Dinner with a friend....

[Amy35]

What are your views on your SO going out for a meal and a drink with a friend....?

 

And you don't go or are not invited?

 

If the SO who isn't going has feelings pertaining to angst....those feelings are valid....but should the meal and drink be cancelled so that the SO who isn't going feels better?

 

Interested in what you guys think on this.....

[MichiganMan222]

This actually happened to me. My fiancee and I have a standing rule; no contact with ex's (ex-h and ex-w ok because of kids). Anyway, I had lunch plans with a women I grew up with and hadn't seen for a long time. I never had sex nor dated this girl, but she was single and my gf was very nervous about it. We are FB friends and she asked to see her pic. When I showed her, she admitted her concern (the woman is attractive). Out of respect for her, and placing myself in her shoes, I cancelled.

[Bejita463]

I personally require that my partners have a little more faith in me than that. I understand how someone could be concerned over it, but asking a guy not to see a friend because of insecurity is uncool, unless there's a good reason for it.

[xpaperxcutx]

Trust and self- confidence.

 

If I trust you, then I won't make it a big deal and tell you to have fun. If I get jealous than that's because I actually have low self- esteem in myself.

 

When I was with my ex, he had this gorgeous girl friend that he had known for years and whom he had told me he used to have a crush on. Knowing that, I got really upset because at the time I had low esteem in myself and had needed constant reassurance from my ex that I was the girl for him.

 

After a while, I got over it because I never liked being a jealous person and I knew fully well at the time that my ex would never do anything to hurt me. So it's really about trust. If it's a good friend, I don't why I would prevent my SO from being with their friends ( even if it is the other gender).

[TaraMaiden]

Yup, I'm with that.

It's not about your partner and his friendships. it's about how you take them, or not, as the case may be.

My partner goes out occasionally with friends - both male and female.

My work commitments mean that on many occasions, I can't go with him. On others, it's simply not the time or occasion.

I really don't give a rat's @$$.

I love him.

He loves me.

We're both sufficiently committed and comfortable with that.

 

If you have issues, look to within, and ask why?

[Amy35]

It's not my SO....it's me that is going out.

 

My friend is a friend who I have known since 2003. We started work together at the same place on the same day...and have been friends ever since. The guy is like my big brother.

 

He still works at the old place....I got another job....and with work commitments and life which gets in the way for both of us...we tend to manage to see each other once every six months or so....so we make arrangements to meet up for a meal and a drink...general catch up of life and work....then 6 months go by and we are like..."Hey we need to catch up again"

 

So 18 months ago I met my SO. I've seen my friend twice since me and my SO started seeing each other, and today is the 3rd time. The last time I made arrangements to meet with my friend...my SO told me he wasn't happy with me being out on my own with my guy friend as it showed the outside world that we were a couple and he didn't like that.

 

So then said if he went out with one of his friends who was a woman without me then I would be pissed. I wouldn't....as I trust my SO. And if he did cheat....then that is beyong my control but he wouldn't be my SO if he did.

 

So I told my friend my SO wasn't happy about us meeting and that infuture my SO wanted us to meet in a bar with other friends so that we were not alone. I said I could understand the way he felt....but that I didn't want to stop seeing my friends to make him feel better.

 

This guy friend of mine.....I got divorced in 2007 and I only have a few good friends...and they got me through my divorce and recovery from my abusive exH. I dropped all my friends while married as my exH hated me having friends....and my feelings are I don't want to do that again or be in a position where I have to choose.

 

My SO doesn't really socialize with anyone. He has gone on work functions and the like....but as for friends...he has some online ones....there is one I met but she lives 300 miles away and like the scenario with me and my friend...he sees her very rarely. I have no issue or would have no issue with my SO saying to me "hey X is in town and we are gonna meet up" I wouldn't even expect to be invited....

 

My SO wants me to finish the meal early....and be home by 8pm. I'm meeting my friend at 5pm. I'm 36....not 12.

 

It's been a longstanding meet up we planned 5 weeks ago due to outside commitments....it's not like I go out every other night....but damn he tried hard to make me feel bad about having a life outside of him.

[Amy35]

Oh and the guy friend has a partner, she is a cool woman....managed to tame him as he was a bitter sort.....and he fell in love!!!

 

She is fine with us (guy friend and me) meeting for a meal....if she was upset I wouldn't go....but she trusts her SO.....I get the feeling my SO doesn't trust me.

