luvstarved Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Fishing for ideas on how to get out of the house and where to go when I do. My H and our daughter together depend on me for a lot. While he can come and go without her much caring, she is like my little shadow and I can barely go to the bathroom without a discussion about it. I can rarely go out at night because it turns into a big "she needs you" argument, or she wants to come with me, but sometimes I just want to get away by myself. I have to see to dinner, homework, bedtime...if it is left to him, they end up arguing about the homework, she'll eat ice cream for dinner, and rather than put her in her own bed, he'll have her take my spot in ours. I have two problems. One is getting out in a way that will not upset my daughter...it should not be hard because she is 11 years old but he cultivates this notion that I am supposed to be here for her 24/7 or else I suck as a mother...if I say I just want to go by myself, well she wants to go, why can't she just go with you, that's not very nice of you! He says in FRONT of her! Sigh. Second, where the ef do I go? I will start going to the gym which is good and beneficial but I don't enjoy it and is not really a good friend-making place...I am looking for suggestions on how to get involved in things that might yield some fun social contact. I haven't had any hobbies or time alone in forever and don't even know what I would like anymore so just any suggestions would be more than I have to work with now... Thx for any thoughts.
doushenka Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Fishing for ideas on how to get out of the house and where to go when I do. I find bookstores, cafés, and libraries quite lovely, but then, I'm the ultimate bookworm. ^_^ and rather than put her in her own bed, he'll have her take my spot in ours. Daughters should not be made to take their mothers' place anywhere, least of all in the parental bed without their mothers there! At eleven, she is more than old enough to go back to her own bed; if that causes serious issues, see a child therapist.
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 It's time to assert yourself. Just tell both of them that every week, you need to go to the gym, on specific days on your own. For that matter, if your daughter is 11, why isn't she out at friends' places or having friends over, some of the time?
angie2443 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Daughters should not be made to take their mothers' place anywhere, least of all in the parental bed without their mothers there! At eleven, she is more than old enough to go back to her own bed; if that causes serious issues, see a child therapist. Agreed. At 11, your daughter is becoming a young woman. She should not be taking your spot in bed with the father when you are gone. You need to discuss this with the father. As for the rest, it kind of sounds like your husband doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of your daughter while you are gone. Does he understand that everyone needs time to themselves, at least once in a while?
giotto Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I can rarely go out at night because it turns into a big "she needs you" argument [...] I have to see to dinner, homework, bedtime...if it is left to him, they end up arguing about the homework, she'll eat ice cream for dinner, and rather than put her in her own bed, he'll have her take my spot in ours. What kind of man are you married to? Sigh...
Author luvstarved Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 What kind of man are you married to? Sigh... Eh, the kind I've been describing all along. He's right about one thing, I have been pretty crabby for quite some time and not able to "focus on the positive"...I am now working on shedding my bitterness and resentments and see where that gets me... I went to church yesterday. I did not tell them until after the fact, said I was just going to run a few errands, because I knew that if I told them ahead of time, it would have been a big blowup. He has discouraged me in the past because it would "confuse" our daughter (he is Catholic, I was raised Protestant and have thoughtfully run the gamut from atheist to agnostic to generic deist to my current doubt-ridden desire to restore myself to Protestantism). It was a good experience for me. Right now my whole social life is around family, most of which is his since mine live 500 miles away. While the rest of his family seems to take my side, the ones I see all the time (him and his parents) see everything as my fault and I am tired of all this effort to break my spirit and whip me into submission to treat him like Mom does. I need to get involved with people who are not trying to convince me that I am a bad and mentally disturbed person, that my desire for a loving and intimate relationship with my spouse is unrealistic and perverse, and that my struggle for fairness and boundaries is selfish and malicious. I don't think I can shed my bitterness while this is the message being pounded into my head by someone who claims to love me. So that is why I am trying to "get out of the house", away from the toxicity. I am going to go to various churches looking for a good match, but also welcome any other thoughts on what to do with myself. A good women's retreat appeals to me, but have not found one that I can both afford and think would be beneficial...
Author luvstarved Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 I find bookstores, cafés, and libraries quite lovely, but then, I'm the ultimate bookworm. ^_^ Daughters should not be made to take their mothers' place anywhere, least of all in the parental bed without their mothers there! At eleven, she is more than old enough to go back to her own bed; if that causes serious issues, see a child therapist. I am a serious bookworm too and love the places you mentioned but have not found them to be a place where I find people to talk to...I have trouble reading these days because of a lack of attention span with all that goes on and because I get constantly interrupted when I try...I also had joined a book discussion group a while back but it was sparsely attended and mostly much older people. But, I do love those places and think that when I am further along with "getting myself back", I will find a way to enjoy them as much as I once did. I had always been a voracious reader and do miss it. Thanks for the reminder...
