Crumbling marriage

[snake2009]

Ok, so I'm a brand new member and I've just done a google search like everyone does for support forums to see what people are writing, this is where I have ended up...

 

So heres the history:

 

I met my wife 5 years ago through work - she was a customer and we went on a few dates and then went steady, after a while I moved in with her and her daughter who is now 11.

 

She had just left a previous boyfriend for verbal and psychological abuse and it took a long time to re-assure her that there are better things in life.

 

There is 5 years worth of history here so I want to bullet point this - and everyone this wont be nice to hear some of this, its brutal honesty in its sheerest form - some bad stuff about me, her...

 

I went through a phase of playing online games, met friends through it and an online pal told me he was on the phone, then she went out for a while, turns out she had been playing it too and got his number...etc etc - arguement, deletion of her account, mobile number of his etc, nothing more ever came of it.

 

Then a case where at a new job of hers a bloke was sacked for indecent exposure to her, story i know is he whipped it out just when she came ina nd then laughed., thats all iknow on that one.

 

Many years of normal life then, nothing at all..

 

We had a child together, moved to a house, then we fought a lot over money, a house mate that was real messy etc, then he moved out and we was decorating a room, i had her by the throat for some inconceivable reason, which i might add is something I have said all my life i would never do and saw myself doing this dispicable act, so PLEASE do not think i have pride in this - only shame and regret. It came to nothing, i retreated away and left the room, this blew over as a once off and then life carried on, but with constant arguements.

 

Now she is in a new job, and over the course of the last 9 months a relationship has developed between her and lets call him JOE, it began extremely small, then built up, she eventually gained a promotion to his department which is where she currently works.

 

There are lots of factors as my suspicions have been raised for some time and my temper has not been in check, we have been volatile but before it all starts I try my very best to convaey my needs as a man and a husband in the marriage of that our vows are honoured and that confiding in another man outside of our marriage will lead to mis-trust and jealosy, my only ever response has been that i must just 'get over it' , i complain i never gain any re-assurance or support or love or healthy input to our relationship from her.

 

Here is a list of things I have noted down as my suspicions grew, they may seem trivial when viewed singularly but the list seems to keep growing..

 

Your own assumptions and decisions can and will be made i realise, some i wont like, or like to hear, but thats truth but i'll take it on the chin, no choice, reality and all.

 

1. Buys our son a JOE racing car

2. really wants to buy a new brand of clothing hoody top and goes on about it for 2 weeks, then gets it, a month later when said "JOE" is round with another friend for dinner and she has had some wine it gets blurted out it was because he recommended it to her.

3. Always getting lifts with him in the morning.

4. Putting cartoons on for our son, BUT..they are JOE cartoons (his name)

5. Mentions to our daughter over dinner that JOE has a beauty spot just like grandad,

6. Confides in JOE all my deepest fears and jealous's and our problems.

7. Texts JOE last thing at night at times and early on in the morning.

8. Goes onto facebook early (we take turns to be up at 5.30 AM for our son) very early in morning and the only pages checked are his, with replies, etc, thi is ongoing and regular.

9. During one months billing mobile period has sent JOE 340 text messages.

10. Following month sent JOE 120 text messages.

11. Admitted to flirting with JOE at work, apologised for it.

12. Following the apology within a week then defended it saying it was friendly and it would not stop.

13. Has left on several occasions to 'work out what she wants' and to 'get some space' , staying at - miraculously here JOES friends 'holiday apartment' that he so happens to have right near - you guessed it - JOE.

14. Has bought within the time she has been promoted to working alongside JOE - new underwear & clothing.

15. Just the other day - came home was being nice to me - and I mean 'out of the ordinary' nice, so i asked where she'd been for hours- out with JOE & friend.

There are more I have stored on my mobile phone but its lost in our house somewhere and I cant find it - just went looking for 15 minutes !!

 

So...

 

That is the history but I lost my temper a month or so back and threw her out of the house but dragging her round the corner of a door on onto a radiator bruised and scraped all her hip quite badly which again I have no pride.

 

I AM AT A LOSS !!!!!!!

 

I am dissapointed with myself.

I have constantly been struggling to get across that there are thigns I need too.

Our relationship has not always been like this, for years she had stomach problems - as women do - and it cannot be helped, I am aware us men breeze through life mostly without issue but women are built differently and that support is needed and her issues went on for 3 years solidly of my giving, helping, supporting.

