I called it "over" with an email...lack of courtesy on my side?

[Desi]

Hello ,

 

For those of you who may have followed me on a previous thread, I was dating thsi guy for about a couple months.

Very strong moments when we were together, but when we were apart he barely called me , always busy, took 1 day to reply to text messages AND Christmas day just was the cherry on top of eveything.

So as I was supposed to go away o a trip for 2 weeks ( didnt go coz of a family emergency) HE called me the day before to ask me to hang out on friday evening because he was spending the morning with his sister... so I said ok fair enough, is a family day we can hang out for a bit later at night.

Christmas day he called me at 5 to tell me that he hasnt heard from his sister ( even though he talked to her the night before) and he was reserving the rest of the night to her in case she calls him back so he couldnt hang out with me anymore. Due to our lack of communciation, he didnt even ask me who I was going with on thsi trip, or anything about my trip, no happy trip, travel safe.. nothing.. ackaward conversation, I started to get agitated and so I told him I had to go we will cath up later.

 

As the hours went by I started feeling so agitated and confused, very.. just remembering all those" Im busy " ,lack of text responses, phone calls and just how fishy he is sometimes like not hearing form your sister on Chritmas day when you talk to her everyday?

 

So...I wrote him an email...short and to the point, basically saying, hey I know we were supposed to meet and wanted to tell you in person that as we have talked before, our lack of communciation and your lack of expressing emotions has changed the way I feel about this and I want to move on.. I want different things for myself, this is over.

 

Five minutes later he called and I didnt pick up because I was sobbing and very hurt and then he sent me a text saying " I respect your decision but at least I deserve a phone call" I erased his text and that was it.

 

I terribly miss him, because I liked him a lot, I don't know if I did the right thing calling it quits and over an email but I couldnt think of anything else, couldnt had done it over the phone as I wasnt doing well and didnt want him to hear me like that.

 

I have never been rude to people.. do you think I did wrong by sending that email? I dont regret my decision but maybe I should have given him a chance to talk...

Edited December 28, 2009 by Desi

[aerogurl87]

I know most people will disagree with me but I see nothing wrong with what you did. If he was too busy to call when you were together, why should you call when you break up? He didn't put effort into the relationship so why should you put effort into giving him closure with the break up? I broke up with this guy over a text once because he was controlling and possessive. I didn't feel the need to call him or do it face to face because I didn't want to face a verbal assault. So I say just dry your eyes and move on.

[JohnnyBlaze]

I'd say yes, you did it the wrong way. Even though he wasn't a good communicator, you just lowered yourself to his level by doing this. You just told him that you didn't respect or care enough about him to even tell him directly.

[Vasto_Lorde]

Hello ,

 

For those of you who may have followed me on a previous thread, I was dating thsi guy for about a couple months.

Very strong moments when we were together, but when we were apart he barely called me , always busy, took 1 day to reply to text messages AND Christmas day just was the cherry on top of eveything.

So as I was supposed to go away o a trip for 2 weeks ( didnt go coz of a family emergency) HE called me the day before to ask me to hang out on friday evening because he was spending the morning with his sister... so I said ok fair enough, is a family day we can hang out for a bit later at night.

Christmas day he called me at 5 to tell me that he hasnt heard from his sister ( even though he talked to her the night before) and he was reserving the rest of the night to her in case she calls him back so he couldnt hang out with me anymore. Due to our lack of communciation, he didnt even ask me who I was going with on thsi trip, or anything about my trip, no happy trip, travel safe.. nothing.. ackaward conversation, I started to get agitated and so I told him I had to go we will cath up later.

 

As the hours went by I started feeling so agitated and confused, very.. just remembering all those" Im busy " ,lack of text responses, phone calls and just how fishy he is sometimes like not hearing form your sister on Chritmas day when you talk to her everyday?

 

So...I wrote him an email...short and to the point, basically saying, hey I know we were supposed to meet and wanted to tell you in person that as we have talked before, our lack of communciation and your lack of expressing emotions has changed the way I feel about this and I want to move on.. I want different things for myself, this is over.

