JaneInVegas Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I am seriously contemplating leaving my boyfriend. We've been living together for almost exactly a year and a half. In the beginning we used to have wonderful, thought provoking conversations. I know that relationships rarely stay in that mode, but I never expected him to go from one extreme to another. He absolutely frustrates me to no end! Yesterday we drove to Death Valley, it was a 350 mile round trip, and I'll bet he said a total of about 100 words. We don't agree on music and mutually decided long ago we wouldn't force each other's music on the other ... i.e., 350 miles of mind numbing silence because he wouldn't even talk about the stupid weather. I sometimes wonder if he's simply not into me anymore and no longer bothers making an effort. After spending most of the day in silence in the car yesterday, just about 30 minutes from home I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever get married?" He said, "I don't know, maybe." I told him that I've never been perfect, never tried to be perfect, but I've always done my best to make our relationship work out. Very blandly he said, "Your best is fine." With that the conversation came to a screeching, grinding halt. Is he done with me, or is he simply allergic to conversation??
mark982 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 have you ever sat him down and discussed your anger at his lack of communication? maybe he's just the quiet type,and was just a chatty kathy cause the relationship was new(as you said). what's his parents say,or friends? gotta be a answer somewhere.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Up until roughly 3 months ago he was talkative enough, it's just like somewhere a switch flipped off. And yes, I've actually talked to him several times about this, he insists he talks 'plenty'. I've told him I need a lot more conversation to keep me happy long term, he just shurgs and says 'I don't know what to tell you,' and then the silence returns. He's a really decent guy otherwise, I hate to give up on this relationship for something that may seem somewhat petty ... but what kind of a price tag can you put on happiness?
HeyThere Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 What else is going on in both or your lives that is creating this schism. Why would you bring up the prospect of marriage when you say, “I am seriously contemplating leaving my boyfriend.”
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 On the road trip I wasn't really thinking about breaking up with him - and the topic was meant to J O L T him into a conversation. It fizzled flat. Even a topic of that magnitude wasn't enough to get him to talk!
HeyThere Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 That is my point. You felt the relationship needed a jolt and he shut down even further. Unless the both of you address the issues between you, there will be no encouraging interchange.
boogieboy Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) On the road trip I wasn't really thinking about breaking up with him - and the topic was meant to J O L T him into a conversation. It fizzled flat. Even a topic of that magnitude wasn't enough to get him to talk! Nagging him about marriage when he's already silent isnt going to jolt him into conversation, its going to annoy him into further silence. If you want thought provoking conversation from him, you have to come up with thought provoking convertation that doesnt involve painting him into a corner with relationship talk. Try doing that. But it is alarming that he doesnt seem to be interested in talking to you anymore, sounds like the kiss of death. and he doesnt want to tell you why he lost interest....start thinking of what you could have done... Edited December 30, 2009 by boogieboy
Boundary Problem Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Well he's thinking about something. So why isn't he sharing it with you. Sounds like there is a lack of inimacy in your relationship. Guys usually chit-chat. If he is quiet, then sounds like you have two problems 1. Whatever he is worried about; 2. The fact he won't talk to you about it. 3. And a third one, he knows you want to talk about it, and he refuses. Was he hungry? When men are hungry they get really quiet.
Samantha0905 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 My guy has never chit-chatted. It drives me insane. If he's not talking now, I doubt marriage will help the situation. It's a lonely life when you're married to someone who doesn't talk much, unless you find fulfillment from friends, staying busy, etc. I would prefer someone who talks. I think. Who knows, maybe you get a talker and wish they'd shut up sometimes. As for the music situation, why don't you both take turns? I hate my husband's music and he mine, but total silence for long trips is out of the question.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Nagging him about marriage when he's already silent isnt going to jolt him into conversation, its going to annoy him into further silence. If you want thought provoking conversation from him, you have to come up with thought provoking convertation that doesnt involve painting him into a corner with relationship talk. Try doing that. But it is alarming that he doesnt seem to be interested in talking to you anymore, sounds like the kiss of death. and he doesnt want to tell you why he lost interest....start thinking of what you could have done... No nagging at all, it was a straightforward question in a completely nuetral tone of voice. I had been doing the 'thought provoking' conversation starters all day, it only sparked interest in him for a few minutes a couple of times. Also, I rarely bring up 'relationship talk', it's not one of his favorite topics even in the best of times.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Was he hungry? When men are hungry they get really quiet. LOL! I've never heard this one before, and I'm not sure if it's true about him or not, but I'm going to have to start paying attention in the future - he was actually VERY hungry!
