I called it "over" with an email...lack of courtesy on my side?

[phineas]

I think it's funny how he didn't have time to call her until she dumped him.

Then she received a phone call & a text in consecutive order.

 

Probably a new record when it came to him making contact.

 

The old record was twice in 48 hrs I think I read.

[meerkat stew]

Meerkat, he called her afterwards and she didn't pick up the phone. He then sent her a text and she erased it. How is that vindictive? She's not trying to get back with him, she's done.

 

She was sending him a text one day and he was responding the next day. Are you telling me someone is that busy with work to wait 24 to give a smiple, "I'm doing good response".

 

I think things could've been handled differently in that Desi should've called him out on his BS earlier. The way he handled things, he knows he screwed up...but he's not calling her 50 times to apologize now is he?

 

What was typed in the OP leads me to believe that she did things the way she did to get a reaction. I could certainly be mistaken. If she did it to get a reaction, ignoring him when she got the reaction she wanted is wrong IMO.

 

As far as not texting, there are lots of people in the world who don't consider a mere text as an obligation to engage in a conversation. After all the crazy texters I've dated during the last 3 years, I sure don't. If they want to talk to me they can call, and vice versa.

 

Texting IMO is one of those techs that causes much more troubles than it solves.

[Desi]

Meerkat Stew - You are on your right to stand for your opinion, when you say it was wrong to do it by email and such, like I said before sometimes ppl are in their worse emotional moment and you just react to try to get out of a trap.. is how I felt.

 

1.Now to reply your questions, YES we did have an exclusivity talk and he said we were dating, I was his one and only date and he said I am important to him and that he is trying to builld something with me.. now please tell me if my "high exectations are out of line" specially when high expectation are simplyu just hearing from that person . Like I said I dont want him to text me 1000 times a day and if text isnt your way of communication then there has to be one way to show that person you care right ...?

 

2. We had this conversation twice and twice he left me hanging because he had to get back to work.. it becomes frustrating. This is why I dont believe it was coward because I did FACE the situation twice and tried to reach an agreement but he always won with the "Im busy line learn to be independent " line

 

3. I didnt do that to get a reaction from him, thus I didnt pick up my phone or respond to his text... I clearly said in the beginning of my thread that I dont regret my dumping him but was secong guessing myself in the way I approach it.

I want different things for myself and therefore I dont gain anything talking to him again , dont want him back , thus the reason I didnt respond..

 

 

I just find it really frustrating how when it comes to dating, if you come to think of the relationships that have worked out for you, the basic thiings like communicating with that person as much as you could, expecting a response on the other side and receiving it.. in a healthy way ( not like calling 5 times day) , hanging out and getting to know each other.. all this forms of early dating are things that are just there.

 

When you have to ask for one of this things, then we are viewed as clingy and needy...no hunny I didnt ask you to call me three times a day or date me 4 days a week.. I just said if you sent me a text and I ask you a question please reply at least within 10 hours...This is when you know something is not right.

 

PLUS not to forget that I was going to do it in person.. but he cancelled on me.

[Pink Cupcakes]

He probably said that he was dating you and you were important to him so you would keep sleeping with him those rare times when he did get around to seeing you because everything else in his life was more important.

Actions speak louder than words, and his actions weren't of a man who was into you.

[meerkat stew]

He didn't do anything "bad" to you other than not be as communicative or committed as you would have liked. When two people agree to date exclusively, for one person to just end the relationship via Email without just cause (cheating, lying, abuse, etc.), and especially without giving the other person the chance to actually -talk- to them about it is wrong and cruel, everything else is just noise. You are right to question what you did here as it was wrong. I have no doubt that were genders reversed in this thread the tenor of the replies would be much much different.

[D-Lish]

I have no doubt that were genders reversed in this thread the tenor of the replies would be much much different.

 

I don't believe that to be true.

I honestly think people are simply sympathizing with a story that is all too familiar.

 

As I said before, this guy didn't exactly demonstrate much of an investment in the relationship. To cancel the way he did under fishy cirucmstances, in conjunction with his lack of enthusiasm- I don't think I'd give him a courtesy call either.

[EYECANDY000]

I think everyone deserves closure. Although I understand why you didnt pick up the phone, nut I think after you collected yourself you should have called back and let him say what he needed to say and vice versa. Im sure there is some things that you wan to clear up with him, hint. the mentioning your trip...

[Okeydokey]

E-mail was fine. If it felt like the best option at the moment to give you closure, then you did the right thing. Breaking-up is always messy. There are fads in these things - used to be that the phone break-up was weak. Now, everyone is clamoring in favor of it. Phone and in-person lead to discussions and if you were worried that you'd get sucked back in by his charm then the no discussion e-mail was the way to go. But you have to stick to your guns and proceed to No Contact protocol.

