S O S - I am lost

[djs20]

Hello. I am a 31 year old male that is beyond confused. I realize this post is somewhat long, but I hope someone here reads it. I don't know where else to go for help.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months and have been friends for nearly 5 years. One of her best friends is married to one of my best friends. We have a lot of the same friends actually, which is really great too. Our relationship has been simply put, amazing. We are the perfect compliment to one another. This is supposed to be "the one." I would stop at nothing to keep her happy, which is why I am seeking your help.

 

About two months ago, one of her closest friends died from a motorcycle accident. This completely destroyed her. She felt guilty for not being there for him as much as she should have. Since then, she has been different - not all the time, but more often than not. I have tried to talk with her about it, because I too, have lost a close friend. Sometimes we talk about what she is feeling, other times, she just wants to say nothing (which I completely understand).

 

She also works 4 jobs and is always worn out. We make time for one another, but since she started her most recent job (several months ago), she always seems exhausted. That, coupled with her friend's death, seems to be taking a big toll on her, and thus, on our relationship.

 

Prior to her starting this job, we had a great, caring relationship, complete with a very healthy sex life. However, we have only had sex about 3 times in the past 4 months. I've noticed how she is not near as affectionate as she used to be (less holding hands, kissing, etc initiated by her). I still try to initiate sex, but I am not overly forceful and basically just stop when I see that it's not going to happen. I understand that she is worn out - 4 jobs.

 

On the 23rd of this month, she called me and said that she wanted to come over to talk. She is not sure what is going on with herself. She says that sometimes she feels like we rushed into our relationship (she had just split up with someone when we got together). I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes. I asked her if she was still in love with me and she said she didn't know.

 

I began asking questions about her not being attracted to me and if there was someone else - she said she's still very much attracted to me and there is not anyone else. She said that's not what it's about, she said I am "perfect" (which I am not, obviously, but I do think we are perfect for each other) and that's why she is so confused because I have done nothing wrong. I guess it's the whole, "it's not you, it's me" thing. I also asked her if she needed time alone, she hesitated and said I don't know, then yes. And then, while crying, said no that's not what she wants. Apparently she started feeling this way about us about two weeks ago and just couldn't keep it to herself any longer.

 

I have literally slept about 8 hours since then. I can't eat, I can't stand being awake because I just wonder what's going to happen and I wait on pins and needles to hear from her. But I can't sleep because I have too much going on in my head. She said that this doesn't mean that she and I are done, she just wanted to tell me what she was feeling. But it really hurt me to hear her say those things to me. Plus, I hurt even more knowing that she is upset.

 

We had plans to be with her family and mine on Christmas eve and Christmas day. She said we would talk about us after the holiday because she wanted to spend Christmas with me. We did visit her family both days (her parents are divorced so we went to both homes), but not mine. While there, she was very affectionate towards me. Things seemed fine - but the whole time I was very worried, but I didn't show it. I sucked it up for the family and put on my poker face. We did have a good Christmas together and I want to believe that we will get through this, but I have always been the kind that prepares for the worst.

 

When we first starting going a while without sex, I felt like things were different between us until we had sex again. It was only one time, but immediately thereafter it was like we were reconnected. But we have gone over a month without sex since then, and I know that has to make her feel less connected with me because that's exactly how I feel. Her fourth job ends next month and she is about to get her real estate license so that she will only have to work one job very soon. I kept telling myself that once she stops working as much (next month) things will get better. I truly believe that when her schedule lightens up, we will spend quality time together again and get back on the right track. I told her that, and she does think there is truth to it, but she said that’s not how a relationship should be. Which I understand, but I told her that all couples go through things they have to deal with.

 

I am so lost right now. I don't know how I should be acting. Do I back away and let her dictate the speed of things? Or will that make it seem like I don't care. How do I help her with her mourning of her friend? I seem to keep focusing on how this is hurting me and how much pain I am in, but perhaps I need to focus more on helping her since that is where the issue is. Do I tell her how much I am hurting? Should I just keep my mouth shut about my pain and stop being such a baby?

 

Please help me if you can. I hate the emptiness I feel inside. I love this woman more than I have ever loved before. I have never wanted to marry someone before, but I see a future with her and I want that so bad. So much that I can't stand the thought of her being sad or having to be without her.

