Moving too slow?

[LostInLA]

I don't even know where to start but I'll try.

 

Basically I've been on 2 dates with this guy, our first date was about 20 days ago.

 

He was the one who approached me and ended up asking me out, both dates were really low key, one was at an art museum and the other was ice skating.

 

All seems fine but things are going REALLY slow. Another factor is that we hang out at some of the same bars/clubs and I was apprehensive about dating him because I didn't want my spots to be ruined. But I just said to myself, why not, I'll take a chance.

 

So during our 2nd date we ended up talking about our recent ex's. I was curious about his story as I could tell he was taking things super slow. We are in similar situations, both out of LTR but his break up happened 3-4 months ago whereas mine was 9 months ago and I know I'm ready to start dating. (He said he's over things but who knows if that's true.)

 

Over the next few days after our 2nd date I started to become concerned that I scared him off with my story because 10 years is a long time (his was 6 years with his ex). However I felt better when a mutual friend of ours invited him out with us for a dinner out and he accepted. (He's vegan, the venue was not really except for one side dish, but he came anyways).

 

So I saw him out tonight and he basically talks with me the majority of the night but the flirting is basically through conversation - no touching or anything physical. I try to initiate some physical flirting, it's received but none is really initiated by him.

 

At the end of the night he walked me to my car and I decided to just go for holding his hand. When we had to cross the street he let go and he gave me a hug at my car and basically said, "see ya later."

 

Also, he never calls or texts me. I texted him the night he came out to eat afterwards and said it was so good to you and he replied back you too, talk soon.

 

I'm not sure what to make of all of this, we've barely held hands and doesn't really keep in contact with me (probably because he knows he'll see me out?) and he hasn't asked me on a 3rd date. However when I do see him, he seems interested in me.

 

Is he just trying to take this slow? Am I being impatient? I'm not looking to jump into anything serious but damn, a kiss would be good!

 

During our 2nd date, I invited him to this party I'm going to on NYE and he said he's gonna see what his friends are doing, but just recently our mutual friend invited him and then told me he's going to the party. Is he saving our first kiss for NYE?

 

Should I consider ending this soon or see how patient I can be? It's been almost a month and no kiss.

[TaraMaiden]

Bluntly? I don't think he's in to you.

 

I think that if he had finished a relationship, was over it and was keen to start dating again, he would have been a bit more interactive.

However, if he had finished a relationship, but was in 'rebound mode' he would still have been more interactive.

 

The fact that he's been so detached, non-committal and distant, would say to me exactly that.

He's not going to get any closer.

 

Sorry, but I wouldn't pin my hopes on anything happening - New year's eve, or any other time.

Go out and get some fun elsewhere.

He's not it.

[StartingOver2010]

I am in a very similar situation to you. I have been talking to this guy for three weeks and we have gone out on two dates. He never makes plans after the dates ends and usually waits about three days to contact me. Just when I am over it, I get a text message or a phone call. I hear you when you say it is just weird. I was starting to agree with Tara and think that he just wasn't into me, but then why would he keep contacting me? The same for you, if he was not interested at all then why would he agree to go places he knows that you will be? Maybe he is seeing others? Maybe he is waiting to see if anything better comes along? I don't know, but if you figure it out let me know because I am just as baffled.

[DustySaltus]

From a guys perspective his actions could mean a bunch of different things. First off, he was in a 6 year relationship and he's only been single 3-4 months. I just don't think that's enough time. I know when my ex and broke up I went through a "mourning period" where I couldn't see myself hooking up with anyone else, let alone dating anyone else until recently. I had gone the rebound route right away in a past relationship (which was about 5-6 years) and not only didn't it do anything for me but it made that woman hate me in the process. It's a mistake that i would never make again.

 

So what I'm trying to say is that everyone has a different period of healing. Now if he's hooking up with other girls I would agree with Tara. I f you decided to move on, I wouldn't blame you either because there could be a lot of heavy lifting involved here. However, if you think he could be worth it you need to have a talk with him to see where his head is at. Based on that, you can make a decision.

