DanielH Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 We talk through email and instant messenger everyday. And because of that I have developed feelings. But she lives on the other side of the world and has a boyfriend. (is it weird that someone with a boyfriend would communicate with someone else so much?). She had the boyfriend before she started talking to me. Like today we talked online for about four hours. What should I do: (a) tell her, see what happens (b) tell her we need to email less, not say or lie about why © tell her we need to stop, not say or lie about why (d) b or c but be honest about why (e) carry on, you'll get over it Or something else. I would really just like to get over this but she has become so close that I feel it would be wrong to stop talking to her. Also she sent me a Christmas present so I'd feel rude if I told her to bugger off so soon after. Thanks. This has been bugging me for like six months. F*** I am such a loser.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 it doesn't sound like you have ever met her, she is in fact a fantasy. you have feelings for someone you don't know because online chat is very very far from real life. we can all pretend to be someone online we are in fact not even close to in real life. I bet if you met her, you would find a lot of things that would put you off (her voice, her manners, all the small things that matter to us when we meet someone) forget that and find a real person. phase her out (tell her you are getting busier and busier with something) and talk to girls more in person
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Online friendships with the opposite sex can be tricky, and since you have feelings (she probably does too) keep in mind, even though you feel you 'know' eachother, you do but it's only online, and fantasy.. It tricks your mind, your heart into believing it's REAL. The feelings may be real but you really can't "know" someone truly unless you've met them face to face in real life. Lots of people click online, have a connection, but that all could change once meeting face to face. Obviously in your situation, she has a boyfriend and isn't available to pursue whatever it is between you two to the next level.. So, it's emails, text's, chatting online. Each of you are getting something out of this, and it may not be healthy, for either of you. You like her, have feelings for someone you've never met and she's taken. A set up for heartache and pain.. She has a boyfriend and shouldn't be chatting to you so much either..I mean if you were her bf, how you would feel if you knew she was talking to some guy online for hours on end? Get out into the real world and meet people. Just be honest and tell her how you feel, and that it's getting harder to keep the friendship going, it's hurting you and unfair since distance and the fact she has a boyfriend.
Author DanielH Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 it doesn't sound like you have ever met her, she is in fact a fantasy. you have feelings for someone you don't know because online chat is very very far from real life. we can all pretend to be someone online we are in fact not even close to in real life. I bet if you met her, you would find a lot of things that would put you off (her voice, her manners, all the small things that matter to us when we meet someone) forget that and find a real person. phase her out (tell her you are getting busier and busier with something) and talk to girls more in person I haven't met her and I actually don't know that well what she looks like. Photos have been exchanged but I wouldn't recognise her walking down the street Online friendships with the opposite sex can be tricky, and since you have feelings (she probably does too) keep in mind, even though you feel you 'know' eachother, you do but it's only online, and fantasy.. It tricks your mind, your heart into believing it's REAL. The feelings may be real but you really can't "know" someone truly unless you've met them face to face in real life. Lots of people click online, have a connection, but that all could change once meeting face to face. Obviously in your situation, she has a boyfriend and isn't available to pursue whatever it is between you two to the next level.. So, it's emails, text's, chatting online. Each of you are getting something out of this, and it may not be healthy, for either of you. You like her, have feelings for someone you've never met and she's taken. A set up for heartache and pain.. She has a boyfriend and shouldn't be chatting to you so much either..I mean if you were her bf, how you would feel if you knew she was talking to some guy online for hours on end? Get out into the real world and meet people. Just be honest and tell her how you feel, and that it's getting harder to keep the friendship going, it's hurting you and unfair since distance and the fact she has a boyfriend. This seems good but it's harder to do. I'm afraid that I would be losing a friend when in real life I have been struggling to make new friends. Also if I decided to email her at some point in the future things would be awkward and we wouldn't be as friendly as we are now. On the other hand I sometimes get really depressed after talking to her or if we don't talk for whatever reason that day. I wouldn't be happy if I were her boyfirend. She says he knows and doesn't care that much. I suspect maybe he doesn't know quite how much we talk? She said that if I got a girlfriend, she hopes that the girlfriend wouldn't care.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 On the other hand I sometimes get really depressed after talking to her or if we don't talk for whatever reason that day. I wouldn't be happy if I were her boyfirend. She says he knows and doesn't care that much. I suspect maybe he doesn't know quite how much we talk? She said that if I got a girlfriend, she hopes that the girlfriend wouldn't care. her boyfriend doesn't care because he knows her and he knows she is only interested in you as a friend. and quite rightly so since you have never met her. she doesn't mind if you get a girlfriend because she doesn't feel romantically about you, she has a proper, real-life boyfriend. you must meet girls in real life and give up on this fantasy. this is all it is, a fantasy with a person with imaginary traits.
