Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) So, as some of you may remember, last weekend I was having a hard time reading a girl that I had gone out with 3-4 times. Well I saw her on Monday, just prior to when I left the area for the holidays. Prior to seeing her on Monday, the dates were generally good, ending with a kiss, good eye contact, decent conversation, although not much physical touching (she seemed shy, or at least neede A LOT of coaxing on my part, which I didn't provide in spades). Regardless, the last two dates (inclusive of Monday) seemed to end on progressively lower notes. I find her very attrctive, with a great personality, and everything's good except for the ta-ta (good-bye). On Monday, I essentially called her out of the blue - she seemed pretty excited, and agreed to joining me for dinner in just a few hours. The conversation on Monday was great, good eye contact, etc., but it ended with a hug, mildly awkward silence/banter, then a few weird, pseudo-dead-fish kisses. That said, after Monday, I left her area, and knew that I likely wouldn't see her for about two weeks. Correspondence has generally been on the scant side (she never really initiates, and I'm busy), but nonetheless, I tossed her a "happy holidays" e-mail over Christmas. I said the typical, lighthearted and humours stuff and said that I'd call her in a few days, and that she should let me know if there's a good time to call her (assuming that she's busy with the weekend + holidays). That said, I've yet to hear from her, no holiday cheer, no response, no suggestion on when to call. I can't imagine that this is a good scenario given the mediocre way that the date closed on Monday, but I was wondering what you guys thought. Am I reading too much into this? Did the date on Monday kill any thing that may have existed? Am I expecting too much ove the weekend/holidays given that we've only seen each other a few times and never really dialed up the communication frequency beyond twice a week? Or should I just not worry about it given that I said I'd call her in a few days...so there's no reason that I really need to hear from her prior to the call? Any thoughts would be great. As you may remember, I'm relatively new to the dating scene after a 3.5 year hiatus, so just trying to learn the lay of the land and figure out how things work once again. Cheers! Edited December 27, 2009 by Vintage79
Vasto_Lorde Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 So, as some of you may remember, last weekend I was having a hard time reading a girl that I had gone out with 3-4 times. Well I saw her on Monday, just prior to when I left the area for the holidays. Prior to seeing her on Monday, the dates were generally good, ending with a kiss, good eye contact, decent conversation, although not much physical touching (she seemed shy, or at least neede A LOT of coaxing on my part, which I didn't provide in spades). Regardless, the last two dates (inclusive of Monday) seemed to end on progressively lower notes. I find her very attrctive, with a great personality, and everything's good except for the ta-ta (good-bye). That said, after Monday, I left her area, and knew that I likely wouldn't see her for about two weeks. Correspondence has generally been on the scant side (she never really initiates, and I'm busy), but nonetheless, I tossed her a "happy holidays" e-mail over Christmas. I said the typical, lighthearted and humours stuff and said that I'd call her in a few days, and that she should let me know if there's a good time to call her (assuming that she's busy with the weekend + holidays). That said, I've yet to hear from her, no holiday cheer, no response, no suggestion on when to call. I can't imagine that this is a good scenario given the mediocre way that the date closed on Monday, but I was wondering what you guys thought. Am I reading too much into this? Did the date on Monday kill any thing that may have existed? Am I expecting too much ove the weekend/holidays given that we've only seen each other a few times and never really dialed up the communication frequency beyond twice a week? Or should I just not worry about it given that I said I'd call her in a few days...so there's no reason that I really need to hear from her prior to the call? Any thoughts would be great. As you may remember, I'm relatively new to the dating scene after a 3.5 year hiatus, so just trying to learn the lay of the land and figure out how things work once again. Cheers! You've done more than enough. If I were you, I'd hold off on trying to contact this lady until she responds to you, if she responds to you. If she doesn't, then that's a sign for you to Keep It Moving (KIM). Cheers mate!
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 That was kind of my interpretation - don't bother calling until she shoots something my way. Problem is, I didn't really give her a reason to respond, just passively asked her when would be a good time to call. I can definitely let this girl slide, but as mentioned, I'm just getting back into things, so I might as well practice and learn the lay of the land when given opportunities...we're both pretty busy, so I can't complain too much at a no response after a few hours, in particular since she knows I'm out of town and I told her that I'd call, but maybe I'm being too nice (at the same time, she's likely saying I'm too passive).
