threebyfate Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 littlebittle, I'm going to throw out a generalization. Some exes get territorial. They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you. I call this Ego-speak. Keep talking about your current man. It will bring things to a head.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I wouldn't date a girl who her best friend was her ex. That's a massive red flag to me. I would be hesitant to date a girl whose best friend is a guy period. Guy friends are fine, but a straight guy as your best friend but not dating is a danger sign to me. I don't like my little heart stomped all over, and that's a great situation for that to happen . One of my other best friends is an ex who I dated years ago. I've dated other guys since we broke up, it's never been an issue.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) littlebittle, I'm going to throw out a generalization. Some exes get territorial. They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you. I call this Ego-speak. Keep talking about your current man. It will bring things to a head. Yeah, I think I just need to start talking about the new guy more. Not to be mean or spiteful, but if my ex and I really are "best friends" (as he states constantly), we should be able to talk about this guy from time to time and it shouldn't be so unpleasant or awkward. Not even the gory details or whatever. But if my ex asks me what my plans are for the weekend, I shouldn't feel uncomfortable saying that I'm spending time with new guy, and I shouldn't get a sarcastic response from my ex. Edited December 28, 2009 by littlebittle
threebyfate Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Yeah, I think I just need to start talking about the new guy more. Not to be mean or spiteful, but if my ex and I really are "best friends" (as he states constantly), we should be able to talk about this guy from time to time and it shouldn't be so unpleasant or awkward.Yup, that's what you want to do. Get it out into the open. If he's truly your friend without another agenda, he's going to have to accept your new man too. The alternative to the territorialism, is that when someone has broken up and haven't found anyone better, they fall back onto prior relationships, for the ego stroke. As you can tell, I have zero sympathy for ego issues in exes, for all kinds of reasons. I do have compassion for hurt and caring pain. Bring this to a head, so you can find out what his real issues are.
brokenglass Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I'm trying to figure out how to move forward from here as friends, while dating someone else. You see, everyone here is trying to tell you that you can't and you shouldn't. You won't let go. It's not fair to anyone new that you date that you feel this way. If I were the new guy I'd drop you like a bad habit. Nothing against you personally, that's just how I roll. I dated a girl briefly for a few weeks back during the summer and all she talked about was hanging out with her ex and how good friends they were. You think I wanted to hear that ****? No. You think the new girls I date want to hear about me hanging with any of my ex's? No. Move on and get over it. Whomever said that this guy isn't your friend is telling you the truth. He's being bitter and doesn't want to see you happy.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 You see, everyone here is trying to tell you that you can't and you shouldn't. You won't let go. It's not fair to anyone new that you date that you feel this way. If I were the new guy I'd drop you like a bad habit. Nothing against you personally, that's just how I roll. I dated a girl briefly for a few weeks back during the summer and all she talked about was hanging out with her ex and how good friends they were. You think I wanted to hear that ****? No. You think the new girls I date want to hear about me hanging with any of my ex's? No. Move on and get over it. Whomever said that this guy isn't your friend is telling you the truth. He's being bitter and doesn't want to see you happy. I rarely talk about my ex to the new guy. Why would I? He knows that we're friends and he is friends with his ex. When I am with the new guy, I'm happy. I don't think about anyone else. I love being around him and my feelings for him are only getting stronger. The reason why I am concerned here is because I don't want my new guy to feel hurt in any way. If that means I can't be friends with my ex anymore, then so be it. My ex is a good guy, he's a very open and communicative person, and one of the most upbeat people I've ever met. I cannot be around bitter people, and he is definitely not bitter. I also know that my happiness means very much to him, but he is only human and obviously not having an easy time with all of this. I'm an honest person, almost to a fault. If I didn't want to be with this new guy, or if I wanted to be with someone other than him, I would put a stop to things. I like him and I feel really good about where we are going. I'm a super conscientious person and I would not step all over someone's feelings. It has happened to me before and I know how much it hurts. I am trying to work through this situation without causing anyone pain.
