alternate between sad, angry, lonely. If my ex is looking at me from the outside it will appear to him as if I absolutely do not give a s---, but that is not true. If that is all he sees and we both maintain NC and his friend's say to him "well - look you must have done the right thing in calling it off because she clearly doesn't care" and the rest of our lives pass and we never, ever speak then he will never know what I went through in these months and will never know that I wanted to get back together.

 

A whole relationship will have been thrown away, through his stupidity and my pride.

 

How can that be for the best?

[TaraMaiden]

 

However, here is my problem. If I maintain NC and he maintains NC and we never, ever speak again the rest of our whole lives - then aren't we just killing any hope of reconciliation? Aren't we just running away from each other?

If you're both on the same page and want to reconcile, then at one point, that will make itself evident.

But if it's been 3 weeks now, and still no attempt from him, then - nope.

But you really should read up on NC, because the whole point of NC is to move on, and explore pastures new, not hold you stuck, or push you back together again (only to repeat the same crap again)....

 

Now I would have thought that the person who finished it should be the person who initiates contact; they must make the first move since they decided to leave. But people on this forum, some of them, are the dumpers and people are saying to them that the dumpees know how they feel and if they really, really cared about them they would call them. As a dumpee who cares - I know that's not true

No, yet again, you're mistaken.

99 times out of 10, the dumper will get in touch simply to yank the chain and throw breadcrumbs. The dumper still wants the validation of knowing that although THEY have bust it up, the person dumped is still holding a candle for them. it's an ego-trip, and frankly, the last thing a dumpee needs.

The only message a dumped person should pay any attention to, is:-

"I made an horrendous mistake, I still love you, and can't live without you, please give me another chance, I'll do everything to put this right."

Everything else is just shyte.

 

There's another thread where someone said that their ex didn't even call or wish them a good Christmas and someone said that this clearly meant that they didn't care about them and had moved on. That's not true - I didn't call my ex or wish him a Happy Christmas, but I'm still in love with him and I'm devastated we're not together.

Hang Christmas, hang New Year, hang birthdays, they mean nothing, except to greetings cards companies. It doesn't matter. NC is NC and should be kept up, whatever, whenever. NC is supposed to remove those occasions. Only you make them more important than they are.....

 

 

 

(. . . ) BUT - it's all a distraction from how I'm feeling. When I go home at night I cry myself to sleep. I can't bear this feeling in my chest and stomach. I feel sick. I alternate between sad, angry, lonely. If my ex is looking at me from the outside it will appear to him as if I absolutely do not give a s---

 

You're not getting this are you?

What the heck makes you think he's giving you any thought at all? He dumped you, he doesn't care what you think.

He's relieved you're not clinging to his heels, and making a nuisance of yourself. He's actually quite relieved to not have to think about you. The last thing he wants is a desperate hysterical ex, bothering him. so, really, forget any thoughts of offending him. He dumped you, remember? Because he no longer wanted to be with you!

You have to face this. The desperate yearning is in your heart.

you're projecting that into him, and it's just not a happening thing....

 

but that is not true. If that is all he sees and we both maintain NC and his friend's say to him "well - look you must have done the right thing in calling it off because she clearly doesn't care" and the rest of our lives pass and we never, ever speak then he will never know what I went through in these months and will never know that I wanted to get back together.

He doesn't care whether you care or not. He's just glad to be out of it.

But he will try to get in touch at one point, just to satisfy his ego curiosity....

 

A whole relationship will have been thrown away, through his stupidity and my pride.

 

How can that be for the best?

 

Because it's better than going through an expensive and messy divorce a few years down the line.

Count your blessings, it seems you got off lightly. If he's stupid, why want to be with him anyway?

Give me pride over stupidity any day.....

Edited December 28, 2009 by TaraMaiden

[kittenkit]

If you're both on the same page and want to reconcile, then at one point, that will make itself evident.

