MM thinking of going back home!!!!

[crystal_lostheart]

I take it you still haven't heard from him? When was the last time you heard from him?

 

I am betting he is with her --- and he doesn't want to tell you until he gets 'back' and then he can say "well, it is over and done with so no sense fighting about it" or some crap like that.

 

How are you feeling today? ((hugs))

 

Hey There,

 

Yes I have heard from him....he texted me first.... I ignored...then this morning he called....I answered. Told me he has NOT moved back home and that he is still upset about the way I reacted xmas eve.

I told him I would never change my opinion about that and that what he was suggesting about staying the night was not a good option. He said judging by my text messages he thought it was over between us. He also told me that he misses me...blah, blah, blah... all that crap

I told him that I want time to myself and NEED time away from him to make up my own mind about what I want. Obviously my feelings are very raw at the moment and I just don't want to see him at the moment. I actually feel better today about all of this because I felt like I took a stand against him. MM like to have things their own way and for once I didn't let that happen.

[crystal_lostheart]

Why would you care if it is wrong for W,you did not care for her feelings when you had the A with him.

 

Let's be honest you are so insecure and threatened by his W,that I can smell it over here.

 

You are with a confussed boy,does not know what he wants and it scares you,because you know he may still want to return home.

 

Let him go.

 

I don't think you know me well enough to say I'm insecure and threatened by his W because that is not the case at all. What I am insecure about is a man that doesn't know what he wants and I don't know where I stand in this R. Who wouldn't be insecure about that. Anyway, I am taking time out for myself to really make a go of my life without him. That's how I'm feeling right now and I am sure I will make it stay that way....small steps

[crystal_lostheart]

Yeah, I'm wondering, too, if you've heard from him. Hope you're doing ok.

 

It's hard. Speaking to him helped a little believe it or not because it made me realize even more how selfish he can be. Maybe I'm selfish in a way but I can't agree to the things he wants and maybe thats why I need this time to process that an move on.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[whichwayisup]

and that he is still upset about the way I reacted xmas eve.

Such disrespect. He didn't even try to see it from your point of view.

 

The main issue is, he still views you and him as an AFFAIR - A stand still, filling moments in time, and you think of it as a relationship that could grow into a future with him. It's obvious you two are NOT on the same page, each of you are treating it as such, so you are doing the right thing by taking time for yourself, figure out what you want. And good for you for standing up to him, he has to learn he doesn't call all the shots. That's not how it works in a real relationship, though it does work like that in an affair mode relationship....

[crystal_lostheart]

Such disrespect. He didn't even try to see it from your point of view.

 

The main issue is, he still views you and him as an AFFAIR - A stand still, filling moments in time, and you think of it as a relationship that could grow into a future with him. It's obvious you two are NOT on the same page, each of you are treating it as such, so you are doing the right thing by taking time for yourself, figure out what you want. And good for you for standing up to him, he has to learn he doesn't call all the shots. That's not how it works in a real relationship, though it does work like that in an affair mode relationship....

 

All of a sudden I'm struggling. Today I miss him. I miss him so much. I know he is not good for me. I just keep telling myself 'he is an addiction and you need to break it - no one else will do this for you'

[whichwayisup]

All of a sudden I'm struggling. Today I miss him. I miss him so much. I know he is not good for me. I just keep telling myself 'he is an addiction and you need to break it - no one else will do this for you'

 

Replace that habit aka addiction with something else. Start by pampering you. Get a hair cut, go shopping, have a spa day with a good friend. Spend some money on a new outfit, buy some shoes, anything that will make you feel good!

 

Chocolate, icecream, chips..(try to stay away from drinking wine/booze) to have for comfort food.

 

Spend time with family and friends, don't isolate yourself.

[crystal_lostheart]

Replace that habit aka addiction with something else. Start by pampering you. Get a hair cut, go shopping, have a spa day with a good friend. Spend some money on a new outfit, buy some shoes, anything that will make you feel good!

 

Chocolate, icecream, chips..(try to stay away from drinking wine/booze) to have for comfort food.

 

Spend time with family and friends, don't isolate yourself.

 

Thank you. Today I am isolating. I am going to try do some painting at my house now anyway. I just bought a house for myself a few months ago. At least I have done one good thing...Oh and he told me that buying the house without him involved was the wrong way to go about things as we didn't do it together, I should've waited for him....I think somewhere in my head I MUST have a brain to see the picture isn't right here

[Lizzie60]

WoW... this guy is something.. the typical cake-eater.

 

It takes extreme control to do what you're doing.. good for you... stay strong.. and keep him away.. ignore him for a while.. let him know that you CAN take care of yourself....

