SummerLady Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I am posting here as the topic centers around divorce/marriage issues. I have a very close friend who just came out of an almost 3 year affair with a co-worker. The man ended the affair. She is devastated to say the least. She calls me often and crys and is upset. I have addressed her marriage with her and she claims she will never leave him and she actually said to me 3 weeks ago she has an awesome marriage. That statement was very troublesome. When I asked her plain and simple, you sound unhappy, how is your marriage awesome she attacked me. I don't mean to sound selfish here but I am tired of having these conversations. There is nothing I can say to her as she is in major Denial... I never saw someone in this much denial. Do I address again or listen to her vent and just be quiet. A large part of me feels like I am NOT being a friend for not telling her what I really think but I don't want to alienate her. Just getting frustrated with it. I think a big part of her thinks I am mad at her as my husband cheated on me years ago and as a result I am divorced. One has nothing to do with the other here. My marriage is way over and I am way over my marriage. I moved on years ago... Thoughts???
sotagoon Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Not that I am in the best place to be giving advice....in my own mess.....I would think that your friend needs a good dose of reality?!!!! As you already know...from your own experience...it seems as though she wants the "cake and eat it too" scenario. For the reason that is only known (or maybe not) by HER and her only.....she has decided that she will have NO RESPECT for her husband whatsoever. In any case (not quite familiar with their marriage) the onus of cheating lies only with the cheater. Her "attack", is a direct result of guilt and shame. (Back a badger in a corner some time.....guess what???....get out of the way!!) I was turned on to a book...."Women's Infidelity" ...might help shed some light on the subject for her. Anywho.....I think that your friend is in a bad place, and unless she's inherently a BAD person......then you may want to help her by being as honest as possible. In my mind.....that's what a true friend does...without judgement. Just my two cents.
nobmagnet Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 yep. leave her alone for a while maybe tell her she has the wrong impression of you tho. she has made a major mistake she needs to relise that. By proping her up and validating what she did wont help her see it. Be truthful, honest if she asks. But wait till she does. Cheeters need to validate the reasons and im sorry be there is no excuse IMO. leave her to realise this. let her feel the pain she has inflicked on her signifant other. Affaires are unreal. She needs to see reality and hopefully learn. Being honest is the way. She wont likke it. but she might see in the future what a good mate you are. My mates tell it how it is. Its good and I do too even if I know it isnt what they want/need to hear, they and I always come backand say.......**** you were right. I wish i had seen it sooner. your a good freind. Good freinds care and tell it how it is. best of luck xxxxxx
Author SummerLady Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Not that I am in the best place to be giving advice....in my own mess.....I would think that your friend needs a good dose of reality?!!!! As you already know...from your own experience...it seems as though she wants the "cake and eat it too" scenario. For the reason that is only known (or maybe not) by HER and her only.....she has decided that she will have NO RESPECT for her husband whatsoever. In any case (not quite familiar with their marriage) the onus of cheating lies only with the cheater. Her "attack", is a direct result of guilt and shame. (Back a badger in a corner some time.....guess what???....get out of the way!!) I was turned on to a book...."Women's Infidelity" ...might help shed some light on the subject for her. Anywho.....I think that your friend is in a bad place, and unless she's inherently a BAD person......then you may want to help her by being as honest as possible. In my mind.....that's what a true friend does...without judgement. Just my two cents. OK so if I am honest. Meaning I say what??? You are unhappy, your marriage is not awesome. You need to address these issues and you are contstantly depressed as a result. You need counseling and you need to look at your situation for what it really is. I am not judging what you did I am concerned about you and feel you are not the same person anymore. What? Here is where I am thrown. You FK your co-worker for 3 years and let me say it was a lot. Also they had a RELATIONSHIP this was not a fling. They exchanged presents and such. And then you say to me, I have an awesome marriage? huh?? what??? I must look stupid.......
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Point her in the direction of counselling. She seems to want to talk about it, but doesn't want to hear what you have to say.. Like if it doesn't fit her mould, she's going to tune you out if she doesn't like what you are saying. Stop asking her, (not saying you do, but don't bring it up at all) and when she brings it up, gently tell her that you have been trying to help her, be there for her but maybe it would be better if she saw a therapist to help her get over the A, and focus on her marriage. This is working you up and yes, she is your friend, you care about her, but it's too much if it's affecting you this way.
Author SummerLady Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Point her in the direction of counselling. She seems to want to talk about it, but doesn't want to hear what you have to say.. Like if it doesn't fit her mould, she's going to tune you out if she doesn't like what you are saying. Stop asking her, (not saying you do, but don't bring it up at all) and when she brings it up, gently tell her that you have been trying to help her, be there for her but maybe it would be better if she saw a therapist to help her get over the A, and focus on her marriage. This is working you up and yes, she is your friend, you care about her, but it's too much if it's affecting you this way. It does not affect me as much as insults me when anyone says things like hey my marriage is terrific and I ***ed this other guy for years.. It insults me as why would you say that to me and think I would believe it?? Really...does that make sense. Maybe she thinks I am an idiot.......who would believe that???