 

Thanks TaraMaiden - I think this is my question, perhaps I didn't phrase it very well. If you both maintain NC, how does it make itself evident that you're both on the same page and want to reconcile? If that ever happens?

[TaraMaiden]

I told you.

The only way you're going to know is if he sends you a message of reconciliation, and a sincere desire to try again.

 

Other than that, take it as read.

You're not on the same page.

 

Sorry hun.

You need to focus completely and totally and exclusively on you, and you alone.

Read the Caliguy link in my signature....

 

That should clear it up for you.....

[HeavenOrHell]

> not getting this are you?

What the heck makes you think he's giving you any thought at all? He dumped you, he doesn't care what you think. <

 

How can you imply that dumpers never think about the person they've dumped?! No offence but that is rubbish. People who have dumped on LS do think about their ex's and care about them. My ex cares about me and how I feel, he has made that clear the last few months, he hasn't just left me after 18 years and not thought of me again or cared about me, I think that would mean he was a robot! He has found it difficult and painful since we split up and hard to cope at times.

I know friends who have dumped and still think about their ex's.

Often people who dump did not want it to come to that but had no choice as things could not be mended in the relationship.

[kittenkit]

Thanks for your replies - this is so hard. I think I'll go and delete his number from my phone while I'm in the right mind to.

[TaraMaiden]

> not getting this are you?

What the heck makes you think he's giving you any thought at all? He dumped you, he doesn't care what you think. <

 

How can you imply that dumpers never think about the person they've dumped?! No offence but that is rubbish. People who have dumped on LS do think about their ex's and care about them. My ex cares about me and how I feel, he has made that clear the last few months, he hasn't just left me after 18 years and not thought of me again or cared about me, I think that would mean he was a robot! He has found it difficult and painful since we split up and hard to cope at times.

I know friends who have dumped and still think about their ex's.

Often people who dump did not want it to come to that but had no choice as things could not be mended in the relationship.

 

Unfortunately, history and a cruise through this forum will bear me out for the majority of the time.

The majority of people dumped, have a hard time accepting they've been dumped, and it's made all the more worse by witnessing the ex- moving on and going out with new partners.

You've been in a relationship that's lasted a lifetime... The OP never even got to the altar. It's hardly surprising your emotional connection to your ex- is as strong as it is.

But really, it can't be compared to the OP's situation.....

[HeavenOrHell]

No NC is not the only way to go and in some circumstances is not the right way to go. In many circumstances however it IS the right way to go. My relationship therapist said no-one can tell you what to do, you have to do what feels right at the moment, this can change hour to hour. There is no set rule for what people should do, each case is different.

I did not feel NC was right for me because my ex left me after I neglected him for 2 years, (together for 18 years) he made it clear he wanted to stay in touch as I was still his best friend and we still love each other (he is not IN love with me now), he said he was 'terrified' of not having me in his life at all. He left me in july, we have regular contact.

If I had gone NC I would have regretted it, I would have felt I had not done all I could to show him what he meant to me, he left as he thought I didn't love or need him anymore (WRONG!), and it changed his feelings for me. If I had initiated NC he would just have carried on assuming I didn't love or need him.

I have no idea if we can ever reconcile, but if I walk away then there is nothing to build on, the friendship we have is a close one still.

If it turns out we can never reconcile, I sincerely hope we can remain friends as we will always be special to each other, we have a wonderful rapport.

Yes I dread him meeting someone else, but I will cross that bridge if and when. I'm taking each day as it comes right now.

I am not sitting around waiting and hoping, I am getting out and meeting new people and keeping busy, rebuilding my life bit by bit and learning from the mistakes I made. I have a little bit of hope but am trying to not pin everything onto it, I am being realistic too, at least-my friends say I am.

I have found the last 5 months incredibly hard without him, incredibly painful and I have a long way to go yet. I have horrible relapses.

I know most people here will say I told you so if he meets someone else and I am crushed, BUT I will say it again, I will NOT regret giving it my best shot, I will not regret not having gone NC from the start. People only say this to me because they care and not because they are being callous.

