caged tiger Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) Hi there. I guess I am writing this because I don't know who else to talk to. I am utterly uninterested in my husband. We have been married for two years, together for four and a half. When I say uninterested, I mean sexually, and also personally. Nothing he says is of any interest to me; I find him completely boring. He used to make me laugh, now I find his comments juvenile and silly. The things he does around the house disgust me ... his personal hygiene habits and his standards of living are revolting. I have mentioned it many times but he never listens. He says he is still attracted to me, but I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him. I like to cuddle, and he hugs me so tight and I love that. We still say I love you all the time - even though I mostly feel like I say it out of habit more than anything else. But when he tries to french kiss me, or run his hands down my legs ... uuuggghh. Yuck. Sometimes I look at porn on the internet. I have a reasonable sex drive, I could have sex every day with someone I found attractive. My husband and I used to be like that when we were dating. I find other men attractive all the time, but never my husband. When I look at porn, one of two things will happen - either I'll get so worked up that I cannot help but jump on my husband, just because he happens to come home then. The sex is okay, but afterwards I just feel so disgusted with myself for sleeping with someone I find so unattractive. Or, I'll masturbate and finish myself off before he comes home, just so I can go straight to sleep and I don't have to go near him. He slept with someone else, and I didn't care. He told me about it straight away, he said he didn't plan it, it just happened, and it didn't have anything to do with the other woman, he just felt so frustrated because he hadn't gotten laid in months. I said that's fine, and no more issue. I really didn't care. Some of the people I asked said it was because I am just very very open-minded ... but others said it's because I am "over" him and don't feel married or connected anymore. I am very open-minded, it's true ... I know people in open relationships, polyamory etc and I have no moral feelings about those sort of lifestyles. But I also do wonder if the reason is the "disconnectedness". I feel like I'm sharing a bed with an old friend. We used to be best friends. We used to laugh, and play, and have so much fun together. I know relationships don't feel like that forever, I mean of course they don't. I expected the passion to go, and the fun, even. But the friendship? I did not expect that to go away. I guess I expected we'd at least be freinds forever, even if the sex went. But this? I never expected to be so utterly turned off by just the thought of him, but still have a high sex drive otherwise. I never expected to feel so annoyed at his presence, that I prefer it when he goes out alone. I never expected myself to get so frustrated with the way it's gone, that every little thing he does just makes me more and more annoyed. I don't even want to be in the same room as him. I actually want him to find a mistress, so he'll spend more time away than here with me. Were my expectations of marriage too high? Or is the problem with me? We are discussing MC but perhaps the M is just broken? Edited December 27, 2009 by caged tiger typos
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 When I was leaving my ex, his mother asked me, "If he dated someone else, how would you feel about it?" and I told her that I wouln't care. She said, "Well, that's a pretty good sign that it's over." And she was right - I never looked back. You can do all the MCing you want, but I think you need to start looking at making a new life for yourself - without him in it. You're wasting your time in this marriage.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 The question is not about your expectations. The question is, why are you even still with him? Just agree to divorce, go your own ways, and find fulfilment within yourself.
karnak Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 From what I read in your first thread, it seems your marriage has been having problems almost since the beggining (a crush for another man). Only you may know what's best for yourself. From my personal experiences, I've had arguments and problems with the woman I loved. Yet, even when I was angry with her, I always felt, beneath all the "rage" that I had very deep emotional attachment towards that woman. If you feel that kind of attachment is gone, you'd better start reflecting about your marriage and if you marriage vows still make sense.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Are there any other outside influences? He slept with someone else, and I didn't care. He told me about it straight away, he said he didn't plan it, it just happened, and it didn't have anything to do with the other woman, he just felt so frustrated because he hadn't gotten laid in months. It's over.
