dazedandconfused10 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Ok so here's the deal - I consider myself intelligent and somewhat educated and I always give other people advice on many things, but I can't seem to make my own decisions or follow my own advice. I think that a part of it is that I am too emotional and I am also too analytical. I can't seem to decide whether I should follow my heart, or my mind, or even differentiate between them! I have been living with my ( now ex) bf since almost the beginning of our four month relationship, because of circumstance. At first, he was everything I could hope for, and more. I thought it was too good to be true, and apparently, it was. Shortly after I moved in, we began to argue. Not even about things that you would think, like chores and etc- he just has a REALLY bad temper!!!! He has never hit me and I am not sure if he would, but I was scared a couple of weeks ago! We started arguing really bad about a month ago. We broke up...and I was thinking of giving him yet ANOTHER chance, when he freaked on me for not inviting him to my staff party. AND I WASN'T ALLOWED!!!!! He threw me to the streets in the rain late at night and called the cops on me.....not allowing me to gather my things even though i said I was leaving! I tried to get them together, but he threw me out in the rain. Anyways,.... there is too much to go into, but he has always had a bad temper. When he is good, he is very very good. But when he is bad, it is BORDERLINE abusive. I love him very much and I live with him. I don't have anywhere to go, and I am really confused about so many things. He tells me he knows he needs anger management and counselling, and that he wants to work on things. I think I have given him enough chances! I have tried to leave several times, only to be sucked back in by empty promises. There is so much more that I don't have the time or energy to write. Do any of you have experience with counselling? Has it worked? What do you think I shoudl do? Leave him and start over again with nothing, couch surfing again......or stay in the spare room as a room mate, or try to work on things and go to counselling? So many factors! ARGH!!!!
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 There's nothing borderline abusive about him - he's 100% abusive. You need to leave him as soon as you can find a place to live - and do that as quickly as you can. But don't tell him your plans because I can assure you that if he thinks you're going to leave, he'll become an even worse monster than you can imagine. And don't move into the guest room and play roommate with him because that will also piss him off. These guys destroy and control people, but they have a huge fear of being abandoned and it can anger them a great deal. Forget about counseling and everything else. It's a complete waste of time. If you let him, he will rob you of years and years of your life, not to mention your sanity. You need to get out, and don't underestimate his anger.
Author dazedandconfused10 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Thank you. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only offer I have had for a place to stay is with a guy from work, who likes me. I would be sleeping on his couch.I did that a few days,and it was fine, but I feel uneasy knowing this guy has feelings for me and I feel nothing for him. I was supposed to have a room available next door to him, but it got rented. So I have a choice between having no room, no privacy, and little sleep and sleeping in a spare room at my ex's house, hoping counselling works. It really sucks right now! I do believe people can change, but I also know it can't happen over night!I also know that I can't stick around for another episode of his temper. Part of me wants to believe that he will get help, but part of me thinks it is all BS. If only I had a place to go right now, I think that would make the choice to leave a bit easier. Knowing I will be couch surfing and at the house of a fellow employee whom I have no interest in but I know is interested in me makes for a difficult decision. Not to mention, I have moved twice in the past three months already and I have no money to rent my own room or place. Quite the conundum, I woudl say!
Golfilla Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Thank you. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only offer I have had for a place to stay is with a guy from work, who likes me. I would be sleeping on his couch.I did that a few days,and it was fine, but I feel uneasy knowing this guy has feelings for me and I feel nothing for him. I was supposed to have a room available next door to him, but it got rented. So I have a choice between having no room, no privacy, and little sleep and sleeping in a spare room at my ex's house, hoping counselling works. It really sucks right now! What you should do is take up the offer of a place to stay, and use the time to get back on your feet and find something more permanent, and make sure you get out of this relationship. Personally, I don't think people should EVER push the rewind button, and it's more relevant in your case, because he's abusive. You shouldn't feel any guilt about staying with this guy because he's offered his place to you unconditionally (as far as I'm aware), so use it. I do believe people can change, but I also know it can't happen over night! People can ONLY change if the person in question WANTS to change. If he doesn't want to change, NOBODY ELSE CAN MAKE HIM. You need to get out and stand on your own two feet for a while. You'll be doing yourself a favour, and you'll probably be doing this guy a favour as well, because if he loses you, he might just wake up to himself and try to change his behaviour.