There's no rule which says the dumpee can't make contact.

I know my ex still cares even if he did the dumping, he may not ever want me back but this doesn't mean he doesn't care.

I say follow your heart while taking into consideration the facts and the reality of your situation, ie don't BLINDLY follow your heart.

There is no point following our heart if it's 100% obvious the other person's heart isn't in it.

It doesn't (necessarily) mean they don't care if they don't call or text over Christmas.

Of course some ex's will leave and not give much thought to their ex but that is either because it hurts too much and having NC is their way of coping, there will be a few who actually DON'T care at all about the break up but I imagine that is pretty rare and quite frankly we don't need them them in our lives if we meant that little to them.

I made it clear I was finding our break up very hard, but without shoving it in his face, so to speak! He thought I would be over him 2 weeks, so I wanted him to see how far from the truth that was. I wrote a loving letter 2 or 3 weeks after he left, not a pleading or begging letter, not even asking if we could try again, it was just saying how much he had meant to me etc, he said he appreciated me sending it and was glad I wrote it. I sent a long email recently too saying stuff I needed to say. I will say no more now.

When we meet we just have a fun, silly time, nothing heavy, we don't talk about what happened, although we did the first few weeks, he kept asking me how I was and if I wanted to talk about it.

One of the things I regret while we were together is our lack of communication when we had problems, this is a lot of couples' downfall.

Anyway hun, just wanted to say how things are from my perspective, most people here will say you MUST go NC so that you can move on and that you mustn't show him you still care. Although I'm sure most hope that NC will bring their partner back, but there are no guarantees, some couples are not meant to be together and will never work, maybe that is true for me and my ex, maybe it worked all that time but never will again, time will tell.

No-one can tell you what to do hun.

Keep us posted, ok?

[HeavenOrHell]

Not sure how long they've been together?

 

 

Unfortunately, history and a cruise through this forum will bear me out for the majority of the time.

The majority of people dumped, have a hard time accepting they've been dumped, and it's made all the more worse by witnessing the ex- moving on and going out with new partners.

You've been in a relationship that's lasted a lifetime... The OP never even got to the altar. It's hardly surprising your emotional connection to your ex- is as strong as it is.

But really, it can't be compared to the OP's situation.....

[TaraMaiden]

well, I don't think it can have been anywhere near 18 years.

you're right of course.

I was speaking merely in the context of a relationship that hadn't really been in existence for any great significant period of time.

But you, with your 18, and I with my 25, I see the distinction, and perhaps should have clarified.

But I hope you see my point......

 

Thanks for discussing.....

[HeavenOrHell]

25 years for you! Crikey

Yes I see your point.

Thanks TM

 

 

well, I don't think it can have been anywhere near 18 years.

you're right of course.

I was speaking merely in the context of a relationship that hadn't really been in existence for any great significant period of time.

But you, with your 18, and I with my 25, I see the distinction, and perhaps should have clarified.

But I hope you see my point......

 

Thanks for discussing.....

[Simon Attwood]

If I had followed the majority of the advice on here (not advice given to me for I have only been a member for a short while, but the majority of the advice that tends to be given as a whole) then I wouldn't be married to a beautiful woman who, 90% of the time, is a joy to be with.

 

We tend to, by nature, give the advice that we ourselves follow, so if someone has chosen to protect their fragile identity at all costs and are terrified of revealing vulnerability, then the advice they give (in fact almost yell) is "No Contact".

 

"No Contact" protects you, or at least the illusion of you, your identity. But it is the closing of all doors and the putting up of walls. OK you are safe behind your defences, but you don't have any chance of letting anyone in, or yourself out.

 

It concerns me a bit, that there are many people on here that have been the victims of a dysfunctional relationship, and that their perceptions and perspectives have been heavily influenced by that dysfunctionality. Therefore the advice they give will tend towards dysfuncional advice.

