My Wife left after 7 years

[WonderingWhy]

It is odd beacause she has changed all pw for her accounts. But today after IM #2 from a different person she said they were friends from HS etc etc. I ask why after all these years did you suddenly find a need to talk to them through IM and then even hide it. She continually said it was just friends and that she still needs time(it has been 1 week, the worst week of my life) to figure it all out. I said that is impossible to move toward repair if you continue this behavior, even if it is innocent. After this she deleted many friends from her FB and deleted messenger(I think). Does this means she wants to try or simply just trying to smooth over? I then ask if we could possibly sit down and review the cell bill and phone numbers once a month or so. She said that defeats the purpose of needing space. I mean it seems as if she is making small steps. I just don't know. I don't want to push too hard if there is hope, but I don't want to be drug along if there isn't. Maybe 1 week isn't enough to tell. I just don't know.

Edited December 27, 2009 by WonderingWhy

[2sunny]

It is odd beacause she has changed all pw for her accounts. But today after IM #2 from a different person she said they were friends from HS etc etc. I ask why after all these years did you suddenly find a need to talk to them through IM and then even hide it. She continually said it was just friends and that she still needs time(it has been 1 week, the worst week of my life) to figure it all out. I said that is impossible to move toward repair if you continue this behavior, even if it is innocent. After this she deleted many friends from her FB and deleted messenger(I think). Does this means she wants to try or simply just trying to smooth over? I then ask if we could possibly sit down and review the cell bill and phone numbers once a month or so. She said that defeats the purpose of needing space. I mean it seems as if she is making small steps. I just don't know. I don't want to push too hard if there is hope, but I don't want to be drug along if there isn't. Maybe 1 week isn't enough to tell. I just don't know.

 

why are you asking her permission? get the cell bill and look it over! she's not going to show you anything except what won't incriminate her.

 

find out yourself and quit acting like you need her to hold your hand at every turn... you need to get busy finding out and you're ruining your chances of getting info that will tell you the truth.

[WonderingWhy]

why are you asking her permission? get the cell bill and look it over! she's not going to show you anything except what won't incriminate her.

 

find out yourself and quit acting like you need her to hold your hand at every turn... you need to get busy finding out and you're ruining your chances of getting info that will tell you the truth.

why are you asking her permission? get the cell bill and look it over! she's not going to show you anything except what won't incriminate her.

 

She changed the pw for the cell phones as well. I get the paper copy at home but it usualy dos't provide a breakdown of the bill. The reason I suggested doing it together is so that we can have better communication and deal with things as they come. Not let them fester. I even suggested a "date night" and mkng time for just us outside of our family. This has been neglected for some time. And I keep getting the same response "let's just get through" whatever event is next..I am so sad today and don't know where to turn anymore.

[2sunny]

why are you asking her permission? get the cell bill and look it over! she's not going to show you anything except what won't incriminate her.

 

She changed the pw for the cell phones as well. I get the paper copy at home but it usualy dos't provide a breakdown of the bill. The reason I suggested doing it together is so that we can have better communication and deal with things as they come. Not let them fester. I even suggested a "date night" and mkng time for just us outside of our family. This has been neglected for some time. And I keep getting the same response "let's just get through" whatever event is next..I am so sad today and don't know where to turn anymore.

 

have the bill changed to show the details. have them send you a new copy showing all of it.

 

or just go online and see if you can access all the info there by setting the acct up online.

[floridapad]

She is most definately having an EA. How deep that EA is who knows but before it gets too deep you may want to consider some real marriage counseling since she is still "open" to it. Don't do regular MC. She is only doing it to go through the motions. You must do a weekend retreat to have a real impact. Retrovouille or marriage builders is the way to go. Regular MC is not intensive enough in these situations.

[WonderingWhy]

Wow, so I just sent her a message and ask if she was open to the idea of a marriage retreat as suggested. She immediately said how much does it cost and expressed some other concerns. After that she seems as if she is open to the idea. Will this help? this is all new to me? As far as the EA i believe it hasn't gone too far yet. I believe that this person is out of state and she wanted to be made to fell important again. At least I hope that's what it is. What a rolercoaster this has all been. Any advice or direction is much appreciated.

