What a Waste of Life

[Marek]

Question:

Why, whenever we seek to help you explore avenues to improve your situation, do you sabotage the responses as if there is no hope?

I am not trying to "sabotage" and respondents. I am merely stating the truth (i.e. what HASN'T worked for me). It is not my fault that what I have been doing, and trying, hasn't been working. Social interaction is a two-way street. I can give it an earnest shot but if the other party already views with utter contempt... well then it's all over. Re-read all my replies. How have I "sabotaged" efforts of help? I have merely responded to what I've tried, and what hasn't worked. I have responded with earnest answers to peoples' proposals.

 

yet all the while, you systematically put yourself down, and insist that you have this social interaction problem - yet you complain about their treatment of you....

Yes, I have this "social interaction" problem. I complain of their others' treatment of me because my social problems notwithstanding, I should be treated with courtesey and respect. Even though I'm socially messed up, I am always polite and respectful to others, no matter who they are, and I expect to be treated the same. Clearly this isn't happening; most people seem to have a black heart.

 

So, I'm sorry to be so in-your-face about it - but what do you think would work for you?

Because everything we've suggested so far, you've basically rejected as unworkable.

I DON'T know! If I knew the answer, I would not be posting on here. As I wrote above, I have tried and persisted with what has been suggested; alas it hasn't worked for me. But I HAVE tried!

[TaraMaiden]

have you tried counselling, therapy and taking life management courses?

[You'reasian]

...more excuses? dwelling on the negative?

[boogieboy]

Yes, I've joined various clubs over the years including book, squash, table tennis and chess; however, I've never gotten past my nerves and anxiety when talking to these people on a social level. And indeed, I'm viewed as an anomaly amongst these people, someone too strange to get to know. I'm too "wierd" to function at their level, and consequently haven't developed any type of relationships. It doesn't help when you're shunned by these types of people (fellow club members). In fact I often feel worse after repeated failures at bonding with them.

 

What you dont seem to see is that it IS all your fault. You said it here. People dont see you as awkward until you give them reason to. You get nervous and anxious, THEN they see you as strange. If you would stop worrying and be comfortable when people talk to you, (theres no reason to be anxious) they would want to talk to you.

 

Fix your anxiety and you will be fine. You might even be able to get people that already know you to treat you differently once you change.

 

This is all on you, its nobodys fault but your own. Get therapy, get hypnotized, do something. Stop blaming everyone else and do something about your problem. If you dont want to change, then stop asking for help.

[Marek]

I have tried counselling briefly. That's where I was told to participate in clubs, find my interests. And as I wrote on the first page, the people in these clubs have no interest in me outside of the clubs.

 

more excuses? dwelling on the negative?

Tell me what excuse I have made? I've given REASONS to everyones' responses.

 

dwelling on the negative?

Well when everyone views you as sh*t, when everyone dissapproves of you, when everyone views you with contempt, it's kinda hard to have a happy-go-lucky attitude.

[alphamale]

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

there are medications available for social anxiety, see your dr.

[boogieboy]

As so the therapist gave up on you because you didnt want to improve yourself. Well no one can help you then

[Marek]

This is all on you, its nobodys fault but your own. Get therapy, get hypnotized, do something. Stop blaming everyone else and do something about your problem.

It is my fault that I'm socially insecure, although how is it my fault that this gives people the right to treat me like sh*t because of it? It never ceases to amaze me how judgemental strangers can be.

 

If you dont want to change, then stop asking for help.

If I didn't want to change I wouldn't be posting.

 

P.S. I've been working on the anxiety issues as of late.

[You'reasian]

Tell me what excuse I have made? I've given REASONS to everyones' responses. .

 

Don't you mean excuses?

 

Well when everyone views you as sh*t, when everyone dissapproves of you, when everyone views you with contempt, it's kinda hard to have a happy-go-lucky attitude.

 

You're probably overexagerating about yourself amidst your pity party. Solution? Don't seek approval. Take care of business and drop the bruised ego at the door.

 

People view you with contempt? Kill em with kindness, be the bigger man - sometimes its good to be like Ghandi.

[Marek]

As so the therapist gave up on you because you didnt want to improve yourself. Well no one can help you then

Did I say that? No. I said I saw a therapist briefly. (I stopped seeing him due to financial constraints at the time.)

 

there are medications available for social anxiety, see your dr.

Yes\, I have. All I got was thorazine (which didn't help, other than making me feel like a zombie). He said benzo's are no good.

[Marek]

People view you with contempt? Kill em with kindness, be the bigger man - sometimes its good to be like Ghandi.

Tried that, but that just caused more disgust and hatred in others. I now just trade insult for insult. Considering I'm already universally loathed, I doubt it can get any worse, and at least this way I feel somewhat better for having a backbone.