 

Five minutes later he called and I didnt pick up because I was sobbing and very hurt and then he sent me a text saying " I respect your decision but at least I deserve a phone call" I erased his text and that was it.

 

I terribly miss him, because I liked him a lot, I don't know if I did the right thing calling it quits and over an email but I couldnt think of anything else, couldnt had done it over the phone as I wasnt doing well and didnt want him to hear me like that.

 

I have never been rude to people.. do you think I did wrong by sending that email? I dont regret my decision but maybe I should have given him a chance to talk...

Lots of expectations, No?

[kimflute26]

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing, and I disagree with the people who think it was wrong to do it over an email. I believe that people should receive the respect that they deserve. And he deserved to be broken up with through email! I found it hilarious that he called you right away after the break up message when he was so flaky about responding before. I would've done everything exactly as you did it.... Definitely find someone else more worth your time (I know how hard that is to think about right now.... but trust me that person will come).

[DustySaltus]

I agree with Kim. I think the most disturbing thing about all this is the fact that he called you 5 minutes after you sent the text. It really says a lot about his character. I hate to say it but I think that to him you were nothing more than a backup plan. You don't deserve that and were justified in what you did. If I were you though, I wouldn't make a habit of it in the future.

 

Best of Luck.

[trueluV]

What you did was not wrong at all. You put up too much, and haven't got a respect from him. he doesn't deserve you.

i really don't get the part he called you 5 minutes after you sent the email-this shows his selfish character-especially telling you he 'DESERVES' a phone call...

 

i think it was a good decision you made to move on.

maybe you're a bit hurt and sad now but eventually you'll find someone who'll make you happy.

 

good luck!

[sagetalk]

I've had girls break up with me using email. It sucks, there's no other way to say it. He may have had other girls besides you (that's what being unavailable usually means), but that's just a guess. If he wasn't seeing other girls, then this guy got hosed pretty bad. If you felt talking to him would have made you stay with him, then maybe you did the right thing. You're expectation do seem to be high though. At the end of the day, right or wrong, you gotta find someone that makes you happy and you love being with them.

[Desi]

After reading most of the responses, I did it over an email because even though like I said I have never done this before, I didnt think that in this case he deserved anything more, if there was a "relationship" there of any kind.

I concluded the same thing, why would I call him when his best policy was not to call me back because he was busy ( note he works from home), why think he deserves more when he wouldnt reply to many of my messages and always work me around his schedule: "I will take you out for dinner but I only have two hours because I have to get back to work" ..complete lack of interest in my things, and always being vague and reserved about the things we was doing.

For the ones that say I have high expectations, please tell me what is it that I shouldnt be expecting?

If I'm dating someone , I dont mind going slow but there are basic "unspoken things" that take place in my opinion, like if you are interested in someone , you want to know about them , and how they are doing, and its fine if at times you really are busy, but to make that the rule .. how Im I supposed to get to know someone and feel special to them? And its not the fact that he didnt come to see me on Chrsitmas day is just how fishy he is.. im sorry but if you were planning on meeting your sister all thsi time for Chrstimas , you talk to her everyday and then all of a sudden she dessapears on Christmas..?

And he probably called me to tell me that I am supposed to be more patient and out up with his busy schedule becasue he needs an "emotionally independent girl " someone who wouldnt mind not hearing from him in days and who puts up with his busy schedule, he calls it.. taking a risk on my part.

[harmfulsweetz]

Many people will say that it was wrong. Yet, let's put this into perspective here-you were seeing the guy a couple of months, he flaked on you loads and never particularly showed respect for you or your relationship, so why should you be concerned over how you break up with him? At the end of the day, he couldn't be bothered when he had you, so why should you be bothered now? Don't be. The fact that he phoned you straight after says a lot, perhaps that he thought he had you regardless to what he did? If you were seeing the guy a couple of years, then yeah, it's wrong, but couple of months and months in which he has already shown his true colours? No, you made the right move.

[phineas]

Just from the title of the thread I went in thinking you took the cowards route.

 

But after reading the full story it sounds like he was stringing you along.

People THAT busy just don't bother trying to date. Normal people that is.