 

I thank you for taking time to read my post. I hope you can help me. I can't go on feeling like this. Thank you.

Edited December 26, 2009 by djs20
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[TaraMaiden]

I waited until you edited your post before replying (you can't edit posts once a reply post has been submitted) so well done for doing that, and thanks, it makes it easier to read.

 

 

In a nutshell?

I think she's suffering from depression and needs bereavement counselling.

there are just some things we find it hard to move on from, and she may not even realise that this is it, but I seem to get from your post that this may well be the issue.

Suggest she find professional help through her doctor, and admit that she needs help.

Also, these 4 jobs - are they really necessary? because you know, tiredness is a huge contributory factor.

is there any way you could help her financially? or perhaps she would consider getting a short-term loan to help tide her over.

 

Four jobs is excessive. I know - I worked two, and that nearly killed me!

 

I hope you can help her through this, because much as i understand and sympathise with your own feelings of bewilderment, I think she needs your steady support, but it should be constructive, not merely emotional....

 

All the best....

[djs20]

TaraMaiden,

 

I really appreciate your input and advice. I have been reading about depression online, prior to reading your post, and was considering talking to her about that. The fact that you mentioned it makes me feel like I am on the right path. I am going to keep educating myself so that I can discuss it with her today.

 

As far as the jobs, 3 are necessary for her financially. But I keep trying to tell her the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to her work is very near. Just another month and one job will be done (she's a professional dancer for a sports team and their season is almost over). Once that is done it will free up A LOT of her time. She loves it, however she's getting burnt out - plus she doesn't get much compensation for it.

 

I am not in the best position to help her financially. But I did tell her that I would charge the tuition costs of real estate school on my credit card to help her. That was a few months ago when I said that. I guess I need to bring it up again. I will also see about trying to get another job so that I can help her out. I really wish I made more money so that I could make her life easier.

 

You have inspired me by saying that I need to give her constructive support, not just emotional support. I am going to offer to pay for the counseling sessions and will tell her that if she wants me to go with her, I will.

 

Thank you so much.

[nobmagnet]

all the best Tara has given you very sound advise. She seems to be lost too. As far as sex goes for most women.........if we feel poo.......we dont really want it. Its probably not you at all. She just feels rubbish. best gift is support even if its through a third party. (ask a mate to help her)

 

all my love..........xx

[djs20]

that's a really good point about the sex issue. Thank you for your time and advice. I really appreciate it.

[nobmagnet]

keep posting im think you are not a lost cause! even if it is wewouldliketo kelp you thro it. Its no touble at all. hugs xx

[djs20]

Thanks for the kind words. A lot has happened recently and I will update you if you would like to know. Sorry for the length, but I feel it's important that I say everything.

 

Saturday afternoon I had just had a very emotional talk with my girlfriend and left her house crying and upset. Later on I sent her a text basically telling her that I will be fine, not to worry about me, but to focus her time and energy on herself.

 

The plan was for her to drive from Dallas to Oklahoma yesterday to visit her friend's grave for the first time (his funeral was in Dallas, but he's buried in Oklahoma). She called my best friend's wife, which is her close friend, Saturday evening and said, I really need to talk with you. They made plans for my girlfriend to stop by my friend's wife's place of work Sunday before she left town, to talk.

 

My girlfriend did stop by and talk to her yesterday. Later in the day, my best friend and I drove together to pick up his wife from work - the plan was to eat dinner and hear what my girlfriend and his wife talked about. When we got to her work (a local bar), I saw that all of our friends were inside, and so was my girlfriend. I stopped dead in my tracks and told my friend that I couldn't go in there because I was supposed to be giving her space. I then asked him why he didn't tell me she was there - he said that his wife told my girlfriend that I was on the way there and she wasn't sure if she was going to stay. He didn't want to tell me that she was there and we show up and she not be there, because that would have made me feel pretty bad.

 

Point is, when she found out I was coming there, she asked her friend (my best friend's wife), "Do I need to leave?" Her friend said, "I don't think so." According to her friend (which is also a close friend of mine), my girlfriend took a minute and then said, "I am going to stay." I took that as a good sign.

