My Wife left after 7 years

[2sunny]

seems like maybe something went terribly wrong with her OM and now she's coming running back to her safe haven... you.

 

she thought you would just fix everything and make it all better after she made a mess of things - is this the way your relationship has always been between you two?

[WonderingWhy]

2Sunny ~ The relationship hasn't been always me fixing it. I even ask her last night what made her change so drastically in a 24 hour period. Because less than a day before she said that divorce was the only option. I instantly agreed and said I would file Monday with my lawyer and told her I have come to terms with the fact she isn't coming home. Then suddenly she is willing to do everything in her power to make this work, including giving me access to all of her accounts. Man this is tough to understand. I do know that I said it will take time and that I did not give in to her wanting to move home as I am very very skeptical yet of her intentions. She has a lot of proving to do. I do know that as a word of advice, the second I gave up and made her understand that this is it and I am OK with divorce etc, she then took a step back and wanted to begin her efforts. The next couple of days will be tell tale for her and what she is willing to do to make this work.... It is so odd that only 2 weeks ago I would have given in to anything to have her back, and now the burden of trust is on her now. And the efforts is on her. Ididn't read that book that so many people have talked about, but it seems as soon as you begin to come to terms with everything and begin to move on ALONE, it does help the relationship and yourself. I will keep posting as I am sure that their will be manhy more tough days in this healing process.

[WonderingWhy]

OK today is 3 weeks since she left. Things I feel have been getting better but today will provide many many answers. SHE is supposed to set up our next counseling session, and today she is supposed to forward me all PW to EVERYTHING, I don't want to sound mean but this has to happen. I hope this all works out. But if it dosn't I now understand life is more than just relationships. In the 3 weeks Since she left, I have quit smoking, been at the gym MON-FRI, and have lost 19lbs. I finally feel good about ME which is most important. I am sure their will be many more ups and downs but for now I feel good. We will see as the day wears on how she feels by her actions alone.

[2sunny]

when you asked why the sudden turn around what was her reason for her changes? this is important - if she's not willing to be honest, then there's nothing to work on.

 

 

something happened when her OM showed up in your area - i think you have a right to know exactly what that was... part of her honesty should include exactly what happened there. what happened between them obviously is having an effect on you two - she needs to be willing to share all of it with you if you are ever to consider repairing the M.

 

i think her lack of honesty is killing the healing - if she's not willing to be forthcoming there's little that can be done - and nothing to work towards. she will only have herself to blame for that.

[WonderingWhy]

So yesterday was an interesting one. She called and set up next session with MC, and she forwarded me some pw to accounts. Then last night she came to meet my daughter and I for dinner. She did not have her rings on again. I pointed it out, and she said she had put lotion on and forgot to put them back on. I simply said that she didn't forget to put them on in 7 years of marriage and that was it. Didn't talk to her for the rest of dinner. About an hour after she left, ahe called and apologized about 15 times, I said it didn't matter(which it did) because we were seperated. She said again that she wants to make everything better, and she will do whatever it takes. I do not believe her anymore. All of her actions are the bare minimum or half hearted at best. It seems like she kind of wants this to work out, and will do ALMOST everything it takes. So for now I am no longer going to discuss our marriage. I just don't care anymore, and unless she proves otherwise, I am closed off to the idea of reconciliation. I hope this is the right move.

[sdgreatguy09]

Don't trust what a women says when they are emotional. They lie and hide truths to get what they want or to keep from loosing you while they find something they think they want.

[WonderingWhy]

sd~ I do want to believe that she has some good intentions. They have just been too few and far between to hang a lot of hope on lately. Maybe it will change, I just now know that it seems like she is making all these strides only after I completely give up. Which would make sense about the emotions. Well I guess it is time to draw a line in the sand for myself and once I cross it there is no going back.

[phineas]

Here is the problem I have with all this.

OM got on a plane.

She says he didn't.

 

My STBXW gave me all lines of crap about wanting to work it out when I caught her & saying she was going to get the OM's number blocked on her cell. blah blah blah, lie lie lie, blah blah blah.