 

This will totally disarm him... it will force him to make a choice.. her or you... I understand that it is extremely hard for a dad to not see their kids as much as they used to... imagine if you were in his shoes..

 

I have this feeling that he loves you BUT feels soooo miserable without his son... AND is not that unhappy with her... so he might want to try to work things out for the kid's sake..

 

He is sitting on the fence.. cause he's just 'experimenting' right now how he can handle the separation.. the first Christmas is the hardest IMO.

 

Methink he still loves her too... he might be struggling between his 'women'...

 

In reality, he's cheating on his OW with his W..

 

Don't take him back unless he has made a clear choice (divorce, but first he needs to tell her)..

[crystal_lostheart]

WoW... this guy is something.. the typical cake-eater.

 

It takes extreme control to do what you're doing.. good for you... stay strong.. and keep him away.. ignore him for a while.. let him know that you CAN take care of yourself....

 

This will totally disarm him... it will force him to make a choice.. her or you... I understand that it is extremely hard for a dad to not see their kids as much as they used to... imagine if you were in his shoes..

 

I have this feeling that he loves you BUT feels soooo miserable without his son... AND is not that unhappy with her... so he might want to try to work things out for the kid's sake..

 

He is sitting on the fence.. cause he's just 'experimenting' right now how he can handle the separation.. the first Christmas is the hardest IMO.

 

Methink he still loves her too... he might be struggling between his 'women'...

 

In reality, he's cheating on his OW with his W..

 

Don't take him back unless he has made a clear choice (divorce, but first he needs to tell her)..

 

He says he doesn't love her...he is just trying to be civil to her so he can see his child....I think he's lying.

I told him today that I need time...I wish I just told him to p*ss off. He is still angry at me and I am still angry at him. I don't see it working. I just have to now face it and not contact him anymore. It's hard....

[Angel1111]

He says he doesn't love her...he is just trying to be civil to her so he can see his child....I think he's lying.

I told him today that I need time...I wish I just told him to p*ss off. He is still angry at me and I am still angry at him. I don't see it working. I just have to now face it and not contact him anymore. It's hard....

 

I don't know for sure that this isn't fixable. But I do think you did the right thing by pulling away from him and standing your ground. He needs to know that vascillating isn't acceptable and if he can't make a decision, he doesn't deserve to be with you. If I were you, I wouldn't let him back into my life unless he had the divorce papers in hand. Otherwise, you're going to continue to leave yourself open to being hurt. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sure hearing his voice is what tipped the scales and made you start longing for him. That's really normal - just stay strong.

[crystal_lostheart]

I don't know for sure that this isn't fixable. But I do think you did the right thing by pulling away from him and standing your ground. He needs to know that vascillating isn't acceptable and if he can't make a decision, he doesn't deserve to be with you. If I were you, I wouldn't let him back into my life unless he had the divorce papers in hand. Otherwise, you're going to continue to leave yourself open to being hurt. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sure hearing his voice is what tipped the scales and made you start longing for him. That's really normal - just stay strong.

 

It's terrible...the pain is just horrible...hearing his voice did it. I know myself, I will not contact him now...I said what I needed to say and that's that. He said to me if I need anything to please call him. I told him thank you but I'm doing fine and I don't need anything.

[Angel1111]

It's terrible...the pain is just horrible...hearing his voice did it. I know myself, I will not contact him now...I said what I needed to say and that's that. He said to me if I need anything to please call him. I told him thank you but I'm doing fine and I don't need anything.

 

I always find solace in books about relationships when I'm going through stuff like this. It's a distraction, and it helps me realize that usually stepping away from the situation is the best solution for awhile. Some of my favorites are: Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray (talks about how important it is for men to go to their 'caves' - and he's in serious need of a cave right now. all of John's books are great); 'Getting to 'I Do' by Dr. Pat Allen (great stuff on the mistakes we women make in relationships - like being too tolerant).

 

I know it hurts but you do know it could be worse right now, don't you? He called, he's thinking, you're on his mind. Understand that you're valuable to him. If he says he doesn't love his wife, believe him. He's not torn about his love for you, he's torn about the responsibility he feels toward his family. This is a huge deal for men. Just try to understand that. Not that that means you should put up with things that go against your instincts, but it means to understand where he's coming from.

[crystal_lostheart]

I always find solace in books about relationships when I'm going through stuff like this. It's a distraction, and it helps me realize that usually stepping away from the situation is the best solution for awhile. Some of my favorites are: Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray (talks about how important it is for men to go to their 'caves' - and he's in serious need of a cave right now. all of John's books are great); 'Getting to 'I Do' by Dr. Pat Allen (great stuff on the mistakes we women make in relationships - like being too tolerant).

