skywriter Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 ....and I do realize this question is very broad. I meant it to be. When I asked "all", this was meant to include "all". peace...
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 we're all dying. so we really should stop wasting time in 5h1t-land, because we never know when our last breath will be. And if our dying moments are spent pining, what a waste of time that would be.
Confused4Now Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I've learned so much about me and I am learning not to be concerned about MW. Having gone through my divorce recently I'm learning how to be alone getting to know myself. I've gotten much closer to my kids during this transition and realized they are much more important than the MW who can't walk the talk. Blood is thicker than water....thats for sure. I've drawn much closer to God. But most important I've learned to put the focus back on me....stay true to yourself. My dreams no longer include my MW....period
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought... so far, anyway. Saying that the last... 12 days of NC have been filled with me almost shaking my head to knock out the thoughts of him that constantly pop in. I've also learned that NC is indeed as painful as people say. And that the comfort and support of those that love you is priceless.
jwi71 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Life is too short and too precious to be spent on anyone NOT giving 100% to YOU.
hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I think I've learned that I'm not as hard as I thought I was. Putting a brave face on for everyone has been so hard and as soon as I'm alone the tears are back.
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I like that jw... we give of ourselves sometimes without thinking about what we need to get back. I suppose that sentiment kinda links to the respect thread. H4U, I'm sorry you're still suffering. How are you feeling now?
hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I like that jw... we give of ourselves sometimes without thinking about what we need to get back. I suppose that sentiment kinda links to the respect thread. H4U, I'm sorry you're still suffering. How are you feeling now? Kind of all over the place TBH. I know I need to move on, I know its over but I just can't seem to get myself together.
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I suppose, going back to the original question, I've learned that healing takes time. We all need time to heal when hurt and it doesn't happen overnight. I think it's a good thing to feel your emotions at this time. Grieve him and what you had together, let it pass over you properly, then pick yourself up and do something to take your mind off it a little. Call a friend, watch a movie or whatever. Balance your time so that you are putting yourself together little bit by little bit. (((hugs H4U)))
Author skywriter Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Thanks for all the replies. All of them lead up to the very thought that initiated this thread. About four yrs before my meeting and becoming involved with the MM. A long time dear friend and I had commited to walking three miles together after dinner every evening. As we all know, when ya walk, ya talk. The friend commences to reveal to me she'd become involved with a MM. To shorten the story and get to the point. I was thinking to myself today. My inital instinct then was to be concerned for her. To try to be there for her, without judgement. To be supportive and why? Because instinctively I knew this was already a bad situation. She was gonna need me. I also thought ahead four yrs down the road. Here I am in this situation. Of course, never imagining, that I would allow myself to be. Life has strange ways of flipping scripts on ya. Anyway... The mm is ringing the cell phone on a regular. Instincts are kicking in. I'm asking him, "what in the world?" Curse him out eventually when I get him to admit his intentions. This after quite a few conversations and visits. So twice, my instincts have told me, what I already knew was right. First time, I listened to them, with my friendgirl, and I was the friend I should've been. However, with the MM, I finally smothered my instincts beneath my selfish side. So this is a lesson for me about not listening to my gut instincts. I know, I know, should be common sense and it is.
Author skywriter Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I reread my own post this morning and as I finished reading it, my thoughts were that I obviously love others more than I love myself. hmmmm....
Author skywriter Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Thank you so much, Frozensprouts. Guess I just need to keep kicking my own a** for a while.
Author skywriter Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Ok, so today my lesson learned is...... I am not ten feet tall and bullet proof! yikes!
Author skywriter Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Hi Frozensprouts, Tried to reply back yesterday, for some reason, it kept saying to login, I would and it'd go back and say I wasn't logged in. So, anyway, here I am. Just wanted to tell you how smart you are painting and so soon after the busy Holidays, Wow! Wish I had your energy! I'm doing good to get to work everyday and tidy the house in the evenings. Maybe I'll consider some painting in the spring. When it's cold, I'm like a fish in a frozen pond.
jennie-jennie Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 That life is the distance traveled not the destination. I enjoy our relationship for what it is each day. As long as I know I am where I want to be today, I know I will not regret it in the future.