 

as soon as she thought she had me back under control she refused to show me her e-mail, cell phone bill ect. & that's when I knew something was up.

 

She came up with every lame excuse you could think of as to why she wasn't going to show me her e-mail or cell phone bill.

 

It was pathetic.

 

Mine changed her mind all too easily also.

But she still signed a 1 yr lease on an apartment.

but she kept saying she hoped one day soon she could move back.

And kept talking like we had a future.

 

The whole time she was still cheating & knew if I found out it would be over.

 

go figure.

 

Get a friend to borrow another friends car she won't recognize & have her staked out.

With a camera.

[WonderingWhy]

So over the past few days my W and I have been talking more, and she gave my pw to all of her sites, email, messenger, fb. This is heping a little, I check frequently to put my mind at ease. I hope this will go away in awhile. The other night I talked to her and she apologized several times for everything and broke down. She said she wanted to move back home, I told her it isn't a good idea yet because we haven't worked everything out yet and she still has to prove she wants this as much as I do. I dont know if this was the right move, but it felt necessary until I know her intentions are genuine. I do not want to be hurt again if her intentions are temporary. So today we have our second MC session(which she scheduled this time) so I am hoping that this will help. Hopefully the next couple of days will be very good for us and maybe it will begin to feel as if we are married once again. Untill then I am continuing my gym trned, no smoking, finances are looking bright, and I am almost completely back in control of my life, with or without her I will be better than ever before. I strongly feel that you have to live without, to know how much it means to live with, the things you want in your life. So her leaving may have been the wake up call I needed to give my life some defenite direction once again.

[Gunny376]

So over the past few days my W and I have been talking more, and she gave my pw to all of her sites, email, messenger, fb. This is heping a little, I check frequently to put my mind at ease. I hope this will go away in awhile. The other night I talked to her and she apologized several times for everything and broke down. She said she wanted to move back home, I told her it isn't a good idea yet because we haven't worked everything out yet and she still has to prove she wants this as much as I do. I dont know if this was the right move, but it felt necessary until I know her intentions are genuine. I do not want to be hurt again if her intentions are temporary. So today we have our second MC session(which she scheduled this time) so I am hoping that this will help. Hopefully the next couple of days will be very good for us and maybe it will begin to feel as if we are married once again. Until then I am continuing my gym trned, no smoking, finances are looking bright, and I am almost completely back in control of my life, with or without her I will be better than ever before. I strongly feel that you have to live without, to know how much it means to live with, the things you want in your life. So her leaving may have been the wake up call I needed to give my life some definite direction once again.

 

Outstanding post!

 

Through it all?

 

Marine boot camp, the "Mote-Ditch" obstacles courses, Jungle warfare, mountain warfare, desert warfare training I heard one set of words?

 

"Don't quit! Don't give up on yourself!"

 

Damn allergies!

 

That's the "word!

"Don't give up ON yourself!"

 

Don't let others down!

 

BUT DAMN IT!

 

DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!

 

ALWAYS HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF, THROUGH YOUR TRIALS AND TRIBULAIONS, NEVER LET OTHERS down BUT NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER GIVE UPON FAITH Of YOURSELF!

 

To thy own self?

 

If I speak another word in this life ~ I tell you to live life large and to its top!

 

I tell you live is for living here and now!

 

I tell you to either get busy life to its top and to its fullest!

 

I will tell you that the time for living is here and now!

 

Now is the time to embrace!

 

Now is the time to say I'm sorry for the wrong I"ve done because of my short-comings!

 

Now is the time to say, I'm sorry for my failures and that I fell short of your expectations.

 

Now is the time to mend fences!

 

Now is the time to pick up that phone!

 

Now is the time to write that letter.

 

Now is the time to express what your feeling before you crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11

 

Now is the time to express your last minutes thoughts before your crashed into the Hudson.

 

Now is the time before he/she shipped out to Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, Haiti wherever God sends them.