 

I know it hurts but you do know it could be worse right now, don't you? He called, he's thinking, you're on his mind. Understand that you're valuable to him. If he says he doesn't love his wife, believe him. He's not torn about his love for you, he's torn about the responsibility he feels toward his family. This is a huge deal for men. Just try to understand that. Not that that means you should put up with things that go against your instincts, but it means to understand where he's coming from.

 

I know what you're saying and I think I have been very understanding towards him...probably at times too understanding. We are clashing at the moment and time away is what we need. His hope is that time will bring us back together....but time for me just might mean ending things. I am just hurting now and he has had so much time to sort his life out, yet he has not done much at all...speaks loud and clear if you ask me

[crystal_lostheart]

if he's got any wit's about him - he'll look for another her - sounds to me as if he's got the thin end of the wedge with these her's here !

 

Can you explain a little further what I think you're trying to say here?

[crystal_lostheart]

sounds to me as if the poor blighter is just making excuses to escape from a possesive woman, I bet he doesn't head for the X-wife or his child at Christmas - he's probably just had enough of his GF and decided to head for the arms of another more 'understanding' woman !

 

Yes and I guess you are exactly the type of person who thinks they know it all. People like you make me laugh. You have absolutely no idea what the hell you're talking about. And it seems you're a 'new member' here. Like to see what the other ladies think about you're comments on here....

[crystal_lostheart]

I hate to admit it - but you're right - any chap who is in a relationship with a woman - should be faithful to the relationship or just finish it - like ...

 

'I don't like you anymore' or 'I rather fancy an evening round at the X's - cuz you're not doing it for me anymore' -

 

He's probably looking for a way out of his current relationship and hoping to get something started up with another woman - just, he's got to remember - there's a lot of damaged goods out there - and sometimes it's better to stick with what you've got - the singles field is a regular minefield complete with STD's, people who want to get even, users, takers, cheats and severely damaged people.

 

God knows - we've all got our individual problems but will they turn out to be nightmares in a relationship?

 

Yeah thanks but seriously.... I don't need your advice

[crystal_lostheart]

Certainly can do;

 

If I get this right - you are sobbing after a married man who has just created a situation where he knew you would be pleased to be rid of him for a few days (at least) left you to spend an evening with his wife and child?

 

You were (?) surprised that he would leave you to be with his wife? ... I have to agree with previous observations and replies - that he regards you as being the easy woman here and my dear - you have been - for if there were less women (temptresses, easy to comquer) like yourself, then less men would stray from the straight and narrow, because (as you well know) 'we all can stand anything but temptation'.

 

So next time take my advice and loose your heart to a single man - don't try to take someone off someone else - a man WILL return to familiar surroundings especially where his offspring is and maybe more likely again .... at Christmas ???

 

Well, again you don't know the FULL story here and it's no point explaining it further to you. You're on a completely different page. For the record, he did NOT spend xmas eve at the house. Again, you just assume.

[fooled once]

Crystal, ignore those posts ((hug))

 

As much as you are hurting, can you image NEXT year at this time and going through all this again?

 

He thinks it was right of him to want to spend the night at his wife's house, leaving YOU, the woman he proclaims to love, alone?

 

Seriously?

 

He easily could have gotten up early on Christmas Day and gone to her house to watch his son open gifts. There was NO NEED to spend the night. But he told you that was his plan.

 

Did he say where he was? He hasn't contacted you since when before the call today? When was the last time you spoke to him?

 

He thinks it is okay to treat you this way, again, the woman he proclaims to love and want a life with? This guy who has made NO MOVES towards divorce?

 

He is full of it.

 

I have no doubt he cares about you, maybe even loves you.

 

BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH.

 

Sometimes, love IS NOT enough.

 

His actions speak differently than his words. His actions show you he is a man conflicted, a man who wants to go back home.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. You WILL HURT; but you will get through this.

[crystal_lostheart]

Crystal, ignore those posts ((hug))

 

As much as you are hurting, can you image NEXT year at this time and going through all this again?

 

He thinks it was right of him to want to spend the night at his wife's house, leaving YOU, the woman he proclaims to love, alone?

 

Seriously?

 

He easily could have gotten up early on Christmas Day and gone to her house to watch his son open gifts. There was NO NEED to spend the night. But he told you that was his plan.

 

Did he say where he was? He hasn't contacted you since when before the call today? When was the last time you spoke to him?

 

He thinks it is okay to treat you this way, again, the woman he proclaims to love and want a life with? This guy who has made NO MOVES towards divorce?

 

He is full of it.

 

I have no doubt he cares about you, maybe even loves you.

 

BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH.

 

Sometimes, love IS NOT enough.

 

His actions speak differently than his words. His actions show you he is a man conflicted, a man who wants to go back home.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. You WILL HURT; but you will get through this.