Author DanielH Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 her boyfriend doesn't care because he knows her and he knows she is only interested in you as a friend. and quite rightly so since you have never met her. she doesn't mind if you get a girlfriend because she doesn't feel romantically about you, she has a proper, real-life boyfriend. you must meet girls in real life and give up on this fantasy. this is all it is, a fantasy with a person with imaginary traits. Haha harsh :-) You know I already feel stupid about this right? I'm not good at meeting people in real life. That will take a long time I think. I don't like clubbing and drinking (ironically as that is what I need to open up) and that is what most people my age like. So meeting someone in real life seems life a very distant possible solution.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Haha harsh :-) You know I already feel stupid about this right? I'm not good at meeting people in real life. That will take a long time I think. I don't like clubbing and drinking (ironically as that is what I need to open up) and that is what most people my age like. So meeting someone in real life seems life a very distant possible solution. sorry, I just felt you needed a reality check. I never liked clubbing and didn't really start drinking until I was about 30 but still met lots of people. there is absolutely no excuse not to get out there. it is much better to take up something that allows you to meet people (preferably girls too) rather than just drinking. something outdoorsy for example or dance classes or anything that's social. it's a good way to talk to people
Author DanielH Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 sorry, I just felt you needed a reality check. I never liked clubbing and didn't really start drinking until I was about 30 but still met lots of people. there is absolutely no excuse not to get out there. it is much better to take up something that allows you to meet people (preferably girls too) rather than just drinking. something outdoorsy for example or dance classes or anything that's social. it's a good way to talk to people I tried a few things. Like I joined a canoe club (to find out I don't enjoy it that much but also they are a very tight group that was hard to really break into) and I tried salsa but one hour a week for eight weeks isn't enough time for me to show people who I am. Other activities I have done over the years are things like triathlon squads where a lot of people were around thirty and the people my age were guys. And everyone was always too exhausted to talk much :-) Guitar lessons, kind of lonely really since they are one on one. I've definitely withdrawn into myself over the last couple of years. I think any girl I meet now, it would take so long for me to feel comfortable around them that I would just be friends with them by then.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I tried a few things. Like I joined a canoe club (to find out I don't enjoy it that much but also they are a very tight group that was hard to really break into) and I tried salsa but one hour a week for eight weeks isn't enough time for me to show people who I am. Other activities I have done over the years are things like triathlon squads where a lot of people were around thirty and the people my age were guys. And everyone was always too exhausted to talk much :-) Guitar lessons, kind of lonely really since they are one on one. I've definitely withdrawn into myself over the last couple of years. I think any girl I meet now, it would take so long for me to feel comfortable around them that I would just be friends with them by then. not necessarily. I am 37 years old and men constantly surprise me. I met a 21 year-old in January this year and we hit it off straight away and went out for a while. what an amazing boy he was, I never dated anyone that young in my entire life before, not even when I was 18. you just don't know when you meet someone that you feel comfortable around. there is absolutely no way of telling. you need to be open to new experiences though and it would definitely help if you found something you enjoyed doing because that sort of confidence is very attractive (plus you would keep at it longer). a lot of different activities make you look like an interesting person too and make finding conversation topics much easier. just keep going and hopefully you find something you really like, the rest will come with that. well done for not just sitting at home I reckon this is only a minor blip
Author DanielH Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I do sit at home a lot. More so this year when I realised I wasn't a big drinker (or my body couldn't handle a big night very well). So I suppose I should start to distance myself from her then.