 

Now is the time to hold them, hug them, cherish them..............................

 

And yes!

 

Honor them!

 

Be true!

 

SemperFi

 

[Gunny376]

It was NEVER about me?

 

It was all ABOUT them!

 

And if they never understand that ~ EVER?

 

I'm OK with that ~ Because I can go to my grave knowing I gave my best! I gave all I had to give, and I gave 110%+

 

"Ask not what your country can do for you? But what you can do for your country!" ~JFK

 

"Some gave their all, all gave some!"

[WonderingWhy]

So after beginng MC and seeming like things were going ok, My wife left for good now. Over the past 2 or so weeks we have been to dinner and talk regularly about her moving back home. She told me just 2 days ago that she plans to be back home within a month or so. I asked her then how we were going to make that happen and what I/we needed to change before she felt comfortable again. Her answer was always "I don't know exactly". It has been a tough road so far and now is only getting tougher. Well then last night she was as my home to stay with my daughter while I went to work, as she has done the past couple of weeks, and we argued over her hiding her phone again. She then threw it at me and said, it's ridiculous that you want to see it. I explained it was necessary to see if the OM was still in contact and that by letting me see it and find nothing it would help with rebuilding trust. But i justgave it back to her and said if she wasn't comfortable that I wouldn't look. Then she said..... I am taking or daughter(which she legally can't right now because of temp court order) and leaving. She then said she wants the divorce and to file and she will sign. Then it got worse. She went downstairs and began just taking everything, and dumping out baskets and yelling she is done. Then I told her to leave. She wouldn't, and through this our daughter was devestated relizing that our mommy wasn't coming home. Then I had to call the police just to get her to leave to minimize the damage on our daughter. This sucks bad, I realize now that this is probably the end, even though I do not want it too be. There is nothing left that I can do anymore. Maybe I pushed the recon. to fast. I don't know, but it seems hopeless now. Now my question is, is recon. still possible after all this anger? What do I do now to promote it? Or should I just let it go? I want to fight for her, but don't now how anymore. It seems as if it will get ugly now and I do not want that at all. I am lost and hurt even more than before. Where to turn would be a good answer now. Man this i difficult. Will NC/LC help this? Or should I just file for divorce and begin the end of all of this? Before when she left, I had hope... It seems as if all hope is now gone. Please help...

Edited January 21, 2010 by WonderingWhy

[WonderingWhy]

So, real quick today...... I have completely let go(I think). I've actually caught myself being happy since the final blowup the other night. I started talking to more people about what happened over the past 2 months which definately helps. For now being alone with my daughter has been a blessing, just knowing that the W isn't coming home ever has provided some closure for now. I can honestly say that I would not let her back even if she came begging today.. Thanks for reading and any advice for the next chapter would be good....

[phineas]

She blew up like that because she was either still cheating or did not want to take responcibility for her actions.

 

Mine was the exact same way.

 

She spent 3 yrs lieing & cheating to me & knew I knew it.

Yet expected me to just believe her over night when she said the affair was over.

 

I guess the problem is i'm just not as stupid as she thought I was. She was telling me everything I wanted to hear & it seem all to easy all of a sudden when she was fighting tooth & nail for her "friend"

 

I did the right thing by ending it.

 

I believe you did also. Going by the type of behavior she exibited i'd prepare for a custody battle.

[2.50 a gallon]

WW

 

Sad to read your last couple of posts, but at least you now know what is what, no more grasping at straws and you can move on. The good part is you now no longer have to keep looking over your shoulder

 

The up and down ride will continue, and in time it will get better. For now just take it one day at a time and enjoy the time with your child

 

Gallon

[WonderingWhy]

Thank you, Thank you for your responses. As for the custody battle, I honsetly do not feel as if it will be much of a battle. I have been the primary caretaker of my daughter, and am still living in he marital residence. She is living in another school district, left Twice, and has only seen our daughter maybe 19-20 times in the past 3-4 months. Custody is the easy part. The hard part will come when/if she realizes her actions and comes craling back, I just hope to have the stregnth to tell her NO. But for now I am happy,in a good mood, and preparing for the impending divorce. I hope it continues.....

