1life8love1trust Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Is it just me or is no contact more of a way to forget the ex? I mean, I still have hopes of getting back together with her in the future. I know she has a new man in her life now, especially because she left me for him. But I have read a lot of materials that have help me understand this whole thing. I am finally ok with the facts, heck I am dating and looking for a new love, all the while working on myself. Improving myself for the best. But anyone get back with their ex, not as it was before but a new relationship. Just like you guys are a new couple? I don't expect us to get back together any time soon, but I do believe its not over between us and it might take years for her to realize it and I might have moved on. But my faith is strong to believe that in the end even if it means she will only love me to our death beds we will be back together. I think I am high on something, why am I saying this crap.....
thatguy90 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 I have to say I am the same boat as you '1life8love1trust' ... or at least in a similar boat as you are. Can you send me the material that you found? that has helped you?
Kantor Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Is it just me or is no contact more of a way to forget the ex? I mean, I still have hopes of getting back together with her in the future. I know she has a new man in her life now, especially because she left me for him. But I have read a lot of materials that have help me understand this whole thing. I am finally ok with the facts, heck I am dating and looking for a new love, all the while working on myself. Improving myself for the best. But anyone get back with their ex, not as it was before but a new relationship. Just like you guys are a new couple? I don't expect us to get back together any time soon, but I do believe its not over between us and it might take years for her to realize it and I might have moved on. But my faith is strong to believe that in the end even if it means she will only love me to our death beds we will be back together. I think I am high on something, why am I saying this crap..... NC is about you and your healing. NC can serve as an additional purpose as making the one who left you miss you. Usually since she left you for someone else, she doesn't want you back. Do you really want someone back who left you because they found someone better? Time for a reality check.
thatguy90 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Actually I have to disagree with you Kantor, because you two might not be right for each other right now, if you go out and as 1life8love1trust has done, you are living your life 1life8love1trust, that is what you are suppost to. Maybe in a while you might get back together, but again keep living your life, if its been a while (please use your judgment on the time apart) and you still have this feeling, maybe just ask her to go on date in the future. But live your life right now, because she is not interested in you right now, she might be just curious and if you are young, women at this age are developing who they will be and need to grow, and so do you as a person, because nothing is set right now on what will happen in the future.
TaraMaiden Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 Is it just me or is no contact more of a way to forget the ex? No. No contact is a way of eliminating the presence of somebody who simply creates difficult and painful responses and reactions in you. Therefore, the elimination of this trigger - the deliberate cutting off - is designed to release you from your anguish, and enable you to move on more quickly. I mean, I still have hopes of getting back together with her in the future. Banish them, destroy them, eradicate them and forget them. Nothing has the power to destroy the recovering soul more, than the sound of dashed hopes crumbling into dust. The sooner you dispose of them safely, the better. I know she has a new man in her life now, especially because she left me for him. But I have read a lot of materials that have help me understand this whole thing. So? That doesn't mean your hopes of getting her back are well-founded. And if she has a new man in her life now - you want to take back soiled goods? I mean.... fer chrissakes.... she 'has' a new man now. In every sense of the word. What do you think they get up to alone - cross-stitching? I am finally ok with the facts, heck I am dating and looking for a new love, all the while working on myself. Improving myself for the best. If you have even the most microscopic hope of getting her back, then the above statement is a lie. You are NOT ok with the facts, you're dating as a distraction, on the rebound (just to prove to yourself that 'you can', and you're working on yourself - but to the wrong objective.... But anyone get back with their ex, not as it was before but a new relationship. Why would anybody want to? Most people who get back with their exes want it to be the way it was before. But even a 'new relationship' won't work, when you consider it didn't work the first time. You broke up, For what seemed to one of you, to be legitimate reasons. What makes you think they'll forget those reasons? Just like you guys are a new couple? I don't expect us to get back together any time soon, but I do believe its not over between us and it might take years for her to realize it and I might have moved on. Might, might, might....and so you halt your own progress, and sabotage your own future, with false beliefs, and a couple of 'mights'... But my faith is strong to believe that in the end even if it means she will only love me to our death beds we will be back together. Never be prepared to die for your beliefs. You may wll prove to be wrong.... This is just bordering on gibberish.... I think I am high on something, why am I saying this crap..... My question exactly.......
HeavenOrHell Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 NC is generally used as a way of healing, but it can bring someone back, this has happened to me in the past, ex came back twice and we had 9 more years together. But it's best to do NC with the intention of moving you forward no matter what happens. Some couples can and do rebuild.
