I'm Broken And I Feel Like I Can't Be Fixed

[jlr]

It's been a bad few weeks for me. I've been depressed. I've been drowning my sorrow in a bottle of wine the last few nights, which is rare for me, I'm not a big drinker.

 

Maybe it's Christmas, I don't know. But really it just feels like I'll never get better. I'll never get over my ex. I'll never be able to let this go. I've done everything I should do. I've tried to be positive. And I still feel terrible.

 

I even met a new girl who is very cool. We've gone out a few times. But strangely, it makes me feel bad. Partly because I wish it was my ex, and partly because I feel guilty for being such a mess right now. I feel like it's not going to work. I kissed her the other night. Just a few brief kisses. She had asked me earlier in the night whether I was into her or not, since we'd gone out and I hadn't made an attempt at anything. She said it was sorta refreshing for her, figured maybe I was just a really nice dude, but was curious if I was indeed into her. I felt bad. I had to explain that part of it is me being a gentleman, but some of it is me taking it slow because I'm not healed all the way yet. She understood. The kiss just sorta came out of nowhere, I don't know. Luckily, she goes to school a few hours away and is leaving soon for that. That will give me time to sort it out.

 

Of course, that same day I had a nervous breakdown on the phone to my ex. It was embarassing. I was a crying wreck that day and I dialed her number and hung up before I thought it connected. But it must've went through. She called back and asked if I just called, said it was weird, she had been thinking about me. I told her it was an accident, but she could hear me crying. I said "I'm sorry, you weren't the right person to call about this" and hung up.

 

She just kept calling back, so I picked up.

 

Then I became a complete mess, crying and telling her I can't take it anymore. I miss her, and the longing is too much for me to bear. That I'd give anything to fix this. Told her I spend my days miserable, waiting for her to come back to me. Ugh.

 

She was nice, but generic. Tried to give advice. Tried to say she does miss me, that she does think about me, but knows this was the right choice. That I'll be ok, she promises. **** like that. Most of the stuff she said she missed was pretty vague and non descriptive.

 

Then, on Christmas Eve she called me again to see if I was ok. I didn't want to get into it on the holiday. But she pressed, and I fell apart again. We had like an hour and a half talk that started with me crying and saying the same stuff as the day before. Then we got into some relationship stuff pretty heavy. Then SHE started crying, saying how she misses stuff too. But she made the choice, and it was hard, and it hurt her to do it. And she "couldn't come back even if she wanted to"(?) But that she doesn't. She got pretty heated, angry about things. Saying she was angry it didn't work. She tried so hard. Then she went into the whole "who knows what the future holds" ****. "Maybe in 5 years, we'll both be single and we'll want to give it a shot again" she said. I said life is too short to be like that. I told her it seemed odd that she was getting so emotional about it, and that she was still so angry about some of it. She agreed and then got mad at me. While she was crying about our old apartment, she said "You're good, you know that." And I'm like, huh? And she's like "You're making me feel guilty for the choice I made." I'm like, believe me, I'm not getting joy out of any of this. She just kept saying "You're good" and then said I ruined her day that started out good and she was getting off the phone because it was Christmas Eve.

 

Why'd she call me on Christmas Eve then, knowing our last talk was emotional? Did she think this one was going to be like me saying "Oh, no I'm totally fine now. Everythings Ok. Happy Holidays"? What the hell? And I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty. She asked how I felt, if I was ok, and I was honest. If it made her feel guilty, isn't that on her? I never said she was a terrible person. I even told her I understood why she had to do it. I agreed it was needed. But I also said I missed her and that I wish we could fix it. Now I'm making her feel guilty? Why would she feel guilty if she's so sure about what happened? How am I "good" - I'm not trying to be a ****ing con man here. Jesus.

 

What's weird is that I felt like it was some kind of reverse psychology because I now felt guilty. The things she was mad about in our relationship, telling me I was making her feel bad for making the choice, that I ruined her Christmas. I began to feel bad, thinking "am I a bad person".

