thats what i said Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I know this sounds like a funny question but hopefully there's an answer... A few months back, when dating my not yet ex, he would ask me what I found attractive about him. I did not find him physically attractive but I loved his personality and so would have a difficult time satisfying what he was hoping to hear. A while later I started dating another guy and even told him this story about my ex and let him know I didn't like that insecuirty in guys and hated being put on the spot like that especially when I wasn't dating for superficial reasons. Well, this next guy told me that it was stupid that he had even asked as then it wasn't a compliment given from the heart but rather forced. Well, a month down the road, HE asked the same question! I can only assume I didn't give him enough compliments... Most recently, I met this guy and we started talking and I let him know I really wanted a guy who was secure in himself and again told him this same story about my ex. By the second date he asked me what I liked about him... I have definitely met guys who have never felt the need to ask this question but other than that do most guys seem to feel the need to hear some comforting words about their attactiveness from the person they're dating? Is it only insecure guys who ask this? Or is it possible I simply MAKE them insecure?
JohnP82 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Maybe they just want to know why you like them. Perhaps you're doing something to make them question you.
OnlyJake Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I've never dated anyone who never asked this question at some point. The only time I interpreted it as insecurity was with one guy who didn't believe any answer I ever gave him. I don't think asking this question automatically means he's feeling insecure.
lostwithafuture Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I have personally never asked such questions just because I feel they are unnecessary. But usually guys ask to find out if you really like them or not, so if you compliment them then they will think you really like that. I think you can avoid such questions by just showing a lot of interest in the other person.
OnlyJake Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I have personally never asked such questions just because I feel they are unnecessary. But usually guys ask to find out if you really like them or not, so if you compliment them then they will think you really like that. I think you can avoid such questions by just showing a lot of interest in the other person. You can also avoid those questions just by occasionally letting him know "I love/like quality xyz or physical trait abc about you."
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Are you sure you're not confusing Insecurity with Ego....? Nobody ever asks you to shut up whilst you're busy telling them how wonderful they are....
JL911 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Been there asked that...A lot of the time it was just general question...Its nice to hear why someone is attracted to you. Whether its cause youre cute, funny, polite, or fun to be with, or you give someone the feeling that they are loved, it is nice to know you are doing a good job as a male partner in a relationship... Also we as men are drilled into thinking we need to be open with our feelings rather than just showing them. Blame ****ty love monologues in romantic comedy, but all the mushy gushy BS is way overdone towards the male when he realizes his feelings for a lady... I dont think its as much the guy looking for an ego stroke or is insecure, maybe hes just trying to see how she views him in the relationship and is checking to see if her intentions and expectations match or come somewhat close to his... However these questions should probaly be discussed after you get to know each other and a guy asking this on a second date has issues... If you dont want the questions...maybe verbalize to these guys more often how they make you feel and how happy you are when you are with them...If they feel comfortable and secure in the relationship it is because you are making them feel that way...
Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I can't say that I've ever asked these questions directly before, but some times the girl sends pretty mixed signals and I wonder why she's seeing me, yet she keeps doing it...generally I find when I start asking myself these questions that the relationship/dating is over, as there's generally some disconnect that isn't working out. I think look, it shouldn't be all that hard to find a guy who's a bit more secure, just keep in mind that you may be self selecting this group of guys.
boogieboy Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 If you cant come up with things you like about these guys your dating, maybe you shouldnt be dating them. Telling them about your ex just to set up a boundary that is "dont ask me what I like about you" is just going to make them think...."well if you dont like anything about anybody, what am I here for?" Thats why they ask.
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Everyone needs to know what their partners value in them. For some, it's the physical, others, internals and for some, both. If someone is asking you, it's because you're not being open. I also have a "test" question for men. What's your value system? Reliant on response, it will define for me, what this person values in general and also what they value in me.
Author thats what i said Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Everyone needs to know what their partners value in them. For some, it's the physical, others, internals and for some, both. If someone is asking you, it's because you're not being open. I also have a "test" question for men. What's your value system? Reliant on response, it will define for me, what this person values in general and also what they value in me. That's a good point. I actually find that what I like and dislike in a guy constantly seems to change. One day I like one quality and dislike another and the next I dislike what I used to like and viceversa and so on. I want to have a boyfriend to enjoy time with, make me laugh, etc, but I can become pretty conflicted fairly easily. So I have a hard time defining exactly what it is that I want in a partner, if they should ask. Guess I'm still figuring it out. I'm in my early twenties btw. Maybe that's part of my problem?
