sttropez Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) Got divorced early last year after 13 year marriage. Ex husband cheated. Anyway wasn't looking for anything and ended up meeting a "nice" guy. He became a great mentor helping me cope with what had happened because years before it had happened to him. It was a distance relationship for 10 months. We grew incredibly close. He was everything I had dreamed of to look for in a person. He moved in two months ago. But I promised myself after my divorce that if I were to ever date again I would never ignore the "red" Flags again. A couple of times he has made descisions without consulting me. Descisions to travel and not invite me when I am his supposed girlfriend. I however out of respect before I make a big descision consult with him on his thoughts? He is close with his extended family and sometimes puts their needs before mine now. He has a child that lives out of the country. Told me that his child is his 1st priority which I thought I understood. I have children and could relate. My kids adore him and he has been very helpful to them getting over the divorce situation, helping them with self esteem, etc. Now just before we were to spend the holidays together, after he said he was staying with me he tells me one morning I am going there for Xmas and new years now. I was in shock, disappointed, and crushed. We were not going to go to save $. I did not have extra $ for plane fare. I was soooo looking forward to our first holiday season together. After a few days I grew more upset and when I shared my feelings with him. He said I needed to be more supportive and he wanted to go see his child. I think if we are building a life and family together we all go or we don't. Am I overreacting. I am trying to be supportive but I feel so abandoned. I worry this is a sign of things to come. When I told him how I felt he looked at me with three heads and said he did not think he did anything wrong? I don't know what to do. That he would just take off is a deal breaker for me. But he is so wonderful on a regular basis and so good with my kids. Anyone's thoughts? Insight? I have no idea how to act with him when he gets back. I am still so hurt he left me here. Edited December 27, 2009 by sttropez spelling
curiousnycgirl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 This would be a huge isse for me - especially because you are living together. First of all - why would he have presented it as a foregone conclusion? Why not discuss it in advance, before booking the trip? Secondly if you are living together - I would think you have a right to expect to spend holidays together. Feels like he is comfortable having you share YOUR life with him, but not ready to share his with you. I'm sorry
sagetalk Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 This post makes me sad. He should have told you sooner, but I don't know the situation. Maybe his kid was mad he wasn't coming. You have to understand that you are not 18 and entering a relationship with a guy that has no attachments. He has a kid and the kid was in his life before you were. The kid is his flesh and blood. If he was my Dad and he didn't come to see me on Christmas because his new girlfriend didn't want him to. I would be destroyed, absolutely ruined. Rejection from your Dad is one of the most devastating things a son/daughter can go through. It seems this guy understands that and he wants to be there for his kid. If you're upset because you will be alone on Christmas, then maybe this guy is wrong for you. If you need a guy that's always going to be physically beside you, dating a guy with a kid far way may not be the best fit. If you're going to stay with this guy, you will have to be more forgiving about him dropping everything for his kid. That's what good Dads do. They don't put girlfriends above their kids. I think it would be a shame to drop the guy because he cares about his kid, but if you need a guy that will always think about you and your needs first, then this guy will probably not provide that kind of relationship for you. I'm going on very little information here. Search yourself and see why it is you're really mad at him. Post your reason and maybe I could help more. From what I read, I don't think he abandoned you. I think he just really loves his kid.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 How often did you two see each other during the LDR? I think you moved too quickly having him move in and now you're jealous you are not number 1 and his child is.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 the words *red flags* in a thread title is a red flag to me.... means inevitably, and invariably, that there is one.... Sagetalk, hopesndreams, I don't think it's so much that he has priorities - understandably. I think the main problem is the lack of communication, and the timing of the bombshell. My partner and I both have kids in their teens, and we both know our children are uber-important. But we still consider the opinion of the other, and discuss family matters before coming to a decision. It's compromise and communication. And you know what? Sometimes, depending on the circumstance, even though our children are the most important people, they may not have priority. That's not a contradiction in terms. It is the way it is, sometimes, and sometimes, it's not practical to put them first, every time, even though they come first, every time. There is the distinction. so, I'm afraid I side with the OP. When you start a relationship with someone who already has family, you have to exercise flexibility, co-operation, understanding and respect. And it should always cut both ways. he's assuming too much, and expecting too much. And I think you'd be right to consider discussing this with him, even if you do it in counselling. Take a note of my post. I have thought long and hard about it, and I don't think I'm too far off the mark.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Fact remains that they moved in together without getting to really know each other first. OP, you weren't ready for another relationship. He was your mentor. Also, there isn't the word love anywhere in your post. Why is that?
New_Life08 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Curiousgirl is right on! Long distance relationships are over-rated. Seldom is the person exactly what they represent. They are no more caring, understanding, or trusting than a person you could meet locally. Anyway, like curiousgirl said...it is a situation where whats yours is is his and what his is his. I think he needs to work on some forethought. If he said he would spend the holidays with you...that is what he should do. If the two of you have $ struggles, how can he afford to go see his son? I do think this is a red flag...just my opinion.
aerogurl87 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 What is a red flag to me is the fact that the OPs boyfriend moved in after less than a year and she said he was her mentor not the guy she fell in love with. OP does he love you or did he just move in for emotional support?
sagetalk Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 OP does he love you or did he just move in for emotional support? I think this question goes both ways.
2sunny Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I worry this is a sign of things to come. When I told him how I felt he looked at me with three heads and said he did not think he did anything wrong? I don't know what to do. That he would just take off is a deal breaker for me. But he is so wonderful on a regular basis and so good with my kids. Anyone's thoughts? Insight? I have no idea how to act with him when he gets back. I am still so hurt he left me here. of course it is a sign of things to come... he does his thing and expects you will understand. the fact that he looked at you like you had three heads means he isn't comprehending your position - mainly because he doesn't care what you think - he wants to do things his way whether you like it or not. of course you know what to do - you just don't want to be alone. wonderful or not - he just doesn't care like you do enough to consider you or have you as his priority - he already told you that - did you not believe him? he left you out now - he will leave you out in the future so expect more of the same... not his fault - he's being clear about his priorities. sure you know how to act when he gets back - don't see him, change the locks and tell him these are your boundaries, he should be expected to respect you and your boundaries.
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