Ending Dating Purgatory

[JBaker]

My story can be found in an earlier thread if anyone is interested. I am posting an update, now.

 

In short, she decided in November that she needed some time to decide whether we can or should work on our relationship (of about four years) or whether she should go about medical school and life (at present) alone.

 

The first week I reacted poorly. Then I stopped begging/pleading. We remained in limited contact - both of of contacting each other about equally.

 

We were broken up, but she is/was still deciding whether or not she wanted to work on things. We were in limbo. She has tried to avoid talking about us throughout, and I respected that. Until last night I only brought it up one time, very briefly.

 

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So last night I was at our house boxing things up to get ready for moving in the beginning of January. She mentioned something about us and I used it to force a conversation about us. She didn't want to have it, but I did - we have been in limbo for too long without my knowing her thoughts on the matter.

 

I was led to believe that she was going to use the time during her break to make her decision. This conversation told me otherwise. She said that she didn't know who she was outside of the relationship; or who I was outside of it. This is something that takes much longer than a few weeks to figure out. She said she would not be deciding "anytime soon." Then later, she clarified anytime soon to mean anytime in the next few weeks. She also said that she didn't know whether she wanted to get back together, or whether it was nostalgia.

 

After learning these things I decided to make her decision for her. I told her that I was deciding to make the split permanent. I told her that when she figures herself out that she can contact me and if I am still available and still willing to work things out that we could talk then. Unless/until that time comes, I am considering the matter settled.

 

Just as when I tried to implement NC, she was against the idea. She was confused and did not understand why I had decided this. She told me that she had not said anything new this time (but she did), so she didn't understand my decision. I did not, and will not change my mind though.

 

She also seemed concerned that I would now be seeing other people. She asked if I would be seeing other people. I told her that right now I would not seek anyone out because I must first work on myself, but that if someone I find interesting comes around I will not push her away like I had while I was still waiting on her. I added that soon enough I would be ready to seek someone out, as well. She was upset and cried a little bit after this portion of the discussion.

 

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Basically, I have read the situation to mean that she wanted me to wait around indefinitely in case she decides she wants to work things out. Indefinitely is not acceptable to me.

 

I feel like I did the right thing. I have to move on and get on with my life. I can't spend months waiting for her; worrying about what she is thinking; being anxious about her. I let her know that things were still open between us - but also that I would not be just waiting for her.

 

So now, even though she says she is still deciding and thinking about it, I am considering the matter settled. The split is permanent.

 

Finally, I told her that we were both strong enough to remain friends and in contact. However, most of that contact or hanging out would have to be initiated by her due to the situation. I think folks around here will disagree with this. But I feel that I can handle being friends - for now. Now that I consider things settled I can be around her or in contact with her without worrying about her thoughts about us; without being anxious; and without bringing up any conversation about 'us' (because 'us' no longer exists).

 

Thoughts?

[gaudi]

Well my thoughts (for what they're worth) is that you've done everthing regards this split exactly as you should have done. I wish could have acted the way you have during my own split. My begging of her to reconsider lasted a little longer, and NC wasn't really declared, it's just sort of happened

 

In your case it's she who needs to work out what she wants, so the ball is in her court. Leave it to her. You've acted correctly and by the sound of things you are a strong fella. Good luck to you mate!!

[HLP234]

That's really interesting that you can still be friends with her without letting it affect you. I'm in the same exact situatioon, a limbo that is so frusterating and I know nothing about.

 

But for some reason I will not be able to be friends because it is rude to me to say that I accept second hand treatment. I can't get over her and be friends at the same time, I have to put myself first now and maybe later, but I doubt I will ever be able to be the same friend I was with her for 5 years before we started dating.

[Eisenhower]

Let me just throw out one thing that you should keep in the back of your mind. My situation sounds very similar to yours - my ex didn't want to be together, said she couldn't handle a relationship and needed space to find out who she was. She wouldn't rule out getting back together, and said she wanted to be friends, but would always keep me at a distance - I thought it was because she was always on edge that I'd bring "us" up at any moment.

 

I found out after about 5-6 months of this that she was involved with someone else and straight up lied when I confronted her on this - still denied she was ready for a relationship. So that's when I ended it for good.

 

Just be mentally prepared for the possibility that she's the monkey swinging from branch to branch, afraid to let go of one until she has the next one firmly in hand. It could happen, but might not be the case in your situation. I'm just saying don't get caught by surprise like I was if it happens. I definitely think you did the right thing.

 

Eisenhower

[JBaker]

That's really interesting that you can still be friends with her without letting it affect you. I'm in the same exact situatioon, a limbo that is so frusterating and I know nothing about.

 

But for some reason I will not be able to be friends because it is rude to me to say that I accept second hand treatment. I can't get over her and be friends at the same time, I have to put myself first now and maybe later, but I doubt I will ever be able to be the same friend I was with her for 5 years before we started dating.