 

Identity is a fragile and manufactured concept. The more insecure a person is, the more fragile the foundations of that identity and the more aggressively and hysterically things that can define identity are protected and defended. Unfortunately, desperate to cling to some form of identity, after an identity crushing experience such as the break up of a dysfunctional relationship, where the relationship served to define an aspect of that identity, people will find themselves in a bit of an identity void. The result is that this identity vacuum sucks in the hurt and pain, and the hurt and pain then takes on an aspect of the identity. Because this dysfunction, hurt and pain comes to define a part of identity. The dysfunction, hurt and pain are then defended as if they are now the self, or at least part of the self, and an attempt to take out this hurt and pain so that it can be healed, is met with violent opposition, as if the self, itself, is under attack.

 

So my contention is that, the kneejerk "No Contact" response that seems to be so prevailent on here, in part justifies our own dysfunctional stance, and is, essentially, an identity defence mechanism with a very primitive phylogenetic origin.

 

Judging by your post, though, Kit, you seem more individuated and that your identity foundation is more based upon who you are, rather than an image of who you would like others to see and this is why you have handled the situation as well as you have, and also why you have felt the need to question the cry of "Not Contact" that for me, also, seems to have an element of desperation and terror in it.

 

Your post, and question, is very intelligent and refreshing.

 

It takes a great deal of courage to allow yourself to appear vulnerable to another, and the opposite of that would be "No Contact!!!" and with that cry, you hear the iron gates slam shut, and the dead bolts slide in to place and there behind your defences, you sit safe ... and alone.

Edited December 28, 2009 by Simon Attwood

[Tasha1675]

Hi Kittenkit,

 

Well I just thought I'd tell you that I think you are doing really well. Keeping up the no contact thing is tough but it really is for the best. If you don't mind me asking, what reason did he give you for breaking it off?

 

I am going through a break up, my ex and I were living together and were in love but he decided he wasn't ready to settle down and ended it so as not to waste any more of our time. I have been very cut up over it, since i had moved to a new city with him to make a life with him and he just dropped me! I have kept up no contact for 10 weeks and it's so so hard. I want to speak to him every day but I stop myself because I do believe that as he made the decision and if we ever do have a chance of reuniting, it will have to be down to a big change in him and what he wants, and not what I want. Therefore he would need to be the one to make contact.

 

If this man does regret the choice he has made and at least decides he wants you in his life then he will get in touch at some point, believe me. They always do. You need to continue to show him that you are strong and can live without him (even though you are hurting a great deal, I know).

 

If you want to chat about it some more, I'm here

[Tasha1675]

I do agree with Simon, we do tend to give the advice that we ourselves are following but it's just what we feel is right

[HeavenOrHell]

Best for who Tasha? It might be right in your situation but it might not be right for Kittenkit. Why are we all supposed to show our ex that we are strong and doing fine without them?! It just smacks of pretence and lack of communication.

If there was any hope me and my ex could ever reconcile it would be less likely to happen, imposible probably, if I had acted like I don't need him etc etc once he left, because he left because he didn't feel I needed him:laugh:

 

Hi Kittenkit,

 

Well I just thought I'd tell you that I think you are doing really well. Keeping up the no contact thing is tough but it really is for the best. If you don't mind me asking, what reason did he give you for breaking it off?

 

I am going through a break up, my ex and I were living together and were in love but he decided he wasn't ready to settle down and ended it so as not to waste any more of our time. I have been very cut up over it, since i had moved to a new city with him to make a life with him and he just dropped me! I have kept up no contact for 10 weeks and it's so so hard. I want to speak to him every day but I stop myself because I do believe that as he made the decision and if we ever do have a chance of reuniting, it will have to be down to a big change in him and what he wants, and not what I want. Therefore he would need to be the one to make contact.

 

If this man does regret the choice he has made and at least decides he wants you in his life then he will get in touch at some point, believe me. They always do. You need to continue to show him that you are strong and can live without him (even though you are hurting a great deal, I know).