 

My SO has met this guy once....my SO was pretty impolite too...bordering on rude to be honest.

 

I won't be home by 8pm....I'll will be home when I am finished.

[SoulStorm]

Oh and the guy friend has a partner, she is a cool woman....managed to tame him as he was a bitter sort.....and he fell in love!!!

 

She is fine with us (guy friend and me) meeting for a meal....if she was upset I wouldn't go....but she trusts her SO.....I get the feeling my SO doesn't trust me.

 

My SO has met this guy once....my SO was pretty impolite too...bordering on rude to be honest.

 

I won't be home by 8pm....I'll will be home when I am finished.

 

The first bold selection;

 

If she would be upset you would not go, but your SO is upset and you still go. How important to you is your SO, when your "friend's" partner being upset trumps him being upset?

 

 

The second bold selection, No you are not 12 and I do think 8pm is a bit much to tell someone grown to be home by. However, you are in a relationship with him and should consider being back at a respectable time, out of concern for your SO.

 

Or do you really want a relationship with him. Your behavior is of one who would be better off single for now.

[SophieA]

Wow. Some people amaze me.

 

There should be no problem with you going out for drinks/dinner with a friend.

 

You are a grown woman and you're allowed to have friends. You are not required to ask permission or have him attached to your hip everywhere you go...

 

Sounds like some major issues on your bf's part.

 

Tell your bf to get a grip.

[SoulStorm]

I believe that Amy35 is already emotinally attached to this guy. Which can spell trouble for any relationship she gets into. She has not clarified whether or not she has been sexually intimate with this friend. Which adds a whole new level to their relationship.

Perhaps her boyfriend feels uneasy because of the emotional attachment, which was fine when she wasn't in a relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with going out, however I do see wrong in her placing her boyfriend's worries on a back burner in lieu of her friend.

 

A real friend would not want to come between her and her boyfriend if he was aware of his discontent.

 

Just like she has stated that she would not go if her friend's partner saw it as being wrong..I think her friend should take that in consideration also.

 

Or are we going to be one sided here?

[SophieA]

I believe that Amy35 is already emotinally attached to this guy. Which can spell trouble for any relationship she gets into. She has not clarified whether or not she has been sexually intimate with this friend. Which adds a whole new level to their relationship.

Perhaps her boyfriend feels uneasy because of the emotional attachment, which was fine when she wasn't in a relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with going out, however I do see wrong in her placing her boyfriend's worries on a back burner in lieu of her friend.

 

A real friend would not want to come between her and her boyfriend if he was aware of his discontent.

 

Just like she has stated that she would not go if her friend's partner saw it as being wrong..I think her friend should take that in consideration also.

 

Or are we going to be one sided here?

 

I don't know about you..but when someone says friend, I believe they mean friend. As in platonic. As in no romantic feelings.

 

It is ridiculous to have to ask permission to go out with a friend or be worried that your boyfriend is going to get pissed because you're going out for dinner with a friend.

 

Her bf has trust issues. It's obvious. And unless she has done something to contribute to them, he needs to get a grip.

 

In fact, I am seeing a good friend from high school tomorrow night. *gasp* and guess what? My bf isn't going!!!! *gasp* and *double gasp* my friend is male!!!!

 

And my bf sees his female friends for dinner, often alone, when they're in town.

 

There is nothing less attractive then someone who tries to control your friendships and throws a hissy when you want to go out without them every few months.

[D-Lish]

Actually, she clarified he was like a big brother. I didn't get any vibe they had a past comprised of anything but friendship.

 

To the OP- There is nothing wrong with seeing an old friend for a meal.

Only an extremely insecure and controlling person would forbid such a meeting.

 

I would be livid if someone tried to control my friendships.

It's not inappropriate to have friends of the opposite sex.

 

If you did have a sexual past with this guy- I might feel a bit differently, but it doesn't sound as if you do.

 

Either your guy trusts you, or he doesn't.

...And to be telling you what time you need to be home!! Whoa- that's overboard. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes and spies on you.

[SoulStorm]

I don't know about you..but when someone says friend, I believe they mean friend. As in platonic. As in no romantic feelings.

 

It is ridiculous to have to ask permission to go out with a friend or be worried that your boyfriend is going to get pissed because you're going out for dinner with a friend.