 

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I don't like being alive. I really don't. It hurts too much. I'm not saying I'm gonna kill myself, but I've thought about it alot lately. More that I understand where those people are coming from. That I'd give anything to shut this heartache off.

 

Sorry for the long rant.

[Eisenhower]

I'm sorry, man, I feel like I know your pain. What I realized though is that once they've decided to leave, no amount of talking will help and will, in fact, only make it worse. You wind up feeling like a desperate fool and they feel bad for hurting you - but that doesn't equate to them wanting to take you back.

 

I know it's hard. I know it hits you in the face when you wake up and stays with you all day. I know. You've just got to get up every day and fight your way through it. You will get over her - don't pressure yourself to date yet. If your heart is telling you you're not ready, then don't do it. There's nothing wrong with being alone for the time being.

 

I wish you the best and keep your chin up - it will get better, you just have to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't meant to be.

 

Eisenhower

[GrayClouds]

jlr your not alone, we are all here for the same reason, we are hurting and need to heal.

 

You not broken but two things you need to do first:

! Be kind to yourself.

2 Stop drinking

 

The first is important becouse with all the anxiety fo a break up it is too easy to take it out on yourself because no one else is there. And what little strength you current have right now you need it for something more important.

 

The second booze is a depressant at best it is a sort term numbing that going to make it hurt worst letter on.

 

Now that more important thing. You need to focus on yourself. Yes I know you do not want to, you do not think you can, your head is too full of questions that need answers. But it does not matter, what matter is focusing on you and ptting effort in healing. It is not easy but read the following they will help:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

The NC is important. The others things a paramount. Start getting exercise, start with a lot and then do some more. Journal all your thought at night before bed with paper and pen, Write long and hard and fast write until you can not write any more then write more. Write out a list of why she was not perfect. Eat well, good healthy food. Lean on friends and family. Find a professional if things get too overwhelming, if the depression is hanging on too long, to hard. Try some new hobbies, a class of some sort, some things that are social but not intimate, Stay way from rebound relationship, you already learned they will hurt ore then help. Then re-read those 2 post. Right now it is all about you.

 

Good luck and keep posting, you will get through this.

Edited December 26, 2009 by GrayClouds

[McGrupp]

watch this

 

go get dressed up. take your new girl out. go see avatar. it was awesome. take her out to a nice meal. make a move or dont i know it can be hard. especially with someone new.

 

but dont talk about the ex. dont take your life.

 

go...

[GrayClouds]

watch this

 

go get dressed up. take your new girl out. go see avatar. it was awesome. take her out to a nice meal. make a move or dont i know it can be hard. especially with someone new.

 

but dont talk about the ex. dont take your life.

 

go...

 

 

McGrupp your money.

[jlr]

Eisenhower - Thanks. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Your support made me smile. Maybe I shouldn't pressure myself.

 

GreyClouds - Thank you too. What's funny is that I've done almost every thing you've named - diet, eat good food, lean on friends and family, be creative, i signed up for school, i'm seeing a therapist, focus on the things she messed up. Unfortunately, I'm having a major relapse. I mean, it's been a constant pain, but there's been times where it's more bearable than now. You are right, the contact isn't helping me.

 

Mcgrupp - Lol, thanks. I think we're going to see a movie soon. I don't think I'll make a move. I think the other two may be right - rushing this will end bad for everyone involved. But maybe I'll just relax and enjoy time spent with someone new, as I would with a good friend or something.

 

I appreciate all of your comments. I'm really trying so hard to stay strong and to be positive. Right now, I'm not having luck with it, I guess.

 

Thanks again.

[GrayClouds]

 

GreyClouds - Thank you too. What's funny is that I've done almost every thing you've named - diet, eat good food, lean on friends and family, be creative, i signed up for school, i'm seeing a therapist, focus on the things she messed up. Unfortunately, I'm having a major relapse. I mean, it's been a constant pain, but there's been times where it's more bearable than now. You are right, the contact isn't helping me.

