littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 My ex-boyfriend is now my best friend. We dated for like 4 months and broke up 3 months ago. He broke up with me. It wasn't a bad or angry break up at all, just sad for both of us. We took some time out from speaking, and then started hanging out again. At this point we talk everyday and hang out every few days. I still have feelings for him, but I also consider him my closest friend. I have never been closer to anyone in my life than I am to him (I'm 28, I have quite a few close friends and I have been in 3 other LTR's). We tell each other everything and I feel like he understands me better than anyone I've ever met. Anyway. I have been trying to move on and date other people. Sort of out of the blue, I met a great guy. I wasn't expecting to really hit it off with anyone so soon after the break up, but this guy and I get along so well. We have so much in common, he's kind and funny and sort of weird. I really like hanging out with him. He recently told me that he is starting to have strong feelings for me, and I'm excited. Although I am taking things slowly, I feel the same way. I was talking to my ex two weeks ago and he brought up dating. He said that it might be hard if one of us started dating someone else. I assumed he meant it would be hard for me (since I got dumped, and he has told me he doesn't have romantic feelings for me), so I went ahead and told him about new guy. He seemed really happy for me at first, but since then, things have been weird. I tried talking about my new guy to my ex a few times, but whenever I did, he would say something sarcastic, change the subject, or refer to him as "what's-his-face". This went on long enough that I got the hint that my ex doesn't want to hear about new guy. But why should he care? He's the one who dumped me. Is he jealous or what? Things are getting more serious with new guy, and my ex and I just continue talking and hanging out the way we always do. But my ex acts like the new guy doesn't even exist. Despite the fact that we talk everyday, I no longer feel comfortable mentioning the new guy, and my ex never asks about him (he's usually super curious about everything going on in my life). It just seems weird. I don't want to stop being friends with my ex, but i feel like something will have to change. I feel like this is going in a bad direction. Thoughts? Insight?
edward-e Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 well this happened to me, except i was your ex. it wasnt so much that i didnt wanna hear about the new guy but more after she started dating "new guy" it kinda clicked that she was moving on and i was still in love with her even though i knew that i couldnt be with her because things werent working out. maybe he feels the same, eventually i had to just tell her i didnt wanna talk anymore because i couldnt be her friend still having feelings for her at all.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Why did you guys break up? My ex and I had a pretty great thing going (no fighting, always have fun, same goals and values, same sense of humor, so much in common, great sex, a very deep connection), but everything just fell apart when we had our first real bump as a couple. We had our first rough patch when he started a stressful new job and I lost my old job at the same time. I was distant from him for a week or so, and he interpreted that as impending relationship doom. When he broke up with me, he said that he felt that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship (he had been dumped hardcore a year and a half earlier by his first and only gf of 5 years). He later said that he was suddenly no longer attracted to me (which, coincidentally, is what his ex told him when she dumped him). But whatever the case, he has said many times that he doesn't want to be with me. If he really wanted to be with me, wouldn't he say so? The thing is, I feel like he could be someone very very special. I've never wanted to get married and I've never really imagined being with one person forever. But with him, I can see it so clearly. I really do like this new guy, and if my ex doesn't want me, I have to move on. And once I get serious with the new guy, there won't be any turning back. I just feel like this might get kinda dicey.
edward-e Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 our relationship was exactly the same way. we never fought, always had a great time, talked about everything, great sex, same sense of humor and really good connection...enough to where i knew what she was gunna say before shed say it. well she went through a lot after she got her bachelors degree, couldnt get a better job then the one she had for like 8 months after. so she was always drinking and i was always "taking" care of her. well things just kinda went bad because she kept drinking and saying horrible things and im not willing to take that even if its when shes drunk. so i broke up with her, even though i still cared about her... i know she kinda felt the same way about me, said she didnt wanna get married but after we got together she was all about it. saying she wanted to spend "forever" together. i never told her that i still loved her, because i didnt wanna be with her. then we started talking again and i was really feeling like i might and she started dating new guy and i felt like i should just pull away, then i finally realized that i needed to just stop talking to her all together cuz those feelings dont go away when they are that deep. not saying he wants that just saying thats how it was for me...