 

His text about the e-mail sucking was just him lashing out and expressing his anger about having been dumped. If it had been in person or on the phone he would have been angry about something else (eg. if you wanted to talk more well why didn't you call me more?).

 

If you guys had a good enough connection before then you will stay friends. If not, then you won't. The medium for this part won't be the make or break reason for a failed friendship in the future.

 

No Contact until you don't care anymore - really don't care.

[Desi]

See he is the type of guy with an ego as big as this world... HUGE. He is succesful in every aspect of his life, brilliant career, masters, plus many other accreditations, owns a condo downtown, belongs to the best clubs in the city, travels a lot, and he just happens to be able to pick up any girl he wants with his charm, I perceived this because when he used to tell me about past sstories it was always him dumping girls and just picking up someone new the very next day... I mean in part is girls fault for putting up with behaviour like this, all Im saying is that many of us feel empotionally week and feel ok with getting strung along as long as this gorgeous guy dates me once here and there.. or that is the way he made it seem.. oh I left this girl because she was so needy, and this other girl needy all this support.. so that also makes me think... hmmm maybe that is just his style or plainly he just didnt care about me.

 

That being said, this is my challenge now, just stick to my decision and not give in , coz mark my word he will be calling me, because his ego is not content but I have to just ignore it, trust me at this point there is nothing good he can possibly tell me... he has already shown me..and I wasnt happy.

[meerkat stew]

He is succesful in every aspect of his life, brilliant career, masters, plus many other accreditations, owns a condo downtown, belongs to the best clubs in the city, travels a lot, and he just happens to be able to pick up any girl he wants with his charm,

 

Good, then he has probably moved on to someone who will treat him with the basic human respect and courtesy he deserves. There is no evidence anywhere in this thread that this guy treated you poorly he was just not as committed as you would have liked at the stage you two were at. That was the heinous sin that earns him being dumped via Email and then ignored. And based on many female and some male responses here, that's just fine. Wow.

 

Guess what, the cream of the crop doesn't have to put up with high-maintenance, unreasonable demands from women at the beginning of a relationship. Like many women, you unreasonably want the trappings of success in a man, yet also want to be showered with attention and have him at your beck and call. Regardless of what the TV and media pump you full of, you can't have it all. There is a price for being with a successful man. If you don't like that price, date down to less successful men with tons of spare time to pass a bong around, text you back and forth all day, and play Xbox before their shift starts at Dominos. Those types will -shower- you with attention because you will literally be all they have going on in life.

 

I've given cheaters, liars and psychos the benefit of a final breakup talk, but guess basic relationship manners have finally just died out completely. The replies in this thread are utterly bizarre.

[Desi]

Wow meerkat..I dont think this thread is agreeing entirely that email is the ultimate best way of breaking up with someone.. I have said many times that even though it wasnt the best way it happend already and that doesnt mean that I go around not treatign people and given them the respect they deserve.....guess what Im entitled to make mistakes and I grow from them. Oncw again I didnt send him an email to seek revenge I just wasnt feeling well. Period.

 

Moving on to the domino pizza boy.. YES i know the wonderful person I am and how much I out into relationships.. so GUESS WHAT? I expect to receive the same amount of affection back if Im on the same page with someone else.

Maybe I have been an extremely lucky girl coz let me tell you that all the men I have dated have been successful, owned business and been very busy in fact I have dated busier ppl than him!!!! and guess what YES they took the time to reply to a damn text and to found ways to let me know im important and likewise received my affection... so danm why would I be with someone who jsut doesnt make me happy and let him set the pace of the relationship when clearly all he thinks about is himself?

You think a couple months is not enough time..? Go find your self a really hot girl /guythat you are dying to get to know who makes you feel amazing and tell me that you are fine completely fine with not hearin from her when you text her good morning...

 

Hell I have a good career too not at dominos pizza and the CEO yes the CEO of my company puts his wife first, who cares if he has to get out of meetings or cancel trips.. his family goes first.

 

Being succesfully trapped in your own career and pushing everyone else away is completely different to having a balanced life and if you do want someone well showe them you do.

 

Guess what? he wasnt showing me so I was at least strong enough to take the pain and move on.

 

And to finish YES i want to feel affection because I dont want to sleep with a guys career I want a man with thiughts and feelings..something he didnt have for me so if he has moved on to some othe girl.. guess what I will move on to someone else who will have the decency to respect my time... dating for two months and beign flaky plus other stuff that I havent mentioned is ok to you? I think media is affecting your views not mine.

 

And no he didnt treat me poorly he was just uncommited.. wonderful news you bring me here.

Edited December 29, 2009 by Desi

[Desi]

So if someone needs an update here it goes..

