What a Waste of Life

[Marek]

I have a few problems when it comes to social interaction (both with men and women, but it's worse with women) which has caused me to live a pretty isolated life.

 

I'm 25 and in total I've slept with six women, two of whom I've slept with as boyfriend-girlfriend (the rest were one-night stands). Those two relationships were both short-term, two and three months each. Both relationships ended with the girl saying, "We're just two different people."

 

I think the problem is that I lack confidence and charisma; people have called me "morose", "dull" and "boring" in the past. Moreover, I lack confidence when in group situations; I won't say much for fear of coming off as "weird" or "stupid". This seems to have given people a green light to treat me like sh*t they scrapped off their shoes.

 

But the thing that really gets to me is that this lack of confidence is exacerbated by responses I get from women. If you lack confidence, like I do, women can become very curt with you; they will snap at you, and treat you with condescension. As if being less than articulate and lacking confidence gives them the right to treat me as sub-human. (Not surprisingly, I haven't been laid in FAR too long, or even had a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.)

 

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

[TaraMaiden]

Because you believe they're right.

So what you believe, projects.

If you manifest something, that's how people will treat you.

 

You either need to find some classes in self-confidence, self-assertiveness and self-esteem, and how to build them, or - maybe more importantly - find the core basic cause for this persona you manifest in the first place.

 

You might need professional counselling, because to believe at your tender age, that this is a waste of Life, is really bordering on depression.

And that can be a very dangerous place to be in.

 

Help yourself, please.

Really.

 

good luck.

[Marek]

Because you believe they're right.

So what you believe, projects.

Not really true. I have self-worth. However, nobody else seems to see that I'm worth something... and that's what irritates me.

 

Just because I don't have social eloquence and confidence gives women a green light to treat me like nothing, to treat me with utter contempt.

 

Interestingly, women seem to be the main culprits. ( I say "interestingly" because I was always told that it is women who are the "caring", "understanding" and "sensitive" types. In my experience, however, that's is completely wrong.)

 

If you manifest something, that's how people will treat you.

So, because I'm socially insecure, and women can pick up on this, women will treat me the aforementioned ways? Very cruel, very cold-hearted, as it's basically kicking someone when they are already down.

[TaraMaiden]

I have a few problems when it comes to social interaction (both with men and women, but it's worse with women) which has caused me to live a pretty isolated life.

 

(. . .)

 

I think the problem is that I lack confidence and charisma; people have called me "morose", "dull" and "boring" in the past. Moreover, I lack confidence when in group situations; I won't say much for fear of coming off as "weird" or "stupid". This seems to have given people a green light to treat me like sh*t they scrapped off their shoes.

 

But the thing that really gets to me is that this lack of confidence is exacerbated by responses I get from women. If you lack confidence, like I do, women can become very curt with you; they will snap at you, and treat you with condescension. As if being less than articulate and lacking confidence gives them the right to treat me as sub-human. (Not surprisingly, I haven't been laid in FAR too long, or even had a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.)

 

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

 

Read the bolded parts, again:

 

now read this:

 

Not really true. I have self-worth. However, nobody else seems to see that I'm worth something... and that's what irritates me.

 

If you have self-worth, then you don't lack confidence. You can't have Self Worth, and suffer from lack of Confidence. it's an oxymoron.

You don't see yourself the way others see you, trust me. And what you think you have, others seem to believe you don't.

You believe you're worth something, but weirdly, thst's not the same as having Self-Worth either.

'Self-Worth' is knowing that the most precious person, the most wonderful gift and asset in your Life, is you. being 'Worth Something' means that you count for something, and have made a difference.....

 

either way.....

 

You can never alter the perception of other people, simply by complaining about it.

So the only way to change their perception of you - is to change you.

[betamanlet]

Not really true. I have self-worth. However, nobody else seems to see that I'm worth something... and that's what irritates me.

 

Just because I don't have social eloquence and confidence gives women a green light to treat me like nothing, to treat me with utter contempt.

 

Interestingly, women seem to be the main culprits. ( I say "interestingly" because I was always told that it is women who are the "caring", "understanding" and "sensitive" types. In my experience, however, that's is completely wrong.)

 

So, because I'm socially insecure, and women can pick up on this, women will treat me the aforementioned ways? Very cruel, very cold-hearted, as it's basically kicking someone when they are already down.