 

So, I walked into the bar, she came up to me and we hugged very affectionately. We made small talk and were hugging and kissing. She was not able to go visit the grave that day because the person who had the address never got back in touch with her. Anyway, I stayed there and talked with her and our friends for about 15 minutes. I know that she needs her space, so I told my friend that we should go. I told my girlfriend that we were leaving because she needed her space. She said you don't have to go. And I told her, I know, but it's the right thing to do. So we very lovingly said goodbye.

 

Well in the car with my best friend and his wife, we began to talk about the situation. His wife told me about talking with my girlfriend. My girlfriend told her that she knows if she leaves, then a year from now she'll still be crying about losing the best thing she ever had.

 

When my girlfriend's schedule got busy, she would work one job during the day, dance for several hours at night, and then call me on the way to my place and talk about how tired she was. She would come over, and I would assume that she just wanted to rest at home. This was wrong of me because I should have asked her if she wanted to go get a bite to eat or go meet up with friends for a drink, etc. That way she'd have the option to go out and also know that I still enjoy going out with her.

 

Because we would just sit at home, she began thinking that is all I ever wanted to do (which is NOT true). She should have brought it up to me, instead of assuming, just like I should had initiated the offer to do something instead of assuming. She and I used to have a great time together, doing all kinds of fun stuff. We just click and it just works between us. But when she got super busy with work, things began to decline. So, we would sit in bed next to each other, but I was afraid to make a move (sexually) because I knew how tired she was and I was trying to respect her and not look like a jerk pressing for sex. Because of that, she thought I wasn't attracted to her, and then would distance her self from me when were in bed together. I, in turn, picked up on this, but thought it was because she was so tired, so I believed that I definitely shouldn't make a move.

 

There were so many times when I thought about just grabbing her and making love to her, but I stopped because I thought that would be disrespectful. Then after many weeks of that, there were so many times when I wanted to bring up how I felt - that we were off, but again, I didn't because I was trying to understand that she was tired.

 

Again this was wrong on both of our parts - we should have communicated better, like we always did in the past. But with the sex issue, I was treating the situation like I did with my past relationship. My ex was very emotionally unstable. We stopped having sex the last year into a three year relationship. I would bring it up, because I like to openly communicate, and she would flip out and we'd end up in a huge fight. So, I learned to just keep my mouth shut for peace of mind.

 

Well, I brought that into this relationship. What I realize now is that I am with a completely different person and we have a completely different relationship. All we had to do was talk and not assume things. My girlfriend would not flip out like my ex. I had the best intentions in mind, but the wrong methods were employed. Instead of biting my tongue, trying to be polite, and waiting for things to get better in January (with her work schedule getting a lot better) - I should have talked to her about our feelings and stated how I feel things will get better. But I didn't.

All of this was discussed by my best friend's wife and myself, prior to her talk with my girlfriend. The exact same stuff was brought up between my girlfriend and my best friend's wife. My friend's wife told my girlfriend where I was coming from by being silent. My friend's wife knew my ex and all the drama we had. My girlfriend said that she gets what I was trying to do by being quiet about it, but felt like she just wanted me to show some passion and take control. Which I can do - I am already that way, I was just trying to be respectful.

 

I called my girlfriend last night and told her that I wanted to take her to dinner to talk - because the last time we talked about us, I was very emotional and I think that got in the way of what I was trying to say. I had found time to calm down and think about things, and I wanted to get the message across to her that our issue was simply a communication breakdown. She said that she'd call me today and we'd make plans for dinner. My thought process was if we could go to dinner, talk, get some wine, have fun again, be close with each other again, perhaps even end up having sex, that the sparks would all come back for her.

 

So, by 2pm today, I hadn't heard from her so I texted her. I didn't want to, but it was killing me sitting there waiting on her. Eventually she called me and we talked about dinner. She said she preferred to do it Tuesday night, instead of monday night, because she still hasn't had any time to herself to think (yesterday she ended up spending the day with our friends and then we met up at the bar). I really wanted her to hear what I had to say about the communication issue and how we can fix it, prior to taking time to think things over. So I pressed her to meet tonight, but gave in when she asked if we could just talk right then on the phone.