Author dazedandconfused10 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Well all I know is that I deserve way better than he has been. /I also knwo that i deserve something/ someone great and I am afraid that it may be him, once he gets help. It's true, if it were easier to leave, I would. And part of me thinks I should. But the prospect of staying on some guy's couch, knowing that he is interested in me and that there are rumors at work makes it a little more difficult. That being said, I should just tell people to mind their own beeswax! It woudl be a lot easier to leave if I knew I had a place,... but I don't want that to be a huge deciding factor in things. I knwo it has been only a few months, but I did see myself being with him for a very long time, despite teh fact that I was only really happy in the beginning. I am afraid to lose him, and afraid he will hurt me again.It is a no win situation! I wish I could just turn back time to when things were amazing! I know that I am an amazing person with so much to offer, and that I deserve the same. The crazy part is that I actually believe that he COULD be that man that I deserve. I don't knwo what to think! ARGH it is all so confusing. I am going to seek counselling myself ASAP just to try and piece things together. I know I have so much to offer, but my love for him is keeping me from leaving. WOW. I thought that I would never allow myself to be in a destructive relationship again, but it looks like I am. I know that I am in charge of my life, but I just wish things could be more simple! thank you all for your ojective opinions, I think they will help a lot!
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) Abusive people don't change. Period. Stop thinking that he will. I feel like a broken record because I say this so much, but read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)' and you'll understand why they don't change. The author studied over 2,000 abusive men so I'd say he's an authority on this topic. In a nutshell, they don't change because they feed off of the power that controlling people gives them. They live for it. That's why he makes promises to change that he never follows thru with. He doesn't want to change. He just says that he needs help or whatever else you want to hear so that you'll stick around. He already knows what he's made of - he's just hoping that you never figure it out. Try roommates.com - you can probably find a home to share with someone. Sometimes they're furnished. Edited December 27, 2009 by Angel1111
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Well all I know is that I deserve way better than he has been. /I also knwo that i deserve something/ someone great and I am afraid that it may be him, once he gets help. It's true, if it were easier to leave, I would. And part of me thinks I should. But the prospect of staying on some guy's couch, knowing that he is interested in me and that there are rumors at work makes it a little more difficult. That being said, I should just tell people to mind their own beeswax! It woudl be a lot easier to leave if I knew I had a place,... but I don't want that to be a huge deciding factor in things. I knwo it has been only a few months, but I did see myself being with him for a very long time, despite teh fact that I was only really happy in the beginning. I am afraid to lose him, and afraid he will hurt me again.It is a no win situation! I wish I could just turn back time to when things were amazing! I know that I am an amazing person with so much to offer, and that I deserve the same. The crazy part is that I actually believe that he COULD be that man that I deserve. I don't knwo what to think! ARGH it is all so confusing. I am going to seek counselling myself ASAP just to try and piece things together. I know I have so much to offer, but my love for him is keeping me from leaving. WOW. I thought that I would never allow myself to be in a destructive relationship again, but it looks like I am. I know that I am in charge of my life, but I just wish things could be more simple! thank you all for your ojective opinions, I think they will help a lot! Just because a guy is attracted to you doesn't mean he's going to do anything. If you decide to stay with him, just make sure that he understands the rules. Seriously, you need to get past this thing that your abusive bf has the potential to be 'the guy'. He's not and never will be. I totally agree with the above poster to never hit the rewind button. No matter what kind of convincing performance your bf gives, he's lying. Do not EVER stay with someone who has treated you the way he has. It only says one thing - that you don't respect yourself enough to walk away.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 in answer to your initial question? Two. Hurt me once, more fool you. hurt me twice, more fool me. Get out of there, quickly, quietly and permanently. I echo Angel's advice 100% And if you don't do it - you're showing signs of somebody permanently addicted to an abusive relationship because you think you can make a difference, they need you, or that they'll collapse without you. That's crap. It's crap.
