Trading qualities in boyfriends

[OnlyJake]

I have had 4 noteworthy romantic relationships. They all follow a pattern where the reasons I broke up with the previous boyfriend are the reasons I started dating the new boyfriend. Does that make sense? I would break up with Boyfriend A b/c of certain qualities, then start dating Boyfriend B because he was the opposite of those qualities.

 

I'm in my mid-20s. Will that pattern ever go away? Is that pattern a bad thing? It's definitely very reactionary. Do other people do this? Below I described specific circumstances, but you don't need to read those to answer my questions, or to comment on this topic.

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I ended my relationship with my first boyfriend for several reasons. He loved playing the victim role, and nothing was ever his fault. That D- he got in chemistry? Obviously it was because the teacher hated him, not because he never completed and handed in one single assignment or studied for one single exam. He was lazy. He wasn't very affectionate, physically or verbally. He would never apologize for anything, or make meaningful gestures, or get his head out of his butt.

 

My next boyfriend was much more active, and had a part-time job in addition to going to school, though he lacked ambition, and wasn't especially diligent or hardworking. He was flabby. He was very affectionate, and he definitely would apologize if I was angry about something. But he was VERY clingy, too physically affectionate (smothering), too dramatic. If I was annoyed because (for the 10th time in a row) he said he would call, and then he didn't, he would literally run over to my house and bang on the door until I answered to apologize...even if it was 11pm - my curfew was 10. He also wasn't "school smart" which was a turn off for me at the time. Nor was he financially responsible - the second he got his hands on any money, it was spent, and 4 months into his 18th year he was already thousands of dollars into debt (jewelry, a car, a snowmobile, a cell phone...). There were 2 different rumors about him cheating on me with 2 different girls.

 

What boyfriends #1 and #2 had in common: both came from low income, broken homes. Both were flabby.

 

My third noteworthy boyfriend was very financially responsible. In fact, he was so responsible, that he also started to micromanage what I did with my money. He was incredibly smart, very ambitious and hardworking and responsible. He played on an athletic team at our university. He was very fit, came from a conservative family similar to mine, parents still together. He didn't stay up late, and didn't sleep in. He had impeccable manners, was very organized, he always planned things. The demise of that relationship came about because he was very sexually selfish, controlling, jealous, constantly picked fights over anything and everything, incredibly moody, had inappropriately flirtatious relationships with other women, but never wanted me to hang out with my girl friends, he would flip out if everything wasn't specifically planned, or if we deviated from the plan...He seemed to hate women and treated his mother very disrespectfully.

 

So that brings me to #4. Also came from a good family life (parents still together, close to his family). We never fought about anything, ever. He was sexually giving. Goodnatured, even tempered. Didn't have a jealous or controlling bone in his body. Nothing ever seemed to bother him. Also smart and ambitious, though less active, and on the lazy side. At first this was good, because he wouldn't make me feel guilty for not working out, or for sleeping in past 8am on the weekends. Very spontaneous, would never commit to definite plans very far in advance, pretty much never planned anything. He was the type who would decide we should go see a movie, so we'd drive to the theater and see whatever was playing when we got there. More than happy to tag along as long as someone else was choosing a restaurant and making dinner reservations. Part of the reason this relationship ended is that all of this served to make me feel as though I wasn't very important to him. He also didn't like to "answer" to me or "report" to me, which meant that I would find out via Facebook, or from him or other friends weeks later that he had given his ex a ride home one day and ended up coming in to play Wii with her and her roommate for a few hours.

 

Most of my minor dates/relationships follow the same pattern.

Edited December 27, 2009 by OnlyJake

[paddington bear]

Yup...I think we all pretty much do this was my initial response...but maybe everyone doesn't.

 

I've seen (just for example - applies to guys and girls), a guy whose girlfriend bosses him about, keeps him on a short leash and he hates it, complains about it, eventually leaves her. Hurrah, he's broken the pattern, is his own person and then he unconsciously seeks out someone else who looks different but acts pretty much the same as his ex and treats him in the same way. So, I don't know, does that mean that some people 'learn' from relationships and others don't and keep repeating the same patterns? And if so, why do some people learn and others not?

 

Or...does going for the opposite of your last boyfriend not qualify as learning at all? Learning would surely be more like going for a similar type of person each time, but the next one not having the bad qualities of the previous one, rather than being a total opposite.