 

He thought I went on my trip so I didnt hear form him in a week. Then for NYE he texted me happy new years and asked me about my dad and how he was feeling. I responded and that was it. Strange.

Then I actually texted him after two days and I said I just wanted to apologize for the way I know I made him feel when I decided to send him an email instead of a face to face conversation..

To which he responded : "Too late I already found someone else ;)"

You can imagine my face..but 1 minute later he called me and left a voicemail he said that he was joking and that he said that just so I feel for at least one minute what I made him feel for one week and he kept calling me, I wasnt around so I actually called him back at night"

Then we talked, he asked me about my dad and stuff and then we talked about the email...

He seemed to be pretty hurt and confused, he wasnt saying much , he didnt even know where to start but he told me that he has been confused about where that came from and what has happened and then he told me that at times he blames himself for it and that he realizes that I have some expectations that he cant deliver like a "normal bf" woyld because of his busy career and all the things he has on the side and because that is just who is.

But he said he felt hurt because he has actually bought me a present for Christmas, and he mentioned what it was... a bracelet that has pretty much been sold out for weeks now, so I know he bought it before Christmas and he asked me to meet this weekend because he wants us to work things out .

I asked him why he wanted to this and he said becuase I think you are great and I like you , I want to give this a shot but we need to work things out because I dont need this emotional rollercoaster or things to turn dark ugly between us.

Today he texted me to tell me he is sick and joked if I had done a spell on him..

SO far thats it.

 

I don't know what to think anymore, I know he is genuinely busy but maybe I have this idea of a perfect relationship in my head, I don't know if I should give it another shot where I will have to adjust to his lifestyle...but what should his compromise be?

I can't ask him to text me /call me more.. he is just not going to do it.

 

What do you think ?

[DustySaltus]

Then I actually texted him after two days and I said I just wanted to apologize for the way I know I made him feel when I decided to send him an email instead of a face to face conversation..

To which he responded : "Too late I already found someone else ;)"

You can imagine my face..but 1 minute later he called me and left a voicemail he said that he was joking and that he said that just so I feel for at least one minute what I made him feel for one week and he kept calling me

 

It's funny how YOU texted him to apologize and then he responded that he wanted to try and work things out. Why are you apologizing? I thought it was over?

 

Only a guy who is confident that he has you "wrapped around his finger" would send you a text like that. It's very simple, he is re-engaging himself with you just enough to keep you interested. This guy is a PRO. He's doing this with multiple women, i'm telling you...I GUARANTEE it. It sucks, but that's the deal. You are obviously attracted to his charm, "memberships to clubs" and overall lifestyle enough to overlook the obvious...YOU'RE DEALING WITH A PLAYER. If you want to pursue something casual with him by all means do it, but anything more you are making a HUGE mistake.

 

It's funny how YOU texted him to apologize and then he responded that he wanted to try and work things out. Why are you apologizing? I thought it was over?

[meerkat stew]

Whatever, a "player" would -never- have agreed to an exclusive dating arrangement, and he would have her happily involved in a FWB situation by now together with several other women, and would have her convinced that their "open relationship" was the way to go. If this guy was what people refer to as a "player," he is the lousiest one I've ever heard of.

[DustySaltus]

Whatever, a "player" would -never- have agreed to an exclusive dating arrangement, and he would have her happily involved in a FWB situation by now together with several other women, and would have her convinced that their "open relationship" was the way to go. If this guy was what people refer to as a "player," he is the lousiest one I've ever heard of.

 

The definition of a "player" to me is telling a woman what they want or better yet, what they NEED to here to get what you want out of them. There are no rules or ethics involved. Maybe some women would accept a FWB situation, but it seems that she is too smart for that so he had to go a different route. I disagree, i think he knows exactly what he's doing, I just hope she realizes it.

[meerkat stew]

This is a busy, highly successful, handsome man we are talking about here. He is in the top percentage of men by effort, and maybe some by being a natural, not by running game. Players run game to get what they want, naturals don't have to. If this guy is how OP describes him, he has his pick of many women, and if he didn't really care about OP, would probably not be putting any effort into getting her back, but would just add another woman into the harem and continue business as usual.

 

This doesn't mean he will come around and be easy to get for OP, far from it. I'm amazed he is still around at all based on her treatment of him. In fact, I'm done with this thread as OP's update post pretty much confirms that if there is a "player" here, it's her, as she is the one using heavy handed, insincere, rude breakup tactics to get a reaction out of a guy she thinks will be difficult to win otherwise. Her game is fairly transparent.

[Desi]

Meerkat Stew..

Honestly what you are saying sounds right, yes he is a guy that has his stuff together and is aiming for more and YES I do like this guy.

This thread is about the way I expressed my feleings to him not about the way I feel.

If I ever wrote him an email , it wasnt as a tactic becuase guess what, Its easier to sit down and talk about stuff than to hurt the person you like, clearly not my intention.