Author skywriter Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 Thank you Jennie, wish I had your strength and resolve.
Author skywriter Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Has anyone ever heard the expression, "everything happens for a reason"? If this is true, then I can't help but wondering how this applies to myself. I just want to learn, so that I can spare other people the grief.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I've learned so much about me and I am learning not to be concerned about MW. Having gone through my divorce recently I'm learning how to be alone getting to know myself. I've gotten much closer to my kids during this transition and realized they are much more important than the MW who can't walk the talk. Blood is thicker than water....thats for sure. I've drawn much closer to God. But most important I've learned to put the focus back on me....stay true to yourself. My dreams no longer include my MW....period I could almost mirror this post C4N. Also, that MM really are confused souls who come off as sure and confident men when really they are just little boys.
White Flower Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Has anyone ever heard the expression, "everything happens for a reason"? If this is true, then I can't help but wondering how this applies to myself. I just want to learn, so that I can spare other people the grief. I do believe I went through all this for a reason. I'm still waiting to find out the answer. Be back when I know...
Author skywriter Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 I hear ya white flower, me too.
Peanut9330 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 When I first came on this forum to get advice about my break up everyone stressed NC. I like all people thought my situation was different even though everyone stressed that in time I will understand NC and what it is really for. I can say that I finally got!!!! I reached the point that everyone was telling me about and through it I learned the process of NC and how great it works, and like everyone said its not to get them back, but to heal and move on. It's liberating to get this far!!!
Author skywriter Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 (edited) You are absolutley right peanut. I've found this to be true as well. For me, it's painful at first and then the anxious feelings become less often, because I know what to expect. No more jumping when the phone rings. It has different stages though, some not so ones as well, like, the painful raw feeling in the pit of my gut. ...and then of course the, "woe is me, is he missing me or getting on with his life". "Is he at home laughing with his loved ones, living it up?" Then the beat myself up, I'm so selfish phase. The list goes on and on. The situation for me is, we never both agreed to NC. In fact, I am certain a time will come when we will make contact. I just prefer it be limited. Edited December 31, 2009 by skywriter
jj33 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Skywriter - HE doesnt have to agree to NC. YOU have to want and enforce NC. That means telling him he is not welcome. That means enforcing it. Tell people you had a falling out. He doesnt get to decide what happens in your life unless you let him. After all that has happened between you two and how terribly he has behaved you MUST make a resolution for the new year, this new decade, that you will take care of you and not wait for others to "do the right thing". This man is NEVER going to do the right thing. He has proven that time and time again with his disrespect. Take the new year as an opportunity to stand up for yourself. The past doesnt matter. Lots of people rise above the past and create a new future for themselves. The new decade is awake with new opportunities to make new choices. Make them and allow yourself to be happy and to regain your dignity and self respect in this matter. You are a wonderful woman and this is just a blip, it doesnt have to become an integral part of your story of "who you are" unless you let it by allowing this man to continue in your life. Lots of love jj PS There is a line from a movie where a nun says when one acts out of both duty and love, then we are in grace. I think that is true. And I think it defines a lot of the problem with the MM. They are torn (in the best of circumstances) between duty and love, and even if the OW is happy, the man is typically out of grace in one way or another. I learned enough to write a book. Not sure how to integrate it all but: (1) i am too reactive (i knew that but proved it in spades in this situation and have resolved to change that; (2) I dont share well with others; I need to be number one; (3) I need to learn the rules of the "game" - even if I dont believe in it, it exists, and I dont want to get played ever again. Happy new year everyone.
wheream_i Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I've learned that loving someone really does mean letting them go. And like JW said, especially if you aren't giving them 100%.
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