theizz Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I've never been in this situation before, but I've been dating a girl for a short time that I really liked. Emotionally, it was the best connection I've made with a girl in several years. But then when things got physical I found out I wasn't attracted to her enough, and it felt like empty sex with little desire. I ended up breaking it off with her, but now I feel bad for hurting her, and like I'm a shallow prick. I wish I was attracted to her, or that I didn't care about the sexual side of a relationship, but its a part of who I am. I guess I'm not used to letting people down either. How do people do it? And am I wrong to give up such a great emotional connection for that reason?
InspiredbyYou Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 What was it that turned you off? Could you not see what she was like before you had sex or what it the sex itself? Sorry if my questions are too personal just trying to understand this situation.
littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 You're not wrong. Check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love According to psychologist Robert Steinberg, in order to have real love, you need to have commitment, intimacy, and passion. Your relationship with this girl obviously lacked the passion. If you never felt an attraction to her to begin with, it sounds like you two would be better off as friends. I know it's hard to hurt someone, but you can't help the way you feel.
Author theizz Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 What was it that turned you off? Could you not see what she was like before you had sex or what it the sex itself? Sorry if my questions are too personal just trying to understand this situation. I'm a slim guy and I'm attracted to girls who have a slim tight body, which she didn't. She wasn't like horribly fat or anything, but just not small enough for me to be really aroused by her (I hate saying that because I feel like such an ass). Anyway I guess I must have known that ahead of time, but I just kind of ignored it because I liked her so much. Then once we got physical I knew it was a problem for me.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I'm a slim guy and I'm attracted to girls who have a slim tight body, which she didn't. She wasn't like horribly fat or anything, but just not small enough for me to be really aroused by her (I hate saying that because I feel like such an ass). Anyway I guess I must have known that ahead of time, but I just kind of ignored it because I liked her so much. Then once we got physical I knew it was a problem for me. Ok thanks for your honesty. Look you cannot help what you are attracted to your body either responds to someone sexually or it doesn't. Unfortunately in this case it did not. It happens. I know you feel bad it sounds like are a decent guy and don't like to hurt others, but if it is any consolation you did the correct thing. No point in continuing knowing you were feeling this way. It's unfortunate but leading her on would have been way worse. Hope you were not too harsh in cutting her off.
Author theizz Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Ok thanks for your honesty. Look you cannot help what you are attracted to your body either responds to someone sexually or it doesn't. Unfortunately in this case it did not. It happens. I know you feel bad it sounds like are a decent guy and don't like to hurt others, but if it is any consolation you did the correct thing. No point in continuing knowing you were feeling this way. It's unfortunate but leading her on would have been way worse. Hope you were not too harsh in cutting her off. Thanks, I guess you're right. I actually am depressed over it though. Do other people feel like this? I tried to be as nice to her as possible when I cut her off and told her she's a great person and that I liked spending time with her. I guess not much else I could have done. It would have definitely lead to problems later.
littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 If it makes you feel better, I had to do something to a guy I dated a few years ago. We were seeing each other for about a month. We had so much in common and really clicked on an intellectual level. But when it came down to business, I just wasn't very attracted to him. It's not that he wasn't good looking, there just wasn't the right chemistry. We only dated for a short period of time, but it was really hard ending things with him. I felt like such a jerk, because he was so sweet. I think he was pretty hurt. We lost contact, but reconnected a few years ago. There are no hard feelings and we're friends. I even find him more attractive now, but we live on other sides of the country, so I wouldn't consider dating him at this point. These things happen. When you really find the right person for you, there will be nothing about who she is that you'll want to change. I know it doesn't feel very good, but try to take away something positive from this, and learn something about yourself.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Thanks, I guess you're right. I actually am depressed over it though. Do other people feel like this? I tried to be as nice to her as possible when I cut her off and told her she's a great person and that I liked spending time with her. I guess not much else I could have done. It would have definitely lead to problems later. Sure people who have a heart and soul do feel like this. It is totally understandable that it does not sit right you did have an emotional connection with this girl.
temple Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I was in a similar situation. Emotional but no physical connection. Unlike you, I decided to hold out for a bit - I thought that the physical connection would come in time, that I shouldn't be so superficial. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. It never came. So I ended up hurting him far more than if I had done what you did and broken it off in the early stages. So believe me, you have done the right thing, and you have saved her a whole lot of heartache. You cannot deny your own happiness, and now she is able to find someone who really does love her.
make me believe Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Sex and physical chemistry are important in a relationship. I would never settled for somebody I wasn't physically attracted to! Doing so would be a recipe for disaster. You definitely did the right thing, and as long as you weren't mean to her about it ("you're a little too heavy for me, sorry!") then you shouldn't feel bad.
bac Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I personally feel that the more intellectual/emotional connection with a guy, the less my sexual desire for him. It is like my brain can not handle two different states of mind simultaneously. In other words, when I focus on the intellectual/emotional part of a person, I get detouched from sexual feelings/thoughts.
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