 

 

Just remember it is not a linear process, it more like a drunken co-ed walk to the dorm, two steps forward, one backward, three to the side, then repeat. And every times you about to heal a little more you hurt like hell first. Relapse feel like a step backwards but in realty it is preparing for another step forward. Hang in there. Take confidence, your doing the right things

[jlr]

She called again a few days later asking if I was ok. I didn't pick it up. She left a voicemail. She also kept saying 2010 will be better, that 2009 sucked.

 

I eventually called her back, it went to voicemail. She returned the call the next morning, but I was sleeping.

 

Finally, later that night, I sent her this text at like 330am. I just said I had some things I wanted to talk about to her, if she wanted to talk or meet up the next day.

 

The next morning she texts saying she has a break at work, if I want to call and talk. I thought it was in response to my text, but oddly she said no, she didn't get one from me.

 

I told her the stuff I wanted to discuss could be sorta emotional, so maybe we should do it later. She said she'd call me when she got out of work.

 

So she calls, and we talk. And I'm emotional, saying that I was writing a song called "purple girl" (she has streaks of it in her hair) and she wanted to hear some lyrics. But we kept talking and she says she can't talk for long - she has to get her apartment keys back from her new dude! - but we can probably meet up later, she'll call me. She wanted to have this conversation before the year ended. I started telling her some things - that I love her, that we can fix this, blah blah. I said nice things about her and she said her new dude makes her aware of those things. He helps her confidence. This is the same dude who a month or 2 ago she was going to break up with, she was not into, said he was ignorant, and their relationship was certainly not "epic." I said that's fine he builds your esteem, but you don't seem that into him, and it's not going to fix things for you. What we had was special, and we can figure it out. That type of deal. She had to go, but said she'd call later.

 

I got sad. I drank a bottle of wine. Took a sleeping pill. Just wanted to shut off. I texted her some of the lyrics to the song in the meantime too.

 

She calls back as I'm messed up and I ask her if she got the lyrics. She said she got some but thought some were missng because they didn't make sense and wouldn't make a good song. I'm like, um thanks (I realized later parts were missing, but still). She then asks if we can meet up. I'm like, I can't drive. She's like why and explain. She calls me an idiot for it. Is irritated. Funny of course, because I barely drank before. She smoked pot and drank a ****load when we broke up, but she's giving me advice about it. Whatever. Anyways, she said she'd meet at a bar by me where I could walk there. I then said, if this is going to be some situation where you just tell me you don't agree that we can fix it, then maybe we shouldn't. It'd be a waste. She just keeps saying "answer the question, yes or no". I keep saying, well tell me why you want to meet up, or if this will be worth our time - she knows where I am coming from, what I'll likely say, so.

 

She hangs up. I call back. I say yeah, I'll meet. But give me something. Tell me if it's worth it. She says she doesn't want to meet. I had my chance. I didn't say yes or no. She has someone who "loves" her now. She's mad. I can **** off. We can't be friends because I'm like this (have feelings for her). Don't ever call her, email her, text her again. She told me to have a nice life. She actually said that.

 

I tried to call back because she just talked over me and did that, but she never picked up.

 

Wow.

 

If anyone should have told someone to leave them alone, it should've been me. Instead, she took control AGAIN. She threw me out, AGAIN.

 

Now, I feel like an idiot. And I'm mad. And I'm sad.

 

And when my friend came home, I was laying on the ground crying with a wine bottle on the floor.

 

God, this sucks.

[sedgwick]

This sounds like a very good time for NO CONTACT!!! Why keep talking to her if she just makes you cry, and you "ruin her day?" Block her number, email, etc and respect yourself enough to allow yourself to heal!

[jlr]

You're right. It's all done now.

 

When I woke up the next day, I was thinking about the night before. How crazy the conversation got.

