thegoose Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I love her so much.. After pining in hell for 3 months...and dreaming of the day she writes me with a heart... I have been working on myself with great results. I finally see my issues and I am becoming strong enough to work through them. I am totally inspired to become a better person and I am... I just received this message... dec 27 after going through xmas with no contact knowing she is with her new dude.......... GOOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEyyyyyyyyy Merry Christmas!!! Where are you? Canada / Spain / Japan? Where can I call you ? Can't wait to talk to you - so many things to tell you - and can't wait to hear all your crazy stories - so many great things are happening to you, eh? I am sooo happy for you. Sorry for not responding to your messages, I've not been facebooking much lately. Everything is great here, lots of quality family time, music, friends coming over, food and drinks... life is good. I don't miss the last xmas (lol!) but I miss you a lot. I want you to know that I am completley okay with everything you talked about it your last message. The moments we spent together were absolutely magic and I still have a very special place for you in my heart. I love you guys and I hope we can talk soon. Dumper xxx is it just me or is this a maybe I still love you there is a hope/chance..........help.....what should I do?
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I (. . .) is it just me or is this a maybe I still love you there is a hope/chance..........help.....what should I do? It's very simple: you text back a simple message: "Nice to hear from you. However, please only contact me if you have the intention of getting back together with me in a full-time, full-on relationship. Otherwise, please leave me alone and don't Contact me at all. Thanks." She's throwing you breadcrumbs. She has no intention of getting back with you, because she creamed the cake by telling you that 'The moments we spent together were absolutely magic and I still have a very special place for you in my heart.' It's complete bull. if she still really felt that way, you'd still be with her. What she means, is: "I want to make sure you're still there, but I have no intention of coming back, so I'll just try to make you feel better this way...." Which is just a new stab to the stomach, as you now know.... Really. Send that message, and then do not wait for a reply, or hold out hope. There is none, so don't create a fantasy out of it.
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 The moments we spent together were absolutely magic and I still have a very special place for you in my heart. I'm sure she does. Somewhere between the back right atrium and the superior vena cava. Her heart is a large condo and you have your own special room within it. Unfortunately, property values are plummeting along with the vacancy rate. Enjoy the view and don't forget to say hi to your neighbours because they're all special, too. Move on. Take a zero tolerance policy towards these type of e-mails. Like Tara said, if she wants to get with you, then she can write you that without ambiguity.
xoxo88 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I think this could be a second chance. She doesn't mention anything about her boyfriend only family, friends, bla bla and that might be a sign. You know better than anybody the real reson of the break up and if you want to get back with her or not. In case you decide you want to get back with her be sure you clarify all your issues and don't play any games. You either want a second chance or not. Both of you. Or maybe she just wants to be friends. Anyway you should try to find out her real intentions and get rid of the doubts.
TheLoneSock Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Sorry for not responding to your messages, I've not been facebooking much lately. OP, have you or have you not been in NC? This part of her message shows that you haven't; and that you have indeed been contacting her. She misses you, but her letter is so congenial it's as if she thinks it's ok to write to you like this. Clearly you have not drawn any boundary lines. This also shows that you have, in fact, not been in NC. My advice is to take this with a grain of salt and to control the tide of emotions you're feeling because of it. If you MUST respond... keep it short, cordial, and finite. It's very simple: you text back a simple message: "Nice to hear from you. However, please only contact me if you have the intention of getting back together with me in a full-time, full-on relationship. Otherwise, please leave me alone and don't Contact me at all. Thanks." I do not agree with this. Getting into which words to say and re-arranging sentences is all semantics, so I won't get into that. But I would say the OP needs to either not respond at all, or keep it drama free. By drama free I mean do not mention the relationship at all. The message TM is advising to reply with screams angst and that the OP might have been waiting for his chance to send that kind of pre-fabricated response. Basically it says he's still hurting and can't handle contact with her, furthermore it gives her an ultimatum. I'd never go that route. She's throwing you breadcrumbs. She has no intention of getting back with you, because she creamed the cake by telling you that 'The moments we spent together were absolutely magic and I still have a very special place for you in my heart.' It's complete bull. if she still really felt that way, you'd still be with her. What she means, is: "I want to make sure you're still there, but I have no intention of coming back, so I'll just try to make you feel better this way...." Which is just a new stab to the stomach, as you now know.... I do agree with this part, completely. TM is right in that this girl most likely has no intention of getting back together with you, OP. This letter is, in fact, complete bull. This letter doesn't have a single thing to do with you OP. This letter is about her, and making herself feel better. As cynical as that analysis sounds, it's true. She would not do this unless she had something to gain from it. What is she hoping to gain? Validation. Validation in that she knows you are still there when she knocks on the door, that you are still 'pining in hell' for her. The letter sounds sincere, but to the trained eye it is sealed with a kiss of death. My advice? Don't respond at all. But I know you'd never have the balls to blow her off like that.