Author 1life8love1trust Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 Thatguy90 I have read some books by TW Jackson, "The Magic of Making up" and Matt Hustons "Ex Square System" Both great ebooks got my through the early stages of my break up. Though both guys have a very similar system, the are from different backgrouds. Huston is a Pick up artist, aka a dating couch. As for TW he is a relationship couch. So having two sides of the picture is always good. I also ventured into the realm of Women. I understood very little as I am not a woman, so I really don't get it. LOL Let me know when you get these and maybe we can exchange thoughts. Kantor You are abosulotely right, why would I want to get back with someone who left me for another dude? Well during this grueling process, I have learned that love is a free flowing energy that comes and goes whenever it pleases. Knowing that, love was with us for a good 3 years. Love happened to flow into her new relationship faster than what we had. Another thing I learned from a dating couch is, Love that happens fast ends fast. I do understand you very well though and I know your heart is in the right place as I know no fellow LS wants another LS member to go through more pain. TaraMaiden Thank you.....I am split between two personalities. One that completely agress with you and the other that diagrees with you. What you say is the truth and its hard to believe....but even though all break ups have the same pattern it ulimately between the two. "Might, Might, Might....." I am trying to bury this hope that I have, but the heart is the hardest thing to change or to convince to change. My mind is made up yet I am still here. Thanks guys
thatguy90 Posted December 26, 2009 Posted December 26, 2009 1life8love1trust would you like to discuss this via email or LS?
Author 1life8love1trust Posted December 26, 2009 Author Posted December 26, 2009 Dont matter thatguy90, I just realized that my break up is pretty fresh. I just buried myself in work, working out, and personal development(Reading everything) thats why when I finished reading 4 books I thought I would feel better, but nope its only been 2 months. LOL. So send me a private message and I will give you my email.
thatguy90 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I can't send you a private message, it does not seem to want to work.
thatguy90 Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 I just have to say, you have broken up with your ex 2 months ago? We are in similar boats, but the only difference I have been with contact with her for a bit since the break up. I tired constantly to go for a few weeks without talking to her but I keep breaking the NC rule.
Author 1life8love1trust Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Add me on your LS contacts and my email is there.
TaraMaiden Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 TaraMaiden Thank you.....I am split between two personalities. One that completely agress with you and the other that diagrees with you. The first is your Mind. The second is your Heart. To simplify things.... What you say is the truth and its hard to believe.... Not so. If it's the Truth, it's easy to believe (Mind). It's just hard to implement (Heart). but even though all break ups have the same pattern it ulimately between the two. The only way all break ups have the same pattern is that two people previously in love, split up, because one or both of them didn't want to make the effort to stay in the relationship any more. Otherwise, each break-up is unique. "Might, Might, Might....." I am trying to bury this hope that I have, but the heart is the hardest thing to change or to convince to change. My mind is made up yet I am still here. At the moment, your feelings and emotions are the ones governing the Mind and pulling rank, flexing muscle, and keeping you stuck. The important thing to remember, is this: Your Emotions Are Not WHO YOU ARE. Your emotions are simple manifestations of your mind-state (see, you actually can't separate heart and Mind.... they actually function in unison) and though illogical, unproductive, inhibiting and hampering, you actually feel it's a place you want to be, because however painful they are, they keep you connected to her. You are of the subconscious opinion that if you stop feeling like this, it will be a denial and end to how good she made you feel, and how much you feel for her. You can still honour the memories of the relationship, without hanging on to her, you see.....Hard as it may seem to believe. I can't send you a private message, it does not seem to want to work. Add me on your LS contacts and my email is there. You guys cannot PM because you haven't been members for long enough, or accrued enough posts. I think you have to hit the 100 mark, or thereabouts. it's a safety measure implemented to stop harassment, trolls or weirdos being able to exploit the pm system and cause problems.
DenverBachelor Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) Funny -- I would have fought Taramaiden tooth and nail about NC and getting back with an ex a month ago. A restraining order later, I realize just how bad it is to purposely use NC for anything other than moving on and healing. In fact, I don't believe second chances are even a good idea, save for .1% of breakups. The best thing I've learned is that silence is golden. You can't screw up when you drop off the face of the Earth. That means no e-mails, text messages, Facebook wall postings, letters, phone calls, telegrams, instant messages, social site message swapping of any kind, smoke signals, morse code, walkie-talkies, ham radio, talk-show call ins, television appearances, baseball technotrons, hand signals, sign language, braile, personal appearances, etc. For all intents and purposes, when they break up with you, they shouldn't know the difference between if you were actually dead and what you're up to at the moment. To them, you need to cut off all contact and move on. If they call you, ignore it. If they keep calling you, answer and say, "stop calling me, please." and hang up. Don't even wait for a response. If they text you, ignore it. If they keep texting you, text them back and say, "stop texting me, please." If they come over to physically see you, politely ask them to leave. There is only one situation that I can think of at the moment that would warrant communicating with them and that is if many months have passed (years preferably) and you get an e-mail from them while having absolutely no emotional investment in them. Then you can write a few words back to the effect of, "great that you're still alive. Hope your family is well. Keep on truckin'" Really, what's the point? Edited December 27, 2009 by DenverBachelor