 

If you want to chat about it some more, I'm here

[HeavenOrHell]

Good post Simon.

[Simon Attwood]

To answer your initial question, then;

 

No, "No Contact" isn't always best. But, having defended my contention that there are times that "No Contact", can be the wrong advice, I'd like to also point out that "No Contact" is essential if the dysfunctionality of your relationship was due to the other displaying traits of Destructive Narcissistic Pattern, because the aim of the DNP is to destroy other's identity in response to a core weakness or emptiness in their own identity. This is a time that you do really need to protect yourself.

 

The trouble is it is very difficult, especially for someone in an emotional involvement that has become dysfunctional, to see expressed DNP traits. Calling the other Narcissistic can actually be an identity defence in ourselves. We would like to see the other as negatively narcissistic because it validates ourselves and our behaviour and vilifies others. We can project our own latent narcissistic qualities on to the other. Everyone has narcissistic qualities and it is easy for our perceptions to bring out the narcissistic qualities in others, while turning a myopic eye away from our own narcissistic qualities.

 

So;

 

sometimes "No Contact" is an essential survival tool, and some times "No Contact" can be an extremely dysfunctional instinctual response to an attack upon our fragile identities.

[HeavenOrHell]

It seems like pride gets in the way a lot when we're dumped. And most people shout NC NC! Like we're putting 2 fingers up to our ex.

Well I've been prepared to keep at least some of my barriers down, just in case he ever wants us to try again, this doesn't mean I don't respect myself or that I am sitting around pining for him all the time (maybe some of the time!), it means the relationship was special enough for me (it was for him too) not to immediately make out I hate him and shut the door on him forever more.

Of course if he had cheated on me or treated badly in any way I would not feel like this, but he didn't.

[Tasha1675]

Clearly it depends on why you two broke up as to whether you decide to remain in contact or not. Every relationship is different.

I have chosen not to call my ex and he has chosen to do the same. My door is not closed to him, he knows where I am. I just feel that when a person decides that they don't want to be with you any more, no amount of talking to them will change it. They maybe need to live their own life and grow as a person to know if they made the right decision or not. Who knows!

 

I hope I haven't offended anyone, I was just giving my opinion and like many on here, am going through a tough time and am constantly trying to figure out the right course of action myself

[HeavenOrHell]

It was just that you said to the OP that NC 'is for the best' and I don't think we know enough about the circumstances to know that for sure.

I agree a person can't be pushed/forced into wanting to reconcile, but I think you can state how things are for you, (to your ex, if it feels right) in a non pressuring way and NOT in a begging, pleading, I must have you back sort of way, and then leave it at that. In many cases that wouldn't be the right thing to do of course, but in some cases it is.

You haven't offended anyone hun

Yes, I think most of us here are constantly trying to figure out the best way to go about things, does your head in doesn't it!

 

 

 

Clearly it depends on why you two broke up as to whether you decide to remain in contact or not. Every relationship is different.

I have chosen not to call my ex and he has chosen to do the same. My door is not closed to him, he knows where I am. I just feel that when a person decides that they don't want to be with you any more, no amount of talking to them will change it. They maybe need to live their own life and grow as a person to know if they made the right decision or not. Who knows!

 

I hope I haven't offended anyone, I was just giving my opinion and like many on here, am going through a tough time and am constantly trying to figure out the right course of action myself

[Tasha1675]

Yeah I completely agree - I don't know enough about the circumstances to say for sure what is best. It really is so hard to know what to do in these situations isn't it! If ony we could fast forward a few years and see what's going on so we can make all these decisions now and in the best possible way!

 

I would like to contact my ex but when we ended I did suggest that we try to work it out and talk about it a bit more (there was no begging etc!) but he flatly refused, so for me I feel any talking from me will just be met by a brick wall sadly

[lostboyuk]

Hi kittenkit, thanks for your kind words on my problems.

