I Was Desperate....

[DustySaltus]

to make it work.

 

...ah forget it, i'm tired of talking.

[DustySaltus]

**** it, i was deperate to make this "story" have a happy ending. I have a problem, I hate to lose. I've done so many things in my life half-a** that I decided with her that I was going to do whatever I can to make it work. But I couldn't control her mental issues, her insecurities and jealousy.

 

Nothing hurts more then when a light goes off in your head one day and you realize what you want. You do everything you can to get it and then it is TORN out of your hands. I blinded myself from the red flags I saw because I was so desperate to make it work.

 

This "desperation" cost me money, time, tons of pain, months of therapy and a feeling that maybe I was the one who was really screwed up because I don't know when to seem to walk away. I hate to lose. I'm not a quitter. i never failes at anything and I failed at this. This woman thinks that I didn't care about her.....she quit on me. And she knows it, she just wasn't built for the long haul.

 

I thought I was in love now I wonder if I even know what love is because I misjudged it SO bad. Exactly 6 months ago, it was over and I lost apart of myself. Sure, i can put a smile on my face, talk to the ladies, go to work, hang out with friends and family but it's all a front....it still hurts.

[nobmagnet]

it does hurt. i feel your pain. mine left and gave up on me 2 years ago......physically in september. there seems to be very little we can do to get them back.I am in a place i dont want to have him back. I know i am lucky.

 

if you can make plans. if you can plan a future of busyiness. Fake happiness/////////eventually you will be. talk here. vent here. Let go for a while and try to heal if you can. if she /he loves you.......it will happen I dont beleive in the one that got away.

 

hugs neet

[EricaH329]

Did you notice that you wrote "I failed at this." and "She quit on me." in the same paragraph? I did.

 

You did not fail. You were right in saying that she quit on you. You gave it all you've got. I know how that feels. We should feel empowered by that fact, not brought down.

 

I am reverting back to the angry stage myself. Screw them for ruining something we tried so hard to build! Screw them for taking us for granted! And most importantly, SCREW THEM for making us suffer the way that we have been!!!

 

I need to take a nap, i'm getting cranky

[nobmagnet]

have a nap love but your sentments hit home ! its soooooooo true xx

[LovelyDaze]

The beauty in what your wrote,DustySaltus is that you tried EVERYTHING. Even if it broke your wallet in half, your mind in half and your time to nil.

 

Sounds like she kept throwing roadblocks to ensure that it didn't work and you just can't convince a person to see the light when all they want to do is wear blinders and do things their way.

 

You will come out of this stronger, wiser, and definitely having knowledge of what love is. There's a woman out here in this world that you will meet soon that will appreciate that and love you immensely.

[nobmagnet]

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hahahha soz hey you do sound like you willfind great love. you do deserve it.hey we all do. but you do. x

[threebyfate]

When a partner gives up, you're left to carry the entire weight of the relationship, if you want to keep it going. Worse yet, when they throw up hills, you're now dragging this dead weight uphill.

 

So what do you have to do, Dusty?

[GrayClouds]

 

Nothing hurts more then when a light goes off in your head one day and you realize what you want. You do everything you can to get it and then it is TORN out of your hands. I blinded myself from the red flags I saw because I was so desperate to make it work.

 

 

The fact is when that light went off and your realize what you wanted it was simple not what you had. a It as if you wanted a puppy but had a cat, you push and prodded with all you strength to make that cat a puppy but it was always going to be a cat.

 

So did you fail? Hell no, no one can make a puppy out of a cat. What you did succeed at is proving to yourself how hard you can work for something that matter to you. The level of commitment and effort you are able to call up trying to create the life you want.

 

You also learn where not to waste your effort, if you see a cat and your wanting a puppy, this time you keep moving. That says you now respact yourself and your effort enough to no longer waste it on foolish creators.

 

You also succeeded in at figuring out what you want, most people it take a whole life for that. Now you know what (with who you want)you want and now you know how hard you can work to get it.

 

If that is not success then I do not know what is.

 

Congratulations. There is a puppy out there waiting for you. And next time it will not be so ruff ruff.

Edited December 26, 2009 by GrayClouds

[DustySaltus]

Erica, Nob, Gray, Lovely, Trial I appreciate everyone's input as always and hope you had a great holiday

 

The week after I got back from Israel after the breakup I called a therapist for the first time in my life. It was very intense and I learned a lot about myself and what went wrong. When I explained to him everything that occured between us and spoke to some mutual friends I learned of her condition on having a borderline personality.

 

So me "opening up" to her was all in vain. When I told her about my job and I thought it might be in trouble, she used it as an excuse of backing out of the plan for her to move here. When I told her that at one point I may have liked to drink a little bit too much (before we were together), she used it against me. When I told her that I was irresponsible with money when I was younger, she told me later on she couldn't be with me because of that. In the meanwhile this all happened 5 years ago, I was just trying to be honest and let her know everything about me. After all, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. It all blew up in my face.

 

Now, this new girl I am seeing feels that I am comparing her to my ex. Not in a way like, "Oh, she's better looking or smarter...." but that i'm thinking "oh, how is this one going to screw me over too?" I told her that those are issues I need to work on within myself (as far as trust). She seems to be on board for now, but I've had enough experience to know that she's too good of a woman to stick around forever, and I don't blame her.