\\One of the biggest shocks that growing up taught me was women are nothing like presented in the media, in life, as innocent angels. While it's true that men are more likely to be violent, to be killers, it sociopathy is still sociopathy. I've seen women, lie,c heat, and steal and feel zero remorse far more often than I have seen that from men.

 

Virtually every female in here will agree, that if you let yourself be taken advantage of, then you deserve to be taken advantage of. That's like saying a drunk woman deserves to get raped, which of course they would not agree with, and neither would I of course, but they still view it differently for men..

 

Say there are generous men otu there, they will be taken advantage of if they allow themselves to be. Zero guilt, and "he deserved it"mentality.

[betamanlet]

Not really true. I have self-worth. However, nobody else seems to see that I'm worth something... and that's what irritates me.

 

Just because I don't have social eloquence and confidence gives women a green light to treat me like nothing, to treat me with utter contempt.

 

Interestingly, women seem to be the main culprits. ( I say "interestingly" because I was always told that it is women who are the "caring", "understanding" and "sensitive" types. In my experience, however, that's is completely wrong.)

 

So, because I'm socially insecure, and women can pick up on this, women will treat me the aforementioned ways? Very cruel, very cold-hearted, as it's basically kicking someone when they are already down.

 

women are hypercompetitive for desirable men. They will backstab like no other when they are in competitive mode. Socially insecure men are undesirable, hence your situation...

[Marek]

If you have self-worth, then you don't lack confidence. You can't have Self Worth, and suffer from lack of Confidence. it's an oxymoron.

SELF-WORTH, according to dictionary.com: the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect. As I wrote above, I believe I have things going for me, other than the social side of things. So I do have "self-worth". You wrote that if you have self-worth you have confidence. Not true. Example: One (like myself) can know they are well-educated, honest, intelligent, and polite -- they have confidence in these... but one can also know they are social misfits (like myself) and thus lack confidence in social interactions, whilst knowing they're above average in other departments.

 

People (especially women) judge one on how one PRESENTS oneself; and one isn't giving much chance with the same people for redemption of past social failures.

 

Virtually every female in here will agree, that if you let yourself be taken advantage of, then you deserve to be taken advantage of. That's like saying a drunk woman deserves to get raped, which of course they would not agree with, and neither would I of course, but they still view it differently for men..

An extreme analogy, betamanlet; however there is truth to it (not saying I condone rape, as I DON'T!).

[You'reasian]

I have a few problems when it comes to social interaction (both with men and women, but it's worse with women) which has caused me to live a pretty isolated life.

 

I'm 25 and in total I've slept with six women, two of whom I've slept with as boyfriend-girlfriend (the rest were one-night stands). Those two relationships were both short-term, two and three months each. Both relationships ended with the girl saying, "We're just two different people."

 

I think the problem is that I lack confidence and charisma; people have called me "morose", "dull" and "boring" in the past. Moreover, I lack confidence when in group situations; I won't say much for fear of coming off as "weird" or "stupid". This seems to have given people a green light to treat me like sh*t they scrapped off their shoes.

 

But the thing that really gets to me is that this lack of confidence is exacerbated by responses I get from women. If you lack confidence, like I do, women can become very curt with you; they will snap at you, and treat you with condescension. As if being less than articulate and lacking confidence gives them the right to treat me as sub-human. (Not surprisingly, I haven't been laid in FAR too long, or even had a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.)

 

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

 

Perception is reality. You can be a relatively low-key individual and you are seen as dull or boring, no matter what you do.

 

A buddy of mine comes across as dull and inactive, even though he sky dives and does other kinds of extreme sports - go figure. Can't always judge a book by its cover (although it gives you something to work with)

[TaraMaiden]

semantics and dictionary definitions aside - the only cure to your problem, is within you.

If you project yourself in a certain way (and it seems from your post, that for whatever reason, you do) then that's how people will respond to you.

if you want to change it - change it.

Sorry, but it really is that simple.

[Marek]

if you want to change it - change it.

Sorry, but it really is that simple.