carolinawanderer Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Dazedandconfused: I think a lot like you, as far as being both analytical AND emotional. Here's what I'll say: I got annoyed at little things sometimes in the relationship I had. But I would NEVER have done anything to my ex like throw her into the rain, call the cops, et cetera. As far as if he can change...I'm with you that people are capable of changing. But this guy obviously has a LOT to work on. When I was with my ex, and she had problems with a way I was behaving, I listened. I took her words to heart. If she called me out on something stupid I was doing, I would concede the point, and then follow through and work on whatever it was she was talking about. I'm no doormat, but I recognized when I was doing things that were hurting our relationship. That's what someone who cares for you will do. It sounds to me like he has some issues that have little to do with your relationship. You guys moved in together very soon after you started dating, and it's only been four months. That is the "honeymoon period" for most couples, where each person is careful to put their best foot forward. Clearly, though, he is not doing that, and I can only imagine it's due to mental issues he has. You say he's admitted he knows he needs counseling? I'll be a little softer with him than the others. See if he goes and actually does it. Sometimes people can be pretty messed up for whatever reason but come out pretty much okay after they've gotten some help. That's the point of counseling. See if he does that and decide where you go from there. If you love him, it may be worth it. However, it may definitely be in your best interest to move out for a while if you feel threatened in any way. If this is true, get away from him and give him some time to work on himself. He may (or may not) be more emotionally ready for a relationship after he gets some help.
justaman99 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 This so called man threw you out in the rain with no place to go. NO man does this to a woman regardless of the situation. How could you ever feel safe with him knowing he can just toss you out like wet trash? Think with your head this time. Don't listen to your heart. This is your life we're talking about.
Author dazedandconfused10 Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Hey you guys, just thought I would give you an update. Since I last wrote, my ex was being sweet as pie, telling me he loved me and would do anything to win me back. The very day he said that, he came to pick me up from work and on the way home, he picked a fight with me and forced me to get out of the truck on the side of the road. The next day, he put most of my belongings in storage, under his name. I , of course, had the lease changed over to my name. He would not allow me to come by and get my things. I was forced to call the RCMP. My ex texted and called me several times, saying horrible things and even drove by my work one night and called me derogatory things when I happened to be across the street with a co worker. I told him to stop harassing me and he did not. So I went to the police and filed a complaint and had him charged with Criminal harassment. It was one of the hardest things i ever had to do in my life, but I knew I had to. I am actually afraid of this man , and I know that he has a history of assault and that he will just keep doing it again and again to every woman he dates unless I did all I could to stop it. It is hard to think that I actually loved this man. Or so I thought, About a day after the last incident, I sat there realizing that my body was numb and I did not have any kind of good emotions when I thought about him. He has literally done so much and hurt me so bad and made my life such a hell that all of the love I thought I had for him was gone. What's even harder to accept is that I thought he loved me and I feel like a fool, However, that being said, I am actually doing REALLY REALLY well. I can once again do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and not have to answer to anyone or try to justify it. I can seek out close friendships that I really want but didn't have because we were in our own little world. It bothers me to think that someone like me actually allowed this to happen. It was only really bad for two months, but that is two months too long.No one should have to go through what I did and I now realize it can happen to anyone, even those who claim it can't. SO now the ex has to bring my belongings to the cop station, and I am willing to bet they won't all be there. But I guess I will have to suck it up and move on. He is not allowed to contact me in any way whatsoever, or have anyone else contact me in any way on his behalf or he will be arrested. I finally found the courage to stand up for myself once and for all and to put an end to all the bs, And even though I am couch surfing and I am not sure where I will live next month, I feel great. I am focusing my energy on doing things that make me happy and improving myself because I want to be the best I can be. The next guy I date is not getting away with anything, I have learned so much about myself and relationships and warning signs and I know that I have so many amazing qualities and that whoever I end up with is lucky. And I am so lucky because I got away from the abuse and now I can find someone who REALLY loves me and respects me and treats me like the queen I am.
TaraMaiden Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 Well, way to go sistur.....! congratulations! That's a wonderful update. I'm really sorry you had to resort to doing the things you did, as preventative measures. I suggest you be at the station, if possible, and evaluate the stuff he has brought, in order to see whether anything is broken/damaged, missing whatever. Check with a lawyer what the legal angle is on this, given that you've taken an order out against him.... Find out whether he could be detained while you check your stuff. Have a witness (Police officer) with you, as you check. Show him that you won't tolerate any kind of abusive behaviour, even if it IS at a distance, or via property. All the very best to you, have a wonderful life, and don't regret anything. It's all a learning curve and by the sound of it, this has made you a stronger, more determined and independent woman. Good for you!! Thank goodness you heard us, (though I'm not suggesting we deserve any credit - all we did was 'talk'!) but I'm glad you did what you did! :bunny:
Angel1111 Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I'm sorry it came to that but I'm proud of you the way you handled things. Way to go!
dietpepsi Posted January 12, 2010 Posted January 12, 2010 I agree with everyone else Besides, "Borderline Abusive" If someone is even close to this line, they are already way too far.
