hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 OH quickly the bomb from today, I contacted OM, he was very suprised as was I to hear his reaction. More on that later. Thanks all. Happy New Year. A very Happy New Year to you as well. Was he the interloper in your M?
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 New Year's day has provided me with the courage to go NC with the wife. I hate that this has to happen but I will give it time to see if/when she will commit to this marriage. But for now I have done everything I can. The OM I contated said they had been talking, then after the conversationwith him, he called her. I guess their contact is still somewhat alive and it secured the fact that he is in fact the other person. Yes well I can't make her want me or her family. This is something that she will have to do on her own. Which I m not holding out a lot of hope for. But I will remain hopeful. Dating isn't an option yet, I am not ready so NC and my daughter are the most important. Dating will not be an issue eventually because I run a bar and when everyone found out about my W possible infedelity, they wanted to make it better. Yes well all in time I guess. I don't know where the future will take me but I am beginning to get excited for the possiblities.
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 NC all the way! Let her find out what life is like without you and hope she enjoys it as much as you do. She has to come crawling back now. Anything less, is futile.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Where to turn. Everything has been seeming to get better with W ans I. We talked normally and continue to be honest about everything. Here is my concern, nothing is being set, nothingis concrete, we have no plan. It only SEEMS as if they are getting better. I am only waiting for the time to come when she says" I went out last night and......... we all know how that one ends. I don't want to give up hope, but I don't want to go trough the pain again. I guess I should just move on now before being hurt for the second time. Yes well I can't emotionally just sit here and wait to see what happens next. I guess maybe I should just end this as much as I don't want too.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 what specific info did you get from the conversation with her OM? is he married, where does he live, how much have they talked - seen each other? what was his plan for the future?
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 OM is about 2000 miles away, and he has childeren there from a divirced marriage. He is seemingliy tied to that area. I don't know about future plans exactly, but I don't know how their could be too many because of location. Also he proclaimed that he was just a friend from HS and that they never dated or anything. He also said that he will not comunicate with her any longer, which I know may in fact, be a half truth at best. But all that being said I did feel somewhat better about that. I just don't know how to consider our future, it seems as if she wanted it to work and be better again she would also be taking aggressive steps towards our future together.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 it seems as if she wanted it to work and be better again she would also be taking aggressive steps towards our future together. and this is exactly why you step back because IF she really wanted things to work - she'd be making huge efforts to make it go in that direction.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) So last night I seen the W to pick up my daughter at a birthday party. She no longer had her wedding rings on. I ask why, and then said, it didn't matter because she left and I had no right. I then told her she had broke the last of my will to even try and make the marriage work. She then followed us to the car started crying, and called 3ish times. I answered one and we talked breifly and she then said again that she didn't know if this could work because of the pain I caused her? I've never been abusive or an achoholic or anything like that, maybe I always didn't give enough compliments and maybe took her for granted, but she always knew I loved her. And I told her that it wouldn't happen in the future. Anyway, she called today -I didn't answer, Then she text, ask how I was, I told her I was fantastic and finally having a good feeling about MY future,(Which is almost entirely true), she seems to be much nicer now. The time I am ready to give up and move on she now wants to TRY? There is no moring trying only doing now. I don't even know if I want things to work anymore, I love her but she has put me in so much pain throughout our marriage, and especially recently has put my daughter and me in pain. What is wrong with me I love the person who caused me the most pain. Well i guess for now I will continue trying to move forward. Edited January 3, 2010 by WonderingWhy
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Although I love and wish my wife to come back home, I can honestly see a future without her now. My daughter and I are fine and slowly getting financials seperated and stable, and I'm not even sure if I would say yes if she wanted to move back home today. We just have alot of differences to work on and not just the ones that she blames me for(which is a lot). Yes well another day has come and gone and it does seem to be getting a little easier. Continue words of wisdom are good and thank you all.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 So it has been a couple days since last post. My wife and I are at least on speaking terms now. She spent the night here last night to stay with my daughter while I had to work, then I got to sleep on the couch. Yes well our first counseling session is scheduled for this friday, I am very nervous yet excited. My wife still says she is hopeful that it will work out with us but isn't certain that it will. What a whirlwind of emotions this has been so far. On a positive I have quit smoking for 7 days so far and have been a regular once again at the gym every morning after getting my daughter to school. Things I guess are looking up. I just don't know how long to wait for her to commit, it would almost be easier to just move on all together but I do love her and I am in love with her more than ever.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 So today we had our first counseling session. It went good for awhile, got a lot of anger and what not out. Then at the end of the session my wife said she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue, and said she wanted to think about it. I am now very upset and angry. So I text her.....I guess it is over for real now. I have tried so hard to at least begin the process and my wife has fought every step of the way. So after I text her I talked to her briefly and she said she wasn't sure anymore. This sucks, is this really how it ends? What do I do now?