 

Her bf has trust issues. It's obvious. And unless she has done something to contribute to them, he needs to get a grip.

 

In fact, I am seeing a good friend from high school tomorrow night. *gasp* and guess what? My bf isn't going!!!! *gasp* and *double gasp* my friend is male!!!!

 

And my bf sees his female friends for dinner, often alone, when they're in town.

 

There is nothing less attractive then someone who tries to control your friendships and throws a hissy when you want to go out without them every few months.

No need for the sarcasm..I'm just looking at it from his point of view. I am not in for trying to control friendships unless I feel it is going too far.

 

Maybe he is insecure, and quite jealous of the bond she shares with him, but that doesn't mean she has to disregard his feelings in the matter.

 

Personally I wouldn't care.

And just because she said he is like a big brother doesn't mean nothing never happened.

[angie2443]

Really, there is not right or wrong here. Both people in this relationship have different confort levels when it comes to how open their relationship is.

 

IMO, the adult thing to do is to talk about their different views regarding what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to opposite sex friendships. Then, they can decide if they are compatible enough to stay together.

[lkjh]

I wouldn't be cool with my gf going on a date with another man. What you describe is a date, I highly doubt the guy was never attracted to you.

 

You are going on a date, call it what it is

[SoulStorm]

I think your past relationship is really going to affect your relationship with your current boyfriend. Your exH was controlling, any similarities to his controlling nature in your new boyfriend is going to be met with rebellion.

 

This is going to cause much friction in your relationship. I don't see it lasting very long if things don't change for either of you.

 

I've been married for 23 years and am very happy in my relationship with my wife. I would not appreciate my wife going on a "date" with a friend every few months. All it would take is us to have a good fight, she goes on that "date, has one too many drinks and all of a sudden the story is "it just happened".

 

Hypothetical situation I know, but has happened too many times to count. You can't discount an emotional connection and attraction.

 

I can't control her and do not wish to. I would state my feelings and let it go at that. If something were to happen and I found out, then that's it for me. I won't be disrespected or a doormat for anyone.

[angie2443]

I've been married for 23 years and am very happy in my relationship with my wife. I would not appreciate my wife going on a "date" with a friend every few months. All it would take is us to have a good fight, she goes on that "date, has one too many drinks and all of a sudden the story is "it just happened".

 

Hypothetical situation I know, but has happened too many times to count. You can't discount an emotional connection and attraction.

 

.

 

Just look around on these boards. This situation happens all the time.

[Amy35]

I believe that Amy35 is already emotinally attached to this guy. Which can spell trouble for any relationship she gets into. She has not clarified whether or not she has been sexually intimate with this friend. Which adds a whole new level to their relationship.

Perhaps her boyfriend feels uneasy because of the emotional attachment, which was fine when she wasn't in a relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with going out, however I do see wrong in her placing her boyfriend's worries on a back burner in lieu of her friend.

 

A real friend would not want to come between her and her boyfriend if he was aware of his discontent.

 

Just like she has stated that she would not go if her friend's partner saw it as being wrong..I think her friend should take that in consideration also.

 

Or are we going to be one sided here?

 

I am not emotionally attached to this guy...he is my mate. I see him possible once every six months.....speak to him every month or two IF our schedules PERMIT.

 

If you want to call that emotional attachment, I'd like to hear about what you feel is my relationship with 8 engineers I cater for daily within my job spec

 

Sexually intimate with my friend.....no way....it would be like shagging my brother.....ewwwwwwww!!!!

[Amy35]

I think your past relationship is really going to affect your relationship with your current boyfriend. Your exH was controlling, any similarities to his controlling nature in your new boyfriend is going to be met with rebellion.

 

Rebellion? Don't you mean as an adult having the right to do what I like? The right to a choice? To live my life how I see fit and not based on what makes my partner happy or not? Because only someone who knows about controlling would turn around and say that a woman who doesn't do as her told is Rebellious...or did I get that wrong?

 

This is going to cause much friction in your relationship. I don't see it lasting very long if things don't change for either of you.

 

What me going out for a meal with a mate once every six months?

 

I've been married for 23 years and am very happy in my relationship with my wife. I would not appreciate my wife going on a "date" with a friend every few months. All it would take is us to have a good fight, she goes on that "date, has one too many drinks and all of a sudden the story is "it just happened".