Author dazedandconfused10 Posted January 12, 2010 Author Posted January 12, 2010 Thank you all for your support, advice, and kind words! I forgot to mention that there is no way for the police to prove what is mine or what is his, so I may be at a loss. My mom sent me a package for Christmas that I haven't seen yet and she tracked it down and it was delivered the day after he kicked me out for the last time. I have proof of that and I am going to make a list of all my belongings that I am missing ( including a birth certificate) and make sure I get as much as possible back. He is not going to come out on top after all he has done. What a jerk! I will get my stuff back , and I will never have to see him or hear from him or about him ever again. YAY! If that is not closure, I don't know what is!
Author dazedandconfused10 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 So, the bastard lied to the cops and never showed up to his appointment to bring my belongings. He lied and said he put it in storage, which is a lie. He also contacted me when he was supposedly ordered not to by the constable and started to harass me. The cop is not returning my phone calls. What should I do now? This is really getting to me!
Phateless Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Ok so here's the deal - I consider myself intelligent and somewhat educated and I always give other people advice on many things, but I can't seem to make my own decisions or follow my own advice. I think that a part of it is that I am too emotional and I am also too analytical. I can't seem to decide whether I should follow my heart, or my mind, or even differentiate between them! I have been living with my ( now ex) bf since almost the beginning of our four month relationship, because of circumstance. At first, he was everything I could hope for, and more. I thought it was too good to be true, and apparently, it was. Shortly after I moved in, we began to argue. Not even about things that you would think, like chores and etc- he just has a REALLY bad temper!!!! He has never hit me and I am not sure if he would, but I was scared a couple of weeks ago! We started arguing really bad about a month ago. We broke up...and I was thinking of giving him yet ANOTHER chance, when he freaked on me for not inviting him to my staff party. AND I WASN'T ALLOWED!!!!! He threw me to the streets in the rain late at night and called the cops on me.....not allowing me to gather my things even though i said I was leaving! I tried to get them together, but he threw me out in the rain. Anyways,.... there is too much to go into, but he has always had a bad temper. When he is good, he is very very good. But when he is bad, it is BORDERLINE abusive. I love him very much and I live with him. I don't have anywhere to go, and I am really confused about so many things. He tells me he knows he needs anger management and counselling, and that he wants to work on things. I think I have given him enough chances! I have tried to leave several times, only to be sucked back in by empty promises. There is so much more that I don't have the time or energy to write. Do any of you have experience with counselling? Has it worked? What do you think I shoudl do? Leave him and start over again with nothing, couch surfing again......or stay in the spare room as a room mate, or try to work on things and go to counselling? So many factors! ARGH!!!! Tell him it's over until he's in anger management, and then you'll get back together, but only as long as he stays in the program. If he's serious about it, this shouldn't be a problem.
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 Stop letting him get to you. You may have to decide to walk away from all of your stuff. Otherwise, he'll continue to hang it over your head. You can always get another birth certificate. If it's your original birth certificate, I can understand wanting that. You may ask the policeman if he can go to the house with you to get your things. If he can't do that, then I'm afraid that you must consider these things a lose. Or, the other option may be to report your things stolen by him. But if you can't do that, then walk away from this idiot. He will do anything he can to keep you dancing and to keep controlling you. Don't let him. In the end, it's just stuff.
Satisfaction Posted January 31, 2010 Posted January 31, 2010 So, the bastard lied to the cops and never showed up to his appointment to bring my belongings. He lied and said he put it in storage, which is a lie. He also contacted me when he was supposedly ordered not to by the constable and started to harass me. The cop is not returning my phone calls. What should I do now? This is really getting to me! Change your phone number or get a new one and only give it to people who know what's happening and who you can trust. Try and get as much as your stuff as possible but do not do any deals with him! He will probably call you and say if you call off the police and meet me privately, i will give you your things back. Keep trying the cop, if he doesn't get back to you try his superior. Get a social worker, abused women's helpline, who ever can give you support as they can tell you ways of putting pressure on him without the need to see or speak to him.
Silver_star Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 In my opinion, NO CHANCES for anyone that hurts you phsically or harms anyone you know in any way. If its not physical. 1 chance is plenty.
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