seibert253 Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Until she's 100% committed to working on your marriage, any MC is a waste of time and money. IMO I think you should distance yourself and move forward, without her. If she decides to work on your marriage, great. If not, well that's OK too. Give it time. After awhile you will get indiffernet. It is then when it all comes together. You've done all you can. If she's done, she's done. There's NOTHING you can do about it. Right now, you need to work on being the best you, you can be. From reading your prior posts, seems like you are aready doing a great job of that. If not for her, then for the next lady who comes into your life. Yes you need to start preparing yourself mentally and physically for that. It well may come to that.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Seibert - Thank you for responding. Unfortunately it is tough to go through. It didn't really hit me til today that this it. I kind of hope/expected to get on a road to reconciliation. But now i am not so optimistic. I guess keep working on things that I can control and just let her go completely now.
hopesndreams Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 So today we had our first counseling session. It went good for awhile, got a lot of anger and what not out. Then at the end of the session my wife said she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue, and said she wanted to think about it. I am now very upset and angry. So I text her.....I guess it is over for real now. I have tried so hard to at least begin the process and my wife has fought every step of the way. So after I text her I talked to her briefly and she said she wasn't sure anymore. This sucks, is this really how it ends? What do I do now? There is nothing you can do. NOTHING. Stop trying. Once you do that, you will start seeing bits and pieces of the woman you once knew. She's not sure because there is someone else in the picture. That is why MC is a waste of time and money. I'm sorry Wondering, it hurts, I know. But until she gets rid of OM, or the other way around, she is in a different place, someplace where you are not.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 A good friend of my wife's family just told me that the OM got on a plane and was here to see her...he is 100% sure...WTF>>> I am so pissed and sad again. I want this all to be over with. I guess this is how love turns to anger/hatred?
imagine Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 While she is in contact with OM there is NO chance of recovery. You only weapon is massive exposure. Ask people to help your marriage. Confront OM's family as well. Check out articles at Marriage Builders.com and see about restoring your marriage.
2sunny Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 you feel this way... Then at the end of the session my wife said she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue, and said she wanted to think about it. I have tried so hard to at least begin the process and my wife has fought every step of the way. because this is what she actually had planned and didn't want to tell you... A good friend of my wife's family just told me that the OM got on a plane and was here to see her...he is 100% sure...WTF>>> I am so pissed and sad again. I want this all to be over with. I guess this is how love turns to anger/hatred? did you contact her to find out what the heck is going on? set a boundary that is healthy for yourself, then tell her exactly what a farce she is.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 So after a big fight this morning after the OM and the fact that she has lied and hid a lot from me today, she came here to drop off my daughter and said she will do whatever it takes to make this work. I told her emotions can't be turned on and off like a light switch. And now I am not sure if I even want to try. It sucks, but I don't think I can ever trust again. And I am not sure that it will work even if she is commited. A lot of damage has been done. And today was the first day that I told her this and now she wants to make it all work? I don't get it, at all. What should I do? Believe her? Or just coninue to go my own way, and file for divorce on monday? I am no longer angry, just very confused.