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Aw, I'm sorry to hear about all of that. The drinking thing sounds really hard. I really hope my ex won't stop talking to me. It was hard enough that he broke up with me, if he didn't want to talk to me anymore, I would be so sad and hurt. I think our relationship was the opposite of yours in some ways. My ex has some mental health issues, and I'm pretty much his support system. I'm not exactly perfect either, we really kind of take care of each other. I really just think he doesn't know what he wants. I know I have to move forward now, no matter what. I just don't want anyone to get hurt
edward-e Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 yeah it was really hard to just let go cuz she really was my best friend. so i know what youre going through. if you are planning on moving forward then you should just move forward, it doesnt matter what hes upset. if he does get upset cuz he still loves you or cares then he should come to you and tell you. until then i say move forward. itll be hard at first but itll get easier.
SoulSearch_CO Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 My take would be that it's a shot to his ego - knowing that you could move on after him (and so soon). Especially that you moved on FIRST and you were the dumpee.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 My take would be that it's a shot to his ego - knowing that you could move on after him (and so soon). Especially that you moved on FIRST and you were the dumpee. I would normally tend to agree, but he's a really sweet humble person. He's not much about ego, and from the start he has been super protective of me and always wanting what's best for me. Our breakup was just as hard for him as it was for me. He doesn't really seem to be looking to date someone new, either. I don't know.
edward-e Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 i didnt date for 7 months after we broke up. i think he might feel the way i did.
Bejita463 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I've been friends with most of my exes after the fact, or at least friendly. I don't want to hear about their new relationships, nor do I want to discuss mine with them. It isn't jealousy, it is just not a topic that I feel comfortable speaking about with an ex. Could I discuss relationships or sex lives with an ex? Sure. We'd probably understand where each other is coming from really well too. That however, is not a mindset I can have when speaking to an ex, because it gets me thinking about the relationship I used to share with said ex. That is not necessarily negative, but I do not particularly enjoy dwelling on the past. Course, your ex-guy seems to be taking it to another level. He may feel the same way, but it smells more of jealousy to me.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 were/are you still having sex with the ex after the breakup?
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 were/are you still having sex with the ex after the breakup? Not at all. When we first broke up, he wanted to continue sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, and even kissing, but that lasted about 5 days before I pointed out that it was too weird and confusing. That was the extent of the physical affection after we broke up. Now when we hang out there is very little physical contact, aside from hugging hello and goodbye.
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I think that subconsciously or consciously you were his back burner girl and since you moved on it pissed him off that he lost that. Even though he broke up with you he still regarded you as a standby if he wasn't able to fill your shoes. He isn't your friend...
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I've been friends with most of my exes after the fact, or at least friendly. I don't want to hear about their new relationships, nor do I want to discuss mine with them. It isn't jealousy, it is just not a topic that I feel comfortable speaking about with an ex. Could I discuss relationships or sex lives with an ex? Sure. We'd probably understand where each other is coming from really well too. That however, is not a mindset I can have when speaking to an ex, because it gets me thinking about the relationship I used to share with said ex. That is not necessarily negative, but I do not particularly enjoy dwelling on the past. Course, your ex-guy seems to be taking it to another level. He may feel the same way, but it smells more of jealousy to me. Yeah, I'm also friends with pretty much all of my exes. And although I don't necessarily LOVE to hear about new relationships they're in (especially anyone who dumped me), I can listen to them and feel happy for them. I don't know if it's jealousy. My ex has been really hard on himself for initiating our breakup, and even now he will still ask me how I'm doing, and he will tell me that he feels sad about the whole thing. I feel like he just can't do a relationship with me, but he seems really invested in my happiness, and has encouraged me to date others in the past. That's part of the reason why it's so surprising and frustrating that he has been so cold about everything with the new guy. I thought t was what he'd want for me.