 

Who schedules a 2 hr dinner date?

To me it's someone way too busy with work or someone who has somewhere else to be.

 

If I feel a woman is stringing me along I just ignore her. I don't even bother telling her to take a hike.

When I have, I had to deal with the aggravation of them getting pissed off when I call them on the crap their pulling.

 

It doesn't even sound like you guys were dateing.

[Crow9726]

I agree with the cowardly part.

 

I have always been opposed to dealing with relationship issues through texting, emails and other non-personal ways to communicate.

 

It shows a great lack of character and a supreme amount of cowardice.

 

Makes me glad I'm not young and having to deal with this new state of things.

[ADF]

Breaking up with someone via email is almost always a mistake. Whatever your intentions, it makes you look cowardly and evasive. It makes it look like you just wanted to make things as easy as possible on yourself and didn't care how the other person felt. Unless you think a person might physically harm you, you should always break up with them face to face.

[b52s]

I agree with the cowardly part.

 

I have always been opposed to dealing with relationship issues through texting, emails and other non-personal ways to communicate.

 

It shows a great lack of character and a supreme amount of cowardice.

 

Makes me glad I'm not young and having to deal with this new state of things.

 

 

Yeah, esp when it comes to mere dating.....funny, a woman will agree to meet with you for a date somewhere...but will TEXT you to say she can't make it....beacuse she doesn't have the nerve to call you to cancel..probably because she deosn't want to have to give you an excuse when you ask why or something.

[trueluV]

If I'm dating someone , I dont mind going slow but there are basic "unspoken things" that take place in my opinion, like if you are interested in someone , you want to know about them , and how they are doing, and its fine if at times you really are busy, but to make that the rule .. how Im I supposed to get to know someone and feel special to them?

 

I totally hear you.

 

yes, going slow is not a big deal as long as the guy shows interest and respect to you, and if you see his sincerity.

and in your case i don't see that, and you've done a good job by calling it quits from your side-doesn't matter if it was an email, he doesn't deserve more from you. from your post you seem like a thoughtful person, and i believe nice people like you deserve something better.

 

I'm in a bit similar situation with you-

I've been dating this guy since last summer and he is a very busy guy working almost 7 days a week in the office.

we've been on 6 dates, he pays all the time, have intense conversations, i went over to his place cooked a few times, and though it's unusually slow (no physical contact other than a hello/good night hug) i thought he is/was interested in me. He seemed really sincere and honest.

and last week when we had dinner we talked about getting together sometime during holidays (not necessarily christmas), he seemed happy about the idea, so i emailed him the next day, and i haven't heard from him since!

so, at this point, i'm thinking to take the same approach as you-if he emails me back with excuses. I really liked this guy too, so it's going to be a a bit painful to call it quits from my side through email, but you gotta respect yourself too!

[You'reasian]

I agree with Kim. I think the most disturbing thing about all this is the fact that he called you 5 minutes after you sent the text. It really says a lot about his character. I hate to say it but I think that to him you were nothing more than a backup plan. You don't deserve that and were justified in what you did. If I were you though, I wouldn't make a habit of it in the future.

 

Best of Luck.

 

So if a person takes time to call you back after you contact them, they are flaky?

 

What if they are with family or busy with work?

[Vasto_Lorde]

@Desi

 

Sorry for my post earlier. I was being flippant. I think breaking things off via electronic communication is not the ideal way to go but sometimes it just happens. I've been guilty of this in the past so I don't have any grounds to pass judgment here. Whatever the case Desi, you've already done what you've done and it's now time for you to look forward. I think you should take whatever lessons you can from this experience and apply it in the future. Hope that helps.

[Vertex]

Honestly, I would have done this in person. You didn't give him a chance to give his side of things. It sounds like you guys -- when you were together -- didn't communicate well in the first place, so he was probably not totally aware of the extent to which you were dissatisfied.

 

I haven't read the other thread, but I think the way you handled this breakup falls in consistent line with your general lack of communication to begin with. The fact that he called so soon after the Email, though, does imply that he hasn't been prioritizing you previously and is probably quite self-centered (especially if most of his plans are all about him and his schedule). Funny how he replies the moment it's about him instead of you.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound like you guys are a good fit, but it doesn't mean the breakup was handled well. At this point, just learn from the experience and move on.