[2.50 a gallon]

WW

 

Do not under estimate the power of an EA! It does not matter if the OM is across the street, across the nation or across the ocean, he is emotionally sucking up the love that your wife should be giving to you and your child. Think of him as an computer virus in your relationship. It is obvious that they are already emotionally attached. He is playing your wife's emotions, and the two of them are making plans for the future, so that he can get into her pants. Most EA's given a chance and time will turn PA's. Sorry to be so blunt.

 

That is why she is trying to hide the contacts.

 

Replay: As long as the OM is sucking the love away from your relationship MC will accomplish nothing

[WonderingWhy]

So my wife just left after dropping off my daughter. It was odd. She came in, talked breifly about their day and then walked in the wash room and did some of our laundry. Unreal the emotions this is causing, Hopeful and Sadness all at once. I then ask her about the marriage retreat, she said it is a good idea and she will try to get off of work that weekend. I guess we will see tommorow if she commits to this. She then gave hugs and kisses to our daugher and even gave me hug, and almost cried. I just do not know what to make of this. Are her feelings valid, or just a continued coverup? I feel that I am hanging on every action that she makes, and I hate it. I have never been like that before. So all this being said thoughts would be good. I just don't know. I want to feel good about progress today, but I am so scared to be let down again, as one of these falls is sure to ruin everything. She again told me all contact with suspicious persons have been ceased, and she truly wants to work on getting this all figured out and move back in. What should I do next?

[hopesndreams]

She was still able to turn her back and walk out that door, leaving behind you and her daughter. Did she almost cry when hugging you or you almost cried when she hugged you?

[WonderingWhy]

She got choked up and teared a little.

[hopesndreams]

You got a long, tough road ahead. Going on the retreat while there is still an OM is a waste of time and money. I'd be very surprised if she is able to get the time off work. I'd also be looking for someone in her workplace that she is getting cozy with.

[snake2009]

I relate to you buddy.

 

Find my post - read it.

 

Lets just say, I think it MAY give you some perspective of how your situation may develop depending on the man you are..

 

But most of all..

 

1 REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE

2 REMEMBER WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN

3 REMEMBER YOU HAVE A CHOICE

 

Peace & chin up.

[WonderingWhy]

I have read everything so far and it seems so far that all contact has been halted between her and other"friends". I am remaining suspicious but am trying to believe that there is hope for us to be a family again. I am going to try and sleep(which has been at a minimum) tonight and see what tommorow has to offer. Tommorow we(Daughter and I) are going to try and get back on track. Even though she is gone and I am typing this from our lonely bed, I am hopeful for the future. I am sure to post several more things tommorow as it happens. Thank you all for insight so far, it has helped a lot. Please keep responding as this my lifeline right now until I can get back some normalcy in out lives.

[sotagoon]

She is scared of losing her daughter and the security you provide. She may very well come back for those reasons but they are not enough for her to stay put. If she were to go back to you tomorrow with promises that she does not follow through with, it will only be a matter of time until she sets herself up for leaving you permanently.

 

Wonder......I don't want to sound as though I am insensitive...but you will be in for a ride like me..or so it sounds?????

 

My girlfriend walked after 5 years to come back 2 months later....she was present, but not invested like before......she then decided to leave again after 12 months....only to be gone for 10 months..."I need space" among other reasons.......she was then back and present for almost 2 years (the last 6 months going through chemo, surgery and radiation / all the while I was there and completely committed to her recovery and health)...only to take off for another guy on the last day of her radiation...8 weeks ago.

 

I wish you the absolute best...and hope you can somehow regain your family....I just wanted to give you a first hand experience I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 

She's getting scared. It isn't at the stage yet where she is realizing what she could be losing, your love and life together as a family. The greener grass is her priority right now and if that means putting it on hold til a better time, then that's what she will do.

