WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 So this is my first post. I am doint this basically as a way to express my feelings and get some feedback. So the story begins. I met my wife many years ago. We like many couples have been through our ups and downs. But overall I felt we had a pretty good marriage. We were married within a year of meeting and had a daughter shortly after. Our daughter has always come first with us and a large part of our focus has been with our dughter. This being said I belive that for some time now she has felt as if she wasn't completely happy with our relationship. We had arguments about sex( or the infrequency of it), time spent together, etc. Through all of this I have always felt that in some way we could work through as divorce was never an option, as I come from a supportive family and parents who have been married for 30 years. She hasn't felt that way, she has often suggested couseling or other outside help to resolve our issues and regain the love we have for each other. I always felt that we could work it out and we did (at least it seems like it) at the time. There was a time some years ago that she suspected that I had become involved with a co-worker, which I didn't. I did cross some borders that shouldn't have been crossed. I talk to her outside of work because she was going through a tough time in her life. I understand completely why my wife has felt this way, and I have done everything to regain her trust.i.e. no contact with coworker etc. Recently my wife has began to express how she never trusted me again after that incident. And she felt as if she just wasn't happy and felt it best if she left to live with family for some time. This statement came hours after I found a message saying that she should go over to a "frinds house" etc. The guy did express that nothing had ever happened before, not knowing it was me and not her. I have my doubts that my wife has feelings for somone else. I don't believe she has ever cheated. The following day after she packed up and left, I went to a lawyer to protect my daughter and me just in case it got bad. We had an emergency custody hearing the following day. I was awarded primary custody allowing me to keep our daughter at home. My wife expressed that all that wasn't necessary and that she just needed some time. So the past couple of days have been pretty ok. We have seen and talked a couple times of the phone as well as texted frequently. She even came here Christmas morning, and stayed here the following night while I was at work. I just don't know where to turn or what to believe. I want to believe that there is hope for our marriage. She has agreed to counseling and that we are both going to try and fix our faults so that we can be IN love again. I just have doubts, only 6 days she left and said that she wanted to be seperated and wouldn't seek couseling and didn't know if she wanted to try anymore. I want to make sure that she isnt just doing this to make it ok with our daughter. I know I Love her with all my heart and will make changes and become more appreciative of her, and make her feel HAPPY again. She even said last night that she still loves me and hopes it can work. I just hope it's not too late. Any advice would be good, any suggestions, any recomindations, anything at all. I am emotionless right now, passed the shock and anger, I just want her home here with us.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 She's playing nicey nice for her daughters sake. A mother will do and say anything to not be separated from her child. With that said, she is not back in the home with you because, yes, get this, there is another man. If there wasn't an OM, she wouldn't have left you and her daughter.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I hate to be gullable but I want to believ that there isn't anyone else. She continually expresses that this isn't a matter of anyone else. What about counseling? Is there a chance that it will work? Even whe she came to pick our daughter today she quickly even did some cleaning and wash( even though I said not too) It seems as if she still cares and is willing to make an effort. Also I hate all social networking sites for reasons like these. Is it unreasonable to ask her to suspend her use of theis for awhile. I hate to give up hope, and I hate to make on sided changes, and I also do not want to keep bugging and push he away more.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 She continually expresses that this isn't a matter of anyone else. All cheaters do this. In her case, she cannot come out and tell you the truth for fear of losing her daughter. She has left you and will keep OM well hidden until such time he can come out and play. Has she moved all of her stuff out of the house? If not, go through everything and anything of hers, no matter how insignificant, and you might just find something. Counselling will only work if you know what/who the threat is to your M and if both of you want to make things work.