Woggle Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I know she is your friend but do not drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the logic of a woman in the fog.
sotagoon Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Just my opinion.....It sounds as though she may be looking at you to say something to help her justify her actions. Like if you agree that she was justified in doing what she did...then it MUST be OK???????? Maybe just ask her what her motive is in telling you this????? You could tell her that what she is telling you in contradictory and she can't have an EA-Relationship and still have a "Great Marriage". Ask her if she told her husband what was going on......would he say...."Yeah we have a great marriage"??????? She obviously has no respect or loving feelings toward her husband as a person....but maybe just enjoys the luxuries of the comfort and life he provides her???? I thought my relationship was great because I trusted her 1,000%. What did I get for that....a kick in the nuts...debt...and her running off to another guy that doesn't give her s**t except a shoulder to cry on and a shag every now and then. So much for being a good man and making her life easier.....eventually it gets you nowhere. She needs to see a trained professional to get her brain untangled...she needs to have respect for you, her husband and anyone she cares about...that is obviously missing on all fronts...especially with you.
Author SummerLady Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 Just my opinion.....It sounds as though she may be looking at you to say something to help her justify her actions. Like if you agree that she was justified in doing what she did...then it MUST be OK???????? Maybe just ask her what her motive is in telling you this????? You could tell her that what she is telling you in contradictory and she can't have an EA-Relationship and still have a "Great Marriage". Ask her if she told her husband what was going on......would he say...."Yeah we have a great marriage"??????? She obviously has no respect or loving feelings toward her husband as a person....but maybe just enjoys the luxuries of the comfort and life he provides her???? I thought my relationship was great because I trusted her 1,000%. What did I get for that....a kick in the nuts...debt...and her running off to another guy that doesn't give her s**t except a shoulder to cry on and a shag every now and then. So much for being a good man and making her life easier.....eventually it gets you nowhere. She needs to see a trained professional to get her brain untangled...she needs to have respect for you, her husband and anyone she cares about...that is obviously missing on all fronts...especially with you. Yes its very odd. Not sure how she lives with herself as she was having sex with this co-worker in her and her husband's bed, they would sneek to her house during the day when everyone was away, 3 times a week... If you knew her outside of this you would be shocked by it...She is very nice and overall a good person. I am perplexed that she keeps stating her marriage is great?? Maybe she is trying to convince herself. I think she will be divorced eventually as she is misreable and won't take ownership now. Her husband is a nice man but they are not a good fit. I think she just wanted to get married BUT he is not the one for her. Poor excuse just my oberservation. I do feel bad for him. I am divorced and he picked up the the phone the other day when I called her and he said to me aren't you glad to be out of a bad marriage. All I could think was do you know your in a bad marriage? Poor guy.........Clueless.......
sotagoon Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Sorry...but she has lost her "Good Person" card long ago. In their bed??????...what a piece of trash! I apologize for the negative tone...just really hits a nerve over here. If I were you.....I would keep my distance. Good luck!
seibert253 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Does her husband know his wife was boinking another man in his bed for three years? I bet that would change his attitude about the marriage. If he doesn't know, maybe you should tell him. You've been where he is. You did not deserve it, neither does he. Not busting on you, just making some observations.
hurting_in_nw Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 I agree with seibert253. Her marriage wouldn't be so "awesome" if her husband knew she was a lying tramp. That's one thing I hate about cheaters...they seem to think they are in a position to make judgements on their relationships even though the other partner doesn't have all the facts. It's disgusting.
floridapad Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 She definately needs counseling. Perhaps her marriage is not as bad as you may think but some thigns I'm sure are missing in the marriage and some other things are probably just inside herself. Perhaps she knows that her marriage is OK (nothing great nothing bad) but she truly wants everything. This is something she has to figure out herself.
Author SummerLady Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 I would tell her husband. I see your point but I cannot tell him. Its not my place. I am sometimes shocked he does not know but it took me a while to find out that my ex cheated. I don't agree with what she did but its not for me to blow the whistle. I know you understand this.....I do feel bad, don't get me wrong. i can't even look him in the face. I avoid seeing them as a couple mostly...
Author SummerLady Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Sorry...but she has lost her "Good Person" card long ago. In their bed??????...what a piece of trash! I apologize for the negative tone...just really hits a nerve over here. If I were you.....I would keep my distance. Good luck! I know I know, horrible, not defending her, won't. Looks bad is bad. I know. i was just saying if you knew her in general you would be shocked. Nothing shocks me anymore really:(
mimidarlin Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 I am on board with calling her the trashy b***h. Three years?!!!! Holy s**t! My husband had an affair. He'll say it was "only" kissing so it wasn't a "real" affair. They all have rationalize it to themselves. It's wrong....morally wrong. If she can treat her husband like this for three years she is not a "good" person. Honestly, I am having trouble reconciling my husbands behavior with the "good" person I thought he was and it only went on for a month. My trust has been so violated by the person I trusted more than anyone in my life that I'm not sure I'll trust anyone again. Have pity on her poor husband. Tell him. send it anonymously. others will disagree that it isn't your place to expose the fact. Isn't ignoring it or not commenting the same as condoning. She thinks she can talk to you about it so she thinks that it doesn't bother you.
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