 

So, I brought up the points above. I also told her that she is dealing with the loss of her friend, her work situation, family/xmas issues and also, us. When in the past, her life was stressful, mine too, but it was easier to handle because we had such a solid relationship. I told her that if we were back on track, things wouldn't just magically disappear, but that the other issues would be easier to handle.

 

She agreed with me about the communication issues. I kept telling her that we aren't trying to overcome someone cheating, or abuse, it's a communication issue. And since we had always communicated in the past, this can be resolved. I told her that the chemistry is still there, but she said she isn't sure. She mentioned that she doesn't want to continue being together if she's not 100% sure she wants it. And I don't want that either, because that will just be worse later down the road.

 

She told me that we went from being so great to so low in a short period of time, she's not sure if and how we can get back on track. I told her that we won't know if we can get it back unless we try, but that I am sure we can and will, if we try. And now that we know what caused it, we need to at least give it our best effort to work through it. I said to her, since we were so amazing, don't you feel like we owe it to ourselves to at least try. She said yes.

 

She also said that she just needs time alone. I asked her to please try not to base decisions just off of how she is feeling now, which is probably easier said than done, but to remember the magic we had. I am glad that we were able to talk, so that I could get my points across for her to consider while spending time with just herself. At the end of the conversation, she was about to run into work and asked me if she could call me later.

 

So now what? Everyone is telling me to give her space. In fact, earlier I went and had a beer with a buddy, who just happens to be dating my girlfriend's roommate/close friend. This buddy also lives with my girlfriend and her roommate. He told me that he was in the bathroom and my girlfriend came home and he heard my girlfriend tell her roommate that she and I had just talk and now she just wants time alone.

 

One of my close female friends, that isn't friends with my girlfriend, but does knows her, told me that I need to not be so available to her. To not let her know that I am just waiting her for her. She also told me not to text or call her, period. That she should be the one to get in touch with me. She also said when I hang out with the mutual friends of me and my girlfriend, that I should not talk about how sad I am because it will get back to her. She said I need to project a bravado that I'm ok. I hate to play games, because this is first girl I have never done that with. I know that often times if you back away, they will chase you though. So I am not sure what to do.

 

She said she'd call me, but who knows when. She said she at least needed Monday and Tuesday to be alone. So do you think if I haven't heard from her after Tuesday that I should contact her? If so, when? I don't think I should call her. Some of my friends said I should just drop her a random, maybe even funny text, in a few days - basically just saying hi, not mentioning anything about missing her or stuff like that. But I don't know if that is smart. Should I back off completely? My fear is that if I do, she won't miss me or us, because lately, things were off. Then one week of no contact turns into two, etc. I don't want her to think that I am moving on and I am afraid I will give her that impression if I don't at least text her occasionally.

 

I know that I can keep from calling her for a while. It is going to be very hard on me, but I will do it. I am just not sure how to handle the texting thing. Thank you so much for all your help, I really do appreciate your advice.

[djs20]

Well, here is the latest. After we spoke 2 days ago, I gave her space and did not call or text. Yesterday afternoon, she texted me and asked how I was doing. I said I was good, that I was staying hopeful. I asked her what she was doing and she said that she was extremely busy preparing for New Years Eve (she has to manage a restuarant during that day and then work in a club that night as a cocktail/bottle server). We made small talk back and forth - nothing about us or the situation, just simple things.

 

About 9 hours after that, we got a lot of snow in Dallas, so I sent her a text telling her to checkout the snowman I made and posted on facebook. I told her that it was supposed to be an anatomically correct version of me, but that I couldn't find a large enough carrot. Those are the kinds of things I did and said all the time - just stupid little random things that made her laugh.

 

She actually just called me to ask what I was doing. I told her that I was working - she was driving to her second job of the day. The tone of the conversation was really good. I asked her if she has been able to find some time to think about life. She said yes, that she has and she's been spending time with friends. She then said, "I was calling honey because I haven't talked to you on the phone in a couple days." I told her I was glad that she called. She said that she'd call me later when she got out of work. And I told her I was looking forward to it.