 

In my case.....the reasons that brought her back each time....she needed a free ride and place to live while finishing nursing school.

 

The first time...the OM wasn't available for her.....and the second time.....the OM decided to stay the course and get married 4 weeks after she came back to me.

 

 

I was in tears earlier tonight...thinking about losing the love of my life and when i read your post.....I almost immediately stopped and realized how I'm not the only one that this happens to......please tread lightly and protect yourself and your daughter.

 

I will pray for you and your family tonight before I retire to bed.

I will be following your thread...and will help in any way I can if possible.

 

 

 

"May the road rise for you and may you have the wind at your back""

Edited December 28, 2009 by sotagoon

[2.50 a gallon]

WW

 

Remember in conversing with her, WAW's lie. Repeat that a dozen times, it get it through your head she might not be telling you the truth. Do not believe everything she says. Take it with a grain of salt.

 

Also there could be other reasons that she is doing the laundry. My GF uses it as a waly to destress. It keeps her mind busy. We have a great relationship and if makes her happy to wash and fold my clothes.

 

Most of the posters here have not seem many M's recover, so are always on their guard and are expecting the worse.

 

Who knows slhe might be feeling true remorse an searching for a way back, you could be one of the first.

[WonderingWhy]

I Don't know what today will bring but i guess we will see. At moments through this so far I have experianced such emotional high and lows. I don't know if things will work out, but I want to believe there is some hope. She is seeming to do some of the things to move us in that direction, but it is simply too early to tell. I keep posting with a very heavy heart wondering how long this will go on.

[snake2009]

She is seeming to do some of the things to move us in that direction, but it is simply too early to tell. I keep posting with a very heavy heart wondering how long this will go on.

 

I wonder if somewhere there is a womans manual to making your man extremely distresed and hurt.

 

I am going through the exact same situation right now mate and im focusing on the house, children, studying, church and films mostly as there isnt much spare time for myself to go out.

 

Find something, anything, I've moved my DVD collection from disc's to my external hard drive and have enjoyed it immensely - its taken a few months to do and get it all just right but i'm so pleased, small steps as they say - sounds rather silly to others but its a project i did and completed, i repaired a hole in our ceiling that had been there for months, sorted out the cupboard from hell - lol, re-arranged our most untidy room and turned it into a functional, peaceful study area, keep ACTIVE, look at your life and find something that needs attention, then go at it.

 

We're out there mate, you are NOT alone.

[mark982]

ww. it's monday morn,good time to drop her from any access to your financies. she wants time--give her all the time she wants,but why should you pay for it? her car in your name? take it back,etc. your going to have to play hardball here. make her see there's reactions to her actions.

[WonderingWhy]

Today my daughter and I are heading out to get away from the house for a little. It has certainly been an uphill road so far. I remain hopeful but gaurded. Time to make some changes so that if this doesn't work we can be prepared for the last fall. Please post as by the time I get home I will almost certainly need some more things to read to get my mind in order to continue to move forward....

[nobmagnet]

hello

 

hope you had a great time away from home nice to haear you call it home and not a house...........BIG difference.

 

Keep your emotions in check if you can. And as everybody rightly said keep busy with hobbies ect you have more time now to indulge in you. Dont feel selfish as when you havent got your daughteryou time is yours.........fill it.

 

I have custody of my children I wouldnt want it any other way but every other weekend he has the children. I plan a night or two out....buy the saturday papers to read in bed on sunday with a bucket of tea........I buy myself new clothes....I do the kind of things I missed when I had children. GUILT free!!