bestplayer Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Hi there. I guess I am writing this because I don't know who else to talk to. I am utterly uninterested in my husband. We have been married for two years, together for four and a half. When I say uninterested, I mean sexually, and also personally. Nothing he says is of any interest to me; I find him completely boring. He used to make me laugh, now I find his comments juvenile and silly. The things he does around the house disgust me ... his personal hygiene habits and his standards of living are revolting. I have mentioned it many times but he never listens. He says he is still attracted to me, but I cannot bring myself to be intimate with him. I like to cuddle, and he hugs me so tight and I love that. We still say I love you all the time - even though I mostly feel like I say it out of habit more than anything else. But when he tries to french kiss me, or run his hands down my legs ... uuuggghh. Yuck. Sometimes I look at porn on the internet. I have a reasonable sex drive, I could have sex every day with someone I found attractive. My husband and I used to be like that when we were dating. I find other men attractive all the time, but never my husband. When I look at porn, one of two things will happen - either I'll get so worked up that I cannot help but jump on my husband, just because he happens to come home then. The sex is okay, but afterwards I just feel so disgusted with myself for sleeping with someone I find so unattractive. Or, I'll masturbate and finish myself off before he comes home, just so I can go straight to sleep and I don't have to go near him. He slept with someone else, and I didn't care. He told me about it straight away, he said he didn't plan it, it just happened, and it didn't have anything to do with the other woman, he just felt so frustrated because he hadn't gotten laid in months. I said that's fine, and no more issue. I really didn't care. Some of the people I asked said it was because I am just very very open-minded ... but others said it's because I am "over" him and don't feel married or connected anymore. I am very open-minded, it's true ... I know people in open relationships, polyamory etc and I have no moral feelings about those sort of lifestyles. But I also do wonder if the reason is the "disconnectedness". I feel like I'm sharing a bed with an old friend. We used to be best friends. We used to laugh, and play, and have so much fun together. I know relationships don't feel like that forever, I mean of course they don't. I expected the passion to go, and the fun, even. But the friendship? I did not expect that to go away. I guess I expected we'd at least be freinds forever, even if the sex went. But this? I never expected to be so utterly turned off by just the thought of him, but still have a high sex drive otherwise. I never expected to feel so annoyed at his presence, that I prefer it when he goes out alone. I never expected myself to get so frustrated with the way it's gone, that every little thing he does just makes me more and more annoyed. I don't even want to be in the same room as him. I actually want him to find a mistress, so he'll spend more time away than here with me. Were my expectations of marriage too high? Or is the problem with me? We are discussing MC but perhaps the M is just broken? well ur post shows that ur husband must be a complete looser beause just in two years his wife can not bear the thought of his presence , disgusted with the idea of having sex with him & finds him so unattractive & boring , apparently without him doing any thing significantly bad . MC can not fix this extreame feelings of repungance & antipathy . sounds u r commited to dumping him , so make sure u r honest with him & let him know those real resons for ending this relationship so that he knows where he stands best of luck .
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 He's cheated on you, you're unhappy and not wanting to be married. Get out now and set yourself free so you both can move on and find love/happiness with someone else.
bestplayer Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 He's cheated on you, you're unhappy and not wanting to be married. Get out now and set yourself free so you both can move on and find love/happiness with someone else. i think u did not read her posts it is not cheating that she has issues with its something more serious before his cheating .
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 i think u did not read her posts it is not cheating that she has issues with its something more serious before his cheating . My advice still stands, reguardless of the cheating. I just brought that up because of HER reaction to HIS cheating. Obviously whatever she feels for him is gone and it's time for her to talk to a lawyer and get out of this marriage. To stay and do nothing knowing full well it's over is kind of pointless, don't you think?
bestplayer Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 My advice still stands, reguardless of the cheating. I just brought that up because of HER reaction to HIS cheating. Obviously whatever she feels for him is gone and it's time for her to talk to a lawyer and get out of this marriage. To stay and do nothing knowing full well it's over is kind of pointless, don't you think? completely agree
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Which came first; you feeling apathetic towards him or him cheating? It sounds like you were already not into him and that was his excuse to step out? He wasn't feeling desired and decided to react by cheating. Is that how it went down? What began the sexual vibes cooling down?
coleP Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 As I read this, I kept wondering: what happened? People sometimes just drift apart I guess, but a complete 180 sounds like it might be linked to some event, or some breech of trust, or some discovery about yourself that had been previously suppressed. As others have said, it sounds like it's time to move on, yet there's something that makes me wonder if there is one obstacle that could be removed that would allow you to get back to where you were.
Lizzie60 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 btdt... but not as extreme as you.. and after many years together.. I couldn't stand him either.. I also wanted him to get a mistress... He was attractive and clean though... I just didn't love him anymore. We were together a total of 29 years... You just fell out of love with him.. you hit a point of no return.. leave him.. you'll be much much happier... and him too.. Life is too short to waste it with someone that repulses you..
BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Get out now, its not fair to you or your husband. You both seem uninterested in one another. Do you have children? Where you in love with him when you married him or did you marry your best friend? there is a difference but I hate to say it I don't think MC can help someone who is repulsed by their SO. Good luck
jmargel Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 It's funny how some people can throw all their issues on why their life is so unhappy on their spouse. News flash.. It's not your husband's responsibility to make you happy! Poor communication is the start of all of this, take responsibility for part of this. Leave him, find another guy. Continue your high expectations. Quit doing the work to keep the relationship good. Then complain about the new guy about how awful he is. How about some individual counseling? By you leaving this guy, you are actually doing him a favor so he could find someone who really would love him as a wife should.