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Do you have any common interests or hobbies as a starting point for discussion? If not, how about working on this.
2sunny Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 don't put him on the spot with such significant topics, try talking about things that he's interested in. if you're uneducated about his interests then do research and converse about it from there - ask him to teach you about some of the areas that he find of interest. could be politics, sports or his hobbies.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Hi! I am 45 years old, and most of my friends and family members are in a similar age bracket. EVERY single man I know thinks their wife/girfriend talks too much and asks too many questions. None of them like to be asked many questions, particularly if many questions are asked, without giving them a chance to answer. I don't know if they are being unreasonble or not, but it seems to be an epidemic. I'm sure both men and woman own part of this problem. It's all about communication. Some men and some woman are quiet and not communicative. In my relationship, I am more talkative, and she is quieter. The concern here is the CHANGE. Unless he was talkative during the courting phase, and now he just feels comfortable. Have you told him that you have clearly seen a change in him, that you are not comfortable with it, and if he can please explain what is the reason.
Dina G. Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I sometimes wonder if he's simply not into me anymore and no longer bothers making an effort. I was going to post my own thread, with a variation on this topic (may still do that), but this problem seems more common that we would like. Certainly part of my issues with BF... Clearly, women like to converse more. Early on, he was probably making an effort to communicate, because he had to, to pursue you. But now he has you, so he can just be "himself". It can be frustrating even when things are going well, but it also makes things impossible if their are ever other issues in your relationship. Is he trying to please you and connect with you in other ways? Has that changed? And have you ever tried to communicate with him about issues or problems about the relationship? No surprise about the timing either. I've read that the romantic phase of the relationship lasts from 6 months to 2 years, and almost never makes it beyond 2 years, so by that point you must have established a firm and lasting basis that goes beyond initial lust and romance. Of course, reading about it and living through it are two different things! I had a relationship that seemed PERFECT for the first 12 to 18 months, and nearly perfect until just about that 2 year mark. He didn't talk much, but he did try, and we could laugh about our differences. But after the 2 year point, he just didn't seem to put any effort into the relationship, instead he began to take up time-consuming new hobbies, though he said he was still loves me and is fully committed. But it is the complete lack of effort that bothers me, and the total, complete change from previous "dating" behavior, at which he had previously been a star. So I'm wondering if you are feeling or seeing anything other than the lack of conversation. Cause if everything else is going well between you, the silence might have been just...a quiet ride. (The thing about the music can be difficult...but still negotiable if everything else is great. Again, when things like that become non-negotiable, I've come to see that it's a sign of other problems.)
nddb Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I guess the other side of the coin, and it's a serious question, is how would you want a man to talk to you. In the first 2 years, men are in the "discovery" phase. Talking results in obtaining new information about the person they just met. After that, it's harder to find topics to talk about. This is especially true for guys who are into problem solving--guys who see talk as a way to share needed information and solve problems. May be he just doesn't know what to talk about or what topic would be good to carry on a half an hour of conversation about.
hopeful1980 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 My husband is a talker, but like most men he can go into his cave. The only thing that gets him talking is for me to stop talking. When I stop talking for like a day or two, he bombards me with questions and small talk. The other ways I've gotten him to talk is to ask him about something he likes or do something he likes with him like play a game.
reboot Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Buy yourself a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr. Read Chapter 5 together.
Tethys Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I am seriously contemplating leaving my boyfriend. We've been living together for almost exactly a year and a half. In the beginning we used to have wonderful, thought provoking conversations. I know that relationships rarely stay in that mode, but I never expected him to go from one extreme to another. He absolutely frustrates me to no end! Yesterday we drove to Death Valley, it was a 350 mile round trip, and I'll bet he said a total of about 100 words. We don't agree on music and mutually decided long ago we wouldn't force each other's music on the other ... i.e., 350 miles of mind numbing silence because he wouldn't even talk about the stupid weather. I sometimes wonder if he's simply not into me anymore and no longer bothers making an effort. After spending most of the day in silence in the car yesterday, just about 30 minutes from home I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever get married?" He said, "I don't know, maybe." I told him that I've never been perfect, never tried to be perfect, but I've always done my best to make our relationship work out. Very blandly he said, "Your best is fine." With that the conversation came to a screeching, grinding halt. Is he done with me, or is he simply allergic to conversation?? My 2 cents: If this is a symptom of things going downhill generally in your relationship I think you should really look into breaking up. I know from experience that some guys aren't happy but aren't able to say that, so they just act like jerks. I would think that if he truly loves you the threat of you leaving will push him to speak up and ask you to stay (and be willing to look for a solution to your talking problem). If he doesn't speak up, it's probably over for him.