make me believe Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I was in a similar situation recently. My ex and I were together for 3 years and broke up mutually a year ago. We've been close friends ever since, talk everyday, and hang out a couple times a week. When I started dating my current boyfriend (about 4 months ago, so my ex and I had been broken up for a good 8 months), my ex was weird when I would talk about him and seemed kinda jealous. I think that is normal. It's weird to see somebody that you had a relationship with move on and begin a new relationship. Now it's been a few months but we still don't really talk about my new bf very much. I'm ok with that!! My ex occasionally asks about my bf, but I get a little uncomfortable going into too much detail with him. The main problem I see with your situation is that you said you still have feelings for your ex, and I think that is making you overthink this situation. Why does it bother you if he doesn't ask about your new guy? I prefer for my ex not to ask too much about mine! Although I guess if it's to the point where you feel uncomfortable even mentioning him then maybe you could ask your ex what the problem is, and tell him that he's making you feel weird. But if you still have feelings for your ex, maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with him at all because it sounds like you haven't REALLY moved on from him, and that's not fair to your new guy. I don't have ANY feelings for my ex, and wouldn't be ok with being "friends" with him if I did.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I think that subconsciously or consciously you were his back burner girl and since you moved on it pissed him off that he lost that. Even though he broke up with you he still regarded you as a standby if he wasn't able to fill your shoes. He isn't your friend... Eh, I doubt that. We had a pretty solid thing going from our first date forward. From that point on, we spoke and hung out frequently, and only 3 weeks in he started referring to me as his girlfriend. It was clear to me, our mutual friends, and everyone we met that he was crazy about me, and I felt the same way. He's also not the type of person who would get involved with someone if he didn't feel strongly. He's a very intense person and he is very guarded and private with all of our other friends, so I don't see him as someone who would just be messing around for 4 months out of boredom or whatever reason someone would have a "back burner girl". Aside from that, after we broke up, he was very adamant that he couldn't be with me again anytime soon. He made a comment about not wanting to date anyone for a long time, but if he could date someone it would be me. I thought that was sort of a bs thing to say at the time, but he continues to remain single and he seems very uninterested in dating. His medication makes his libido kind of low, and that may be part of it. But one of my best friends is his male roommate, and he tells me everything (whether I want to know or not, and regardless of how hurt my feelings might be), and he has mentioned before that my ex isn't dating, and he has really just immersed himself in work and writing.
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 The main problem I see with your situation is that you said you still have feelings for your ex, and I think that is making you overthink this situation. Why does it bother you if he doesn't ask about your new guy? I prefer for my ex not to ask too much about mine! Although I guess if it's to the point where you feel uncomfortable even mentioning him then maybe you could ask your ex what the problem is, and tell him that he's making you feel weird. But if you still have feelings for your ex, maybe you shouldn't be hanging out with him at all because it sounds like you haven't REALLY moved on from him, and that's not fair to your new guy. I don't have ANY feelings for my ex, and wouldn't be ok with being "friends" with him if I did. I know, this is what I struggle with! I do still have feelings for my ex, and there have been many times where I wanted to distance myself from him, but it's so hard. As I said when I initially started this thread, no one has ever understood me like my ex. I can talk to him about everything, and he gives me the emotional support that no one has ever really been able to. Not that I'm some overly emotional drama queen, but he really seems to understand my feelings better than anyone. Aside from that, he is absolutely the most intelligent person I know, and although I hate comparing him to my other friends, being around him is intellectually challenging and stimulating on a whole other level. I'm 28, and I've gone my entire life just feeling like I can't connect with other people, so meeting this guy has been a big deal for me. Even when we dated, as strong as my feelings for him as my boyfriend were, my friendship feelings were just as strong. The thing that bothers me the most about the situation is that it seems unhealthy that my ex doesn't even acknowledge the new guy in any way. It feels uncomfortable and unfair to the new guy. Before we stopped talking about new guy altogether, I had mentioned to my ex that I might invite him to a party that mutual friends were throwing. My ex discouraged it and that was the end it. The new guy knows I still talk to my ex, and he's cool with it, but I feel like it's not good that my ex and I talk as much as we do and there is never any mention of another person in my life. And when I do talk about it, I'm met with sarcasm and sort of rude remarks. It just seems like that wouldn't end well. I don't know, I guess maybe I really just shouldn't be friends with my ex anymore.