 

I understand you should seek validation from others; however everybody needs at least a FEW people to support and believe in them.

[stapelfahrer drew]

Tried that, but that just caused more disgust and hatred in others. I now just trade insult for insult. Considering I'm already universally loathed, I doubt it can get any worse, and at least this way I feel somewhat better for having a backbone.

 

I understand you should seek validation from others; however everybody needs at least a FEW people to support and believe in them.

 

I highly doubt they actively loath you.

 

However, trading insult for insult and claiming you have a backbone is unwise. You will just end up being considered an a$$#ole and not the good kind of a$$#ole/jerk, and ACTUAL a$$#ole because of your transparent disgust and hatred of others.

[You'reasian]

Tried that, but that just caused more disgust and hatred in others. I now just trade insult for insult. Considering I'm already universally loathed, I doubt it can get any worse, and at least this way I feel somewhat better for having a backbone.

 

I understand you should seek validation from others; however everybody needs at least a FEW people to support and believe in them.

 

Its good to have a backbone. Otherwise, keep killen 'em with kindness.

 

You should NOT seek validation from others. Somethings you have to just know within yourself - regardless of what's going on outside of you.

[TaraMaiden]

Tried that, but that just caused more disgust and hatred in others. I now just trade insult for insult. Considering I'm already universally loathed, I doubt it can get any worse, and at least this way I feel somewhat better for having a backbone.

 

Disgust? hatred?

has anybody actually told you they are disgusted by you and they hate you...?

I think the term 'universally loathed' is extreme at best, and hyper-melodramatic at worst.

 

You don't actually like yourself very much, do you?

 

 

I understand you should seek validation from others; however everybody needs at least a FEW people to support and believe in them.

 

you should never seek validation from others.

The only validation you should have, is from yourself.

It's nice to get it form others, but this overall attitude and opinion you have, that you are universally loathed, and that people hate you and are disgusted by you - well, that's just bizarre.

 

I definitely think you need referral to a professional psychological therapist, because you're never going to get yourself out of this paranoia alone.

And that's what I think you're suffering from.

You need help.

And fast.

[boogieboy]

It is my fault that I'm socially insecure, although how is it my fault that this gives people the right to treat me like sh*t because of it?

P.S. I've been working on the anxiety issues as of late.

 

Its totally your fault that youre socially insecure. You can only be insecure if you let it happen. This gives everyone power over you when you let it happen. they react that way because of your insecurity. Cause and effect. You stop needing people feel secure, stop giving people power over you, you stop your insecurity.

 

What have you been doing to work on your anxiety?

[knaveman]

I think the problem is that I lack confidence and charisma; people have called me "morose", "dull" and "boring" in the past. Moreover, I lack confidence when in group situations; I won't say much for fear of coming off as "weird" or "stupid". This seems to have given people a green light to treat me like sh*t they scrapped off their shoes.

 

But the thing that really gets to me is that this lack of confidence is exacerbated by responses I get from women. If you lack confidence, like I do, women can become very curt with you; they will snap at you, and treat you with condescension. As if being less than articulate and lacking confidence gives them the right to treat me as sub-human. (Not surprisingly, I haven't been laid in FAR too long, or even had a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.)

 

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, the quiet person in a social setting does come off as "weird" so put yourself out there more. You can't get comfortable in social situations without practice. There is not magic switch that you can flip and poof you're Mr. Cool. You have to be willing to risk things to get things.

 

Stop focusing on the negative people, stop looking for the approval of people who don't approve. Stop focusing on women and focus on life as a whole, women will fall into place eventually. Start looking for the little positives in day to day life and soon you start to see bigger positives and before you know it you are a lot less unhappy. It really is that simple.

 

You have already taken the first step in change, wanting to fix some of your flaws. You are the only one who can change your life because you are the one who made it this way. Now you just have to make it what you want it to be.

[Marek]

you should never seek validation from others.

Yes, I made a typo (it's 2am, Sunday morning over here). I meant to type "I know you're NOT supposed to seek validation from others..."

 

I definitely think you need referral to a professional psychological therapist, because you're never going to get yourself out of this paranoia alone.

And that's what I think you're suffering from.

You need help.

Paranoia? Perhaps. But tell me this TaraMaiden, when you walk down the street and you see people snickering at you, you see lopsided grins, you see people squinting at you, you see people shaking their head at you, and you hear people whisper under their breath as you pass... what does all that tell you? Clearly it's all negative. And this doesn't happen "once every so often", it happens frequently. And I don't think I'm hallucinating these incidents, either.

 

What have you been doing to work on your anxiety?

