boogieboy Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 It just dawned on me that I might be a tad judgemental. I probably do it without much thought (much like my posts), but not realizing what people around me in person might think of me when I do it. I looked at the online personals ad in the other thread and that made me wonder "how bad am I?". I looked up definitions of "judging" people to try to know exactly what Im doing so I can stop...or get out of the habit. This will be my new project on myself. As far as I can gather, I have to stop putting people into conveinent compartments when they dont see things the same way I do. I thought I was being more compassionate than usual when I try to help posters here, but maybe not. I'm still left confused. I could use some help here, what should I be thinking to stop judging people? Everyone knows how harsh I usually am in my posts, so since I dished it out, I can take it. I have no problem with harsh words.
HEG Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Perhaps it would be helpful to open your mind up to acceptance. We are all unique, with our own paths behind us, different stories to tell and we all have a lot to learn from each other. It's okay to compartmentalize people. There are articulate and inarticulate, poor vs. rich, overweight vs. skinny, etc. It's when we are overly critical and harshly judgmental of others for their uniquenesses that we should question ourselves. What makes you so special or better than they? When it all boils down you are left with simple human beings.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 to be honest I find your posts to the point and no nonsense, not particularly judgemental. I don't know. there are a lot of us that get impatient about people. I don't think you can change yourself too much but you can pretend you are not as judgemental. try to think about how to take the edge off a little. practising that would make you think about ways of softening what you want to say
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Listen, first off, I will probably get called a hypocrite, but let's be honest - I have allowed judgement to cloud my view in the past. I think I'm better now, but I still slap people upde head. I don't think being harsh, and being judgemental necessarily go and in hand, however, so consider that there is a difference... Tolerance is also different to acceptance. Tolerance means we put up with something, even though we still don't like it, and at one point, our patience could snap, if a person goes too far, or pushes us out of our comfort zone. Acceptance means giving people the freedom to think, say and do what they feel is true to themselves. we still don't have to agree with it, or take it lying down - but we must allow people to have differing views, opinions, conditioning and needs, desires and cravings, to the extent they so feel is right for them. so when you feel harsh towards someone, stop to consider whether you're being as plain as a pikestaff, or critical to their detriment. And learn to exercise tolerance less, and acceptance, more. from one who struggles with this, every day.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Acceptance means giving people the freedom to think, say and do what they feel is true to themselves. we still don't have to agree with it, or take it lying down - but we must allow people to have differing views, opinions, conditioning and needs, desires and cravings, to the extent they so feel is right for them. this is very good.
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Every single person judges, ever single minute of the day, whether it's to eat that extra portion of stuffing which equates to x number of calories, to who we bring close to us.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 yes, but the question is, whether the judgement is biased, balanced or prejudiced.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 the question is whether you let the other person know. you are entitled to your opinions but you don't need to rub other people's face in it
Author boogieboy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 to be honest I find your posts to the point and no nonsense, not particularly judgemental. practising that would make you think about ways of softening what you want to say Thank you for that. You can see that I wasnt particularly judgemental, but thats what I wouldnt know. I guess I would need some examples to know what not to do. Softening my delivery went from my 1st project to my 2nd project. Im pretty bad here, Im just as bad in person. Gotta work on it. yes, but the question is, whether the judgement is biased, balanced or prejudiced. This is all great stuff. I grew up in a grade school with all the cultures, so I learned early not to stereotype based on race. I learned how to tolerate other cultures and such. That really opened my eyes to people who arent tolerant in that regard, I can see it a mile away. I have to ponder if I stereotype based on other things-or of im prejudiced based on other things. I have to look out for bias. My biggest concern is catching my judgements and what to look out for in terms of what judging people is. Ive never thought about it before and Im really not sure if I know when Im doing it. I have to be on the lookout I guess.
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 yes, but the question is, whether the judgement is biased, balanced or prejudiced.There's rarely a post on LS, that isn't biased.
Trialbyfire Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Everyone is a composite of how they're foundationally raised and also, what their life experiences have been. Therefore, it's impossible to be non-judgmental or to give unbiased advice. For example, a mass murderer. Obviously something missing inside his psychy. Do you say, yes, he's marching to a different drummer, so his behaviour is acceptable?
Yamaha Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I agree with the acceptance theory. We all have opinions and give advice, based on our on personal experiences, but we also need to accept that the person might not agree with our conclusion and that is their judgement. It does no good to browbeat someone into acceptance.
summerautumn Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Thanks for this thread - I never come to this part of LS and it was great to read what questions you posed for yourself and others. With that said, I will offer a completely different view on the topic. I want to lose all judgments and come to full acceptance of the way life IS, but can't say I am there yet. I still have knee jerk reactions when I judge people negatively, and actually I am yet to be fully aware of my "positive" judgments for those are so much more good feeling and socially accepted. I feel they hinder me as well. To be free of judgment to me is to be free of self-judgment. We judge others because we don't accept ourselves. A form of projection, but we are rarely aware that it is. So when I see someone and I automatically think that they are stingy, that is a reflection of me that I Don't want or am not ready to see in myself. So I see it in another, in a feeble attempt to deal with it. But because I am not self aware enough, I only feel a generalized anger at this other supposedly very stingy person, which is only an unrecognized anger towards myself. True acceptance will make me chill about my own stinginess, and will actually shift that in me, and only as a later result I will stop seeing others as stingy. So an all around more peaceful situation that is what it is.