Author luvstarved Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Agreed. At 11, your daughter is becoming a young woman. She should not be taking your spot in bed with the father when you are gone. You need to discuss this with the father. As for the rest, it kind of sounds like your husband doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of your daughter while you are gone. Does he understand that everyone needs time to themselves, at least once in a while? No, he has near-complete lack of empathy. My mother is getting quite old, mentally not all there, but I am only able to manage seeing her once or twice a year. I am going in a couple of weeks. DD will sleep in my bed while I am gone, I know this. When I get back, I will have to wean her out again. If I even hinted that this was getting inappropriate, he would just declare me to be sick and twisted for saying so...there is in fact nothing sexual about it, but I do agree she is too old to be doing this...esp when the reason is because he is just too lazy to put her to bed on his own.
giotto Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 what I meant is that I find unbelievable that he doesn't want to take care of your daughter and that childcare is entirely on your shoulders, not mentioning cooking and the rest... I haven't read your previous threads, but what does he contribute to family life?
angie2443 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I am going in a couple of weeks. DD will sleep in my bed while I am gone, I know this. When I get back, I will have to wean her out again. If I even hinted that this was getting inappropriate, he would just declare me to be sick and twisted for saying so...there is in fact nothing sexual about it, but I do agree she is too old to be doing this...esp when the reason is because he is just too lazy to put her to bed on his own. There will be. I don't mean that your husband is planning anything or your daughter is. The fact is, she is 11. If she hasn't started developing yet, she soon will be. A father, on some level, notices this. A healthy father has bounderies with his daughter. He doesn't walk in while she is dressing, doesn't sleep in a bed alone with her at night, etc. I'm wondering if your daughter wants to sleep with you guys because she is insecure. You and your husband are a representation to her of the adult world and of her future as an adult. Right now, it sounds like you are beaten down by your marriage. It sounds like your husband is immature and doesn't want the responsibility of bieng a parent. This situation is very scary for a child, especially one who is trying to become an adult. Something needs to change here. You can't keep living like this. This situation is doing you no good and could cause your daughter psychological problems later on.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You are not taking responsibility for finding any fulfillment. Whether your 11 year old daughter and your husband like it or not, you need to walk out of the door of your house sometimes and do things YOU are interested in doing. Let the two of them work out their own relationship during those times. What are you INTERESTED in doing when you go out? You could take a class. Cooking? Dance? French? Join a volunteer group. A book club. A womens' support group (sounds like a good choice to me - especially one focused upon codependency). I do have empathy for you, but the fact that your role in the household and your daughters relationship with her parents have come to this point required a lot of contribution from you. Family counseling? Mme C.
Natureofbeast Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I was going to suggest volunteer work or a class too. Does your husband do anything just for himself too? If he doesn’t I would encourage him to do so too. Nothing wrong with wanting some mental health "me" time.
Agoraphobianebula Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 I think what you need more than a social outlet right now is a good family therapist. I know it can be expensive but you should take a trip to your local library and find out if your community offers low cost counseling sessions or even community support groups for people with issues similar to your own. You, your husband and daughter ALL need clear boundaries set up and you need to find ways to start asserting those boundaries, irrespective of guilt trips chucked your way by anyone. An 11 year old is not a child and should be way independent of you by this age. Your husband needs to step up and assume some HEALTHY responsibility for child rearing. And most of all, you need to stop enabling the both of them to continue with these bad habits. You are not being a good mother, you are just cripling your little girl.
angie2443 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 A couple of people have suggested family counsiling. I think this is the way to go. Good luck.
reboot Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Guess what. It won't kill her to have ice cream for dinner once in a while. Everyone needs some personal time.
angie2443 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Guess what. It won't kill her to have ice cream for dinner once in a while. Everyone needs some personal time. I think the point is, that the father seems to be neglectful when it comes to parental duties. Any decent mother would feel unconfortable leaving their child with someone like this. The father needs to become more responsible.
angie2443 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You, your husband and daughter ALL need clear boundaries set up and you need to find ways to start asserting those boundaries, irrespective of guilt trips chucked your way by anyone. An 11 year old is not a child and should be way independent of you by this age. . I wanted to respond to this. An 11 year old is still a child. They often do not have a good understanding of what bounderies are, especially if they grew up in a home where good bounderies were not in place. It is up to the adults to set the bounderies and teach the children what those bounderies are.
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