What is your value system?

[Peitho]

I’ve spent a few months reading random threads here and can’t help noticing that people have very different value systems. It seems almost impossible to take advice from someone whose values are fundamentally different from yours.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

What are your values and do you think they can be changed consciously?

[ordinary_girl]

mine is very simple:

 

1. Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself. Not only because of fear of bad karma but also because you only get as much out of relationships as you put in yourself.

2. Take everything you read on LS with a pinch of salt and don't take advice from strangers you would not like in real life.

[Peitho]

First of all, thanks for your reply.

 

1. Treat others the way you want to be treated yourself. Not only because of fear of bad karma but also because you only get as much out of relationships as you put in yourself.

Funny you should say that, because that is one of mine too. However, after reading some of the threads here, I am beginning to wonder whether this is right. Perhaps we should treat them the way they want to be treated, according to their values. This line of thinking actually prompted my question in the first place.

 

2. Take everything you read on LS with a pinch of salt and don't take advice from strangers you would not like in real life.

Very true

[ordinary_girl]

However, after reading some of the threads here, I am beginning to wonder whether this is right. Perhaps we should treat them the way they want to be treated, according to their values. This line of thinking actually prompted my question in the first place.

 

no, I think you have to be true to yourself and find someone who fits in with what you want and need. you need to compromise a lot in life but not your values. especially when those values are considerate towards others. you can't deny who you are anyway, it is only a matter of time before you get fed up with pretending to be someone else

[Peitho]

no, I think you have to be true to yourself and find someone who fits in with what you want and need.

Oh absolutely!

When it comes to close personal relationships you want to be with people with similar value systems.

No doubt about it.

 

I am talking about other relationships in your life, for example at work. You don’t get to choose who you work it (well, to some extent, but there are many other factors). Or your family.

 

How do you deal with those sorts of significant relationship? Still treat them based on your value system?

[ordinary_girl]

no. work is work. you can't pick the people you work with, you must accept them the way they are. I used to make friends at work, nowdays I try to keep a little distance, maybe focus on 1 or 2 people I can get on with effortlessly (who probably think fairly similarly to me).

 

so I treat colleagues on a less defined 'live and let live' level.

[threebyfate]

My value system is as follows but isn't limited to these components:

1. Code of conduct, which includes integrity and morals, not as defined by any religion or societal conditioning, but as defined by self, which can include portions of "thou shalt not".
   
2. Belief in strong familial relationships and wanting family of your own.
   
3. Belief that true friendships are not disposable.
   
4. Belief in individuality and self-reliance, within reason.
   
5. Belief in marriage, as something of value and to fuel it.
   
6. Belief in personal responsibility for self.
   
7. Belief in respect, courtesy, trust and love, as being the foundation for viable romantic relationships.
   
8. Belief in career and intensity of passion towards it.
   
9. Belief in being well-rounded and that there's never a reason to stop learning and improving on oneself.
   

[Peitho]

Long list.

 

It all makes perfect sense though

[jonebell]

But where can we get these placebos? Maybe there's some in this truck! I'm cured! I mean...ouch.

 

Thanks..

[Malenfant]

complete and total respect and honesty.

trust your heart, and dont be afraid to give love openly.

 

if you cant do all of these things with your partner, you're with the wrong person.

 

If you meet the right person, you will both be able to behave totally naturally, with no need to adjust your behaviour.

 

dont listen to someone outside of your relationship who is judging you, only you know how you feel, and forums can make you feel even worse.

 

The number of threads i've seen where the op starts with a few small concerns, only to be told to divorce. OP comes looking for some helpfull advice, not to be told what to do by some jaded people.

[sadintexas]

Perhaps we should treat them the way they want to be treated, according to their values. This line of thinking actually prompted my question in the first place.

 

This isn't really a new concept. The book, "The Five Love Languages" encourages exactly that.

[ordinary_girl]

This isn't really a new concept. The book, "The Five Love Languages" encourages exactly that.

 

that sounds like manipulation

[Peitho]

This isn't really a new concept. The book, "The Five Love Languages" encourages exactly that.

that sounds like manipulation

 

How is that manipulation?

 

Haven’t read the book, but the concept totally makes sense to me.

[ordinary_girl]

How is that manipulation?

 

Haven’t read the book, but the concept totally makes sense to me.

 

because there is a difference between being thoughtful and expressing love to someone in a way that they appreciate and pretending to have their value system (ie lie). it's important that you remain yourself as a person and that you are honest and sincere. that doesn't mean you can't love someone the way they appreciate it

[threebyfate]

If you can articulate your own value system, it's much easier to figure out what you want in a partner, rather than stumbling around blindly, going through relationship after relationship.

 

Why treat someone else in a way that doesn't hold true to you? Better to find someone who believes in a similar value system so it's intuitive, rather than forced treatment.

 

Relationships shouldn't be projects.

 

For all of you who struggle daily in difficult relationships, love isn't enough.

[Peitho]

To me, treating people the way they want to be treated doesn’t mean that you have to compromise your own value system.

 

It stands to reason to choose a partner who shares your values.

 

However, you have many other relationships, where your ability to choose is limited. Like family, work partners and colleagues or people on the online forum like this one, for example.

 

• You don’t choose your family, but you can still have mutually satisfying interactions with them.
  
• You work colleagues can have values completely different from yours, but you can still form a successful team.
  
• You can still make profitable deals with your business partners even though their value system may even be in contradiction with yours.
  
• You can still take advice (or give one) from someone whose value system doesn’t necessarily match yours, point by point.
  

 

Or not?

[threebyfate]

IME, family have similar values, since most often, you get much of your core values from your foundational years.

 

As for friends, my RL close friends, who I've known for years, also have similar values.

 

Business is different. Results are what counts. People need to take the emotion out of business.

[Peitho]

Yes, but you still need to communicate with those people.

 

Do you treat them the way you want to be treated or the way they want to be treated?

[threebyfate]

If you're talking about "those people" as in communicating with business people, I treat them in a way that gets results, within the boundaries of my personal code of ethics.