[DustySaltus]

So if a person takes time to call you back after you contact them, they are flaky?

 

What if they are with family or busy with work?

 

One, maybe two times, I can understand that. Not in this case. The guy is a COMPLETE flake. He wants to be with her when he wants on his terms. He disappears for a while, puts time limits on dates...I mean come on this guy is the posterboy for flakyness.

[Desi]

Where to start, to the ones saying it was coward and there is a lack of character well if you are standing in my shoes I would like to see how you handled the situation as well as how you handled situations were you were my age...I tried to be as honest with him from the beginning and told him staright up what Im looking for, gave him lots of time to fix the way he was handling things ...but after all --yes the way I chose was chosen with the end in mind that I didnt want to deal with his bs anymore and have to hear it all over again ( we did talked about it twice and both times he left the convo hanging to get back to work) ... so nothing justifies his self-centered behaviour and I didnt want to feel more aggravated with his "emotionally independent girls theory" and finally.......when he is showing me minimum effort and he does "reserve the right" to not call me back and respond to my text messages every 24 hours literally like "How are you " and the next day he would say "Im good thanks" it even makes me laugh.... I do feel like running and never turning back.

 

So basically he is giving me zero respect but Im still supposed to be Miss nice girl and do it the right way just so HE does feel respected?... well I was thinking of myself for once.

[DustySaltus]

well I was thinking of myself for once.

 

Amen, it's ok to do that once and a while.

[meerkat stew]

Lots of rationalization in this thread. If you have been seeing someone a couple of months, and decide to break up, doing so via text or Email is extremely rude, worse than anything you list that he "might" have done to you.

 

Admittedly, it is problematic when you have been dating someone long enough to expect a higher level of courtesy, while not dating long enough to truly know the other person and to be able to determine compatibility. Have had several relationships break at this exact point, so feel for you there. You handled it poorly though, sorry to say.

 

Where is the truly bad behavior on his side for someone who has been dating only a couple of months and may not even have an exclusivity agreement? Inconsiderate? some, maybe, not a good match for you in terms of communication expectations? sure, but he never wronged you as you did him by breaking up via Email.

 

Finally, breaking up vindictively in a calculated attempt to lash out and get a reaction from someone and then ignoring them when you get the desired reaction is childish and counterproductive as you have now found out. Would leave him be and learn a lesson for the future. Don't allow yourself to have high expectations of people you are seeing until an exclusive relationship is in place and it has become apparent -over time- that you are on the same page as far as expectations are concerned.

[Pink Cupcakes]

He really wasn't that into you. I wouldn't have even bothered to text, call, or contact him to "break up" with him. Doens't sound like you two were really dating, to restate what another poster stated. He certainly wasn't invested in it at all.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I would agree that what's done is done and you've focused enough on how you did it.

 

It's more important to remember why you had to do it. This guy just didn't add up and for whatever reason he was "part-timing" it. That might work for some women who are also "part-timing" it, but you clearly were looking for the real deal and are entitled to it. I too have had to learn this lesson. Don't settle for less than what you want. Be more alert to those early indicators that a man isn't giving as much as you are and end it before you heart is too invested.

 

Best wishes

 

Wake-up call: Why couldn't he have spent the evening with you and his sister? I call BS on his excuse.

[DustySaltus]

Finally, breaking up vindictively in a calculated attempt to lash out and get a reaction from someone and then ignoring them when you get the desired reaction is childish and counterproductive as you have now found out.

 

Meerkat, he called her afterwards and she didn't pick up the phone. He then sent her a text and she erased it. How is that vindictive? She's not trying to get back with him, she's done.

 

She was sending him a text one day and he was responding the next day. Are you telling me someone is that busy with work to wait 24 to give a smiple, "I'm doing good response".

 

I think things could've been handled differently in that Desi should've called him out on his BS earlier. The way he handled things, he knows he screwed up...but he's not calling her 50 times to apologize now is he?