 

My situation is a bit different than yours (from what I read in the other thread about space). Your ex treated you poorly after the breakup and was very back and forth with you.

 

Neither my ex nor I have handled the breakup particularly poorly. Neither of us did anything awful to each other to cause the split. I don't see a problem with remaining friends in this situation. I may feel different later as time goes on. But at least for now I feel that I can handle it.

 

I think that I can maintain somewhat of a friendship because I can now look at it from a different perspective. Before I was waiting. Now that I consider it settled I don't have to worry about what she is doing or thinking. I don't have to worry about when/if she is going to call, text, or hang out with me.

[JBaker]

Let me just throw out one thing that you should keep in the back of your mind. My situation sounds very similar to yours - my ex didn't want to be together, said she couldn't handle a relationship and needed space to find out who she was. She wouldn't rule out getting back together, and said she wanted to be friends, but would always keep me at a distance - I thought it was because she was always on edge that I'd bring "us" up at any moment.

 

I found out after about 5-6 months of this that she was involved with someone else and straight up lied when I confronted her on this - still denied she was ready for a relationship. So that's when I ended it for good.

 

Just be mentally prepared for the possibility that she's the monkey swinging from branch to branch, afraid to let go of one until she has the next one firmly in hand. It could happen, but might not be the case in your situation. I'm just saying don't get caught by surprise like I was if it happens. I definitely think you did the right thing.

 

Eisenhower

 

 

If I ever found out that was the case then moving on would certainly be easier. I really don't think it is the case here, though. She has found out that Medical School is very time consuming and difficult. It is not the prospect of seeing someone else that caused the split.

 

Additionally, I am not being her friend with the idea that we are going to get back together. I am considering the matter closed unless she one day brings it up. Also, by friends I don't mean that I am going to be clingy and contacting her and pressuring her to hang out. In fact, I told her that the initiative for contact and hanging out would have to come mostly from her because I didn't want to pressure her into contact or hanging out.

 

But if I ever find myself being bothered by it again (ie, worrying about what she is thinking about us; worrying about what she is doing and who she is doing it with) then I will end the friendship and go NC. At this point I don't think that will happen, but who knows.

 

I am moving on now, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. We are both strong, mature adults.

[HLP234]

My situation is a bit different than yours (from what I read in the other thread about space). Your ex treated you poorly after the breakup and was very back and forth with you.

 

Yeh I do have to say that even though I did nothing wrong, and that she knows this was my first serious relationship, that this has hurt me extremely. As much as her ex fiance hurt her when he cheated on her and dumped her after 3 years. She considers it "complicated" and a "break" but I don't anymore.

 

I had tried as much as I can, I give space, she complains that I don't talk like normal and just let things happen. She wants me to express myself, I tell her how I feel and she says I'm complaining about waiting. It's such a mess and I can't believe she has no clue what she is doing to me.

 

I can tell that she is hanging out with her friend all the time, through the myspace statuses and what not..even spending nights over there. Yet if I do something with other girls or friends she gets pissed and doesn't say anything but removes me from her friends.

 

Whatever, when she is back home I bet you any money, 100% that she will say "You didn't come after me or say anything to me the whole time." The blame will be put on me and I'll prolly just blow up on her and let her know how uncaring she has been in the first place..but right now I want to move on and i think I am doing that slowly.

 

I will do what JBaker did and just tell her you dunno what you want, when you figure yourself out you come and talk to me, but for now I've been hurt and I'm going on with life. Yeh she will cry and whatever but I most likely also let her know I can't pretend everything is ok and continue talking to her, which will hurt her more because she HATES loosing any friend or someone she is/was close with.

[JBaker]

Yeh I do have to say that even though I did nothing wrong, and that she knows this was my first serious relationship, that this has hurt me extremely. As much as her ex fiance hurt her when he cheated on her and dumped her after 3 years. She considers it "complicated" and a "break" but I don't anymore.

 

I had tried as much as I can, I give space, she complains that I don't talk like normal and just let things happen. She wants me to express myself, I tell her how I feel and she says I'm complaining about waiting. It's such a mess and I can't believe she has no clue what she is doing to me.

 

I can tell that she is hanging out with her friend all the time, through the myspace statuses and what not..even spending nights over there. Yet if I do something with other girls or friends she gets pissed and doesn't say anything but removes me from her friends.

 

Whatever, when she is back home I bet you any money, 100% that she will say "You didn't come after me or say anything to me the whole time." The blame will be put on me and I'll prolly just blow up on her and let her know how uncaring she has been in the first place..but right now I want to move on and i think I am doing that slowly.

 

I will do what JBaker did and just tell her you dunno what you want, when you figure yourself out you come and talk to me, but for now I've been hurt and I'm going on with life. Yeh she will cry and whatever but I most likely also let her know I can't pretend everything is ok and continue talking to her, which will hurt her more because she HATES loosing any friend or someone she is/was close with.