I have been approaching people, initiating small talk; however most people give me a what-a-freak type look, or they'll give me a caustic smile in an attempt to humiliate me. Needless to say, because of this, these attempts at socialisation only make me feel worse about myself...

[boogieboy]

 

I have been approaching people, initiating small talk; however most people give me a what-a-freak type look, or they'll give me a caustic smile in an attempt to humiliate me. Needless to say, because of this, these attempts at socialisation only make me feel worse about myself...

 

Thats actually a really really good thing to do. That beats everything really.

 

What exactly do you say to them, or whats your latest example of how you approached someone and the situation, that made them give you that look?

Fixing that type of thing is really easy.

[skydiveaddict]

Quoted from alpha:

 

 

there are medications available for social anxiety, see your dr.

 

 

 

 

alpha's right. if you get treated for your anxiety i bet your confidence will soar. once that problem is corrected you can concentrate on the transition from beta male wimp to alpha male stud. the transition is not that tough. women will become more attracted to you and you then will have sucess.

 

the basic fomula for hitting it off w/ the ladies is to treat them like crap. it keeps them wanting to chase you. the minute you start to be "nice" to them, they will get bored & dump you.

read alph's guide to keeping women around. good luck

[Marek]

What exactly do you say to them, or whats your latest example of how you approached someone and the situation, that made them give you that look?

I don't think it's so much what I say, but rather I seem to keen to "please". Example: I'll laugh at inappropriate times, like when something was said "jokingly" however it was not meant to elicit a laugh. This makes me look strange, and thus I get strange looks. I'll constantly respond to EVERY little comment, even though I know sometimes it's not necessary to respond to EVERY little remark someone makes. The comments I make are often nonsensical and don't fit the tone of the conversation. This in turn often elicits a strange respones. Also, when I'm nervous, I can stumble over my own words or my voice comes out sounding "shaky". Hmmm... that's about all that comes to mind at the moment.

[Southern Belle]

Marek,

Have you ever heard of Toastmasters International? It is a self-confidence class that is open to the public. I have known several people that have taken part in it, and they were all happy with the results. You do have to give several speeches and take the leadership role in some group situations, but you have to remember that everyone in attendance is also there to work on confidence issues. Hope this helps. Good luck.

[Marek]

Have you ever heard of Toastmasters International?

I certainly have! I found out about it recently and have actually decided to attend Toastmasters next year. However, I'm skeptical as to how effective it'll be (plus I'm pretty apprehensive about public speaking, but it's something new and it may help).

[TaraMaiden]

I don't think it's so much what I say, but rather I seem to keen to "please". Example: I'll laugh at inappropriate times, like when something was said "jokingly" however it was not meant to elicit a laugh.

So this is unnecessary and inappropriate behaviour.....

 

I'll constantly respond to EVERY little comment, even though I know sometimes it's not necessary to respond to EVERY little remark someone makes.

So this is unnecessary and inappropriate behaviour.....

 

The comments I make are often nonsensical and don't fit the tone of the conversation.

So this is unnecessary and inappropriate behaviour.....

 

So, all this hatred and disgust you're talking about, is due to your behaving inappropriately and acting in a way outside your own comfort zone, in an effort to conform to a behaviour you believe IS appropriate, but it actually isn't?

Is it any wonder people treat you as being odd or different?

 

Why do you do these things?

Is it for the reasons I mentioned?

because you really don't have to try so hard.

 

.....have actually decided to attend Toastmasters next year. However, I'm skeptical as to how effective it'll be...

This is absolutely self-sabotaging. You're already casting doubt on something that might be extraordinarily beneficial. You're effectively setting yourself up to fail.....

[Lizzie60]

Yes, I made a typo (it's 2am, Sunday morning over here). I meant to type "I know you're NOT supposed to seek validation from others..."

 

Paranoia? Perhaps. But tell me this TaraMaiden, when you walk down the street and you see people snickering at you, you see lopsided grins, you see people squinting at you, you see people shaking their head at you, and you hear people whisper under their breath as you pass... what does all that tell you? Clearly it's all negative. And this doesn't happen "once every so often", it happens frequently. And I don't think I'm hallucinating these incidents, either.

 

I have been approaching people, initiating small talk; however most people give me a what-a-freak type look, or they'll give me a caustic smile in an attempt to humiliate me. Needless to say, because of this, these attempts at socialisation only make me feel worse about myself...

 

My gawd.. It's like my son is posting.. this is sooo what he would say exactly ..word for word....

[Southern Belle]

Marek,

Do follow through with taking part in Toastmasters. I understand that it may make you nervous, but I know several people who greatly increased their self-confidence during/after the classes. People who teach and take the classes are there to help you and themselves feel more comfortable in social situations. Do not go in thinking negatively, go in believieng that it will be a positive experience. Good luck.