 

And I really want to defend myself here because my mindset is not right presently, in the context that all the things that made me whom I am that I have always believed in before this woman - thigns that have always seen me right int he world without harming or doing wrong by others I have now been contradictory to, this is leading me to extreme difficulty in determining the rights and wrongs of conversations being had etc.

 

if that makes sense - hope it does.

 

But what am i to do - she works full time, i look after out baby, our 11 year old, our house, all the money, and you know what - I pride myself in those things, i dont just 'get along' or 'manage' i really go all out, i take the kids bike riding, i cook gerat meals, every - you name i do it - hell i even make my own home made pies, currys, roast dinners, trifles, blueberry muffins - and you know what else - i dont even find all that stuff hard, but sometimes it is - thats normal and i dont get nothing for it - any of it.

 

The best response to it all is that im too clean - what for bleaching the sides ready for the next day ? Im called OCD for that - well i thought OCD was for when you do it OVER AND OVER !!?? I just do it when needed, like ready for next day to cook brekky for the kids without worry of them catching something, i mean - is it NOT a swine flu society we live in right now ????????

 

I apparently am TOO tidy, but the sort of eprson i am requires these things in order to function and enjoy the important stuff in life, I am being made to feel that I am obsessive over simple things when (and i have conveyed this to her) all i want is that house clean and tidy for our kids.

 

I want to set an example of how to look after your things, of how to prepare, how to order your life, she does'nt know it but I am currently dropping hints at how to order your life so you have more time for better stuff, the actual WHYS of things and the HOWS of things to our daughter.

 

Our daughter - theres another one - 11 with plenty of attitude but do i take anything out on her - NEVER, shes always asking where mummy is and sits me down sometimes and says it will be ok, god - she tells ME her boyfriends and things at school, i go to the parents evenings - the last THREE in fact. When my wife sits with her shes angry at her for wanting a cuddle, she wants me to put her to bed, dont get me wrong, im no pushover she gets told off plenty when its required and if its a bad telling off she gets it or a few words at the right time then so be it.

 

I feel right now I have been pushed to a point where self preservation is starting within me - i feel it, posting here is a sympton of it - i am aware of it, i have told her this, that i dont want it, i dont like, i want to repair damage, it CAN be done.

 

I am the kid of man that CAN do it, i can do anything when i put my mind to it, where the hell am i going wrong here ?

 

Am i doing too much because my wife says that mess is healthy - thats a quote.

 

She is working full time so surely I should be given the respect to run the house the way i see fit that is most importantly best for the kids? I am being made to feel that that is wrong, that i am wrong.

 

I wish so much for so many things, i do yearn for our love still, we was so close at one point.

 

I wont ask the questions here, you know the ones - stay/go, all of that, you lot out there are clued up for that, im just at a loss, im a bit of a romantic guy describing these things and it just feels like sand running through my fingers and i cant stop it slipping away, i feel i am entitled to my rights as a husband, and im not an unfair guy or bossy or pushy but im being told im a bully, abusive - i have been.

 

Im finding it hard to find some ground to stand on here...

 

sadly yours...replies please...

[hopesndreams]

Did you know her when she was still with the ex bf and if so, in what capacity?

 

Does Joe have a W or gf?

[confused71]

Hello mate,

sorry you are going through this at christmas time.I have been in your shoes and you are in for a rollercoaster ride.

 

So first of all I would say you definately need to keep your temper in check ,because trust me the things you have done will definatley be used against you as an excuse for leaving and if it ends in divorce she could maybe use it in court against you.

Dont want to sound patronising but maybe an anger management course or something just to show that you are working on yourself.

 

Now do you know if this JOE is married or something.I would go the route of another guy on LS who completely exposed the affair at his wifes work to bosses and workmates.It wont look so tempting for her if all this stress is on her head ,and JOE might not be able to handle it also.

 

Also the stuff about her saying you are too clean,too this ,too that are all excuses for her to be off doing what shes doing.My exe's reasons changed every 5 minutes and were mostly ridiculous.

 

So I would definately expose what she is doing at her work and to her family...and work on the temper issues.

Good luck

[soserious1]

I'm sorry but I stopped being able to hear what you were saying after the parts about how you had your hands around her throat and how you injured her while dragging her out of the house and throwing her onto the street.

 

You people need to separate for awhile and attend some couple's therapy, you could also benefit from IC and a program for domestic violence, I'd strongly suggest you look into those options before something more drastic happens and a judge orders you to do so.