comj49 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Don't believe her!! If you read my posts you will read a mirror image of what you are going through. I have been seperated for only a month, and have come to realize no matter how much I wanted to believe my wife wanted her "space" for the right reasons, it wasn't true. She has told me she is dating other people, and I just found out yesterday that it could be someone she works with. The evidence tells me what I need to know, my heart wants to beleive something else. I confronted my wife about all my suspicions, only to recieve the same old excuses. She is embarrased by what she is doing, and is doing it because there is someone new paying attention to her. I hope she comes to her senses, but in my case, I am already thinking of filing for divorce. The way I look at it, she is betraying your trust, she is cheating on you, and why would you want someone back that can just run away from your marriage so easily. I want someone that is committed, that realizes there will be tough times, and is willing to stick it out, no matter what.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Yeah so as the emotional rollercoaster continues, an IM just came up from another guy friend again. What a shot to the stomach. I guess she never logged out of her messenger account and it just popped up. Man o man, this sucks. I did call her and ask her what was going on with this, and her reply was it was just a friend from H.S. She went on to say that she wants this to work with us and wants to try. I said I cannot do that if she continues to have these relationships with other people. She agreed and said she will erase everything but she still wanted some space. I don't think it ever became physical. She keeps saying we need to talk about a plan for us, but everyday we are coming up with new ways to continue upward in concern to our relationship. I have no idea what to do? I am sick to my stomach and so confused. I want things to work and she also says she wants things to work. We both agreed to couseling and believe it may help. I dont want to lose the family we have built over the past 7 years. I am so lost.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 comj~~ It isn't that I want an uncommitted spouse but I do not want to throw away 7 years. I know that at least to some degree we have something worth saing(or at least I hope) I guess only actions will now determine the directions in which we go. I have to be honest my optimistic outlook has taken a turn for the worse in the past hour or so. I jus do not want anymore suorises. I just don't know anymore.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 WW I hate to dash you hopes, but there are too many red flags in your narrative, she is having an EA. the IM from a guy friend As long as the OM is still inserted in your relationship MC will not work Let's say you can measure love by weight and you each have 10 pounds to share. You give her your 10 pounds, but she is dividing her pounds between you and the OM. Until she is able to give her whole 10 pounds, all you are doing is wasting your money. Hopefully others on this board will be able to give you more information. For now she has to cut off all contact with the social networking sites and the guy friend. It is called no contact or NC. Then she has to give you total transparency, to her social networking sites, cell phone etc. i.e. passwords etc. In the meantime you move on with your life, begin making the changes in your life that will make her want to try again, if it is possible become the man that she fell in love with years ago. Also do not chase her, beg, send her flowers, etc, it will only drive her further away as it will look needy and unmanly. For now I think your biggest enemy is the trust issue, and now the shoe is on the other foot. Be aware her being friendly and cleaning around the house, might be a result of your action of seeing a lawyer and emergency custody
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 she has changed pw etc. She keeps citing it as a space issue. She jus called and said that she is scared of losing everything. Is this hope? I just don't know anymore. This is a terrible situation. I never even seen it coming or expected it at all. Btw I have seen it several times what does EA stand for?
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 She is scared of losing her daughter and the security you provide. She may very well come back for those reasons but they are not enough for her to stay put. If she were to go back to you tomorrow with promises that she does not follow through with, it will only be a matter of time until she sets herself up for leaving you permanently. It could be possible the OM is not following through with his promise to her of giving her the moon and the stars. She's getting scared. It isn't at the stage yet where she is realizing what she could be losing, your love and life together as a family. The greener grass is her priority right now and if that means putting it on hold til a better time, then that's what she will do.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 This all sucks. I just wish it was all put out there and that the whole situation could be presented so that we could make an honest effort. No matter how bad it is it may be easier to get it all out there figure out what will be the best course of action. Is it, or would it be good to give her a link to this site? She just thinks that i am the one feeling this way? It is a devestating situation. Tough to fill all of the days without her.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Do not give her the link to this site. You are going through an emotional pain and not thinking clearly but she won't see it like that. Her take on it would be you are a wuss. It would not endear yourself to her, it will only push her away further. There are things you can do to help you at this time. We can help you as you go through the transitions you will be facing, with or without your wife. Yes, you need to know if there is another man. Investigate. There is something else to be found besides a message here or there.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 How can I investigate? Things I know so far- She has changed all pw to everything. This seems to be because of the messages that popped up on home pc. I also know that she is always where she is supposed to be. She calls right after work and also calls or texts from her sister's(where she is staying) late at night. Is or could this be just emotional? Also if it is, is there still hope before it gets physical? I think I can overcome emotional, but physical is a whole other story. The worst about all of this is , normally I am a pretty strong minded and inteligent person. But this seems to have taken it all away so quickly.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 An EA is just as bad as a PA so don't kid yourself. It hurts!! She needs to get her head out of her azz and you need to get your head out of the sand. You need to take control away from her. Go LC because of the child, go NC with anything and everything that is going on in YOUR life. She needs to miss and wonder about you. Doing this will take some of her focus off the OM and onto you. Otherwise, she has both of you and gets to choose. Given the choice, she will go for whoever gives her the little butterflies in the stomach. She hasn't been able to move onto a mature love with you and instead desires the warm fuzzies with someone else.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 WW EA - You almost figured it out is an emotional affair PA - Physical affair Both are devastating to a relationship. EA he is telling her things she want to hear, maybe I love you's / future together To get a better idea of what you are facing read some of the other threads on this board