 

sorry if its no help but while your waiting for her to make her mind up you may as well have some fun

 

neet xx

[WonderingWhy]

So today has been good so far. Wife called on her lunch, seemed normal and optimistic. She said retreat seemed like a good idea, and it should probably help. I can't wait to hear if she can get off work or not. Now a question......... Through this she has changed all pw etc. However I still have access to her email, messenger and limited access to fb. That being said I would like to state she has no reason to believe that I have these things. Yesterday she deleted mess. contacts, and deleted fb friends. Seems she is trying to cut ties? Maybe? She did all of this and knew I couldn't check it. So seemingly did it for her? At least that is what I hope anyway. She didn't even tell me she did this. How will I ever no for certain that there is no more contact? Trust is going to be hard to come by after all this. But do I try to trust? I don't know. I am still very gaurded but hopeful..

[silic0ntoad]

Don't trust hope. And don't listen to your heart, the heart lies. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, my friend!

 

Ok, so here is my advice. Stop the bullsh*t. Don't take anything she says with anything less than a burglar's suspicion. She is having an affair.

 

Hire a PI. She may have someone at work, in her friend's neighborhood or across the globe. We'll never know.

 

You need to stop ignoring the signs and looking for scraps of attention. Dig. The signs and evidence of the affair are there, scattered, but there. Get copies of the phone bill. If she uses the home PC, install a keylogger so you have access to all of her IM's, FB, etc. Do this and gather evidence.

 

The OM is a plague. He is slowly sapping all of her emotion and causing nearly unrepairable damage to your marriage. He needs to be found, cut out like a cancer, or you need to get a D and move on.

 

Find evidence. Do NOT confront her with it. Speak to a Lawyer first. Then confront her when you have enough evidence.

 

Best of luck to you.

[2sunny]

you don't trust at this point until all the evidence shows she is worthy of your trust. words must equal action, which includes her energy and intentions toward you. when her hearts and mind is totally committed you will see a big difference. until then - no. it takes a long time so sit back and be patient.

[2.50 a gallon]

WW

 

Assuming that she is beginning to make changes, that she has gone NC, and deleted her contacts. And she has said she would go to MC and would try a retreat.

 

You have stated that you want this marriage to survive. So my next question is what are you doing for her? As you said in your first post she said she was unhappy in the marriage. What kind of changes are you making for her. I ask this, assuming that she has made the above changes, and she is willing to give it another shot, but the marriage will still be a dead end unless you find out what was making her unhappy in the first place.

 

Others on this board have recommended the reading of several books on building loving relationships, alas I have yet to see them post here in the past few days. The point is for you to move on in your life, but at the same time, if you can read some of these books, you might be able to jump ahead of her and have an idea what she thought was missing in your marriage, and how she might think that you might have failed her. And once knowing you can begin to make the changes that she will notice and perhaps make her want to stay all that more

 

I myself have never read any of these books, I am in a 14 year relationship, I have no idea what I am doing right, but somehow I keep bumbling along and doing the right things. I am sort of afraid if I read one of these books, I might change and start doing the wrong things and screw it up. Sort of it it ain't broke, don't fix it

Edited December 29, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon
mispelling

[WonderingWhy]

So.... Where to begin. After work we talked for some time, mainly simple things how days went etc. She then said she is still trying to get off the weekend for the retreat. I am hingeing alot of hope on this and I know I shouldn't be, but I feel it is a necessary step and she actually agrees. After the phone call I lost it missing her crying etc. I have always been a strong person untill this. So I sent her this message" I want to call him" She called right away and ask what that meant. I have done my research and found out this guy is a friend from HS and now lives about 2500 miles away. She admitted to it. I then said that the only way we could move forward is having NO absolutely no contact with anyone that either one of us deems suspicios. She agreed. She has said she cut off all contact and will show phone records messenger account etc. I want so much to believe that this is a good step. We both know what has led us to this position in our marriage and cannot change it, but we both agreed to move forward with no secerets and no attatchments. I know this will be a long road but I hope it is a good one. I am also sure that this may change daily. All this being said, she still went home to er sister's house and not here. I don't think it is a good idea to move back right away as this may help us in the end. I just don't know. Please advice. Any advice will be good. Still gaurded, very gaurded but glad we got that conversation about OM out of the way with little excuses and no argument.

Edited December 29, 2009 by WonderingWhy