 

Purely for me, NC was not the best way so it really is down to the circumstances and individuals I feel. I've read much about NC on here a couple of months back when I got dumped the 1st time! I nearly went for it and had the text msg ready to send. Before I did I sat my miserable ass down for some serious thinking time and came to the conclusion that I don't want to live my life with regrets and if I didn't tell her just how much she means to me (although she really should have known) I would regret it forever. Personally I hate regrets, but I would rather regret something that I tried to do than something I didn't do at all. In fact I don't think I have any regrets from my whole life for something I did, it's ALWAYS the things I didn't do!

 

Only my opinion, think my sorry ass will be on here lots if you wanna talk.

[kittenkit]

Thanks everyone. I really don't know what to do!

We'd been together for 5 years and as the wedding approached, he really started to panic. I could tell that he was panicking - he kept talking about friends of his who were married and unhappy with their lives and about how his mum thought he wasn't "being enough of a husband" to me.

I said that our marriage was something between the two of us and no one else - it doesn't matter how unhappy his friends are or what his mum expected from us. He said that when I spoke about marriage then it didn't sound so scary, but clearly my input didn't have as much of an effect on him as what other people were saying.

3 weeks before the wedding he called it off. Not just the wedding. Us. He wants to be friends - of course he does - and initially I did but I realise now that was just me unable to admit to myself what was happening and accept that I'd lost him. We can't be friends because I want more.

All I wanted was for us to be together. We were so happy until 2 months ago when he started to panic. I just thought we would be happy together and take on life's adventure as a team.

I don't remember what reasons he gave me when we were breaking up - the only thing I remember him saying is that he's "not ready" and may never be. I could maybe understand this if he was younger, but he's 31 (I'm 30) but if he's not ready at 31, after 5 years then I can't really see what's going to change.

He has tried to contact me a few times but I ignored him. They were messages saying that he hopes I'm OK. He tried to talk to me at work but I reacted very badly because I got such a shock seeing him. I said I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I know he's been quite unwell over Christmas - I didn't ring him to see how he is.

I just don't know what to do. No Contact. Yes, as Simon says it puts up a barrier to protect yourself, but is that the way to go? I don't know. How does he feel that I've ignored him? Does he think I'm trying to hurt him or that I don't care? I was just trying to do what I thought was best.

Edited December 28, 2009 by kittenkit

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for the infill.

Seems to be he caught commitment-phobia and backed right off big time. So far off, in fact, he went over the edge, and disappeared onto a different plane....!

 

Look, I apologise if I came over as harsh, but I'm afraid I still stand by every word.

Harsh as it sounds, and difficult though I know it is, I still believe in this case, you need to maintain NC, because the only thing he's doing when he contacts you, is to chat reassuringly, with no particular evident aim, and he just stirs you all up again.....

 

the only thing I can suggest is that, if he contacts you again, you ask him what his end-game is.

 

What's his point?

Because explain you're not in the same place he is, nor of the same mind, and that this is painful for you, unless he wants to commit to trying again.

 

But to what end? would it work, knowing what you want, and what he wants are so different?

Ask yourself that.

Because it's unlikely he could bring himself to make a suitable compromise, which means you'd have to settle for a lot less than you originally wanted, or hoped for.

 

Do you see what I'm saying?

Don't contact him.

Let him contact you.

Then, get some answers.

Then, you'll be more sure of yourself.

[Simon Attwood]

Thanks everyone. I really don't know what to do!

We'd been together for 5 years and as the wedding approached, he really started to panic. I could tell that he was panicking - he kept talking about friends of his who were married and unhappy with their lives and about how his mum thought he wasn't "being enough of a husband" to me.

I said that our marriage was something between the two of us and no one else - it doesn't matter how unhappy his friends are or what his mum expected from us. He said that when I spoke about marriage then it didn't sound so scary, but clearly my input didn't have as much of an effect on him as what other people were saying.