It wasnt to get a reaction, because obviosly someone is going to be mad at you for not giving them closure, he certainly sounded hurt...

I was confused and let me tell you that when I look back at that moment I didnt plan to talk to him becuase again becuase I was confused and upset I and felt unimportant to him even though we have talked about it before. So I did give him a chance.

 

Now let me tell you that in that week I went through an inmense amount of pain and got to hit the wall, when he made contact I had to give up NC becuase I was burning inside, I thought it would be easier and I could just move on from someone that wasnt making me feel good but I was dying.

The issue was how I did it, not the way our relationship was going , which is there still and is to be figured out an to be worked on like we stated.

 

I dont have to come around and he doesnt have to come around, if we are to give it a shot we need to sit down and discuss things.. see if we can work this out.

 

It wasnt a rude break up tactic, becuase at this point Im still standing at the same point in regards to my feelings and it wasnt incere at all as I have expressed my feelings in writtigng as I did in person twice and he aknockledge it, and when we talk in person I will repeat to him the way I felt.

 

I'm sure our time apart served us for something good and we will see, for me I know what I learnt.

[Pink Cupcakes]

So what has happened? Has he asked you out and set a time? Because the whole bracelet thing and wanting to get together this weekend sounds like a line and it wouldn't shock me one bit if he had to "cancel" at the last minute.

[O'Malley]

The email is a moot point now, and in this circumstance, not a horrendous faux pas. Not surprising that he's making it out to be a big deal, as he wasn't in control of the situation. Perhaps he genuinely does have a hectic schedule (which can't be determined here), but he certainly seems to have enough time to quickly throw you a line whenever you stop showing interest in him.

 

If you are planning to see him again, make sure that your investment matches his -- which isn't saying much. Personally if I was looking for more than a casual date or hookup I'd stop contacting him and put your focus elsewhere.

[Desi]

Hi everyone so I'm back and this is the end of the story..

He kept in touch with me all of last week..

And on Friday he asked to meet on Sat for coffee but I had plans , so he offered to pick me up at home on Sunday and go out instead.

He took me out for lunch, we didnt touch the subject at all, not ackward moments or anything like that, we just talked about regular stuff, laughed a lot etc.

Then we went to a coffee shop and the conversation started by him saying, I wanted to see you because I wanted to talk to you:

 

Him:

"I didnt like what happened before and I know why you feel frustrated, I will be very honesdt with you because I dont think I was being clear before, I dont have the time to get into a relationship, this is my life and my lifestyle meaning that I am very free spirited , I dont like telling people where I am and I dont ask that form you, I have never done it and even though I like you and I look at you, how sexy and smart and funny you are I cant commit and I wont give you commitment, this is all I can offer you and I want you to know that, I know its hard becuase you dont want to get attached, I know the things that a good bf does, I know Im supposed to be spending more time with you, I know im supposed to be calling you more, but I just cant do that becuase I am going to fail you.

Things might change in the future , I dont know its up to you to take that or leave it and Im ready to loose you right now "

 

Me:

 

I apologized for the way I approached the subject about how I was feeling, I couldnt tahnk him enough for being sincere with me but really I would have apprefciated this a few months ago when I wasnt as invested.

I told him that I dont think things will change, I mean is he going to look for a new job and drop all the 1000 things on his plate ?

I just couldnt do it anymore and if he is so not willing to make an effort to the point that he is ready to loose me then I shouldnt invets my time in him , I told him you know what I want and I dont think dating slow will take us somwhere.

Lets just leave it as is for now and in the future if things change and we are meant to cross roads .. then we might get together.

 

He dropped me home and kissed me goodbye then he parked outside and saw me walking to my building then I turned and he blew me a kiss and told me to take care.

 

End of the story.

 

Im feeling sad and happy.

Sad becuase Its not the first time i met a guy that cant commit, is in fact the story of my life just with a differnet name and I need to fix this issue, sad becuase I reallly liked him and look.. the guy that I like is nowhere near as interested in me.

 

Happy because I'm so glad he was sincere and finally broke the news to me, because I dont think he tried to sweet talk me and made things so much clearer to me.

 

I just hope this story serves to many in similar situations of how being HONEST from the get go can save two people sooooo much hassle and how when a guy wants to make it happen he will make it happen , he works for it.

[New_Life08]

I don't think it is a good idea to do this to someone you are deeply involved with for a good period of time. But, you were seeing him for 2 or 3 months? You obviously didn't make his list. He had no consideration for you. He needed a reality check, you gave him one. Good for you!!

 

Sometimes that is all it takes to make someone stop and realize they are spreading themselves too thin.

 

It is always a different story when reality is coming at a person instead of from them.

 

you did the right thing.