 

I think it's human nature, I've gone from a man very unsure of himself and shy around women to a man who is very passionate and emotionally verbal and I'm wondering when he's gone what happens, if I go back to someone less emotionally effusive?...I don't think so though, I like the passion and would like that aspect to remain as one of the qualities in the next person.

 

I like to think of it as a ball of sticky tape rolling down a carpet and picking up all the good bits that you liked from all your ex's while leaving behind all the scuzzy, nasty bits of dust and dirt.

[OnlyJake]

Yup...I think we all pretty much do this was my initial response...but maybe everyone doesn't.

 

I've seen (just for example - applies to guys and girls), a guy whose girlfriend bosses him about, keeps him on a short leash and he hates it, complains about it, eventually leaves her. Hurrah, he's broken the pattern, is his own person and then he unconsciously seeks out someone else who looks different but acts pretty much the same as his ex and treats him in the same way. So, I don't know, does that mean that some people 'learn' from relationships and others don't and keep repeating the same patterns? And if so, why do some people learn and others not?

 

Or...does going for the opposite of your last boyfriend not qualify as learning at all? Learning would surely be more like going for a similar type of person each time, but the next one not having the bad qualities of the previous one, rather than being a total opposite.

 

I think it's human nature, I've gone from a man very unsure of himself and shy around women to a man who is very passionate and emotionally verbal and I'm wondering when he's gone what happens, if I go back to someone less emotionally effusive?...I don't think so though, I like the passion and would like that aspect to remain as one of the qualities in the next person.

 

I like to think of it as a ball of sticky tape rolling down a carpet and picking up all the good bits that you liked from all your ex's while leaving behind all the scuzzy, nasty bits of dust and dirt.

 

That all makes sense.

 

I also wonder if the problem is just me though. Maybe I'm super uptight and have a grass is greener thing going on. Take Boyfriend #3. By the time I finally broke up with him I hated how anal he was about making plans far in advance and sticking to them to the minute, and his moodiness if it even seemed like that might not happen...let alone if it did.

 

So when I first started dating #4 I just loved how he never had a plan, and had a hard time making one. But, but the time we broke up I hated how he couldn't ever be bothered to even occasionally make a dinner reservation (not even for Valentine's Day, let alone for my birthday dinner or a random date night).

[You'reasian]

That all makes sense.

 

I also wonder if the problem is just me though. Maybe I'm super uptight and have a grass is greener thing going on. Take Boyfriend #3. By the time I finally broke up with him I hated how anal he was about making plans far in advance and sticking to them to the minute, and his moodiness if it even seemed like that might not happen...let alone if it did.

 

So when I first started dating #4 I just loved how he never had a plan, and had a hard time making one. But, but the time we broke up I hated how he couldn't ever be bothered to even occasionally make a dinner reservation (not even for Valentine's Day, let alone for my birthday dinner or a random date night).

 

You are jumping from guy to guy figuring out what you like/dislike.

 

Do you know what you want out of a relationship? What matters?

[OnlyJake]

You are jumping from guy to guy figuring out what you like/dislike.

 

Do you know what you want out of a relationship? What matters?

I have the basics down, like respect and financially responsible. But everything else seems to flip flop based on things I didn't like about my previous boyfriend.

[Golfilla]

I have the basics down, like respect and financially responsible. But everything else seems to flip flop based on things I didn't like about my previous boyfriend.

 

Sounds like maybe you're not taking enough time after each relationship to get over the last person, and thus you're letting the frustrations of that relationship dictate what you choose in the next one. Maybe you need to take a bit longer to get over a break up and spend some time alone before you jump in next time.

 

It might also be worth remembering that people are imperfect, and that for every quality you like in a person, there's also going to be one that just annoys the crap out of you. Maybe, as another poster said, you need to decide which qualities are important and seek those without compromise, and be prepared to accept faults in the areas that are less important to you.

[sally4sara]

I noticed that the position of the person I finished dating was made clearer to me in the next relationship I had. I would find myself in their shoes and whatever issue we had would become resolved for me in that way.

 

Example:

Like leaving a relationship with someone who seemed to not care enough - the next relationship would be with someone I thought to be too clingy and overly sentimental.

 

I just chalked it up to life's lessons and used it as a way to work on myself.