3 weeks before the wedding he called it off. Not just the wedding. Us. He wants to be friends - of course he does - and initially I did but I realise now that was just me unable to admit to myself what was happening and accept that I'd lost him. We can't be friends because I want more.

All I wanted was for us to be together. We were so happy until 2 months ago when he started to panic. I just thought we would be happy together and take on life's adventure as a team.

I don't remember what reasons he gave me when we were breaking up - the only thing I remember him saying is that he's "not ready" and may never be. I could maybe understand this if he was younger, but he's 31 (I'm 30) but if he's not ready at 31, after 5 years then I can't really see what's going to change.

He has tried to contact me a few times but I ignored him. They were messages saying that he hopes I'm OK. He tried to talk to me at work but I reacted very badly because I got such a shock seeing him. I said I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I know he's been quite unwell over Christmas - I didn't ring him to see how he is.

I just don't know what to do. No Contact. Yes, as Simon says it puts up a barrier to protect yourself, but is that the way to go? I don't know. How does he feel that I've ignored him? Does he think I'm trying to hurt him or that I don't care? I was just trying to do what I thought was best.

 

I would only, generally, recommend "No Contact" if there was any intentional malice, i.e. if you were dealing with someone exhibiting DNP traits. And, if the intentional malice was ongoing. If it had stopped, my recommendation would be wait and see if the other made contact and take it from there. If there was no intentional malice in the first place, as appears at first glance, here. Then I'd say minimal, consistent contact; something safe and unthreatening.

 

I've used the abused animal analogy before. In order to approach, every step must be carefully placed and must not in anyway be perceived as threatening, as soon as you sense apprehension, stop, or step back a little. You are essentially approaching a terrified animal, albeit with a veneer of humanity, and you have to treat them the same way you would that animal, or you will get your hand bitten off.

 

We generally know how to protect ourselves very well, but we are often not so good at knowing why we are protecting ourselves, what we are protecting, and what we are protecting from.

 

Sometimes it is because the other person is a threat, but more times than not it is because our own fragile identity is threatened. We are actually protecting ourselves from ourselves; our perceptions and interpretations threaten our identity if our identity has fragile foundations. We are like glass and the slightest knock could leave us in pieces. Or at least that is how we perceive it emotionally.

 

Kit, the questions you need to ask yourself are;

"Did he intentionally hurt me?"

"Did I allow myself to define my identity in my future expectations?"

"How is my identity (i.e. how others perceive me) damaged by this experience?"

"What is it that is really making me angry?"

"Will I end up in pieces if I talk to him?"

 

I remember standing at the altar on my wedding day. The message that came down the line was "Hardly any of the people that she invited have turned up, she's outside crying her eyes out".

 

Now this was a woman that either pushed me away, or ran away, 3 times before this day. Once back to an ex boyfriend for 3 months. Each time I chose to pursue, but not in any threatening way. I just wanted to make sure she knew my feelings and that i was there. I was initially angry, obviously, as anyone would be, but the anger was soon replaced by determination. I knew that each time she ran away, was following a step forward emotionally. The time she went back to her ex for 3 months, followed an intense weekend in which, on the Saturday night, with a house full of guests for a small party, she looked in to my eyes and we both kind of melted inside, and across the room, where everyone else could hear, she said "I love you". The following day she couldn't look me in the eyes. I went home and called her on the Tuesday, sha said she couldn't speak, 5 minutes later a text message came through saying "I'm sorry I can't see you any more".

 

Anyway, back to the altar. I was initially terrified that she was going to pull out because of the calamity of not having hardly any of her invited guests there, but I got a grip of myself and said to myself, whether she comes down that aisle or not, it doesn't change who I am and my life will go on. The message came down that they were going to go ahead anyway because they couldn't wait any longer, and the wedding went ahead without any further glitches. It turned out that arranging a wedding in London on the same day as Henley Regatta, the Tour de France London leg and Wimbledon Tennis Finals was a bad idea, and almost everyone she invited had got stuck in traffic.