 

And if your wife did that....that is her choice. You can't stop her or control her. All you can do is trust. Everything else is beyond your control.

 

I don't appreciate being told when I should be in. If I have a meal with my girlfriends I can come home when I like...but with a guy it's 8pm? So women don't cheat with other women? Or for some guys is that not a possibility.....that your wife could cheat with a man but not with a woman?

 

All it may take for you to cheat is for you to have a huge fight with your wife....spend the evening in the bar drinking and chilling out....start making conversation with some broad who "listens" to you....hey presto...."It just happened".....same goes for men too SS!

 

Hypothetical situation I know, but has happened too many times to count. You can't discount an emotional connection and attraction.

 

I don't have ANY emotional or physical attraction to my mate. Seriously....if I wanted to find someone to have sex with....I would at least try to find someone I could lay that didn't need a paper bag over their head! And even then....why would I do that....I'm with my SO.

 

I can't control her and do not wish to. I would state my feelings and let it go at that. If something were to happen and I found out, then that's it for me. I won't be disrespected or a doormat for anyone.

 

exactly....I agree.

 

I won't curtail my life for anyone....I did that for my 20 year M/R...ended up wasting 20 years bending over backwards taking it up the ass.

[SoulStorm]

I won't curtail my life for anyone....I did that for my 20 year M/R...ended up wasting 20 years bending over backwards taking it up the ass.

 

This is why I say your past relationship affects your current one. And yes it is rebellion, adult people can rebel to, it is not a term just meant for kids, teenagers or adolescents.

 

What me going out for a meal with a mate once every six months?

 

 

No, it is your attitude towards your boyfriend's concerns. I admit that 8pm is rather childish to ask for. However I do find it strange that you would respect your mates girlfriend about being uncomfortable than your own boyfriend.

That is going to cause friction.

I won't curtail my life for anyone....I did that for my 20 year M/R...ended up wasting 20 years bending over backwards taking it up the ass

 

I personally think you shouldn't be in a relationship.. your last 20 years with your husband has put an enormous amount of resentment in you and anything that triggers that resentment is going to be met with hellfire.

 

Relationships require lots of compromise and right now it appears you are not willing to compromise in areas he may feel threatened.

 

But this is between you and your boyriend..this is only my opinion. it is not an attack on you.

One thing about me and my wife. We respect each others feelings. If I said I was uncomfortable with something, no matter what it is..she respects that. I do the same for her.

 

All it may take for you to cheat is for you to have a huge fight with your wife....spend the evening in the bar drinking and chilling out....start making conversation with some broad who "listens" to you....hey presto...."It just happened".....same goes for men too SS!

 

 

Highly unlikely for me. I don't go to bars. If I go out, my wife is with me

But you are right..I never said it didn't happen to men.

 

 

If I have a meal with my girlfriends I can come home when I like...but with a guy it's 8pm? So women don't cheat with other women? Or for some guys is that not a possibility.....that your wife could cheat with a man but not with a woman?

 

 

And no I am not naive to believe that women meet women, not just men. Obviously he is more comfortable with you having a "meal" with women than a guy.

 

Like I said..if I found out something happened, that's it for me man or woman.

 

Since you have no attraction whatsoever to your mate, then why is your boyfriend so concerned?

 

I find it hard to believe that a woman with such a strong will would be with a guy who could not be just as strong. Unless she intended to find someone that way.

Edited December 30, 2009 by SoulStorm

[FryFish]

Quite Defensive there Amy... If you didnt want honest feedback and just wanted someone to tell you what you wanted to hear why didnt you just ask your "mate"...? Are you honestly surprised that your SO is concerned about you going out on a date with another guy?

 

You might think that its all "just friendly" but from my experience straight guys dont keep girls as "just friends" unless they want to have sex with them. If sex(or some other benefit) isnt a real possibility I dont bother wasting my time.

 

Does your friendship with your mate, the one you talk to every other month and see maybe twice a year really mean more to you than your SO's feelings?

[Amy35]

This is why I say your past relationship affects your current one. And yes it is rebellion, adult people can rebel to, it is not a term just meant for kids, teenagers or adolescents.

 

I can see why you would think that way....but I don't attribute rebellion with my scenario.

 

 

No, it is your attitude towards your boyfriend's concerns. I admit that 8pm is rather childish to ask for. However I do find it strange that you would respect your mates girlfriend about being uncomfortable than your own boyfriend.