Author 1life8love1trust Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 Wow Denver.....I agree with half of what you said but I guess I have to experience it first to realize it. I plan on not contacting her at all. Now if it takes years for her to contact me, then thats fine. But you know as well as everyone here that she is still in your heart. All our exes are. As I was saying though, at least most of us are still young, we have our lives ahead of us, I believe that the lives we are living behind because of what they did to us is nothing. Some move on and find better soul mates, others get back together. As a matter of fact, I have read a study that the person that your ex left you for will 98% not likely be the one the end of with for life. That being said I am not saying she will get back together with me, but I am not holding my breath. All I know is its not over. I am not going to contact her, but she will contact me. It inevitable, its what I do next that will decide what happens. Thanks Denver
DenverBachelor Posted December 27, 2009 Posted December 27, 2009 As a matter of fact, I have read a study that the person that your ex left you for will 98% not likely be the one the end of with for life. That being said I am not saying she will get back together with me, but I am not holding my breath. All I know is its not over. I am not going to contact her, but she will contact me. It inevitable, its what I do next that will decide what happens. Thanks Denver Even if that statistic is true, it doesn't take into account the many different situations out there. 98% means he or she has a 2% chance of going the long haul, and that 2% chance is still infinitely better than your 0% chance since she or he dumped you. I'm just no longer a proponent for getting back together with an ex. That's my personal decision, though. I want to be with someone who can stick through the toughest times and not bail to see if there's greener grass out there. I'd like to be with someone who has depth and character and realizes that all relationships go through a "desert period," where each of you have to do a lot of learning together while going through some of the driest periods of the relationship. There are two types of people in my opinion. Those who understand that relationships require a lot of work and understanding at some point and choose to make the investment with the realization that it is a long process but worth it. Then there are those who simply use relationships to fill in psychological holes within their own framework and suck out the best aspects of a relationship and then bailing for a new relationship when there is nothing left in their opinion. That's just my opinion, though.
Author 1life8love1trust Posted December 27, 2009 Author Posted December 27, 2009 This is what I learned, "Love is a free-flowing energy that comes and goes when it pleases. Sometimes it stays for life: other times is stays for a second, a day, a month, or a year. So don't fear love when it comes simply because it makes you vulnerable. But don't be surprised when it leaves, either. Just be glad you had the opportunity to experience it." 0% chance? Thats crap dude. Plus Moving on is the option that I am trying to do. Its just sometimes people need to grow up. Experiencing pain and growth is part of life so I feel where youre coming from. And you are right commitment over wishy washy is what I will always choose, but dont tell me you never made mistakes in the past? I am not saying that I want her back, but I am saying I still love her. 3 years its really hard to let go. Give me a few more months or even a year and probably then I will agree with you. How long ago were you left? Plus they leave you for another dude, or things just changed? Its one thing when the love is not there anymore, and she wants to date. Its another for her to leave you for a specific dude. I believe its easier to spark the love if she wants to date other people cause shes afraid of commitment. and the later I am still trying to understand. If I walk away from this it might happen again. My goal in all this weather I get her back or not is to understand why this happens. Thanks Denver
thatguy90 Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 1life8love1trust ... I have gotten the book, read it, it is a pretty good program which they have set up. I have similar feelings right now, I have to say that is a great quote which you have posted.
selena_cat Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) Wow Denver.....I agree with half of what you said but I guess I have to experience it first to realize it. I plan on not contacting her at all. Now if it takes years for her to contact me, then thats fine. But you know as well as everyone here that she is still in your heart. All our exes are. As I was saying though, at least most of us are still young, we have our lives ahead of us, I believe that the lives we are living behind because of what they did to us is nothing. Some move on and find better soul mates, others get back together. As a matter of fact, I have read a study that the person that your ex left you for will 98% not likely be the one the end of with for life. That being said I am not saying she will get back together with me, but I am not holding my breath. All I know is its not over. I am not going to contact her, but she will contact me. It inevitable, its what I do next that will decide what happens. Thanks Denver where did you read that where the skank Ho the ex let me for doesnt really end up with him for life? too bad you cant PM people here,its always good to get and give extra support here,maybe you should have added it to your contact details. denver,the way you put feelings thoughts into words,amazing,thing is i;m always looking for reasons why its better to go NC and reading about it,read your way back to emptional happiness i say! Good luck to you 1life8love,and thatguy Edited December 28, 2009 by selena_cat
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 selena_cat, a member has to have been an active member for over a month, or have accrued over 100 posts or so, before being able to send/receive PMs. It's to prevent spamming and hassling from people who just have an interest in self-promotion. If a person has been a member/made that many posts, it denotes the member is genuine, and not out simply for self-promotion, harassment or stalking..... Just FYI
mizundastud Posted December 28, 2009 Posted December 28, 2009 I think I am high on something, why am I saying this crap..... Too funny....I feel the same way but I think that no contact gives the person room to contemplate and it usually draws them back to you if there is something still there. If they never contact you again you know they have really moved on. But usually remaining in contact especially if your the one initiating it pushes them away.
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