 

What's going on in your house isn't good for anybody, it's not safe or fair to the kids. And whatever she's done or not done wrong? that gets totally thrown out the window if you get arrested on domestic violence charges or if god forbid you hit her and she strikes her head on something and dies.

Edited December 28, 2009 by soserious1

[lostinthesupermarket]

I'm sorry but I stopped being able to hear what you were saying after the parts about how you had your hands around her throat and how you injured her while dragging her out of the house and throwing her onto the street.

 

You people need to separate for awhile and attend some couple's therapy, you could also benefit from IC and a program for domestic violence, I'd strongly suggest you look into those options before something more drastic happens and a judge orders you to do so.

 

What's going on in your house isn't good for anybody, it's not safe or fair to the kids. And whatever she's done or not done wrong? that gets totally thrown out the window if you get arrested on domestic violence charges or if god forbid you hit her and she strikes her head on something and dies.

 

100% agree with what so serious has written here.

 

I understand that the things your wife has been doing are hurting you, making you feel suspicious, angry and confused, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for you to react with violence.

 

You need to get into anger management therapy ASAP and learn to deal with your issues and the problems in the marriage in a more constructive way.

 

It will not look good for you, or help you gain custody of your children if you have a history of domestic violence.

 

or if god forbid you hit her and she strikes her head on something and dies.

 

Please think about the above quote seriously and get help immediately.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

lits

[snake2009]

Some tough replies there and I cant avoid any of them.

 

Violence - god i hate myself, ive always prided myself on a clean conscience - and now what am i ? the things i hate most ? what do i stand for now ?

 

I am already on a concelling course for myself as she would not come to help me deal with all the factors involved here, and i mean all - ive been very honest in what my councellor knows, so the emothional, phschological and physical - all are on the table.

 

I am living day by day with a goal of not repeating, its been a long time since this has happened and it feels good to know i'm growing a stronger resolve with each passing day, my church helps also in being there for me to deal with these stress's.

 

 

I agree with those that stated that no matter what she's done it does not or never condone violence, i am living almost every minute with these subjects on my mind, what i have done, you can call it a personal torture ive created for myself and i hate it and myself for it, perhaps in time i can heal completely, i hope so.

 

Going back to the person who said exposure is the best course, i have considered this many times, and her mother does know and does not like any of it one bit, no approval at all for any of her actions or mine but see's mostly that her actions push a person way too far.

 

Please dont think it makes me feel better for sometime to understand the reasons for my actions, it only allows me to see how disgusting it and i am for doing those things.

 

Her father is a devout christian and divorce is not in his vocabulary, if that were to happen or the level of exposure that would be required in order for the whole truth to be set in light he would not want anything to do with her, its the man he is, so do i expose her and destroy part of her family ?

 

I would say that is not mine to do, she should be forced to do it herself for what is it - wrong in all ways, her father has taight her from day one that relationships are precious and private and for only two people, with devotion encompassing love, emotions, caring, discretion and more just for your partner, i myself am a believer of this - marriage is for life for me, for better or worse.

 

I am still quite lost and focusing on making our son happy as our daughter is out and about most times.

 

To the person who asked about previous boyfriends and JOES situations:

 

I did not meet her previous partners at all, and JOE has not girlfriend or wife, he's just always there for her, listens, talks, has a place for her etc.

 

And that annoys the hell out of me - he's a waiter - and not the type thats serves you in a restaurant either, he's patient and just waiting for it all to go wrong and then he'll 'be there' creeping slowly and quietly until he's under the table and i'm long gone.

 

I've got to go because going through all this in my head right now is distracting me from my son and thats more important, just thought i would jump on here for 10 minutes for responses.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies - good, bad - all.

[hopesndreams]

Some never, ever take responsibility for their actions. They can justify a slap here, a punch there, a drag here, a choke there and go about their merry way content in the knowledge that they didn't do anything wrong, it was all someone else's doing that drove them to it. Looks like you're addressing and dealing the best way you can with the anger that drives you to violence, but you are not out of the woods for it to never happen again.

 

Your W is doing the same as above. Only she's not physically harming you, she is doing it emotionally. Betrayal is a kick in the gut, shatters the heart and is the cause of such great pain, like no other, for months or perhaps years down the road. Some BS have no coping mechanism when this happens because the self-esteem takes such a sh*t kicking. They resort to drugs/alcohol, commit suicide, go on a rampage, any number of things--you get the picture.

 

The longer she hurts you and makes you suffer, the deeper in the pit you will become.

 

Take the bull by the horns, confront and expose. Do not strike her again. End the possibility of that happening again and let her cheating azz go.