[WonderingWhy]

Also one last thing before work... Reading the responses on here does HELP tremendously...

[phineas]

Thank you, Thank you for your responses. As for the custody battle, I honsetly do not feel as if it will be much of a battle. I have been the primary caretaker of my daughter, and am still living in he marital residence. She is living in another school district, left Twice, and has only seen our daughter maybe 19-20 times in the past 3-4 months. Custody is the easy part. The hard part will come when/if she realizes her actions and comes craling back, I just hope to have the stregnth to tell her NO. But for now I am happy,in a good mood, and preparing for the impending divorce. I hope it continues.....

 

The strength to turn her away does come. also, your best friend telling you he may not be able to kick your ass, but he knows people who can hold me down so he can kick it if I should ever contemplate taking her back also helps a great deal.

[WonderingWhy]

So she just came here to pick up our daughter for the night. I actually handled it fairly well for the first time. I acted happy, did not say a word about marriage, and when she said that she called about an apartment, I said that's good. Even though I wanted to plead again, I didn't. And even though I am not 100% happy when I see her, it feels better that I didn't become that sad sappy person again, and ask her to give it a chance. It feels good... Maybe I am realizing that tis is the final end.... Which is sad but she will not know I feel that way ever again..

[hopesndreams]

Maybe I pushed the recon. to fast. I don't know, but it seems hopeless now. Now my question is, is recon. still possible after all this anger? What do I do now to promote it? Or should I just let it go? I want to fight for her, but don't now how anymore. It seems as if it will get ugly now and I do not want that at all. I am lost and hurt even more than before. Where to turn would be a good answer now. Man this i difficult. Will NC/LC help this? Or should I just file for divorce and begin the end of all of this? Before when she left, I had hope... It seems as if all hope is now gone. Please help...

 

It isn't about what you did/didn't do, what you could have/should have done. She had made the choice long ago but strung you along to get herself set up with someone else. It now looks as though she has achieved this.

 

and when she said that she called about an apartment

 

It won't be long now before the OM falls outta the sky. You played into her hands, but don't beat yourself up about it. The fight instinct is a strong one even when fighting a losing battle.

 

You did right by saying enough is enough. Now you have to follow through. That's a battle you can win. Stick to your guns.

 

I want to fight for her, but don't now how anymore.

 

As long as there is an OM, there is nothing to fight for, you can't compete. Don't even try. Save what is left of your sanity, get custody, and go NC.

[WonderingWhy]

So it is Sunday again.. Tommorow will be week 5 since she has left. Man what a ride so far. I have gone LC with her since last Wed, which has been ok so far. Today has been the most difficult day not to contact her. I can't even explain why, but it is. The only contact we have had was about our daughter. And that was it. Actually she called last night to say goodnight to our daughter and asked to talk to me. She ask about Caitlyn etc, when she could see her and she got really emotional. I quickly got off the phone. I want her so much, but now know the hurt she is capable of. That is the only thing allowing me to continue NC in regards to us. I have begun speaking with a sweet girl that just finalized her divorce in December ( She knows the state that I am in right now). It does make me feel good, but at times I almost feel guilty for not thinking about the wife. But it has certainly helped. ... Trying to stay LC and focus and better my life. And if the W wants to come back ever.... Well let's just say it would take alot...

[Steadfast]

I know it's hard, but do not let your wife's anger affect you or clould the big picture. Just remember the basics; there's no reason to hide if there is nothing to hide. For a recon there must be complete transparency and a 'above and beyond' approach as far as the betrayed spouse goes. If there's any issues; tantrums, cries of unfair demands, etc then out they go. Done.

 

The cell phone thing 'rings' (sorry, couldn't resist) so familiar. Even now, on the odd chance that my ex is around and I see her phone the memory of that damn thing and its role in our split remains vivid. Of course I know it was her but, what a handy tool for cheaters. The texts, the three-hour calls. Unfortunately for her, it exposed lots of lies too. Lies she couldn't deny.