 

Thank you - you are right ((HUGS))

[pureinheart]

ARRGGHHHH!!!! So angry today. MM drops a bombshell saying he is 'thinking of going back home' to be with his son at xmas. I told him 'fine' but we are finished!!

He didn't end up going back home but instead on xmas eve turns around and says 'i want to spend JUST tonite at the house (with W there) to be with my son and wake up with him xmas morning'. I said 'are you kidding me - and will you do this every other occassion??'. He said I was selfish, didn't understand and could've been more supportive??????!!!!!!!!! This is a man that left his W 10 months ago, is supposed to be starting a life with me and says this to me on xmas eve?? Is there something I'm missing here??

 

Today I told him to 'pack your things TODAY and move back with your W and leave me the f**k alone'.

 

Granted a lot of this is my fault for being involved with someone as selfish as this.

 

2 years of my life for what??

 

I feel ya g/f...I have not read any of the other replies and I realise this is a long thread....so....based on the OP this is what I think...

 

Your exMM/B/F in inbetween a rock and a hard place....he doesn't need to be spending ANY nights at his ex's house for ANY reason....two things could have happened here....he could have gotten a room somewhere and spent the night with his little guy there, OR asked you to stay somewhere else so that this would not confuse the little guy and had him there.

 

This is not about being selfish, it's about him staying the night at his ex's, I would have told him the same thing you did.

 

From experience I can tell you, and get this exMM/exBF kids are GROWN (you wouldn't know though by the way they act), that it is a very difficult situation....personally I'm done with all of it. His kids run his life and always have.

 

In fact this jerk made it so his ex left him so that his kids would not be mad at him...games, I am so tired of games. I always told my kids straight up what was up...and guess who they are close to....kids aren't stupid.

[pureinheart]

Crystal, ignore those posts ((hug))

 

As much as you are hurting, can you image NEXT year at this time and going through all this again?

 

He thinks it was right of him to want to spend the night at his wife's house, leaving YOU, the woman he proclaims to love, alone?

 

Seriously?

 

He easily could have gotten up early on Christmas Day and gone to her house to watch his son open gifts. There was NO NEED to spend the night. But he told you that was his plan.

 

Did he say where he was? He hasn't contacted you since when before the call today? When was the last time you spoke to him?

 

He thinks it is okay to treat you this way, again, the woman he proclaims to love and want a life with? This guy who has made NO MOVES towards divorce?

 

He is full of it.

 

I have no doubt he cares about you, maybe even loves you.

 

BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH.

 

Sometimes, love IS NOT enough.

 

His actions speak differently than his words. His actions show you he is a man conflicted, a man who wants to go back home.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. You WILL HURT; but you will get through this.

 

This is very good advice....I have to wonder if this guy knows what love actually is...

 

I am so sorry you are going through all of this....think about the day that you will look back and feel very little for this man. Get out now while you can....it's not worth it.

[crystal_lostheart]

This is very good advice....I have to wonder if this guy knows what love actually is...

 

I am so sorry you are going through all of this....think about the day that you will look back and feel very little for this man. Get out now while you can....it's not worth it.

 

He does play games...all the time...he actually wanted his W to 'kick' him out so he didn't have to leave. In the end he left himself and I thought over time he became a better person.....but somehow I don't think so, especially not after xmas.

[pureinheart]

I beg to differ - you came here to ask for advice - now you've got some - you don't seem to want it ! .... are you blonde too ?

 

Sir or Madam, most of what you have had was not needed, although this is completely uncalled for....

[pureinheart]

He does play games...all the time...he actually wanted his W to 'kick' him out so he didn't have to leave. In the end he left himself and I thought over time he became a better person.....but somehow I don't think so, especially not after xmas.

 

I noticed that he hadn't filed for D yet...ya know we just keep hoping it will get better with these types, although it doesn't, the drama just gets more dramatic.

 

Oh and my ex didn't file either after W left him either. I am glad you are not as gullable as I was as I found out later that he was trying to get her back and she ended up putting a restraining order on him and she filed....he told me that he wanted her back so that he could get his finances in order and after that was going to leave her....what a liar!!!!!

[crystal_lostheart]

I noticed that he hadn't filed for D yet...ya know we just keep hoping it will get better with these types, although it doesn't, the drama just gets more dramatic.

 

Oh and my ex didn't file either after W left him either. I am glad you are not as gullable as I was as I found out later that he was trying to get her back and she ended up putting a restraining order on him and she filed....he told me that he wanted her back so that he could get his finances in order and after that was going to leave her....what a liar!!!!!

 

My MM told me rubbish like that all the time... I can't just walk out yet, what will people think, what will happen?? She needs to kick me out....Blah, blah, blah and what was worse, at that point in time, I believed him.