sagetalk Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I rarely talk about my ex to the new guy. Why would I? He knows that we're friends and he is friends with his ex. My ex is a good guy, he's a very open and communicative person, and one of the most upbeat people I've ever met. I cannot be around bitter people, and he is definitely not bitter. I also know that my happiness means very much to him, but he is only human and obviously not having an easy time with all of this. I'm an honest person, almost to a fault. Is he "best friends" with his ex though or is he just fiends, that's a HUGE difference. Your best friend should be a girlfriend, grandmother, brother, sister, mom, aunt, uncle, dad, cousin, not your ex boyfriend. A friend, yes, fine, but best friend is a major red flag. You say you're honest, then be honest with yourself. How can someone be your ex and your best friend, but there is no thought in your head that you'll ever get back together. To me, that's impossible. The minute I hear a girl's best friend is her ex, I would break up with her. Not breaking up with her is a ticket to heart break hotel when she tells you she had sex with her ex, he's so different now, and now they are getting back together. Lame .
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Is he "best friends" with his ex though or is he just fiends, that's a HUGE difference. Your best friend should be a girlfriend, grandmother, brother, sister, mom, aunt, uncle, dad, cousin, not your ex boyfriend. A friend, yes, fine, but best friend is a major red flag. You say you're honest, then be honest with yourself. How can someone be your ex and your best friend, but there is no thought in your head that you'll ever get back together. To me, that's impossible. The minute I hear a girl's best friend is her ex, I would break up with her. Not breaking up with her is a ticket to heart break hotel when she tells you she had sex with her ex, he's so different now, and now they are getting back together. Lame . Speak for yourself. My best friend for years was my ex-boyfriend. We dated for two years, but a romantic relationship was ultimately not in the cards. We were best friends for longer than we ever dated. We're still super close. In fact, I was in his wedding this summer. I have always had straight male friends. My roommate is a straight male. I guess it's not for everyone, but it works for me. I also have plenty of close female friends. I'm sorry it's such an issue for you, but it's not something that I'm worried about for myself. Also, I've never cheated on anyone, ever. I think it's about the lowest thing a person can do. I would never put myself in that position. Once I am committed to someone, I am extremely loyal. Regardless of the situation, if I make the decision to be with someone, I am serious about being monogamous.
sagetalk Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Speak for yourself. My best friend for years was my ex-boyfriend. Also, I've never cheated on anyone, ever. I think it's about the lowest thing a person can do. I would never put myself in that position. Once I am committed to someone, I am extremely loyal. Regardless of the situation, if I make the decision to be with someone, I am serious about being monogamous. I'm glad you've never cheated, that is honorable and highly valued. However, most girls are not like you if they have ex's as their best friend. Having an ex as a best friend is a potential time bomb for the person you are dating, but I'm sure it's a blast for you. If the person you're dating is ok with it (and are telling the truth, which would shock me), then it's fine. But as for me, I'd be hittin' the road . If you break up with them to get back with your ex, that is not cheating but it still hurts them like heck.
callingyouuu Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Yeah, I think I just need to start talking about the new guy more. Not to be mean or spiteful, but if my ex and I really are "best friends" (as he states constantly), we should be able to talk about this guy from time to time and it shouldn't be so unpleasant or awkward. Not even the gory details or whatever. But if my ex asks me what my plans are for the weekend, I shouldn't feel uncomfortable saying that I'm spending time with new guy, and I shouldn't get a sarcastic response from my ex. I actually think doing this would be really insensitive to your ex, like to the point where if I were him, I wouldn't want to be friends anymore. For him, I don't think it's as much an ego issue as just him having difficulty moving on (as indicated by his lack of dating and the fact that you had a pretty clean, friendly breakup). He's made it pretty clear that he's not ready to talk about you having a new person in your life yet, and I think that if you want to maintain any sort of friendship, you need to respect that. I'm not saying that you should pretend that the new guy doesn't exist! By all means, if he asks what you're up to, you have every right to say you're hanging out with the new guy. I just think it's really insensitive for you to be the one to bring the new guy up when you know that it bothers your ex in the first place.
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