2sunny Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 So after a big fight this morning after the OM and the fact that she has lied and hid a lot from me today, she came here to drop off my daughter and said she will do whatever it takes to make this work. I told her emotions can't be turned on and off like a light switch. And now I am not sure if I even want to try. It sucks, but I don't think I can ever trust again. And I am not sure that it will work even if she is commited. A lot of damage has been done. And today was the first day that I told her this and now she wants to make it all work? I don't get it, at all. What should I do? Believe her? Or just coninue to go my own way, and file for divorce on monday? I am no longer angry, just very confused. what is she willing to do? ACTIONS... her actions tell everything. do nothing - SHE is the one that needs to make HUGE efforts... so let her. until her actions make things completely different than they are now - don't do a thing. what happened when the OM arrived? and why do you have your daughter now... so she can run and play while OM is here? personally i think she's just full of more lies - to keep you quiet so she can play with her OM while he's here. if you're quiet, and you believe her lies of reconciling - you won't bother her while he's visiting...
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 9, 2010 Author Posted January 9, 2010 (edited) 2 Sunny ~ The OM isn't here right now, She is telling me he never came. She did say that SHE will call for couseling and that she will show everything again including phone, accounts, etc. I will believe that when she actually does it all. I am not going to do anything untill she tries, and tries hard. I am rather jaded now, and not even sure I want her back. And I definately do not want her to move back here any time soon. She actually just called and said she wants to be together again and that SHE will make it work. If only words were actions. She wants to come over tonight and do something as a family again. I don't think this is a good idea yet. She dosn't agree but I will not give my daughter anymore false hope. Edited January 9, 2010 by WonderingWhy
2sunny Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 keep her at bay. she hasn't earned anything yet, much less the privilege of your company. i wouldn't believe anything she says... including anything about the OM. what SPECIFICALLY did she say that made her change her tune? do not see her... i think you shouldn't even be talking with her now, except to exchange time with kids. she will take you on her emotional roller coaster ride - don't do it.
Trimmer Posted January 9, 2010 Posted January 9, 2010 A good friend of my wife's family just told me that the OM got on a plane and was here to see her...he is 100% sure... So the OM comes and visits, and then: She actually just called and said she wants to be together again and that SHE will make it work. If only words were actions. I wonder if reality intruded and burst the fantasy bubble. Did he break it off with her? Did she hit bottom when she realized what she was really doing? I wonder if she wasn't honest with him in their initial contacts, about teh state of her marriage, family, etc. Maybe partly why, as you mentioned, he was so surprised when you called? Did he let on to any of that? Is your information that he was here really at 100% confidence? Call him up again and don't ask "were you here?" Ask "why were you here?" Put some pressure on him: "Do you realize that you are the primary reason that <wife's name> is about to break up her family and damage her relationship with her daughter?" Make sure he understands your reality, as he may have been told anything by her. And don't take anything he says in reply at face value; be strong: she may well have lied to him, or have retold her story in a way that paints her as the beleagured saint, and painted you with a bad brush... As a matter of fact, if he does come back with some of that kind of stuff, just laugh it off, but file it away, because it will tell you something more about her, and how she's interacting with him. So don't engage him in a fight or start defending yourself as a husband - just put the pressure on him, and let him know how reality looks from your side. Burst the fantasy bubble.
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 Trimmer ~ I have tried to contact OM again, but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. I tried calling and e-mail. I just want to know the truth or at least as close to the truth as possible. And as for her reasoning, I truly she has hit rock bottom with what she has done. She was terribly upset today and said she wants to come home. I said no, not until her actions catch up with what she has been saying. She said they will, I guess I wait to see again. And even if they do I am not sure this will work out at all because of how much she has lied and hidden things. Not sure anymore? It did feel good that she has said all this but now I just don't know. If she does nothing I will know, and if she changes everything, I will have a decision. Tommorow is another day, tommorrow and Monday will be critical in her making changes. We will see.
2sunny Posted January 10, 2010 Posted January 10, 2010 i think you have a LOT of things that you need to know... why the sudden change for starters? what the heck happened?
Author WonderingWhy Posted January 10, 2010 Author Posted January 10, 2010 I question the sudden chages as well..... I even ask but she had no solid explanation, just that she wants to make it work. I hat to sound or be synical but I don't believe her whole heartedly.
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