sunshinegirl Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 It may be wise for you to put some distance into your friendship with your ex. I had an ex like that once - best guy I had ever dated, understood me better than anyone else, we clicked, could spend hours talking about anything and everything, there was chemistry, etc. We broke up because of incompatible faith backgrounds; we realized it wouldn't work long-term. We stayed friends, though, and continued to spend a lot of time together. This was bad, however, in that I wasn't really moving on as long as we were still hanging out. So I had to stop spending time with him, had to stop moping and dwelling on what if's and why not's. We were out of contact for several months, which allowed me to get over him and simply appreciate what we had had, and help me avoid settling for less than the kind of connection we had shared. And as of October, I have been dating a truly wonderful guy who is an even better fit for me than the ex was. So, to circle back to your situation, if you have really met a great new guy, I would suggest you focus all your energy on the new guy and perhaps dial back on the amount of time you spend with the ex. If you are truly friends, then you will be able to reconnect as such further down the road. Don't be afraid to let a few months pass without contact- my ex and I went a whole year without contact, and we are back to being friends.
stevejohnson1976 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I think that subconsciously or consciously you were his back burner girl and since you moved on it pissed him off that he lost that. Even though he broke up with you he still regarded you as a standby if he wasn't able to fill your shoes. He isn't your friend... ding ding ding ding we have a winner!
Author littlebittle Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) ding ding ding ding we have a winner! No. I've seen it happen, but not here. But anyway, regardless of why we stopped dating, that's not what I'm focused on. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward from here as friends, while dating someone else. Edited December 28, 2009 by littlebittle
sumdude Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 No. I've seen it happen, but not here. But anyway, regardless of why we stopped dating, that's not what I'm focused on. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward from here as friends, while dating someone else. For the moment... you can't be friends with your ex. Some time in the future, months or longer. When he's in his next relationship too then maybe. Take a break from him and let him know why. He doesn't want to hear about your new BF, he doesn't want the visuals in his head of what the two of you do in private. Doesn't want to be replaced even if he ended the relationship. It's a real challenge to go from lovers to just friends.
sagetalk Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I wouldn't date a girl who her best friend was her ex. That's a massive red flag to me. I would be hesitant to date a girl whose best friend is a guy period. Guy friends are fine, but a straight guy as your best friend but not dating is a danger sign to me. I don't like my little heart stomped all over, and that's a great situation for that to happen .
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I wouldn't date a girl who her best friend was her ex. That's a massive red flag to me. I would be hesitant to date a girl whose best friend is a guy period. Guy friends are fine, but a straight guy as your best friend but not dating is a danger sign to me. I don't like my little heart stomped all over, and that's a great situation for that to happen . I agree ST.. Sometimes I like to refer to When Harry met Sally in these types of situations because it is soooo true. Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally:Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
Bejita463 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I had an ex like that once - best guy I had ever dated, understood me better than anyone else, we clicked, could spend hours talking about anything and everything, there was chemistry, etc. We broke up because of incompatible faith backgrounds; we realized it wouldn't work long-term. That faith could spoil something like what you've described there literally horrifies me.
sunshinegirl Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 That faith could spoil something like what you've described there literally horrifies me. Ha - well, long story, but at the time we couldn't figure out how to bridge the atheist/believer divide. I'm in a different place now, but I can't say I ultimately regret how things went down with the ex. Like I said, I'm with someone now who rocks my world and is an even better fit for me than the ex was: I have everything I described with the ex with my bf now, and then some.
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