hopesndreams Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I don't think the OM is who you think he is. You sent her that text and she called back right away. You mention who this OM is, and she is relieved that it is not who you think he is. Tells you there will be no more contact with him and can prove it! Who else can it be? Have you done a search through her belongings? Think. Before she left, what changes in her personality were there?
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 I am pretty sure. She never metioned him at all and then messenger name matched fb name. Everything seems to fit, I never mentioned a name, just vague facts and she did the rest of the talkig which confirmed what I had thought. Actually the person from the messenger has is IM adress listed somewere and it all matched perfect.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 So today is a new day again. I almost feel guilty today. Things seem to be going better with us, but I want to remain focused on why this happened. She left 3 days before Christmas, NOT me. I am getting some finances in order as it is sure to be a bit of a struggle. I want to make sure I comfortably afford my lawyer for our custody and get the home mortgage in order. So many things I wasn't worried about only 1 week ago. She seems as if she wants to try, but for what reasons. Because of love, or because she is simply scared. So many questions. I am on an emotional upswing right now, I am sure it will end soon again, but the desire to focus and position myself and daughter good for the future is on my mind today. Thanks and anymore reccomandations would be good. I will continue to post as things come about.
nobmagnet Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 glad you are having a more positive day. I felt better once I realised I could manage without worm. I have to sell our home but thats ok with me. Its too big and expensive to run. Doing jobs like finance is hard but rewarding when you have a plan. It takes the pressure off to know wether they come back or not you will be ok finacially. keep it up! x
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Thank you, thank you. It has been an absolute nightmare thus far. But wether we get back together or not, I now know that I want her in my life and will do evrything to make that happen, but if that isn't my future I will be ok. I am glad I am at this point. I don't want to become resentful, and shut her out. But it seems as if they almost go hand and hand. I need to either work it out with her or move past her. I hate to move past her too quickly but I really can't live like this anymore.
nobmagnet Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 yep just make sure you and you girl are safe. If she comes back so be it....if she dont....well nothing changes. WIN WIN. Same goes for you too. Make you as content as you can. She has done her worst and cant hurt you anymore than she already has.....time to make your life a good one. doing the things you like to do. Enjoy the things and the person you were before her. It gets kinds fun when you start trust me! x
2.50 a gallon Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 WW I am with H&D, there appears to be a missing piece to the puzzle. Why would a mother walk out on her child 3 days before Christmas, for a possible EA with a former HS friend who lives 2,500 miles away? Then without an argument remove all contacts. Could this be a diversion, to keep you off the scent of the real OM? It just doesn't pass the smell test. Be wary Luck to you, I hope it works out.
phineas Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 WW I am with H&D, there appears to be a missing piece to the puzzle. Why would a mother walk out on her child 3 days before Christmas, for a possible EA with a former HS friend who lives 2,500 miles away? Then without an argument remove all contacts. Could this be a diversion, to keep you off the scent of the real OM? It just doesn't pass the smell test. Be wary Luck to you, I hope it works out. I agree. When my wife told me her affair was over And she wanted our marriage to work it seemed too easy & I was suspicious of that. Her claiming she tried to get his number blocked on her cell ect. When just a week before she fought tooth & nail to keep her "friend" in her life. I had suspician he was in on the faked "break-up" between them. I was correct. There is something else going on. She should be in her house with her kid right now. I think she is stalling for time while she figures out what to do.
2sunny Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 i agree it is someone else besides the HS buddy. i think it is someone close to your area, otherwise, why move out? she would only move out in order to gain more time and freedom to see someone else - makes more sense that he's close to where you are. someone at her work? i think it is... you need to check further, there's more she's not willing to tell you. start digging!
phineas Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 i agree it is someone else besides the HS buddy. i think it is someone close to your area, otherwise, why move out? she would only move out in order to gain more time and freedom to see someone else - makes more sense that he's close to where you are. someone at her work? i think it is... you need to check further, there's more she's not willing to tell you. start digging! Correct. she doesn't need her own place to IM someone 2500 miles away. She could still do that from home when you arn't around.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 This all sucks again. She came here tonight said that she cannot go to retreat, but said couseling and maybe retreat in Feb. I am sick to my stomach hanging on her every action. I am DONE. Well at least I hope I am. My lawyer is confident in retaing full custody, and thats that i guess. She said that she wanted it to work and wanted to try, but actions haven't followed. I can't live like this. Now the question do I tell her this and piss her off. Or do I just withdraw completely? This is a ****ty existance. I hate it. OM or not I can't keep believing it was all my fault and I have to make it all better.
hopesndreams Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 She knows how you feel with regard to wanting her home and working on the M. She's stalling for time because the plans with OM are not in place and wants you as back up in case things go pear-shaped with him. No need to say anything else or letting her in on how you're feeling. Time for her to wonder eh? Drop all contact unless it has something to do with the child. End of. Do not engage her for another second about anything do with her, you and the situation. Keep her guessing. Get your ducks in a row.