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 That's a good point. I actually find that what I like and dislike in a guy constantly seems to change. One day I like one quality and dislike another and the next I dislike what I used to like and viceversa and so on. I want to have a boyfriend to enjoy time with, make me laugh, etc, but I can become pretty conflicted fairly easily. So I have a hard time defining exactly what it is that I want in a partner, if they should ask. Guess I'm still figuring it out. I'm in my early twenties btw. Maybe that's part of my problem?It does sound like you don't like feeling cornered, since you haven't really nailed down your own value system. As someone in your twenties, you're still figuring this out, which is fine. It will come with experience for some and for others, it never comes, since they're not interested in digging very deeply into their own psychy. Why not just say to these guys "I'm still getting to know you, so it's difficult for me to say exactly what I like about you. But for certain, there's something about you that draws me. I find you very attractive."
boogieboy Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 If the guys your dating are in their early 20's also, that would explain their insecurity.
anne1707 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 To be fair to your ex, he did have reason to feel insecure as you did not find him physically attractive.
Author thats what i said Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 To be fair to your ex, he did have reason to feel insecure as you did not find him physically attractive. That's probably true - however a lot of other woman found him very attractive physically. One of his exes even went so far as to ask him to impregnate her just so she could have a kid with his characteristics. Maybe because I never actually said anything either way about how he looked made him wonder how I actually felt. On the other hand though, I've met people that were average (or worse) looking and became absolutely stunning to me (physically) after really getting to know them.
cognac Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 That's probably true - however a lot of other woman found him very attractive physically. One of his exes even went so far as to ask him to impregnate her just so she could have a kid with his characteristics. Maybe because I never actually said anything either way about how he looked made him wonder how I actually felt. [/Quote] I doubt you would be with him if he was not physically attractive to you If you sincerely don't find him physically attractive (which I doubt), he has a right to be insecure and find out if he's just wasting his time. When the woman isn't physically attracted to you in a relationship, no matter how much she loves your personality a relationship will just not last.
anne1707 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I doubt you would be with him if he was not physically attractive to you You would like to think so but in the OP's own words: A few months back, when dating my not yet ex, he would ask me what I found attractive about him. I did not find him physically attractive but I loved his personality and so would have a difficult OP It would not matter if other people found him attractive as well. It was how you felt about him that mattered.
PJKino Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Seems to be a double stadnard,just about every women is insecure on some level especially about looks and things in general yet women expect guys to be sueprmen have no insecurities in life about their appereance or anyhting its called beign HUMAN we all have insecurities and worries,it seems as if women worry so much that they want the Men in their life overcompensate for the womens worries by never worrying and always being in control which isnt realistic.. Plus I wouldnt be thrilled if some women who was with me said she loved me for my personality but i wasnt physically attratcive at all
paddington bear Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I've encountered this a lot, but I've never taken it as insecurity, more as a way to receive and then to give compliments. So he asks with a little smile and a shy look what you like about him, wanting to hear some sweet words of love all the 'well...when I first saw you I noticed your amazing eyes...' thus allowing him to reciprocate. If the original guy you mentioned wasn't that good looking and thought you were a knock-out he may have simply been questioning his luck 'what on earth did someone like you see in me?'