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 The only time it could possibly be a second chance, is when the dumper says "I made a huge mistake and I want you to forgive me, and give me a second chance." Anything else is just ambiguity, mind games, breadcrumbs and yanking the chain. I mean, really.... who wants to hear "You'll always have a special place in my heart"...? What you really want to hear, is "You ARE my heart, and without you, it will cease to beat". Anything less is just messing around with the head....
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Getting into which words to say and re-arranging sentences is all semantics (. . .). The message TM is advising to reply with screams angst and that the OP might have been waiting for his chance to send that kind of pre-fabricated response. Basically it says he's still hurting and can't handle contact with her, furthermore it gives her an ultimatum. Damn right it does, and why shouldn't he? Why should he conceal his pain and angst, his anguish and torment, his distress and despair? Sometimes, I think a good, large bucket of cold water over the Dumper might be exactly what they need to make them get the message that their behaviour was unacceptable then, and it sure as hell is not acceptable now. We can tell from his post he's feeling desperate and hurt. Why the hell should she not be made aware of that?? I do agree with this part, completely. TM is right in that this girl most likely has no intention of getting back together with you, OP. This letter is, in fact, complete bull. This letter doesn't have a single thing to do with you OP. This letter is about her, and making herself feel better. As cynical as that analysis sounds, it's true. She would not do this unless she had something to gain from it. What is she hoping to gain? Validation. Validation in that she knows you are still there when she knocks on the door, that you are still 'pining in hell' for her. The letter sounds sincere, but to the trained eye it is sealed with a kiss of death. And this is precisely why she needs to be sent a message such as the one I suggested. because otherwise she'll carelessly breeze around and crush his heart beneath her heel, over and over.... But I know you'd never have the balls to blow her off like that. I hope to high heaven he does. Because otherwise, a month from now, she'll be wearing them from her ears like trophies. "Hey guys, how d'you like my new jewellery? they belonged to the patsy I used to go out with.....!!" Fer chrissakes, OP, get mad, for once! She's being selfish and outrageous!
worldcavedin Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 But I know you'd never have the balls to blow her off like that. I hope to high heaven he does. Because otherwise, a month from now, she'll be wearing them from her ears like trophies. "Hey guys, how d'you like my new jewellery? they belonged to the patsy I used to go out with.....!!" Fer chrissakes, OP, get mad, for once! She's being selfish and outrageous! That is the most hillarious statement i have heard in a long time!! Made me throw a burst of uncontrolled laughter that i have not done in a long time. Thing is, it is so true for me and probably most of the guys on here. Thanks for that, it was really really funny. even now i keep laughing when i think about it
Author thegoose Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Ok I did break NC 2 weeks before xmas to say here's the money I owe you. I still love you but I am moving and doing well working on myself..No **** this how I feel. If she wants me back there's alot of work for me to do and yes her too...If it doe's not ever work out I want to be strong and free from the issues that have killed all my relations in the past...It is only through our breakup that I have relized all this ****...I was an emotional mess... I also mentioned that I truly hope it works out for her with her new dude...Honestly she wants a family and happiness and she deserves it..She is a great gal that gave up on me and my codependant, possesive and uncommitting ways. I feel this message from her was at least a sandwich not breadcrumbs. I am waiting to find my truth in my responce and to see if I will ever respond... I may just have balls of steal but I do still love her, but I know I have more work to do on myself...I am a little scared that by not responding she might just forget me and think I am mad at her. I am not mad at her. She did not dump me cold but only felt we had too many difference's and that we could not work things out.. how long to wait to respond is more what I am thinking... So far the advice is great and I thank you all...Also the advice seems to say breadcrums will only make me suffer more... It seems like she wants a reply or to phone me....but if she really wanted to phone she knows my number so she is kinda asking if its ok...honestly I am not ready to talk to her..I wish I was....
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 She did not dump me cold but only felt we had too many difference's and that we could not work things out.. It doesn't matter if she took you to the Four Seasons for a full body massage, a nice dinner and a show before she dumped you. The fact is that she felt there were too many differences and she felt you guys could not work things out. Two types of people. People who fight the good fight and are mature enough with love to realize that you eventually have to fight for the relationship as adults. Second, people who give up -- and end up giving up in most aspects of their life. Whether it be their dreams, their passions or relationships, they don't know what it means to fight hard for something. How long after you two got back together before she felt something else about the relationship was irreconcilable? Do you really want to go from day to day with someone that could fold like an ironing board at the first sign of a real challenge within the relationship? We live in a culture that brings instant gratification too easily. We live in big cities with millions around us. It's a lot easier to throw out something old and buy something new than to maintain the upkeep of something old. There are people out there who are mature enough to fight the good fight with you -- you just need to go find them. How can you if you're spending all your time trying to decipher the meaning of her messages with your super-secret ex decoder ring?
