lovebubble Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 we've been married for 1.5 year(s). throughout the whole time we were dating, he had some insecurity issues, and always made it a point to check my phone. to even things out, i would check his. i hoped for a day i'd have more privacy... 1.5 years later, now that we're married.. i have that privacy. he dosen't ask to check my phone, he dosen't ask to check my myspace or emails.. like he had for 2 years.. and coincidently, now his phone is completely 100% off limits to me. he sleeps with his phone under his pillow. his phone is 100% of the time on him, he'll never sit it down and walk away, and when he sits it down, he sits it down face-flat. i am not allowed to touch his phone.. not even to call the pizza man ( real life situation, he told me no.. i couldn't use it to call pizza hut ). he locks his phone with a code. he keeps his phone on silent always. no paper bills come to our house and you cannot provide at&t with his social as security to find out personal info, he has a personal code for that too. he's pressing buttons on it constantly but, he never talks on it in front of me.. practically ever. i even caught him hanging off of the side of the bed pressing buttons but, he claims he was just setting his alarm. just recently we got into a blow out argument. it had nothing to do with fidelity but, he was 100% wrong.. and he begged me to forgive him. he cried, and promised he'd be a better man.. if i'd let him stay in the house. i finally broke down and told him that he could stay, but that i wanted to see his phone, just to see how he'd react. his attitude completely changed.. he said some mean things, and left the house.. and i haven't heard from him in 2 days. now, with all of this said.. i've never had issues with him cheating. he's home every night, we live together and do most of our activities together.. and i just don't have any reason to suspect him of cheating.. besides the phone issue. should i dig into it? or should i just rely on the idea that if he's doing something, i'll find out in due time?
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I wouldn't put up with this nonsense for two seconds. If he can't be open with you, then you don't have a trusting relationship. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship that's worth anything. Don't let him back in the house until this issue is resolved. And by 'resolved', I mean that he understands that his life is an open book to you from this day forward, as yours is to him, and that if that changes at any point in time, the relationship will be over without another discussion. And, btw, you have every reason to suspect that he's cheating because his behavior screams it. A lot of people who cheat do it at lunchtime or find some other time that doesn't raise suspicions. He has been gone for 2 days and you haven't heard from him? That alone would be enough for me to never take him back. He has no respect for you at all and his behavior is way off-base. He left because you raised the phone issue. That's totally, 100% unacceptable. If I were you, I'd move out and let him come home to an empty house. That would tell him everything he needs to know without having to say a word.
norajane Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I completely agree with Angel. Except I don't see why you should have to move out. I'd change the locks, though, so he can't get in. He's cheating on you. There is no other reason at all why he is so secretive and protective of his phone. No reason at all.
Pink Cupcakes Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I'll take it a step further and say he is gay and having an affair with a man.
sugarmomma Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Secrecy kills intimacy. I would talk to him about it and if that doesn't work I would leave. My xh was the same way and I in turn did the same thing even though I had nothing to hide. Its just a sad way to live. I want a r with total disclosure not because I need it but because its just nice to know that we have nothing to hide. My sister and her h answer each other phone if they are out of the room, etc. I guess its because they don't have anything to hide. Good luck with this one.
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Btw, there's a lot of control behind these behaviors you mentioned: - always made it a point to check my phone - his phone is completely 100% off limits to me - i am not allowed to touch his phone - he locks his phone with a code - no paper bills come to our house - you cannot provide at&t...he has a personal code for that too - he cried, and promised he'd be a better man - his attitude completely changed - he said some mean things - and left the house - and i haven't heard from him in 2 days
lostinthesupermarket Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 He may well be having an affair, or maybe looking at porn? He's definitely doing something with that phone that he's ashamed of and doesn't want you to know about. By always having his phone on him and not letting you catch even a glimpse of the screen he is also being really obvious about having something to hide. IMO his actions seem desparate - he doesn't seem to have control over the situation. I say that because he doesn't just switch off his phone when he's with you. As he has an access code on the phone, you can't check it anyway and he could safely leave it alone and check for msgs/calls at times when you are not around. Instead he seems very anxious not to miss anything that comes in on his phone. Whatever is going on he's placing a higher priority on his secret life than he is on his relationship with you, and being very disrespectful of you. I think you need to insist he comes clean about it. Anyway, good luck & I'm sorry to read that you're in a crappy situation like this
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 He is cheating in some way, shape or form. Trust me, unless you are with him 24/7 under constant surveillance, then you do not know that he is being faithful. When people want to cheat, they make time to do it. He is making time via his phone. At this point, his head is firmly up his ass and needs to be shaken out. Hard. This is the point where you find a ball chomping anti-infidelity lawyer and get a draconian agreement drawn up that has him functionally broke for the rest of his life, and then hit him with the papers. Let him know that his choices are: surrender his unlocked phone immediately, or he can sign the papers and get the f*ck out. It takes being hit with a horrible loss before a cheater will pop his head out of his/her ass to come up for air. If he refuses, then follow through. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 Ooooooooooh, this is a hard one.... Tell you what - change the locks and file for divorce. Sorted.