Left in a Lurch Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) Because we don't have girlfriends that tell us how great we look not matter how we look. We have guy friends that make jokes about our appearance, and any little flaw is fair game. Your friends compare you and to Kate Hudson, our friends compare us to the weird guy from Silence of the Lambs. We don't have women telling us how hot we are all the time. If we don't tell our women how they look beautiful, how great their new hair cut looks, notice their dumb looking new shoes and how hot it makes their feet look or how pretty they are multiple times a week, they feel insecure and we catch hell. The most we usually get is, "I like that sweater on you, now go shave you look like a bum." We don't tell our GFs how hot their friends are without getting beaten down in an argument, whereas the women seem to have no problem joking about our "hot" co-worker that "all the women love", that looks totally opposite of what we look like. They joke about the upcoming office party and is "the hottie" going to be there? I can't wait." HA HA. Try saying that about a woman's co-worker and you won't be going with her. We don't make a huge deal about really wanting to see Megan Fox in some crappy movie, but God forbid we don't want to go with them to see a crappy movie about vampires with some 17 year old kid taking his shirt off to reveal the hairless body of a 12 year old. A lot of women make us feel like they are settling and could get a much better looking guy if they get bored which is actually pretty true and doesn't help any insecurities. I have had women that have told me, "You really do it for me" and that is enough. I am confident enough that I am not ugly, but some women never express that they find you attractive, but point out other people they do find attractive which is a little off-putting and you do start to question if there is really attraction there or if you are going to get burned sooner or later. Edited December 27, 2009 by Chat Room Hero
PJKino Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Because we don't have girlfriends that tell us how great we look not matter how we look. We have guy friends that make jokes about our appearance, and any little flaw is fair game. Your friends compare you and to Kate Hudson, our friends compare us to the weird guy from Silence of the Lambs. We don't have women telling us how hot we are all the time. If we don't tell our women how they look beautiful, how great their new hair cut looks, notice their dumb looking new shoes and how hot it makes their feet look or how pretty they are multiple times a week, they feel insecure and we catch hell. The most we usually get is, "I like that sweater on you, now go shave you look like a bum." We don't tell our GFs how hot their friends are without getting beaten down in an argument, whereas the women seem to have no problem joking about our "hot" co-worker that "all the women love", that looks totally opposite of what we look like. They joke about the upcoming office party and is "the hottie" going to be there? I can't wait." HA HA. Try saying that about a woman's co-worker and you won't be going with her. We don't make a huge deal about really wanting to see Megan Fox in some crappy movie, but God forbid we don't want to go with them to see a crappy movie about vampires with some 17 year old kid taking his shirt off to reveal the hairless body of a 12 year old. A lot of women make us feel like they are settling and could get a much better looking guy if they get bored which is actually pretty true and doesn't help any insecurities. I have had women that have told me, "You really do it for me" and that is enough. I am confident enough that I am not ugly, but some women never express that they find you attractive, but point out other people they do find attractive which is a little off-putting and you do start to question if there is really attraction there or if you are going to get burned sooner or later. Preach.. You have to cosntantly tell a women how beautiful she is or it means your ungrateful and that she desrves better..A Man asks if you find him attractive once and hes a insecure whackjob.. And youre right how women can talk about hot men but not vice versa My friends wife for some reaosn feels the need to tell him every man she sees on tv that is attrtacive to her yet if he did the same thing shed probably leave him..
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Some pretty assumptive, bitter boys brigade posts about women in general, one more time.
Author thats what i said Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 We don't have women telling us how hot we are all the time. If we don't tell our women how they look beautiful, how great their new hair cut looks, notice their dumb looking new shoes and how hot it makes their feet look or how pretty they are multiple times a week, they feel insecure and we catch hell. The most we usually get is, "I like that sweater on you, now go shave you look like a bum." We don't tell our GFs how hot their friends are without getting beaten down in an argument, whereas the women seem to have no problem joking about our "hot" co-worker that "all the women love", that looks totally opposite of what we look like. They joke about the upcoming office party and is "the hottie" going to be there? I can't wait." HA HA. Try saying that about a woman's co-worker and you won't be going with her. I am confident enough that I am not ugly, but some women never express that they find you attractive, but point out other people they do find attractive which is a little off-putting and you do start to question if there is really attraction there or if you are going to get burned sooner or later. Wow, you just nailed that one on the head, lol. Come to think of it, if a guy I'm seeing stops telling me that I look nice (at least ), I start wondering if he's losing his attraction to me. I've never made it a point to be jealous if my significant other makes comments about a beautiful woman, in fact I even encourage it - just so he can feel a little more comfortable in his own skin... is that weird? lol But I also have totally done the whole "omg, that celebrity is sooo hot!" and never even considered that he might try and compare himself to said celebrity... However, I guess I have trouble dishing out compliments to guys I date unless I am utterly confident that this is the guy I definitely want to get serious to any degree with. I guess I feel like by giving him a bunch of compliments and then later breaking it off, he'll feel like I led him on the whole time.
Left in a Lurch Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Some pretty assumptive, bitter boys brigade posts about women in general, one more time. I didn't realize the Holier Than Thou Brigade was watching this post. It is true the female members of HTTB have never made generalizations about men based on multiple experiences. Only the bitter, misogynistic male members can apparently think women in general have any flaws.
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I didn't realize the Holier Than Thou Brigade was watching this post. It is true the female members of HTTB have never made generalizations about men based on multiple experiences. Only the bitter, misogynistic male members can apparently think women in general have any flaws. It gets old, fast. We've been bombarded by misogyny now for so long, that some of us are totally fed up with it. Quit'cher whining and do something about your love life. It will make you a happier person.
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