Author thegoose Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 You Rok DB.........clear and great advice...but I still love her and would crawl through a tunnel of never ending vomit to have another chance.... and I have told her this .... I will work out my **** and come back for one day when I am ready....Eternal false hope maybe...or the power to change and win back what we have lost..A tough battle yes.. a battle that I must fight in order to be strong for myself inspired by love for her... Her message does say that she misses me and she remembers the magic... She is a very hard working and focussed woman and let me go because I was weak and yes a little pathetic not to mention lazy and selfish.
skydiveaddict Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 You She is a very hard working and focused woman and let me go because I was weak and yes a little pathetic not to mention lazy and selfish. 1: stop being weak, pathetic & lazy you will far much better w/ women 2: don't crawl through any "vomit filled tunnels" to get her back. dont do ANYTHING to get her back 3: DO NOT have contact w/ her of any sort. if she calls dont answer. dont go to her fb page. if she texts or emails you , delete them immediately. dont read them 4: she DOES NOT want you back. if she did, she would have said so. you must move on. you will stay miserable until you do
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Her message does say that she misses me and she remembers the magic... What is doesn't say is the real truth.. that she is building new magical moments with the new guy. The issue isn't whether she misses you or even if she still loves you.. the issue is that she is with another guy and has never said she made a mistake and wants you back. Sorry for your pain.. but honestly you need to look at the real reality that she is with someone else and not with you and if she truly loved you she would be with you. Time heals the pain.. keep posting and keep your chin up.. you'll feel better soon...
sunrae Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I agree with Art Critic.... I miss my ex-fiancee and I hold dearly to my heart the good moments we had... But I now understand after all these years and time apart we werent meant to be... I love him dearly and he will always hold a special place in my heart, but I dont want to be with him in a romantic way. We have a special friendship that I adore.
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 but I still love her and would crawl through a tunnel of never ending vomit to have another chance..... But would she do the same? No. So by the time you got to the other side and your vomit soaked person was asking for another chance, how would she look at you? This is becoming more an issue of a lack of personal self-respect and less an issue of a failed relationship. You know what you need to do, and crawling through the NYC subway is not the answer.
sean1970 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 but I still love her and would crawl through a tunnel of never ending vomit to have another chance.... Andy Dufresne would be impressed, she wouldn't...
selena_cat Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) OP, have you or have you not been in NC? This part of her message shows that you haven't; and that you have indeed been contacting her. She misses you, but her letter is so congenial it's as if she thinks it's ok to write to you like this. Clearly you have not drawn any boundary lines. This also shows that you have, in fact, not been in NC. My advice is to take this with a grain of salt and to control the tide of emotions you're feeling because of it. If you MUST respond... keep it short, cordial, and finite. I do not agree with this. Getting into which words to say and re-arranging sentences is all semantics, so I won't get into that. But I would say the OP needs to either not respond at all, or keep it drama free. By drama free I mean do not mention the relationship at all. The message TM is advising to reply with screams angst and that the OP might have been waiting for his chance to send that kind of pre-fabricated response. Basically it says he's still hurting and can't handle contact with her, furthermore it gives her an ultimatum. I'd never go that route. I do agree with this part, completely. TM is right in that this girl most likely has no intention of getting back together with you, OP. This letter is, in fact, complete bull. This letter doesn't have a single thing to do with you OP. This letter is about her, and making herself feel better. As cynical as that analysis sounds, it's true. She would not do this unless she had something to gain from it. What is she hoping to gain? Validation. Validation in that she knows you are still there when she knocks on the door, that you are still 'pining in hell' for her. The letter sounds sincere, but to the trained eye it is sealed with a kiss of death. My advice? Don't respond at all. But I know you'd never have the balls to blow her off like that. I agree,dont respond at all,the you will always have a special place in my heart is soo,i'm not letting you back in my life,dont contact her.Eww i didnt read your last comment,crawl through what?? Administrator!! I need to cancel my response,this guy has gone wild! Edited December 28, 2009 by selena_cat
GrayClouds Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 The moments we spent together were absolutely magic /QUOTE] Who give up on magic???????? is it just me or is this a maybe I still love you there is a hope/chance..........help.....what should I do? If this is a "still love you" there, it would be there.