 

So I tried to be nice and I called and left a message saying that we both said dumb things, and that I think it's silly that she just wanted to end it because I didn't answer a question fast enough. But, that if that's the way it is, then fine.

 

My phone was low on batteries and I was at my Mom's house, so I turned my phone off and figured that's it.

 

A few hours later I plug it in and check my missed messages. They're from her.

 

She calls back and says, "Yeah, I got your message. If you want to talk to me, you'll call me by 6pm". I'm thinking, um, WTF? Who does she think she is?

 

Then the next one is at 6:08pm. She says "You didn't call by 6pm, so you missed your chance. Maybe the other night was crazy, but maybe that's just how it is. Maybe it can't be nice. Have a good 2010."

 

It was like 7pm by this point and I called her back. She didn't answer, as I expected. I left a message basically saying, "I don't know why there was some sort of time limit to call you back, but my phone was off. If this is how you want it, then I can't change that. But I think this is all sad and unfortunate, and I don't think you're being honest with yourself. But that's not my problem now." It cut me off, so I left a last one saying "I hope you never have to experience this in your life. I hope you never know what it's like to love someone who leaves you, and who eventually finds someone else. And also to have that person want to be your buddy and constantly throw it all in your face. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." I told her that the texts of those songs lyrics were incomplete, but that even if they were, it still wouldn't have mattered. I said I loved her, and that it's the last she'd hear from me.

 

Today, I removed her from my Facebook.

 

I have to move on from this. It's going to suck, but I have to do it, once and for all. I can't do this anymore. It's killing me.

 

It's weird. It's like she'd been gearing up to cut me off from 2010. Like the new year magically changes everything. Like the things she admitted to me a few days prior are now done. Like the crappy things she said about this new guy in October, when she reached out to me because things sucked, are now all better. She's just going to forget it all, and pretend what she's got going is best. How sad. How terribly sad that someone is more concerned with pride than with how they, or others around them, feel. But you know what? That's her loss. That will catch up to her. And when it does, she'll see she lost the one person who truly gave a **** about her. Who does she think she is talking to me like that? Telling me we're done because I didn't answer something, or telling me if I don't call by a certain time, I miss my chance. Geezus. Who is she? Where did that girl I loved go? She's gone. So gone. If I would meet her on the street now, I wouldn't even want to know her. She's truly awful. She's mean, and selfish.

 

I'm mourning this like a death, because who she was, is dead.

 

And it's time I stop letting it ruin my life.

[madrugada]

Amen, brother. It's time to stop letting her ruin your life. The person you thought you loved is dead.

 

It sounds like you're turning the corner and seeing the picture for what it is. That's a big step in the right direction. And yeah, it hurts, but in the end cutting her out of your life is the only thing you can do to pick yourself up and move on.

 

I'm not one to give advice, though, because I haven't had the balls to unfriend my ex on facebook yet. The result? I haven't been on facebook since the end of October because I just don't want to know.

 

And perhaps there will come a time when she does realize what she gave up. But that's no longer your concern, is it?

 

You're living your life for yourself. And more power to you.

[jlr]

Yeah, I hear you on the FB thing. I never unfriended her before. She initially did, and then a few months ago sent me a new friend request. This time I did it, and it sorta felt good.

 

These people feed off knowing we're pining for them.

 

**** them.

[wowIlose]

I feel your pain man. The way they can shut off is incredible and can really have you questioning everything including your sanity... you feel betrayed and lied too and the pain can be unbearable at times but try to remember that it happens in phases and it's not permanent.... when your in one of these phases you have to be strong and respect yourself, don't give her anymore control than you already have.

 

Getting rid of her on facebook is good, the less you know the better (TRUST ME). Knowing what shes up to and who she is with will eat away at your soul. Don't be a fool and try adding her back or getting in touch with her. I've done it a few times and it only makes you feel worse in the long run so take my advice and stay away from her... and stop drinking, the drinking won't help and will makes things worse. Replace the drinking with something like working out or anything else that's productive.

 

Good luck man. Be strong.