 

Finally, watch the dating too soon. She's a month removed from marriage and you're still married? That's got rebound written all over it. Just know going in that hearts need time to mend and minds need time to clear.

[WonderingWhy]

Steadfast - Yes the cell phone is an unbelievable source of debate since this whole thing began. It was always hiding or forgotten in the car.. Well I'm mostly past that now. Recon will probably not happen now so I'm gonna get busy living.

 

As far as dating- It isn't really dating yet. It is someone that I knew as an acquantince up untill now. She lives close to me but about 2 weeks ago she moved about 10 hours away driving for training, for about 3 months. We just talk, mainly through texts and email. Since she is so far away right now it does provide comfort in knowing that it couldn't become physical too fast, or get in too deep, too fast. Right now it's just someone to talk too, and keep me from calling the W. If the W wanted to make this work I would obv cut off contact entirely. But I do not see that happening, so for now she is the light in my day that I need to keep me from calling the W or being the sad little baby that I hate being.

 

Something funny-- The W just called about 30 minutes ago to see how our daughter was and she asked what we did. I told her we went shopping for household things,(Mostly the ones she took during the police night), and to my suprise she got like angry/sad. She asked why I never did those things before with her:). I simply said that I am now beginning to live outside my comfort level, and then got offf the phone. This whole indeifference approach does seem to work for 2 reasons. It helps to keep your mind clouded with memories all the time and missing her, and the other it seems as if she may be beginning to realize what she has given up.. Either way it feels good:)

[Steadfast]

I do think it is a positive when certain things take place to help restore a bit of your self-esteem. In the case of a cheating wife, it's rising above the mess with your dignity intact. It is a painful process to distance yourself from a broken relationship and let them go. But, whether you reconcile or not, one simply must do this. It's a must. Either way, if you're interested in living a balanced life, it's impossible to do if you live each day as the walking wounded. Like I said above; it's a process, and it isn't for the squeamish.

 

I'm no expert, but I know certain things are attractive. One is confidence. Another is the strength and fortitude to put others first. Married or not, if we have children they are the priority. A person fully grounded in these principles and actions is a decent, honorable person that attracts the same.

 

One day at a time Wondering. In time, you won't be wondering why, but instead why not? =)

[WonderingWhy]

Yes mainly the talking to this new girl, because of lack of physical contact is just a way to get my self esteem back. Once you begin to feel better about yourself it is much easier to live life again, and being a productive human being. I did talk to the W very breifly last night, she seemed sad/angry again, and she said said once again about her possible new apartment. She then said something that sticks in my head........ She said " As of March I will be closer to you(Living Arrangement Wise) so it will be easier for us and our daughter, Unless I shouldn't do that anymore".... WTF does that mean? I told her I think the apartment is a good idea because she dosn't like living with her sister, and it would be a good step for her. Just don't understand why she even said that, of course I would love it to work with her, but I see no way that it could, so her getting a new place is important to her. Did she expect me to beg and plead again? It's not goning to happen. I am OK with moving on without her and getting a divorce. My life will end up good no matter what, I have a business and a bar that I can focus more attention on and become very comfortable again financially, and probably meet someone that will love me and my dughter unconditionally. So this morning, she called again, which she never does. We get up at 630 to get ready for school and my W has to be at work by 7, so she usually never calls. Today she did, I let my daughter answer the phone, and they talked briefly, saying good morning etc, then she ask to talk to me, and seemed sad again. She asked about seeing our daughter tonight, which I am fine with. Through all of our recent conversations she has seemed as if she is second guessing all that she has done, but her pride won't let her come out and say this. If she is expecting me to come begging her again and try to make this all right it isn't going to happen. I am not the one that had EA, I am not the one who left, and I am not the one gave up on our M. I am however after 5 weeks getting on with my life, and I think she is not OK with that.