TaraMaiden, I understand that I have to change my mindset and attitude, but you still did NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION FROM THE ORIGINAL POST, THIS:

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

[MyNameIsJonas]

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

 

Tara's point was that you need some assistance with self-confidence because you are concluding that the majority of women views you as a loser. That statement is far from true. Maybe a majority of the women you have met or run into think that but that represents a very small portion of the overall population of women in at least your region.

 

If you build your confidence and start realizing that the problem lies with the women and not you, meaning there is nothing wrong with you, then the women you don't know and have yet to meet will see you as the confident person you desire to be.

[Marek]

If you build your confidence and start realizing that the problem lies with the women and not you, meaning there is nothing wrong with you, then the women you don't know and have yet to meet will see you as the confident person you desire to be.

That's how I view it. I view myself only as a "social loser". With regard to everything else I'm fine.

 

Maybe a majority of the women you have met or run into think that but that represents a very small portion of the overall population of women in at least your region.

Of course, I do not know what the overall population of women (and men) think of me; but from the hunderds I have met over my life, this is what they think of me, merely because of my social shortcomings. So, if I were to meet the ENTIRE population of the city, with the predication of the hundreds I have already met and few me as nothing, then MOST of the city few this way.

[You'reasian]

That's how I view it. I view myself only as a "social loser". With regard to everything else I'm fine.

 

Of course, I do not know what the overall population of women (and men) think of me; but from the hunderds I have met over my life, this is what they think of me, merely because of my social shortcomings. So, if I were to meet the ENTIRE population of the city, with the predication of the hundreds I have already met and few me as nothing, then MOST of the city few this way.

 

Wouldn't worry too much about other's perceptions. If you're happy being low-key, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people prefer it this way, whether extroverted or introverted.

[Marek]

Wouldn't worry too much about other's perceptions. If you're happy being low-key, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people prefer it this way, whether extroverted or introverted.

Being low-key is fine. But being low-key due to social stupidity isn't.

 

What really bothers me is that women are supposedly more "in-tune" to others' feelings and behaviour; however when they see someone who isn't socially able, rather than make that person feel more at ease or better about themselves, they show nothing but contempt and disgust to that person, thereby exacerbating that person's confidence. It's nothing but cold-heartedness and snobbery. I, on the other hand, have always treated everyone as equals no matter what their intelligence, social skills, ethnicity, etc.

[boogieboy]

Of course, I do not know what the overall population of women (and men) think of me; but from the hunderds I have met over my life, this is what they think of me, merely because of my social shortcomings. So, if I were to meet the ENTIRE population of the city, with the predication of the hundreds I have already met and few me as nothing, then MOST of the city few this way.

 

Well then your answer is simple. DONT socialize with the women that already know you. Cut them out of your life.

 

Go meet new women, and then you can appear confident to them, until you truly are confident, and they wont treat you like the old women did. You can build up comfidence iun a social situation this way.

 

To appear confident to the old women, you actually have to act totally different. If they are curt or snap at you, you snap at them better, it will change their minds immediately. Think you can handle that?

 

I dont think you want to change anyway, you want everyone to change around you. Its not going to happen.

[Marek]

Go meet new women, and then you can appear confident to them, until you truly are confident, and they wont treat you like the old women did. You can build up comfidence iun a social situation this way.

Indeed. But where and how? How do I meet new people. My social group is small and I'm not respected at all. Also, gaining this confidence is easier said than done. It's kind of like telling a crack-addict "Just pretend you don't smoke crack, then one morning you'll wake up and won't put a crack-rock in your pipe..."

[You'reasian]

Indeed. But where and how? How do I meet new people. My social group is small and I'm not respected at all. Also, gaining this confidence is easier said than done. It's kind of like telling a crack-addict "Just pretend you don't smoke crack, then one morning you'll wake up and won't put a crack-rock in your pipe..."

 

Expand your horizons.

 

A buddy of mine joined a tennis group and volunteers for a cause he believes in. In these activities, he's met some new and interesting people and as a result, he's created two new circles of friends who share a common interest.

Edited December 26, 2009 by You'reasian

[Marek]

Expand your horizons.

 

A buddy of mine joined a tennis group and volunteers for a cause he believes in. In these activities, he's met some new and interesting people.

Yes, I've joined various clubs over the years including book, squash, table tennis and chess; however, I've never gotten past my nerves and anxiety when talking to these people on a social level. And indeed, I'm viewed as an anomaly amongst these people, someone too strange to get to know. I'm too "wierd" to function at their level, and consequently haven't developed any type of relationships. It doesn't help when you're shunned by these types of people (fellow club members). In fact I often feel worse after repeated failures at bonding with them.