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

It is obvious you are in pains ... long and detailed write up. Notwithstanding the length, like others this relationship is very toxic. She seems to have checked out of the marriage and made loads of excuses. She is probably having PA.

 

Now no matter how justified your pains are, she can counter it by the violence she received from you. It is gruesome ... the severe bruises. With such bruises there must have been some emotional abuse as well. So you would not be on the winning side once she state her side with the domestic violence, even though it will be obvious from her story that she is making rationalisations to justify her cheating azz. The violence would cloud everything and would eventually be the reason she will use to leave you.

 

MC would only work if the two of you are committed. It doesn't look like she wants that. The OM is still in the picture and she is not prepared to give that friendship up to save the relationship. My 2 cents is that respect have been lost in the relationship. You being a house husband, irrespective of doing all the chores is a marriage killer. Only few marriage can survive such in the long run. Men from the get go are meant to be providers, so psychologically and subconciously she probably resented you for not working.

 

My advice, you need to work on yourself. If you continue to push her to work on the M which to her is dead would be futile and makes you look weak in her eyes. Probably by working on yourself she would see the positive changes.

[snake2009]

Another night - another arguement, me seeking answers.

 

I'm so low right now I could just end it all, sorry but I could, i'm so ashamed of myself - the things i've done, what am i ?

 

I hate myself so much and i want love so much it hurting in a way that i cant handle, i dont even know, care or want to think whos right, wrong or anything, im just a total loser with no future, ive hurt the most precious thing to me, my wife, the mother of our children - how could i do these things ?

 

What have I done ?

 

I just cant take it.

[CBIIS1]

She's messing with your head. Leave before it gets you thrown in jail. She is pushing the necessary buttons to make you violent. You have to get that anger under control, this is not Irac here. Once you get your rage down you can play her one on one. She knows you will loose it and is really enjoying getting you there because then she has the power, not you. Chill, get some pro help and then leave, she's bad for you. You have anxiety problems and this can be treated/resolved. She might be the cause of them. Stop blaiming yourself and become a better man. Keep the violence for the ring or the battle field. You won't win otherwise. Its not too late to change the way you react to people like her, but it takes effort, confidence and inner peace from you.

[2sunny]

tell her to move today. she's soooo cheating. make her uncomfortable. she will see what life is like without the child and money... yes, keep the child and money with you while she leaves.

[snake2009]

I did the right thing last night, I left for 4 hours, no phone, nothing, left her to it.

 

I've made a decision, to take responsibility for every action i take, and i wont take any because some other person prompts me, push's a button or antagonises me, last night was all about that, checking the quality of the washing up i had done and saying it was all dirty instead of praise for looking after the family and house all day while she was at work.

 

I wont be goaded anymore, I had inner peace once and I'll find it again.

 

I wont be leaving however, I wont be forced out of the home I have 90% of the belongings to, completed 90% of the repairs and refurbishment to and 90% of the child upbringing in.

 

I will find a way and its not going to be physical or a game to play, I'll do it, my children need me to do it, I wont abandon them to this woman who has made it her choice to abandon me and our love for other wants.

 

In retrospective - we were close at one point, very very close, but how was I to know the entire person she was when she was at an extreme low and depressive state, now she is rebuilt, full of confidence like I haven't known in her while I have known her and this is the woman I find, frankly I am dissapointed in what she is.

 

She should as a mother be raising above this for her children but is not - and that task is also mine, but the burden of this is fully mine for both partners as she is shirking her responsibility of it.

 

I'll step up to this gladly for them, they need me so much.

 

Like you say - time to be the better man, time to put it behind me, close the door on it and say - it was me, it was bad but i moved on from being that - i chose the right path to take and I shall never look back.

 

Feeling happy and balanced - not on a 'high' ready for a 'low' like before but steady, calm and collected.

 

Thank you.

[hopesndreams]

Are both the children in school?

 

She's feeling burdened because you're staying home, taking care of house and kids, and even though you are doing a fantastic job and she rakes in lots of dough?, she is becoming resentful and that's her green light for an A.

 

It's time to start thinking of you and what are you going to do if she were to leave you. Look into going back to school and or getting a job, any job, it will give you some semblance of independence and raise your self esteem.

 

Also, look into the legals of it all, protect yourself and the kids. Do not leave the home, ever, no matter what.

 

And please, let those dishes soak in the sink and get yourself out and about when she is home. Let her watch the kids. Don't tell her where you're going either.