JaneDoe35 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Take the advice offered by hopesndreams. Minimal contact will help you regain a little strength to face each day and each new development. I am so sorry you are being messed around so much. That was incredibly low of her to change her mind about the retreat. Don't give her the power to hurt you again in that way. I wouldn't tell her anything, just withdraw. You have said everything that needs to be said for now.
phineas Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 minimal contact is the answer. It takes time, but limited contact, being home alone sucked massively. But it also made me miss all the stress & BS & lieing & all the other crap she put me through & then I realized I didn't miss it at all. And that I didn't really need her. I think I hung on so long for the kids. They were only 1yr old & 3yrs old. I so wanted them to grow up in a home with both parents. But, the kids will be fine. Their resilient.
sumdude Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 This all sucks again. She came here tonight said that she cannot go to retreat, but said couseling and maybe retreat in Feb. I am sick to my stomach hanging on her every action. I am DONE. Well at least I hope I am. My lawyer is confident in retaing full custody, and thats that i guess. She said that she wanted it to work and wanted to try, but actions haven't followed. I can't live like this. Now the question do I tell her this and piss her off. Or do I just withdraw completely? This is a ****ty existance. I hate it. OM or not I can't keep believing it was all my fault and I have to make it all better. Sorry you're going through this it does suck to have someone else jerking your heart around. I went through similar things with my ex wife during the early stage of separation. I set up counseling, she would cancel last minute. She would hint at things, throw me a few crumbs of maybe then shoot me down. All you can do is concentrate on yourself. Right now it's all about you. She is pretty much out of the picture unless she makes big and obvious moves towards working on the marriage. You probably can't withdraw from her 100% you must withdraw as much as possible. Find things you used to do and enjoy that you stopped because of the relationship. Find friends you can hang out with, find new friends. Get good sleep (yeah tough at the moment but try). Get exercise and eat well. Do what it takes to keep your mind off of her.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 So the daily emotions are biginning to somewhat level off which is a good step to regaing control in my life as a whole. It sucks because I feel we have made some"progress" towards healing our damaged marriage, but it has all come from my end so far. I am affraid that when I stop it all will stop. I expressed this to her yesterday and her response was as always" I will now take on the responsibility of taking steps toward making this work". To date I havn't seen any steps. So for right now I guess I am in limbo. Still wanting to try but knowing that I cannot do this all one sided. So she said we should go to dinner tommorow(New Years) just us and talk. I want to accept this as a step in the right direction, but am fearful that it will only be another let down. I do not want the entire conversation to be about the repeat issues we have already discussed. Maybe just go there and take it lightly so that she realizes that we as a couple can still have a good time together. Afterwards it is back home to spend the rest of New Year's with my daughter. Seems odd to be uncertain about the new year and future as a whole. The more I type I almost want to call off dinner and let her fall to the state I have been in lately. ie upset crying etc. I guess that is just sellfishness talking. 7 years of happiness all to be dashed in an instant. I still find it hard to deal with.
hopesndreams Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Perfect opportunity to turn down the pity New Years dinner and show her what you're made of. She's throwing you crumbs, throw them back, otherwise, this kinda stuff will just go on and on. This doesn't mean that you have given up. This is what the fight is all about. Giving up is going on that dinner just so you can feel better for a few hours.
2sunny Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 i wouldn't go to dinner. that's like pretending that things are ok when they're not. she needs to show changes - big changes and big effort before you reward her bad behavior by taking her out for a pretend dinner. what does she do all day long... what hours does she work? i'd follow her for a day and evening or pay someone else to do it. new years eve- she's bound to make some contact with the person she's seeing - even small contact by cell, email or IM - if not in person. she's totally treating you as plan B - the OM must not be in town for NYE. maybe set her up to babysit while you go out with "friends" for the evening. place a nanny camera in the house to monitor her every move, meanwhile keeping track of her whereabouts for this evening. if she declines babysitting - you know she has other "plans." if nothing else - she gets the idea that you aren't sitting home waiting for her - don't tell her what you're doing or where you're going - just go. go to the movies or a gathering with friends... but tell her nothing.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 I (against most advice) just sent her an email. It basically said that I want the romance back between us and to fix things that have been lacking. I then said the only reason that I can see this from a differant perspective is because I have had the opportunity to lose her and part of myself. I also said that although I want to text her and find couselors etc, I can no longer do that because I do not know if she is ready. I have conflicting advice to put it on her but I need to know also that she is ready for a change for the better. I can't keep being the only one hurting and wanting to make this better. So basically it was my way of telling her that I am limiting contact and no longer will be placed as an after though in her mind. I can't wai to heat the response. It probaly will be nothing of any depth so I am not hoping on a chage anymore. That being said I believe that dinner is out for tommorow as I do not even want the emotional up then down that will accompany that. Thank you all again for your words of wisdom and compation. I am hoping to stay strong through this next chapter.