Author lovebubble Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 good point, sadintexas. he left 4 days ago, and i haven't heard from him since. i think he's not trying to work things out because he knows that the phone thing would still be an issue with me.. and he obviously dosen't want me having acess to it.. because whatever he's doing on it is not going to stop. he's waiting on me to ask him to come back home, that way i'm the '' sorry '' party and i can't press the phone issue. i'm not going to do it.. even though he deploys for a year saturday. i know i'll have to see him again as all of his belongings are here.. so, we'll see how that goes. thanks for the great advice everyone.
confusedinkansas Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 Don't let him back in the house until this issue is resolved. totally, 100% QUOTE] This is a very powerful sentence. And 100% true. Considering the situation - DO NOT let him back into your home, life, the marriage until you have this phone situation resolved. I let my husband back into my life with the "HOPES" that our unresolved issues would & could be resolved over time. It doesn't work that way. Should have listened to my friends that said this exact thing to me many times. I just didn't listen.
LakesideDream Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 good point, sadintexas. he left 4 days ago, and i haven't heard from him since. i think he's not trying to work things out because he knows that the phone thing would still be an issue with me.. and he obviously dosen't want me having acess to it.. because whatever he's doing on it is not going to stop. he's waiting on me to ask him to come back home, that way i'm the '' sorry '' party and i can't press the phone issue. i'm not going to do it.. even though he deploys for a year saturday. i know i'll have to see him again as all of his belongings are here.. so, we'll see how that goes. thanks for the great advice everyone. Deployes Saturday ? All this drama is going on in the life of a soldier who will be deploying overseas to protect his country in 5 days? That puts a completely different spin on the situation doeen't it. This is a problem that you need to solve. It's not going to happen in a few days. I know what it means to deploy with my homelife up in the air... it makes it much harder. I'm really sorry to hear about this revelation. My suggestion is to back off, let him have his property and forget about the telephone for a few days. As you say, he will be gone for a year and that's long enough to sort all of this out. I hope your soldier husband comes home in one piece.
Angel1111 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) Deployes Saturday ? All this drama is going on in the life of a soldier who will be deploying overseas to protect his country in 5 days? That puts a completely different spin on the situation doeen't it. This is a problem that you need to solve. It's not going to happen in a few days. I know what it means to deploy with my homelife up in the air... it makes it much harder. I'm really sorry to hear about this revelation. My suggestion is to back off, let him have his property and forget about the telephone for a few days. As you say, he will be gone for a year and that's long enough to sort all of this out. I hope your soldier husband comes home in one piece. I totally disagree with this. The only thing I would do before he left is to let him know that since he made no effort to resolve this before leaving, then the marriage is over. And then I'd wish him luck. He knows he'll be leaving soon and he's either trying to get her to break down and bend on this issue, or ignore it until he can disappear. That is SUCH crap. He keeps secrets and then disappears for days. This is too huge to ignore. Just cut out the cancer and walk away from this guy. Soldier or not - he's bad news. Edited December 28, 2009 by Angel1111
Author lovebubble Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 sadintexas, this phone issue has been going on for at least a year and has gotten progressively worse. my previous posts are irrelevant to the fact that he's extremely secretive with his phone and has been for a long time now. i'm really hurt that we could not seem to make our marriage right before his deployment.. but, i offered to talk about our problems and let him stay in the home if he'd show me his phone and he chose to walk. on another occasion, i asked him to see his phone if we were going to work our marriage out.. he cursed me and told me that '' i'd never see his phone ''.. started acting really eratically.. and then, he left the home... and came back 2 mins later and only THEN was i allowed to see his phone.. but, i could not touch it.. he had to guide me through it and became really antsy after 10 secs of looking at it. there's something going on and i can't continue to allow it to happen right in my face. my friends say that i'm being '' petty '' and ruining my marriage. i'm torn.
Author lovebubble Posted December 28, 2009 Author Posted December 28, 2009 Your friends know you. Why do you think they're saying you're being petty instead of supporting you? i believe that my best friend is saying that because she's involved with a married man and has stayed with plenty of cheaters and abusers and in her mind, u don't leave someone simply because they cheat.. as that is a small issue. it's a big deal to me.
Angel1111 Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 Regardless of whether other people think it's petty or not, it's a big deal for anyone with standards. It's a huge trust issue and he knows it. I don't know what the history is of your marriage or other posts but I can tell you that this would be a dealbreaker for me. I simply wouldn't tolerate it. And on top of it, he disappears for days. That alone would be grounds for me to leave. You have no idea what he's doing or who he's with. This is all totally unacceptable. I completely agree with you that no one should be doing this right in your face. He's lying to you - there's no question about that. I tend to agree with what one of the other posters said - that he's possibly gay. Because he acts like he's hiding a very big secret and that's the one thing that he would protect above all else.
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