Tethys Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 ...start thinking of what you could have done... Of course her boyfriend could have lost interest outside of something she could have done, right? She shouldn't necessarily blame herself if he has lost interest.
AmIParanoid Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 I am seriously contemplating leaving my boyfriend. We've been living together for almost exactly a year and a half. In the beginning we used to have wonderful, thought provoking conversations. I know that relationships rarely stay in that mode, but I never expected him to go from one extreme to another. He absolutely frustrates me to no end! This isn't really about conversational styles, it seems to me. If you have lived together for a year and a half, it sounds like you are ready to either move on to a permanent committment--i.e. marriage--or move on to someone else. A year and a half is plenty of time for both of you to know whether or not you want to get married to each other. So this is the discussion that needs to occur with no pussy footing around. Yesterday we drove to Death Valley, it was a 350 mile round trip, and I'll bet he said a total of about 100 words. We don't agree on music and mutually decided long ago we wouldn't force each other's music on the other ... i.e., 350 miles of mind numbing silence because he wouldn't even talk about the stupid weather. Now this is an indication of a rather serious problem in your relationship. Neither of you is willing to compromise on an issue as relatively trivial as what music you listen to in the car. I.e. that could be his music; your music; alternation; or picking some other music that you both can live with. So instead, you and he sit there with no music at all. Also, it's not good that you and he apparently view compromising on something like music as "forcing" it on one or the other of you. That's not how a successful long term relationship works. Neither of you is willing to take the first step toward compromise, i.e., you could simply have said (or he could have) "Hey honey let's listen to that favorite CD of yours. I want to try and get into it some more." Nope. Even the music you listen to has become a battlefield in your relationship. Oftentimes the woman will have to make the first step towards compromising. I'm sorry to tell you that but that's just the way things are. I sometimes wonder if he's simply not into me anymore and no longer bothers making an effort. Well you need to try and look at it from his point of view. Why do you assume the worst (he's not into you anymore) projecting that viewpoint onto him? You're the one who indicates you're thinking of ending things, he never said that to you. I suspect he's ambivalent because although he loves you, you may come off as uncompromising to him. I don't think very many guys would want to commit to a marriage to a woman who would give him a hard time over what music was playing in the car radio. Again by accusing him of not making an effort you are projecting. Inviting him to play his music would be a very important way of communicating to him that you love him. You missed that opportunity. After spending most of the day in silence in the car yesterday, just about 30 minutes from home I asked him, "Do you think we'll ever get married?" Wow you did drop the bombshell on him didn't you, but in an indirect way. Why didn't you just come out and tell him "Look we've been together a year and a half, I think we need to talk about our future together and whether or not that includes marriage." You were both sitting in the car for the whole day in sullen silence, then you immediately started talking about marriage? He said, "I don't know, maybe." I told him that I've never been perfect, never tried to be perfect, but I've always done my best to make our relationship work out. Very blandly he said, "Your best is fine." Well that's a very positive signal isn't it? But frankly if you are fighting with him over the music playing in the car of all things you need to have an attitude adjustment if you really want to marry this guy. Again if I had a girlfriend who was unwilling to make such a trivial concession as what music to play in the car I would have serious doubts about making a lifetime commitment because I assure you honey marriage will involve a lot more serious issues then what music you listen to. With that the conversation came to a screeching, grinding halt. Is he done with me, or is he simply allergic to conversation?? Try this. Apologize for giving him a hard time about not letting him listen to the music he likes in the car. Cook him a nice meal and have a nice bottle of wine. Go to bed with him and knock his socks off. Then try having the same conversation again.
asireen Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I sometimes wonder if he's simply not into me anymore You said it .. this may be a correct hunch on your part.
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