 

 

This may or may not be the right course of action for you. Are you ready to move on? Do you still want her back? It seems to me like this would be the opposite that you want to do if you want her back. If you did this with your situation it would likely be the end, given the way that she gets angry when you do not talk to her. I would only recommend that you go the route that I went if you actually want to move on. In my situation, she will still be considering whether she wants to be with me (though this is very much not the point of my deciding the matter is settled). Your situation would probably be the final push that would cause her to end things.

 

If you still want to be with her then I think your situation calls for you to stay in it for now. But try to remain in it and act as if you are completely okay with things. Like she constantly tells you, act normal. Talk to her like normal. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't get upset about her hanging out with male friends. Don't be accusatory. Stop looking at her myspace/facebook pages - the few scraps are not nearly enough to know what she is doing. You are likely jumping to a wrong and rash conclusion about what she is doing based on her myspace profile.

 

Again, the way that she gets angry at you for not working harder at being in a normal relationship suggests to me that you need to seem or actually BE okay with the way things are right now. It suggests that if you do what I have done your relationship will end forever. So be careful in your decision. That's just my two cents.

[HLP234]

This may or may not be the right course of action for you. Are you ready to move on? Do you still want her back? It seems to me like this would be the opposite that you want to do if you want her back. If you did this with your situation it would likely be the end, given the way that she gets angry when you do not talk to her. I would only recommend that you go the route that I went if you actually want to move on. In my situation, she will still be considering whether she wants to be with me (though this is very much not the point of my deciding the matter is settled). Your situation would probably be the final push that would cause her to end things.

 

If you still want to be with her then I think your situation calls for you to stay in it for now. But try to remain in it and act as if you are completely okay with things. Like she constantly tells you, act normal. Talk to her like normal. Don't bring up the relationship. Don't get upset about her hanging out with male friends. Don't be accusatory. Stop looking at her myspace/facebook pages - the few scraps are not nearly enough to know what she is doing. You are likely jumping to a wrong and rash conclusion about what she is doing based on her myspace profile.

 

Again, the way that she gets angry at you for not working harder at being in a normal relationship suggests to me that you need to seem or actually BE okay with the way things are right now. It suggests that if you do what I have done your relationship will end forever. So be careful in your decision. That's just my two cents.

 

I still want to be with her, I love the girl..but even when I'm normal and talk to her like everything is ok, she says I'm not. As hard as it is to pretend nothing happened and just talk to her, it has been going in circles.

 

When I act normal and fine, she accuses me of being different and vice versa. She saw that I was partying with my friends the other night on facebook so she removed me from her myspace top friends..without saying anything.

 

I didn't say anything either and before all this she said she would talk to me, so I had waited for her to say something but she never has. Now when she does, she will accuse me of not talking with her, when I was the one that texted to see how she was like 3 weeks ago and she never replied, but a few days later told me she was ok and had just gotten to a computer.

 

Which was iffy because all before she told me this, she had been online but never said anything.

 

There's nothing i can say right now after she removed me from the top friend thing, so all I can do is continue like nothing happened and just wait to see what happens when she gets back.

 

I do want to be with her, but I don't see the point in trying harder when she said she can't re assure me she wants it to work when she's not sure of what she wants. Oh well as of right now and all the pain I'm going through, ignoring it is the best option so far.

[JBaker]

You have to do what you think is best for you. I just wanted to outline some major differences that I noticed in our situations. I would have felt bad if you followed a similar course and it turned out poorly for you.

 

I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do.

[HLP234]

Well thanks for the advice. But I'm not sure what to do because of how confusing this all is.

 

Someone that night changed the status on my facebook because i left my phone out, to "In the car with mad bitches, peace." Ever since then she just removed me from her top friends.

 

None of us has said anything to one another either. She' has been putting statuses similar to her and her guy friend, way before this happened though and I've never done anything about that so it just feels rude what she did.

 

Only thing I can do is continue NC and when she comes back if she says anything or contacts me I will just try and brace for watever may come out her mouth and then depending on how I feel at the time, decide something.

[JBaker]

Stupid facebook news feed. I was good about no longer visiting her facebook page. Then she showed up on the stupid news feed telling her new roommate/replacement best friend how excited she is for her to get back.

 

I quickly figured out how to block her activity from coming up on my news feed again so that I can spare the bad feeling and the temptation to look at her profile. That should help.

[HLP234]

Yeh you can hide her. That way it doesn't seem like you blocked her or removed her from the friends. I should do the same thing you know, but because of this limbo..I'm not sure if i can completely say I'm done with her for good.

 

I need to start going out with friends more, but then we drink and do stupid things...I dunno if she did anything with that friend of hers, but I couldn't just do something with another girl because my feelings for her are still really strong.