That is going to cause friction.

 

I would respect her right to her opinion, doesn't mean I would agree with it. And the same goes with my BF. If she truly felt uncomfortable she can come join us for dinner...if my friend wanted that. If I ask my BF the same thing he says no.

 

My attitude is that I shouldn't be held responsible for how he feels or how she feels. That is for them to deal with. They are adults. He had the option to come join me, he declined.

 

 

I personally think you shouldn't be in a relationship.. your last 20 years with your husband has put an enormous amount of resentment in you and anything that triggers that resentment is going to be met with hellfire.

 

Disagree. I resent anyone trying to tell me (apart from my boss who pays me) I have to be in at 8pm. I don't have resentment towards my ExH. Pity maybe, indifference would be the key NON-feeling.

 

Relationships require lots of compromise and right now it appears you are not willing to compromise in areas he may feel threatened.

 

Relationships do not always require lots of compromise....WIN/WIN works better. For some compromise means missing out....on some issues compromise can work well if the parties involved can deal with the acceptance of the end result of the issue and be happy with the outcome. It takes mature, secure adults to be able to do that.

 

We talk and discuss lots of issues. I ultimately end up being the one that compromises. A LOT. And you accept that....because if you didn't you have no Relationship right?

 

But this is between you and your boyriend..this is only my opinion. it is not an attack on you.

 

I don't take it as such and hope you don't take my words as an attack on you....that isn't my intention here....

 

One thing about me and my wife. We respect each others feelings. If I said I was uncomfortable with something, no matter what it is..she respects that. I do the same for her.

 

And I regard you and your wife as lucky.....

 

As for me.....my current relationship has taught me to be selfish....in a self preservation way. You can give all you want in order to make someone happy....it just doesn't work. What causes the ripples...is when the dynamic you helped set up...now needs to change....and it is....and certain people don't like it.

 

 

 

Since you have no attraction whatsoever to your mate, then why is your boyfriend so concerned?

 

Insecurity I guess. And it may sound harsh....but that is not my problem. It's his to deal with.

 

I find it hard to believe that a woman with such a strong will would be with a guy who could not be just as strong. Unless she intended to find someone that way.

 

I often wonder myself....and no....he wasn't intentional.

 

I will say....I spent a long time in this relationship wanting it to progress faster than it should....moving in....getting married etc etc....and then things just changed for me. I realised I did the marriage thing....and look what happened....I used to live with my exH and crave to be alone...literally loved it when he went out....

 

So recently I changed my mindset....become more focused on me and my wants, needs and desires first....sure my relationship is important....but it isn't the be all and end all. It's a choice I make to be in one. You'd think my BF would be happy I choose to be with him....nope. Spends his whole time trying to change me.

 

Thanks for your comments.....much appreciated.

 

Dinner was nice btw....I got in at 11pm

[carhill]

I would at least try to find someone I could lay that didn't need a paper bag over their head!

 

Glad the dinner went well. Does your mate know you speak of him this way? I'm trying to better understand how to relate to women

[D-Lish]

Glad you had fun Amy.

 

Personally I don't think you have anything to justify to anyone.

 

I have male friends that are like brothers to me- I have also dated men with close female friends. I'm most certainly not going to give up life long friendships to appease a jealous bf or even a husband for that matter. I also don't expect a partner to give up his friendships for me.

 

Nothing about your friendship with this guy is inappropriate.

I'm glad you stood your ground and went.

[Javelin]

A few statements caught my attention.

 

As for me.....my current relationship has taught me to be selfish....in a self preservation way. You can give all you want in order to make someone happy....it just doesn't work. What causes the ripples...is when the dynamic you helped set up...now needs to change....and it is....and certain people don't like it.

 

So recently I changed my mindset....become more focused on me and my wants, needs and desires first....sure my relationship is important....but it isn't the be all and end all. It's a choice I make to be in one. You'd think my BF would be happy I choose to be with him....nope. Spends his whole time trying to change me.

 

Down this path, your current relationship with your boyfriend will not last very long and nor will any relationship prior. I say this because not one guy is going to stand for a girl that holds grudges from one relationship to another. Especially a girl that has selfish tendencies, fails to compromise, and feels that every guy that she encounters will try an change her. Not to mention, all that being based off a failed marriage.

 

Continue down this road and you will remain single for a long time.

Edited December 31, 2009 by Javelin