DenverBachelor Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 You need to get more assertive here and find out what is really going on. If that involves dropping your daughter off at grandmom's for the weekend, then so be it -- but you're basing a lot of your actions and plans on incomplete information. She's buying time right now. This is your wife and your marriage here. The fact that she can't get some time off work to go to a marriage retreat is bull****. Her marriage, her husband and her daughter should be the most important things in her life. They're obviously the most important to yours -- so why isn't she just as concerned? If she says she wants to make this work, that's great -- but it sounds like she's saying and doing just enough to buy more time while things go on behind the scenes. Things you aren't even aware of. Absolutely find out what's going on. Figure out where she is spending her time when she's not with you. She's still your wife, right? At this point, I'd look for evidence of infidelity and keep the evidence between you and your lawyer because this looks like it might come down to a custody battle and turn ugly fast. All the best.
seibert253 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Get ready for the 2X4, 'cause it it comes: Grow a pair, be the stong accertive guy women want. You need to stop all this back and forth wishy washyness. It pretty simple. Not easy, but simple: Cancel your dinner plans. When you do, tell her she does not seem commited to repairing the damage SHE caused. Acknowlege your mistakes, then outline the changes you've made. Tell her you are 100% committed to making this work, but she does not appear to share the same commitment. Last; tell her that because of this, your contact with her will be limited, and your focus will be on healing you, and moving on. That's it. If she truly wants to come back, she will, sooner rather than later. If her attitude and commitment doesn't change for the better, well then, you've got your answer. You need to redirect your focus from having her come home, to you moving forward. Check around here, do your homework. I hate to break this to you, but once they leave, the majority of them never come back.
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Whaaaaa! You need to go NC ~ not just LC. She had her chance and now its time to give someone else a shot at what you've got to give them and offer them. People want what they can't have and want what others want. As soon as she See's that you've moved on and have "Man'ed Up" and she's at risk of losing your to another(s)? She might ~ just might come to her senses. Right now she's got you nibbling out her hand like a little lap dog. Reach down and grab a pair. There's no shortage of women (nor men for that matter) I've got a friend of mine, who is a foreman at the plant where I work. Age 48, has and owns his own home, got everything that he wants and needs. Multiple cars. Works out at the gym 5X's a week. For a guy who only has a HS degree, been married and divorced once, and is a black man living in rural Alabama ~ he's doing really well for himself. He was up in Montgomery several years back pulled in to gas up. She caught his eye ~ he caught her as they were pumping gas. They exchanged words, flirted a little bit, she passed him her business card. He didn't think much about it, until he found it in between the seats while cleaning out his car. To tell a long story short, she's got a lot going on for herself, owns several rental properties, owns her own business, owns her own home, is a high ranking commissioned officer in "some part" of the military reserve She told him ~ "If you can find someone that's got more to offer you than I have? You deserve them and they deserve you!" BTW! For 48 (Looks 32) she's drop dead gorgeous, educated, intelligent, is an "Old Fashion type gal" in shape, can run my butt into the ground and mixes a mean martini. My point is? As has been pointed out over and over again! Reclaim your life. Identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement. I can't remember if it was Jmargel or RRosster ~ but when a woman threatens to walk out on you? That's all well and good! But once I hear the slamming of that door? There's no such thing as coming back! (Ladies! That applies to you as well?) I don't care if that's one second afterwards.
sumdude Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I can't remember if it was Jmargel or RRosster ~ but when a woman threatens to walk out on you? That's all well and good! But once I hear the slamming of that door? There's no such thing as coming back! (Ladies! That applies to you as well?) I don't care if that's one second afterwards. Amen Gunny! Someone wants 'space'? There's plenty of it outside the door!
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I have had a pretty good day. Last night my wife and I talked about how to work through this and possibly get our marriage back on track. It went like most others and ended with no resolve. Somewhere in the conversation I said the words I have always feared " I think it's time we file for divorce". I don't even know where it came from but once it is said there is no turning back. Her jaw dropped, I don't feel as if everything that she has done up until now would affect her life in a negative manner like this. I wanted her to know for the first time how I felt, and I am not going to be drug around by her forever and since there probably isn't a whole lot of hope we must go down this path. I am a changed person, I know my flaws through my life and marriage, and I also know they cannot change overnight, but I will be a better person because of this experience. I am excited at times for the future and scared others, I guess time will make it all better. The toughest thing through this has been knowing I HAVE to talk to her because of our daughter. If it were just her and I, I could take a more assertive approach and not even think it was bad. I have always felt that if someone wants to leave, then leave. But my daughter deserves better than that. A lot better. So as it is NYE I am going to spend this one with just my daughter, her and I will do something special to ring in the new year. It is amazing that through adversity you can prioritize your life with so much ease. 2010 I hope will be just about my family, daughter, parents, and me. I am only 30 and this will be another of life's many learning experiances. OH quickly the bomb from today, I contacted OM, he was very suprised as was I to hear his reaction. More on that later. Thanks all. Happy New Year.
2sunny Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 you have no idea if this is the REAL OM yet. follow her - or pay to have her followed on a night such as NYE. as far as contact - just allow her to text ONLY... and commit to your replies to her with 3-4 words or less... allowing her very limited answers. these might look like - yes, no maybe, maybe later, that doesn't work, thanks, get back to you, not now, that's a no, i'll give it thought, etc...
Recommended Posts