Vasto_Lorde Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 That was kind of my interpretation - don't bother calling until she shoots something my way. Problem is, I didn't really give her a reason to respond, just passively asked her when would be a good time to call. I can definitely let this girl slide, but as mentioned, I'm just getting back into things, so I might as well practice and learn the lay of the land when given opportunities...we're both pretty busy, so I can't complain too much at a no response after a few hours, in particular since she knows I'm out of town and I told her that I'd call, but maybe I'm being too nice (at the same time, she's likely saying I'm too passive). I'm in a similar situation as you in terms of relative inexperience in the dating game. The way I reason this is that if she likes you, she can take 10 or 15 minutes out of her busy day to send you some sort of message. You said you're a busy guy right? But you did take time out of your own busy schedule to send her a message didn't you? No one is really ever too busy to respond to messages mate.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I realize it's a simple message, but still, busy schedule, I mentioned calling, and no required answer makes me wonder, in particular since she's working this weekend (i.e. work during the day), and it's been a Friday and Saturday evening (i.e. not a great time to respond as she's likely/hopefully out with friends/family). But whatever, still plan on calling tomorrow or Monday, just trying to get some opinions. Cheers!
jerbear Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 No one is really ever too busy to respond to messages mate. I'll have to agree on this one. She is to busy to make time for you, but not busy for something or someone else. I realize it's a simple message, but still, busy schedule, I mentioned calling, and no required answer makes me wonder, in particular since she's working this weekend (i.e. work during the day), and it's been a Friday and Saturday evening (i.e. not a great time to respond as she's likely/hopefully out with friends/family). But whatever, still plan on calling tomorrow or Monday, just trying to get some opinions. Cheers! Let us know how this one goes.
Vasto_Lorde Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I realize it's a simple message, but still, busy schedule, I mentioned calling, and no required answer makes me wonder, in particular since she's working this weekend (i.e. work during the day), and it's been a Friday and Saturday evening (i.e. not a great time to respond as she's likely/hopefully out with friends/family). But whatever, still plan on calling tomorrow or Monday, just trying to get some opinions. Cheers! I wish you the best on this mate. Let us know how it goes.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I know, I know - I'm an eternal optimist - sometimes it backfires. That said, however, the amount of time since I wrote isn't really out of her typical response timeframe, but still...makes me wonder. I admit - I'm not terribly confident about my read on her, and whether or not I'll see her again, but worst case scenario - it's live and learn...not what I would like, but still better than nothing.
Vasto_Lorde Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I know, I know - I'm an eternal optimist - sometimes it backfires. That said, however, the amount of time since I wrote isn't really out of her typical response timeframe, but still...makes me wonder. I admit - I'm not terribly confident about my read on her, and whether or not I'll see her again, but worst case scenario - it's live and learn...not what I would like, but still better than nothing. Mate- I know there's that tiny voice in your head telling you to call. That voice is already rationalizing the reasons why she hasn't gotten in touch with you. My advice to you mate is to take a 12 gauge shotgun and kill that voice. It'll also do you a lot of good if you dump the optimist approach in general and adopt a more realistic or pragmatic approach.
D-Lish Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I'd say that the "dead fish" kisses and the fact that you could take her or leave her should be an indicator that she's not worth the pursuit. When I am interested in someone, I respond to a message as soon as I can. I rarely respond asap- but I will do so within a few hours. The truth is, when you like someone, you'll keep the convo going by texting back. These days, everyone keeps their cell in their pocket- and it takes 2 seconds to text someone back, so being too busy isn't a good excuse.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 So you'd not contact a girl at all, unless they respond to what you last sent, even if you said you'd call them in a few days? Just curious to get your take on things. Moreover, what's the harm in actually in calling in a day or two if she hasn't responded? If she hasn't responded, worst case scenario, she doesn't answer the phone, at which point I definitely kill everything until she call's back. Is the no contact to get her to try to sweat or what? Is the general idea that I said I'd call in a few days, and if I don't, she'll try to contact me a few days later? Just trying to learn. That said, yes, there's the tiny little voice trying to rationalize things...you definitely nailed that part. As for optimism versus realism - I'll take the extra few years of life expectancy, lower stress, and generally happier life, instead of the few extra disappointments, but that's just me...to each their own.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 I'd say that the "dead fish" kisses and the fact that you could take her or leave her should be an indicator that she's not worth the pursuit. When I am interested in someone, I respond to a message as soon as I can. I rarely respond asap- but I will do so within a few hours. The truth is, when you like someone, you'll keep the convo going by texting back. These days, everyone keeps their cell in their pocket- and it takes 2 seconds to text someone back, so being too busy isn't a good excuse. It was an e-mail, not a text, but I get the point.