Meaplus3 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Well you know I've always looked at a judgemental person as a person who lacks a sense of inner peace Like they feel the need to pick apart others.. because something is lacking within themselves or within there lives. I have a SIL like this.. she's been that way for years.. and nothing ever makes her happy. I have nothing to do with her becuase of this. Her negative vibes make me feel down. Anway, you might want to look within or simply take a look at your life to find an answer to this one. Good luck. Mea:)
Boundary Problem Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 It just dawned on me that I might be a tad judgemental. I probably do it without much thought (much like my posts), but not realizing what people around me in person might think of me when I do it. I looked at the online personals ad in the other thread and that made me wonder "how bad am I?". I looked up definitions of "judging" people to try to know exactly what Im doing so I can stop...or get out of the habit. This will be my new project on myself. As far as I can gather, I have to stop putting people into conveinent compartments when they dont see things the same way I do. I thought I was being more compassionate than usual when I try to help posters here, but maybe not. I'm still left confused. I could use some help here, what should I be thinking to stop judging people? Everyone knows how harsh I usually am in my posts, so since I dished it out, I can take it. I have no problem with harsh words. Try putting yourself in the shoes of the other person, where you are looking out at the world through their eyes. Feel the emotions they are feeling. And digest their goals and what they are trying to achieve. It is called empathy. If you look on the other person as a specimen and just judge them based on their actions and words, then you have missed the entire dialogue that they have within themselves that they share with few. Usually people are termed "judgmental" when they only have 1/2 the facts yet feel comfortable coming to conclusions. Make sure you have all the facts and try to imagine the other person before you make pronouncements is my advice.
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I try to look at where a person is coming from and see things from that perspective. Right now, I'm not feeling hurt about losing someone I loved, or pining over some MM, or dealing with the pain of an abusive relationship, but I know how those things feel and I try to remember that. But there are times when I think a person is so far off the mark, so self-destructive, it makes me reel. I think in those situations, it's better for me to just be quiet about it because I can cut with words pretty well at times. And then I feel bad about it. I think the more you've BTDT, the harder it is to sit back and watch a person create their own personal train wreck. Still, everyone has to grow at their own pace and that's the thing that's best to keep in mind.
Hot Carl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I beat down my judgmental side by remembering that everyone is doing their best. Maybe I don't agree with their choices. Maybe I'm talented enough to do better than them in the same circumstances. Maybe not. But I have enough to worry about just getting my own stuff right. Thinking I've got it all figured out for everyone else seems to be a bit of a reach. A little humility is required if you really want to be happy in life.
Tayla Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 okay I can say without a doubt I have struggled with the line of Good Ole fashion common sense EXAMPLE: Straying away from a man carrying a gun into a bank, or do I step into his shoes and yell stick em up too! I mean really now, at what point do we use common sense and GOOD Judgment to say , that person is committing an act and I want no parts of it. Sorry empathy gets tossed right out the window on that example. I have no problem diagnosing a persons mental wits and character. It tells us *mentality* we are in good company or with someone who is a danger to themselves or the environment. It has little to do with being JUDGMENTAL. ITs called inner radar. We all have that sense about a person and from that we can guard ourselves wisely. Now a true judgemental ( used most often in a negative connotative way) would say " YOU Are Stupid" Instead of stepping back - rephrasing the matter and state : I consider the statement made one lacking facts or bearing reasonable conclusions. Two entirely separate adult statements. One attacks the Person and generalizes them(Character assasination) , the other statement challenges the persons Thoughts or actions. Bias or not, people have the innate ability to sense things about others.
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 There's rarely a post on LS, that isn't biased. Don't know if this is what you're implying, but I think the question is not solely based around attitudes on LS alone. I think it's a discussion based on all and different circumstances.......
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I still think Tara nailed it with her definition of acceptance. It is probably futile to stop yourself being judgemental in your mind because it is who you are. You can finetune it though by trying to accept as much as you can that others are different (I think this should be easier because this is intellectual rather than emotional). The practice of acceptance in turn will moderate what comes out of your mouth.
Cora Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 You harsh? Hardly! Well, at least what I gather from your posts....I have no idea how you are in real life. You seem to be just brutally honest.
ordinary_girl Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 You harsh? Hardly! Well, at least what I gather from your posts....I have no idea how you are in real life. You seem to be just brutally honest. haha! I thought 'harsh' and 'brutally honest' were the same thing
Cora Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 haha! I thought 'harsh' and 'brutally honest' were the same thing It's all in how the person perceives it I suppose. In my opinion, honesty is never harsh...especially if it's what I need to hear.
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