 

So, perhaps that's a good sign. I want to believe so, but I also want to play it cool and keep giving her time and space to think. But I want to try to show her that the spark can come back (since that is her concern now). Tomorrow night is New Year's Eve, a night to be spent with someone close to you. I want to go to her club about fifteen minutes before midnight, then walk up to her at midnight, give a big hug and kiss like we did just a couple nights ago when we kissed for a times (not mugging down, but kissing on the lips, face, and neck - she kept grabbing my arm and holding on to me). I'll tell her that I can't stay because I have to be somewhere to be which is true, plus she is working, but I just wanted to wish her a happy new year.

 

I still really want to go to her club tomorrow, briefly, to kiss her at midnight to hopefully make her feel something - just like we both did the other night.

A few women suggested that I should get her a manicure/pedicure /massage gift card - since she has said she needs on with her crazy work life. Her hectic schedule will dramatically slow down next week - so she could unwind with the spa day. I could have a friend drop if off to her, that way she doesn't have to deal with me (space). It's something she needs and would be able to use to relax, alone, but would also know that I am still thinking of her. The card would just say something like, "I know this week is hectic, take some time for yourself and relax." Nothing else about I miss you or any of that. Or, I could give it to her New Years Eve when I am leaving her club.

 

I am not sure if I should do that though. I want to hold back, but a lot of women have told me that girls say they want space, but that they don't want complete space - hence her texts yesterday and her call today. She has been telling me for a few weeks that she needs a mani/pedi/spa thing.

 

Any thoughts?

[Bulldozed]

I think you have a great opportunity to restore your relationship. However, in my experience, when a woman says she wants space, typically that is a sign that they're unsure of you and your relationship. The best thing you can do at this point, is back off completely, unless she initiates contact.

 

There's a push/pull theory that's going on. Though you reiterate to her that you want her to have her space, you are in fact pulling her...let her pull you and then you push back w/out being dismissive or indifferent. Let her know you're living your life, (an active life for that matter) and keep it short and sweet. If she reaches out to you, simply say, "it's great hearing from you, but I've got to run, I'm meeting some of my buddies at such and such..Let's catch up later". When you initiate contact, via Text/phone or whatever, you are in fact pulling on her. If your available, you're not a challenge...if you're not a challenge, then you'll only reinforce whatever doubts she may already be having? Let her think you're moving on. This will have an

 

I know she's having issues regarding her friends passing. To that point, she does need her time and space to grieve. Give it her, wholeheartedly. Let her initiate contact w/you. She will never get over her friends death w/or w/out counseling, however she will learn to live with it, as we all must at some point in our lives.

 

 

Remember: He/She who cares least about the relationship, controls the relationship!

[djs20]

I agree with you about the push/pull theory - that's an interesting point. The past few days, as I explained before, I have backed away and she's contacted me. The conversations, whether through text or on the phone, weren't anything major, but it was something.

 

You are right about the her being unsure - she says she just doesn't know if we can recapture that magic that we always had (until her 4 jobs started). I still believe that once we hang out in a fun setting, things will all come back (we had a lack of communication - as I explained in one of the other posts, it can be resolved). She just doesn't know if we can get to that place again, but I told her now that we know what caused it, and why, we at least owe it to our relationship to give it a try.

 

I am going to see her tonight at her work. I spoke with her boss and she's going to sneak me in the club and hide me from my girlfriend until it's time. I plan to approach her during the countdown. I am going to grab her, so her passion, tell her happy new year, and then leave.

 

You have spoken some great words of wisdom and I appreciate it. After I see her tonight, I am going to continue to wait for her to contact me. I know you probably feel I am making a mistake about new year's eve, but I want to try this to hopefully spark something inside her.

 

Maybe next week, when she has more time from work, we'll be able to meet up for drinks or something. Either way, I do agree with you that I have to let her initiate contact - it's just scary wondering what she's thinking while we are not in touch. So, I will kiss her at midnight, give her the spa thing, and tell her - you've been so consumed with life lately, take some time.

 

As fas as the notion of me being busy with life. If she was to call and we talk briefly, you think that by saying hey I have to go, let's catch up later, that won't send her a message that I don't care?