Vasto_Lorde Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 So you'd not contact a girl at all, unless they respond to what you last sent, even if you said you'd call them in a few days? Just curious to get your take on things. Moreover, what's the harm in actually in calling in a day or two if she hasn't responded? If she hasn't responded, worst case scenario, she doesn't answer the phone, at which point I definitely kill everything until she call's back. Is the no contact to get her to try to sweat or what? Is the general idea that I said I'd call in a few days, and if I don't, she'll try to contact me a few days later? Just trying to learn. That said, yes, there's the tiny little voice trying to rationalize things...you definitely nailed that part. As for optimism versus realism - I'll take the extra few years of life expectancy, lower stress, and generally happier life, instead of the few extra disappointments, but that's just me...to each their own. Each girl is different and you may experience a different outcome in this situation. One thing I've learnt the hard way from my short time in the dating scene is that when you give someone too much attention, that can be a bad thing in the end for you. I think you've done a fair bit and if you did indicate that you'd call then you should go ahead an keep your word. I think it's important for folks to remember that communication is a two way street. You shouldn't be the only one showing up for the game. On the little voice thing - Trust me when I say that bugger is very persistent. He does not die easily Don't mind me on the optimism rant. I think you should do what feels comfortable for you.
jerbear Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I'll add this. For me I've gotten the "busy" line and what I've done was to be "busy" myself. Get a newer life in other words, new hobby, learn something, etc... I'm all for the chase but at some point, if all you are doing is chasing; YOU WILL GET BORED and end things.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 So, contacting her once via e-mail, almost a week into into my holiday break is a fair bit of contact? I mean, sure I haven't heard from her, for a couple of days, which isn't a good sign, but I wouldn't have guessed that much contact was a bit much...you learn somethign new all the time. Next: She's never said she's too busy for me - just says that she has a busy schedule. Up until now, she's always made time for me (within her "busy schedule")...just not sure about the slow e-mail response - she's generally been pretty receptive. Just trying to figure things out - it's not a problem if this falls through, as there are a few others floating around, just figure it's better that I learn to do things the right, or at least better, way. Thanks for the insights...any more?
Left in a Lurch Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Well if YOU always have to provide a reason for her to contact you, not a good sign. The REASON she she has to contact you would be her romantic interest in you. You sent her a message saying you would call after the Holidays, but that doesn't mean if she is interested, there is no reason for her to call you, I think that is your optimistic rationalization. Let's face it, with the holidays most people are off work and no matter how busy they are, there will be a day or two where she is in a robe until 10:00am, goes shopping, takes a nap, goes to a movie, calls friends...but she didn't have time for you, or didn't feel the urge to call you to wish you happy holidays, say hi, or even respond to you with an "ok". I guarantee even on Christmas day she had 8 hours of free time where she could have called you. I think you could string this out for a while, but look into the future say, 2 months from now when you still have to initiate everything. She's not going to suddenly change and you'll still be left wondering what she really thinks, why she never calls, maybe why one night you seemed get a little hot and heavy and the next night she doesn't seem to enjoy kissing you. She probably has fun with you and maybe wants to like you, but just doesn't feel it. You make her laugh and have fun, you just don't make her tingle. I think you did what you could and if you overthink it and keep persuing you'll be pretty frustrated in the end.
Author Vintage79 Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Reasonable enough. Well, I sent her a letter later in the day on Christmas day, and I know for a fact that she was working on Xmas, and every day since (she's a doctor, and currently on rotation, so the busy stuff is legit), but it's all likely rationalization. In the end, I am more than aware that we are likely trying to force this thing on our heads, as opposed to being tingly...heck, I'm not really tingly, probably just want to be. This is just one of a few women, so it's not a huge deal how things pan out - just kind of a learning exercise (as mentioned numerous times). I appreciate the feedback.
Recommended Posts