Author thegoose Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 This is a funny thread and I know I am healing because it is enjoyable to read this...2 months ago some of these post would have maybe made me never come back to LS....I am still not convinced that this relationship is over....(arghh I hear everybody saying ok find out the hard way you vomit crawling wimp) That being said I am NOT going to contact her...I am not saying never but not untill I am strong enough to deal with no matter she has to say.... Its also incrediable how just when I am really starting to move on...I get the I miss you..magic momment crap........ I can just feel my confidence growing with everyday... BALLS OF STEAL BABY and a heart of gold......... maybe I should thank her for the nyse room in her condo (heart) ..that is friken great DB ...I have this imagine now of me being locked in a little storage room while everybody else has the nyse rooms.......I love it...
DenverBachelor Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 maybe I should thank her for the nyse room in her condo (heart) ..that is friken great DB ...I have this imagine now of me being locked in a little storage room while everybody else has the nyse rooms.......I love it... Glad you liked it. I'm not trying to destroy anyone's idealism but I can only give my advice based on my own life experiences and what I've observed in other people's relationships. In the end, everyone is different. We do a lot of sad things based upon the love we give others and sometimes we sacrifice the love for ourselves and put it in the recesses of our hearts while we pursue a failed relationship. Look on the bright side -- losing someone you loved in that way after a long-term relationship is probably the hardest thing you'll deal with besides deaths in the family. So now you're that much stronger from the experience.
gaudi Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I've read this thread all the way through twice. Denverbachelor is giving sound advice, go with it. IMHO, she could just have easily sent you a msaage saying "Hi Honey, any chance of an ego boost, hope to hear from you soon x"
jlr Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Believe me man, as someone who's been in the same situation - it isn't what you think it is. Sometimes it's even more implied, and still - not there. It's breadcrumbs. If our exes wanted us back, they'd come get us. They wouldn't throw **** like this out there. It's just to see if you're still hung up on her, or if you're alive, so she can feel less guilt for it all. It sucks, but it's true. ****, after our 5 year breakup, my ex contacted me a month later and we started sleeping together and hanging out for months. Did she ever want the relationship back? No. She was "confused." Now she does the same things your ex does with messages or conversations like this. It sucks, it really does. As much as it pains me to say, the rest of these people are giving you good advice. And DenverBachelor: We live in a culture that brings instant gratification too easily. We live in big cities with millions around us. It's a lot easier to throw out something old and buy something new than to maintain the upkeep of something old. That's exactly how I feel man.
boogieboy Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 This is a funny thread and I know I am healing because it is enjoyable to read this...2 months ago some of these post would have maybe made me never come back to LS....I am still not convinced that this relationship is over....(arghh I hear everybody saying ok find out the hard way you vomit crawling wimp) That being said I am NOT going to contact her...I am not saying never but not untill I am strong enough to deal with no matter she has to say.... Ill take it one step further. Dont respond to her until: 1. you can look at her email and understand how she is trying to bait you for her validation, 2. you are insulted by this letter of hers, 3. you realize by the letter that there is no chance she will ever come back to you. let her think you are mad at her, it will make her work harder for your validation (not reconciliation), and then you will see how pathetic she is - and you wont want to talk to her.
DenverBachelor Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 let her think you are mad at her, it will make her work harder for your validation (not reconciliation), and then you will see how pathetic she is - and you wont want to talk to her. Although it might bring someone satisfaction to have the one that dumped them seek validation and pawn for them, in the end, the most respectable attitude is to bid them farewell and wish them no ill-will. I wish everyone who was dumped by someone they loved could go peacefully down their own path without having to be contacted by an ex who is either trying to throw breadcrumbs, ease their own guilt or string the other along -- but immaturity from the dumper's arena will often cause them to shift back and forth over their decision when things get rocky with the one they're currently with. It isn't fair to the dumpee to have the dumper come back when things get tough on their end. They made a decision which should be clear to the dumpee -- that they're not the person to stick it out for the long haul (at least for the dumpee). What they often do is fill the dumpee's heart and mind with confusion by keeping in contact with them at a moment when the dumpee is most vulnerable. The person who dumped the other made a conscious choice to end the relationship regardless if it was correct or not -- but it was there decision to make. As much as many of us would like to force reason into their heart, it is their heart to make the choice and once that choice is made, it is time for the dumpee to move on and find someone who is willing to go the long haul with them.
Author thegoose Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 OK everybody.............I sent her a message....I caved...and feel pathetic and lost again...I really thought I was getting stronger...The contact she made gave me false hope even after all the great advice you guys gave me.... To anyone who falls for the breadcrumbs......I will say from my experiance it is like I have been set back months.....Honestly I had the chance to take back some diginty and self respect and I just feel like a gimp again. The worst part is that I am not sure that in 2 months when she gives me more breadcrumbs that I will not be able to resist. This is insanity...She just keeps hanging me out to dry or I just keep hanging myself out to dry.... So here I am covered in vomet and feeling sorry for myself trying to start my healing again.... This whole process is way harded than I could ever imagine...If my penis was only half the size of my ego I might have a chance... Sorry fellow LS ers.........
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