[Bulldozed]

To answer your question regarding you not caring. Remember the quote "he/she who cares least, controls the relatinoship"...as long as your respectful and friendly, it's fine...just keep it short. If you're not a challenge to her and she knows you'll always be there, it might be game,set match...over. let her pull you....but play it smart....game of chess...believe me, had i followed my own advice, who knows where I'd be right now with my ex. thankfully, i learned a lot about her after our split, so in hindsight, i'm way better off.

 

Good luck!

[djs20]

So I went up to her club last night. When I got there the place was packed. I mixed myself in with the crowd and asked a waitress which section my girlfriend was in. She pointed her out to me and then I just kept my eye on her for the next few minutes to ensure she didn't see me.

 

Once the countdown started, I approached her and she was busy pouring drinks for people (bottle service tables). She looked up and I leaned in and kissed her. She said, hold on baby. She had to finish making the drinks and hand them out. Then I leaned in again and kissed her. Both times were just for a second. She again was like, hold on a second.

 

So, I backed away from the table, and let her continue with the drink making madness. She looked up at me after about 30 seconds and gave me the universal "one second" sign with her index finger. Once she finished with the drinks, she picked up a bunch of empty glasses and then walked to me.

 

I told her, hey I know you're busy, I just wanted to say happy new year and that I love you. We then kissed for a second, she said that she loved me, that I looked nice, and then I told her that I'd talk to her later. As I walked away, her right hand was in my left hand and she squeezed it, like a little sign of affection.

 

And that was it. Short and simple. But I think it went well. I decided not to give her the spa gift certificate because I had a feeling she was going to be too busy for that. I am glad I didn't bring it in with me because it just wouldn't have worked out well - she was slammed with work. Hopefully I will find a better time for that.

 

I didn't hear from her last night. But today, she sent a text to me that said, "Thank you so very much for coming last night. It was such a sweet thing to do. I'm sorry I was so busy. I felt so horrible that you left so quickly. My night was crazy! Did you have a good night?"

 

My response, "You're very welcome baby! I knew you'd be swamped, I just wanted to kiss you at midnight. You looked really sexy by the way. I had a good night. Did you make money?"

 

She said, "I did make money! And thank you...I forgot you hadn't seen my purple dress ;)"

 

I told her, "Good, I'm glad - you were definitely busy. And yes, I hadn't seen it before, but I won't forget it ;)"

 

I spoke with one of our mutual friends earlier (this friend is my best friend's wife, the same girl that my girlfriend speaks with about the whole situation, they have been close friends for several years). My girlfriend told her that it she thought it was very romantic. She also said that at first, when I went to kiss her as she was making drinks, she thought it was a person at her table trying to kiss her. That's why she pulled back, and then realized it was me. Which is when she to me to hold on a second.

 

So, overall, I think it was a good thing. I didn't stay long, just like I had planned. And she apparently liked it. Now, I guess my next move is to continue to let her contact me and dictate the speed of things. Since she told me she needed time and space on Monday, I backed off, and she has contacted me (either through text or phone) every day.

 

I want to try to take her out on a date, but I don't think I should disrupt what seems to be working. At least not yet. I want to follow your advice about it being a chess game. I am definitely letting her call or text me (outside of last night's surprise). But I feel like last night I reminded her of how I feel, now back off from it.

 

She has dance practice tonight, and then works at the same club all night. Tomorrow she is off. But then Sunday she has a football game to dance at, so the whole day will be consumed with that. Depending on what happens with the game, she might be done with dance for the season. I am remaining hopeful that once her schedule slows (sometime this month), we will find time to reconnect.

 

I suppose I just have to ride it out for now. I want make a move to get more from her, but it's not about me, and I think I need to just let her contact me when she's ready. I have already started trying to get my life back in order (eating, working out again, etc). I don't know if she will ever come back around, but I do know now, if I pressure her, she definitely will leave.

 

Thanks for the advice. Happy New Year!

[Bulldozed]

so far I think you've played it well. Last nite could have been disastrous for you.

 

read the attached if you haven't already?

[Bulldozed]

not sure why the attachments didn't show up. read these two.

 

It's not stress that kills us, it's our reaction to it!

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?