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I do sit at home a lot. More so this year when I realised I wasn't a big drinker (or my body couldn't handle a big night very well). So I suppose I should start to distance myself from her then. why don't you drink slowly something you can handle? that's what I did for years. yes I think distancing yourself would be a good thing. how about trying it for a while at least just to see how it goes? she has a boyfriend after all
Author DanielH Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 why don't you drink slowly something you can handle? that's what I did for years. yes I think distancing yourself would be a good thing. how about trying it for a while at least just to see how it goes? she has a boyfriend after all I could tell her I'm going to the beach, it is summer where I am afterall. Or should I be honest and just say I need to stop for a while? But say I stop emailing for a couple of weeks, I'm not sure that that will do much. And it certainly isn't enough time to meet someone else or put her out of my mind.
ordinary_girl Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I could tell her I'm going to the beach, it is summer where I am afterall. Or should I be honest and just say I need to stop for a while? But say I stop emailing for a couple of weeks, I'm not sure that that will do much. And it certainly isn't enough time to meet someone else or put her out of my mind. so you are in the southern hemisphere?? lucky you. depends how you distance yourself. if you can slowly phase out communication that's good too. if you think you need to be more drastic then you need to give it at least 2 months. even if you don't meet anyone special, I think it would be healthy if you didn't rely so much on one person (especially someone so far away) for your social needs. you know maybe seeing your friends more, going to the beach lots, etc would help weaning yourself off her. you will probably need to tell her something that stops her corresponding with you, if say you are off to the beach she will keep trying getting in touch.
Author DanielH Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 so you are in the southern hemisphere?? lucky you. depends how you distance yourself. if you can slowly phase out communication that's good too. if you think you need to be more drastic then you need to give it at least 2 months. even if you don't meet anyone special, I think it would be healthy if you didn't rely so much on one person (especially someone so far away) for your social needs. you know maybe seeing your friends more, going to the beach lots, etc would help weaning yourself off her. you will probably need to tell her something that stops her corresponding with you, if say you are off to the beach she will keep trying getting in touch. Yea, I'm from NZ. Oh I already did the beach thing. I said I was going to our beach house for a while because it is lonely at home by myself. I have said we don't get internet at the beach house (which is true). I basically have until the fourth of January, she knew I would have to be back home by then. I suppose after that I could come up with something that would give it more time. Like I won't be doing the summer course and I am going back to the beach or something. That would give me a couple of months. I feel bad for lying. This is actually harder than I thought.
ordinary_girl Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Yea, I'm from NZ. Oh I already did the beach thing. I said I was going to our beach house for a while because it is lonely at home by myself. I have said we don't get internet at the beach house (which is true). I basically have until the fourth of January, she knew I would have to be back home by then. I suppose after that I could come up with something that would give it more time. Like I won't be doing the summer course and I am going back to the beach or something. That would give me a couple of months. I feel bad for lying. This is actually harder than I thought. it's up to you to do whatever you think is best to sort yourself out. give it until the 4th and see how you feel about the next phase. I don't want to put ideas in your head and tell you what to do just want to encourage you to open up your life more. it's your call but taking control is a good thing in my opinion
Author DanielH Posted December 29, 2009 Author Posted December 29, 2009 So I sent the email this morning. I got a short reply from her a few hours later saying have a good time basically. I didn't reply because I'm gone. Then a few hours later I got another email, this one longer and a direct reply to the one I sent her in the morning. It was nice and long. It said she'd miss the emails (important distinction from me I think) and that I shouldn't be surprised if I come back and there are quite a few emails sitting in my inbox from her. I really wanted to reply. It's going to make me feel bad if I get one from her in the next few days when she isn't even expecting me to reply. I am alone at the moment at home (for a couple of weeks). I had a couple of friends over for dinner so that stopped me thinking about it. Before they came however she was constantly on my mind. It made me feel that I'm doing the right thing but I also felt sad because I realised I probably shouldn't go back to normal after the the fifth of January. But I'll see how it goes, it has been less than 24 hours.
Author DanielH Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 She emailed me again today. She said: I hope that you are having a really fun time and aren't thinking about me at all. She makes this hard for me. So tempted to reply as I feel bad for lying. But I didn't.
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 you are not hurting her so just stay strong and do what is good for you. I think you will have even more clarity over the situation by the 4th.
Author DanielH Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I realized today that I needed more time. So I emailed and told her I wouldn't reply until the end of February probably. She was actually quite upset. But I did it so now I have a lot of time. Maybe I could meet someone for real within it.
ordinary_girl Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 don't worry about her, maybe it's good for her to get a little space as well. well done you! glad you are sticking to your guns, not everyone can do it! I think the timing is really good because it must be so much easier to do stuff in the summer than later in the year. please remember you are doing this also to open your life up a bit more (getting so close to someone long distance was a sign that you have a need for that) and the more stuff you do, the more girls you will meet and the more interesting they will find you. good luck!
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