 

So what do I do now? Same thing I've been doing. Put on a brave face and get busy living. This borderline personality stuff really put everything in perspective, she hid it so well but it eventually came out full strenght. I wished I would've followed my instincts earlier because I never would of taken time off from work to go over there. Because of that decision i may be out of a job in the next couple of weeks. I was given a huge project but when I left it was given to someone else who screwed it up so bad we are about to lose the account. If we lose the account, I'll be making lattes at starbucks until my dream job calls. It's just amazing the domino effect life has sometimes. All I wanted to do was live happily ever after, but it's never that easy is it.

 

And you know once I'm good she's going to call, she's going to send the ring back or do something else to make me feel like crap and I just want to be able to handle that moment with indifference. Six months later I know I would still have emotions, I just want them to go....please, just go already.

[JaggedRoad]

I hate to lose. I'm not a quitter. i never failes at anything and I failed at this.

 

I guess this is the hero complex that you, me, and a lot of guys seem to have. As noble as it is, it really makes us vulnerable and blind to our own safety as well as the well-being of the damsel in distress. A lot of my friends are going into this, and I pray that they do not come out as badly scarred as we have.

 

I actually don't know what I am talking about.

 

Happy New Year!

[EricaH329]

Erica, Nob, Gray, Lovely, Trial I appreciate everyone's input as always and hope you had a great holiday

 

Thank you! I hope you had a wonderful holiday as well!

 

 

It all blew up in my face.

 

Isn't that how it always ends? Everything blowing up in your face? If not, then i've had some pretty bad luck lately.

 

I told her that those are issues I need to work on within myself (as far as trust).

 

Doesn't that suck? I mean, it's bad enough we have to grieve the loss of a relationship, and question ourselves during the process. But to find a decent person afterwards, and have been scarred from the previous relationship, we are always questioning everything!

 

I'm having issues with abandonment at the moment. I'm terrified that everyone around me is going to leave me. The minute I feel as though someone is pushing away from me, I shut down. I don't pursue anymore.

 

I'm just commenting on this. I have no real advice for that particular situation. I just understand where you are coming from. And it's sh*tty and unfair!

 

It's just amazing the domino effect life has sometimes. All I wanted to do was live happily ever after, but it's never that easy is it.

 

It's not easy, but it's definitely possible. Imagine if you had given everything you gave to her, to someone who was worthy of it all. You'd be living your happily ever after. But unfortunatly, life is full of trials and errors.

 

Six months later I know I would still have emotions, I just want them to go....please, just go already.

 

I feel your pain. I really do.

[jlr]

Dusty,

I feel you. My therapist told me that I'm on some kind of mission to save something that's dead. I know there's many things that wouldn't have mattered, because there's things my ex and I will never mesh on. But, because of my childhood - my dad left us, and it created a war in my family, with 2 of my 3 sisters taking sides with my dad, and me and my other sister with my mom - I don't want to let anyone leave me anymore. I've had it done in my family, and in my past, and goddamn it, NOT THIS TIME. Like I think I can magically fix people who have running in their character. I don't know. As I type this, I'm still trying, in some ways, to save it. It's like there was a fire and everything burned and I'm trying to find remnants in the ashes. They're not there. And I'm trying to put it all back together, with nothing.

Maybe it's just who we are. We're good people. We want to fix things. We want to salvage things when they break.

Unfortunately, it takes two. And it's so hard for me to get that.

Hang in there. You're not alone. I'm feeling that too.

Peace,

JLR

[DustySaltus]

One thing i've learned through this ordeal is that I am capable of great things. It's just hard to keep taking the hits. You meet someone, have the honeymoon period, go through ups and downs that make you stronger, another honeymoon, someone does something wrong, feelings change and it ends.

 

The pattern repeats until you think you've met someone that will break the pattern PERMANENTLY. You think to yourself, "Hey, i've paid my dues, i've learned from my mistakes and I'm going to be the best I can be for this person...and it's just not good enough". Then, just like that you are back to square one.

 

I mean if I thought a person like this was someone I thought i would spend the rest of my life with what does that say about me? I look at myself in the mirror and I know I am a good dude...that's what makes it all the more hurtful. She never really knew who I was......she only cared about her narcissistic self.

[Trialbyfire]

Borderline Personality Disorder is the female equivalent for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so you're not wrong in stating she was narcissistic.

 

People with Cluster B disorders can suck the life out of their partners.

[DustySaltus]

It's just that she would always talk about her Ex's and how they weren't good enough, she felt like she was settling. Now I look back on it and I realize that she has A LOT of boyfriends, even if they were short term.

I hardly ever talked about past relationships because I was so focused on ours. I was never a jealous guy but I was just enough as it should be.

 

I am far from perfect but she knew that and supposedly accepted me with all my faults when I asked her to marry me. Three months later all she could talk about were those faults and the funny thing is that half of them didn't even exist anymore. That's how hard I worked.

[cdt76]

Like I think I can magically fix people who have running in their character. JLR

 

Good lord, I'm right there with you. The sad part is that we don't know they have that character trait until it's too late.