Author caged tiger Posted December 30, 2009 Author Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) thanks to everyone for their thoughts and contributions. @ColeP, yes sometimes I do feel like there was a "180", but no matter how much I search, I cannot find the source. The cheating came after we started drifting apart. And it wasn't so much the cheating that made me feel any different about him ... I don't know what it was. @JMargel, I don't know what you mean by poor communication. I have been talking to him through all of this. I probably didn't make that clear in my OP, but he knows everything that is in this post. He wasn't happy to hear it! He is pretty sensitive, as we all are. But he insisted that he wanted to know what it was that was troubling me, so I told him, in the most gentle way possible. He is grateful that I am honest with him. Honesty has always been the way we conduct our relationship. And without trying to sound defensive ... I don't think that projecting my issues onto him is the problem here. I am pretty upfront about my being unhappy *with our relationship* ... not with him. How can it be his fault that I find him unattractive? He's not doing it on purpose! (Okay, he doesn't listen to my nagging, but who likes to be nagged?! I'm trying to stop doing that.) We have been discussing all of this, and after considering divorce, we think it would be best to at least try MC first. We are best friends, as well as everything else that we have been to each other, and we feel that to throw away a previously wonderful relationship before trying MC would be foolish. We have been trying to remember that we are in this together, and if we make it into "you vs me" we will never survive. Will keep you posted on how MC goes Edited December 30, 2009 by caged tiger typos
dazzle22 Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 Given what you say that you are revolted and disgusted by some of his personal habits, I would say that is the reason you can't muster up any romantic feelings for your husband. I mean, can you imagine anyone saying, his habits disgust me but I am in love with him? It is sad that he has not taken your warnings seriously, because I think this has slowly strangled your love feelings for him. I posted to another woman about a book "Mating in Captivity" which is very enlightening about long term relationships. If he is serious about getting your love back he is going to need to curb his "inner slob". Good luck.
bestplayer Posted December 30, 2009 Posted December 30, 2009 thanks to everyone for their thoughts and contributions. @ColeP, yes sometimes I do feel like there was a "180", but no matter how much I search, I cannot find the source. The cheating came after we started drifting apart. And it wasn't so much the cheating that made me feel any different about him ... I don't know what it was. @JMargel, I don't know what you mean by poor communication. I have been talking to him through all of this. I probably didn't make that clear in my OP, but he knows everything that is in this post. He wasn't happy to hear it! He is pretty sensitive, as we all are. But he insisted that he wanted to know what it was that was troubling me, so I told him, in the most gentle way possible. He is grateful that I am honest with him. Honesty has always been the way we conduct our relationship. And without trying to sound defensive ... I don't think that projecting my issues onto him is the problem here. I am pretty upfront about my being unhappy *with our relationship* ... not with him. How can it be his fault that I find him unattractive? He's not doing it on purpose! (Okay, he doesn't listen to my nagging, but who likes to be nagged?! I'm trying to stop doing that.) We have been discussing all of this, and after considering divorce, we think it would be best to at least try MC first. We are best friends, as well as everything else that we have been to each other, and we feel that to throw away a previously wonderful relationship before trying MC would be foolish. We have been trying to remember that we are in this together, and if we make it into "you vs me" we will never survive. Will keep you posted on how MC goes great if u r planning for MC . As u said u had a wonderful relationship previously , I am sure after some genuine efforts by both of u it might even be better than ever before . from ur earlier posts I thought u r just self-centerd but fortunately i was wrong . u r infact a nice & caring person . best of luck
Spooky84 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Wow...it's really sad to hear what awful shape your marriage is in. But honestly...youre wasting your life. Get out now while you still have a sex drive and your youth.
Darth Vader Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 He's cheated on you, you're unhappy and not wanting to be married. Get out now and set yourself free so you both can move on and find love/happiness with someone else. I agree. If your hubby won't listen to you about shaping up, then it's over. The cheating on his part makes him nothing but scum! Have you been checked for STD's? Oh, and the cheating didn't just happen, he wanted it! Only don't stoop to your hubby's level and start screwing around on him. Divorce him first! I say that because it looks like you're a prime candidate for meeting some other man somewhere, enjoying his company, ending up at his place with you riding him all night long in the most passionate sex you ever had. Hubby find out and is totally crushed, etc, etc....... Happens all the time.
gopher Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 It's funny how some people can throw all their issues on why their life is so unhappy on their spouse. News flash.. It's not your husband's responsibility to make you happy! Poor communication is the start of all of this, take responsibility for part of this. Leave him, find another guy. Continue your high expectations. Quit doing the work to keep the relationship good. Then complain about the new guy about how awful he is. How about some individual counseling? By you leaving this guy, you are actually doing him a favor so he could find someone who really would love him as a wife should. This goes for both genders who think the next person is going to "make" them happy, life doesn't work that way.
Baroness67 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Wow. I rarely say this. This is a horrible marriage - get divorced ASAP. If you can't even say you love someone but are not in love with them, and your flesh curdles when they touch you ... good God. This after only 2 years? Why'd you get married??? You must have a child. Poor kid.
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