[You'reasian]

Yes, I've joined various clubs over the years including book, squash, table tennis and chess; however, I've never gotten past my nerves and anxiety when talking to these people on a social level. And indeed, I'm viewed as an anomaly amongst these people, someone too strange to get to know. I'm too "wierd" to function at their level, and consequently haven't developed any type of relationships. It doesn't help when you're shunned by these types of people (fellow club members). In fact I often feel worse after repeated failures at bonding with them.

 

Well, its working for him. No excuses. He's living it. You should too

[Marek]

[/Well, its working for him. No excuses. He's living it. You should too QUOTE] How am I supposed to "live it" when clearly I'm disliked on a social level?

[Lizzie60]

I have a few problems when it comes to social interaction (both with men and women, but it's worse with women) which has caused me to live a pretty isolated life.

 

I'm 25 and in total I've slept with six women, two of whom I've slept with as boyfriend-girlfriend (the rest were one-night stands). Those two relationships were both short-term, two and three months each. Both relationships ended with the girl saying, "We're just two different people."

 

I think the problem is that I lack confidence and charisma; people have called me "morose", "dull" and "boring" in the past. Moreover, I lack confidence when in group situations; I won't say much for fear of coming off as "weird" or "stupid". This seems to have given people a green light to treat me like sh*t they scrapped off their shoes.

 

But the thing that really gets to me is that this lack of confidence is exacerbated by responses I get from women. If you lack confidence, like I do, women can become very curt with you; they will snap at you, and treat you with condescension. As if being less than articulate and lacking confidence gives them the right to treat me as sub-human. (Not surprisingly, I haven't been laid in FAR too long, or even had a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.)

 

In essence, what I'm asking is this: How am I supposed to be this suave, confident, socially able guy when I'm just viewed by the MAJORITY of the population (women in particular!) as a loser and thus treated accordingly?

 

You remind me, a little, of my own son... he's also 25.. never had sex (I don,t think).. never had a gf.. he's an hermite.. never goes out.. has absolutely no social life.. has only a few male friends.. that he sees once in a while..

 

I am totally lost as to how to help him.. I don,t have any advices for you.. but I am curious to read advices or thoughts you will get on this thread..

 

I feel so helpless.. so sad.. for him.

 

I know that shy people cannot become social butterflies overnight.. you cannot really change who you really are... you are who you are.. and it's OK...

 

There is not really anything wrong with being isolated IMO.. if that's what you prefer.. not everyone is suave and extra confident.. it's like everything else.. I prefer to be 'alone'.. I like my space..

 

It's when you feel inadequate, lonely and unhappy that there is a problem..

[You'reasian]

[/Well, its working for him. No excuses. He's living it. You should too QUOTE] How am I supposed to "live it" when clearly I'm disliked on a social level?

 

Bet you keep coming up with excuses and no action?

[TaraMaiden]

Question:

Why, whenever we seek to help you explore avenues to improve your situation, do you sabotage the responses as if there is no hope?

 

You seek to offload your personal issues, insisting thst everyone else is the crux of your problem, and that all solutions are ultimately non-productive, futile and too much like hard work. Besides, it's not you, it's them....

 

yet all the while, you systematically put yourself down, and insist that you have this social interaction problem - yet you complain about their treatment of you....

 

You know what your main problem appears to be?

You're an emotional vampire.

 

So, I'm sorry to be so in-your-face about it - but what do you think would work for you?

Because everything we've suggested so far, you've basically rejected as unworkable.

[Marek]

There is not really anything wrong with being isolated IMO

Lizzie60, I think there is much wrong with being socially isolated. Humans are social creatures, to not have social interaction causes a myriad of problems: loneliness, depression, frustration, anger, etc. TRUE loners prefer to be on their own... but they DON'T want total isolation. Everybody needs somebody. To not have human contact, or a very limited amount of human contact, causes the above-mentioned problems.

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. this is soooo sad.. You, like my son, are very smart.. but yet.. socially inadequate..

 

I have suggested therapy to my son.. but he doesn't think he's got such a big problem.. but I know he does..