Hazyhead Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Maybe she would rather you had told her so that you could discuss and rationalise your reasons for going home - that they were out of guilt or responsibility and not because you just wanted to be with your husband. Go back to her and talk about what's best for you. It might be moving forward on your own and building your life again. Sounds scary I know, but exciting too. The pain is something that you'll have to face and cope with the best you can. Hugs Willow.
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 thank you hazy. i know the first time i move back was out of guilt, not because i wanted to be with my husband. i know he's hurting and he wants me home. i told him today i don't want to hurt him, i need more time. i was very honest with him and told him i felt no love nothing. by new years i do have to make a decisioin so we can get on with our lives. another is my mm. he's been a huge part of my life for 3 years who i love deeply and want to be with, i want no one else.
Brokenlady Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Willow, How do you feel about being alone? Will you still feel like leaving your H was the right thing if you don't end up with MM? In the course of the separations you both are going through, you're going to both have ebb and flow times, and those times are unlikely to coincide. He's probably having real difficulty with his children being so far away and I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up moving to be closer to them. Much like you have to make decisions about what's best for you and your kids apart from MM, he will have to make decisions about his life and his kids apart from you. Neither of you are in a position to be able to commit to anything with the other because you're still over your head in dealing with marital stuff that is still really fresh. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do right now is focus on getting your life back together without your H. You don't neccessarily have to go NC with MM, but he can't be priority - it would be like trying to put out a neigbor's housefire with a bucket (impossible) while a fire has started in your own kitchen (can be handled if you put your attention on it, instead of the hopeless cause). Apologoes for the crappy analogy, lack of sleep does funny things to me.
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 i know you are so right, and he's having such a hard time being w/o his kids, and being unemployed. finding work has been impossible for him. the money issues have been so stressful for him. i know if he moves closer it will be the end of our relationship, i can't do the ld thing with how i feel about him. i've told him many times i'm terrified of a broken heart, and because of this i become self destructive where i will hurt the people i love to keep them from getting close to me so i wont get hurt. i've done this with my mm. i've tried many times to walk away, and i'm weak and can't beause of how much i love him. i told him last night that i'm so depressed, i miss him so much. i told him i cry. he said please don't, you're in my heart all the time. it's a crushing situation. i asked him how did we get here, how did this evolve like this. it wasn't suppose to happen. we where not suppose to care about one another or fall in love. it was suppose to be small talk, and sex once in a while. how did i let my emotions get so out of control. it helps to talk even though i still want to cry.
bestplayer Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 thank you hazy. i know the first time i move back was out of guilt, not because i wanted to be with my husband. i know he's hurting and he wants me home. i told him today i don't want to hurt him, i need more time. i was very honest with him and told him i felt no love nothing. by new years i do have to make a decisioin so we can get on with our lives. another is my mm. he's been a huge part of my life for 3 years who i love deeply and want to be with, i want no one else. well i read ur posts & i think the only person u r hurting is ur husband , why r u still telling him u need more time ? u said u have been with this other man for 3yrs while u r still married to ur husband . I understand u feel no love for ur husband & he means nothing to u but still as a human being u can not be so heartless & in love with this other guy that u see nothing wrong in the way u treating ur husband . it is normal that ur husband wishes that u come back , but u know that u will not , so make it clear to him that u r dumping him for good . my comments might sound harsh but it is the fact . u asked " Am I selfish ?" the answer is no not for ur lover but for ur husband u r not only selfish but ruthless & without compassion. I really hope that u get the happiness that u want . best of luck & SORRY if i sound rude.
bestplayer Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 i have read talked with divorced people about wavering in the past. i use to think, it's easy split and move on. it's not. guilt will bring you back, knowing you hurt someone wether you love them or not will bring you back, comfort, finances. i waver out of guilt. i know it's wrong, it's that final decision that is painful. ofcourse it is easy to split & move on , for u atleast . final decision is painful ? it is only for ur husband & not u .
Author willowfields Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 your very honest and i appreciate it. i have to make a decision, and i will by new years eve. a part of me out of guilt wants to go back, but my heart does not. i know i wont be happy. i told my husband today most likely i wont be coming home, but we will talk on ny eve. i struggle with this because i know how he feels about me, and i wish i could return the feelings, and i can't. i believe he thinks there's hope. then i think there could be happiness again with us. then my ap calls, and i miss him, and i'm so torn.
Author willowfields Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 best my final decision is very painful.
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