2sunny Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 How can I investigate? Things I know so far- She has changed all pw to everything. This seems to be because of the messages that popped up on home pc. I also know that she is always where she is supposed to be. She calls right after work and also calls or texts from her sister's(where she is staying) late at night. Is or could this be just emotional? Also if it is, is there still hope before it gets physical? I think I can overcome emotional, but physical is a whole other story. The worst about all of this is , normally I am a pretty strong minded and inteligent person. But this seems to have taken it all away so quickly. seems her priority is to cut you out of her life. when there's nothing to hide - there's nothing to hide. she obviously doesn't want you involved in her life. stop checking - just know she IS cheating... it's obvious to everyone here. stop communicating with her - if she intended to work on the M - she would go to counseling. she has someone else she's spending her time, attention and energy on - she just doesn't want you finding out about him.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 In the mean time begin to better yourself, some get back to the gym, working off that excess weight, cycling, working out etc. Me I promote dancing classes, excercise and you get to dance with female partners Do you have any hobbies, get back into them, or try something new. It can be anything, kite flying, tropical fish, gourmet cooking, you are moving on in live, bettering yourself, and every second you put in to a hobby, is a second that you are not thinking of you situation. The seconds add up to minutes, then hours, the idea is to find a way to keep your mind busy And listen to the advice of the others on this board they have been there an back
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Thank you all for your help so far. I am going to try no contact with her in regards to our Marriage. The only calls will about spending time with our daughter. It is only fair that our daughter is interuppted as little as posible for now. She will be dropping her off again in about an hour or so. I am sure I will be back here again with more questions about that encounter. Oh and one sidenote she has expressed interest in seeking a couseler. I have been the only one to search for one up untill this point. Is it a good idea to let her set the appointment if this is something she wants to do. Kind of put the ball in her court?
2sunny Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Thank you all for your help so far. I am going to try no contact with her in regards to our Marriage. The only calls will about spending time with our daughter. It is only fair that our daughter is interuppted as little as posible for now. She will be dropping her off again in about an hour or so. I am sure I will be back here again with more questions about that encounter. Oh and one sidenote she has expressed interest in seeking a couseler. I have been the only one to search for one up untill this point. Is it a good idea to let her set the appointment if this is something she wants to do. Kind of put the ball in her court? yes, let her make the effort - let's see what she does and how long she waits to see the counselor.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Why would you want her to have the ball in her court? Take charge! Take the control away from her. You have done the research, you pick the counsellor. If she isn't happen about that, tough. If she does go to counselling with you, keep in mind, a WW will do this in order to help you understand why she wants to leave you. WW's have twisted logic. Keep that in mind. She has lost respect for you and the whys of that could be any number of things. Getting the respect back that she has lost for you is the first step to getting the love back, as long as there isn't an interloper in the M. Respect precedes love. Do not accept her lame excuses anymore. When she shows up today, be nice, polite, do not engage her in talking about the M, she is not listening right now.
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Thank you all again. I will not engage about the marriage and i will not make it any worse for us. I will post again after the encounter tonight. I am not expecting a fight or an argument but I do expect her in some way to engage in conversation or at least attempt to. It is tough because she was/is a good mother, wife, has a stable job etc. Makes it all more difficult right now. I feel like I lost her when I wasn't always here for her. But I do not even know how it came to this.
worlybear Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Please read my threads from last year. Like you , I was told by my partner that he needed space and I bent over backwards to be supportive. He was already having an affair and lying. I learned the hard way what a terrible price you pay for being honest and loving. Don't hang on and hope for the best. It doesn't work! Concentrate on your daughter and yourself. Good luck.
nobmagnet Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 PA/EA.............sucks the whole lot. Hi, have you had the "I love you but i am not in love with you " ?? I ask because its a RED CARD. be strong my love.you have your child and thats great. please dont let go? Your child need stability and its not you leaving. See if you can find some sort of infidelity............it will hurt but she will never tell you the truth......cheeters dont. keep strong and keep posting xxxxxx
Author WonderingWhy Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I have not yet got the I love you but..... she told me last night she still loves me and wants to try and work it all out. I have also talked to her alot in the days since she has left. About everything from our daughter, finances, home, counselers, etc. I want to believe that it can work out but some of the recent actions speak volumes about her intent. I wish her actions met her words. I can tell everyone that the replies and support is incredible. I find myself waiting for responses because all have provided such good support. Side note again she just called and ask if our daughter could stay longer today. I hate to ever say no, so I agreed. It somehow makes me feel better that she is there. It makes me know for certain she cannot be out with someone. Just mentally it helps. She also just agreed to find a counselor for us o see. I hope she does as it will at least show that she wants o try in action and not just words. Thanks Again everyone. Any responses are very much appreciated.
2sunny Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 check her phone bill. see who her friends on FB/myspace are... do you know the guys name from HS? you might find him on her page... check him out too - see if there are any clues to their communication. the fact that she changed the passwords to certain sites means thats where she doesn't want you finding her evidence.
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