Edited December 26, 2009 by DustySaltus
spelling

[LostInLA]

Thanks very much for your input!

 

It just seemed weird to me because he was the one who approached me. Before that I had seen him around and wanted to meet him but I was making it a point to not really go after anyone as I'm not wanting to really get into anything serious.

 

The funny thing is that I wasn't all that into him at first. But I went on the first date anyways and he asked me a lot about myself. I tried to reciprocate.

 

He never called or texted me after the first date but he knew he would see me out so that is probably why. I was wondering how it would when I would see him out and he seemed interested because he would find me and talk with me the majority of the nights.

 

For the 2nd date, he didn't ask me out directly, he pretty much said let me know when you'd like to go ice skating and i said anytime (this was when I saw him out, not via phone or text). After 3 days I didn't hear from him so on the 4th day I texted him and he replied a couple hours later and then we made plans.

 

When we had our talk about our recent ex's, it seemed like we're both on the same page in a sense: enjoying our newly single lives by rediscovering ourselves and being able to do anything we want at any time.

 

So it seems to me that he is interested because he has no obligation to talk to me the majority of the time when I see him out, he will seek me out and such and we do have some flirty chat.

 

It's just so confusing but I don't want to bring up anything yet because I don't want him to get the wrong idea or feel pressured, I just want to know if he's interested in me. lol

 

Edited to add: Oh also, I'm wondering now that I've shown interest if that is waning his interest in me? lol

Edited December 26, 2009 by LostInLA

[boogieboy]

I dont think he ever had any interest in you. Had nothing to do with anything you did. I think ihe isnt over his ex yet, but he is trying to rush the process by dating. Knowing someone wants you initially helps you forget about an ex, but after that it doesnt work anymore. That could be why he asked you out. So I'd say leave the guy alone, he has alot of dating to go though before he will actually think about someone other than his ex.

[LostInLA]

Well I'm certainly not bugging him, I don't call or text him. He comes up to me when we see each other out. There are a ton of other girls he could be talking to, and yes, I've seen him chat with other girls but then for some reason he ends up talking with me the majority of the night, so I just feel like I'm getting mixed signals or something.

 

I do agree he's probably not ready to date. Which is fine. I'm not looking for anything. This whole thing found me in the first place.

[sagetalk]

Tell him how you feel. Maybe he just moves slow. Why would you just dump him for moving slow? To me, that's just lame. If he's seeing other girls that's one thing, but if you're it, I don't think it's fair to just cut him loose for moving slow. However, if you want a guy that rams his tongue down your throat on date 2, then go date a guy that does that. He's probably unsure about you and is taking it slow. A smart guy if you ask me.

[LostInLA]

Oh I don't mind moving slow AT ALL! This whole thing is actually sort of perfect for me, except I can't tell if he's interested and taking it slow or if maybe I'm getting friend zoned.

 

It's just that he's been a real gentleman when I see him out and on our dates. There's just no communication in between, but he is super busy and such but his attentiveness towards me is confusing.

 

I really thing a huge factor is that we see each other out on a weekly basis.

 

Ugh, I'm so confused. haha

 

And I'm nervous about saying anything, as I don't want to wreck it by accidentally making him feel pressured.

 

However, if I do talk to him, how should I go about setting up this kind of conversation? It shouldn't be over the phone and I don't want to ask him "can we talk" lol

 

Meh...maybe I'm in denial or something. I guess I'll just roll with this through New Year's and then cut my losses if nothing progresses?

Edited December 26, 2009 by LostInLA

[sagetalk]

Good, the fact that you don't mind him going slow tells me you are a smart girl. Also, take a deep breath and calm down a little.

 

If this is bothering you to the point that you are thinking of letting him go, then I would tell him. However, I think the best thing you could do is just let things happen naturally. Don't try to play God and force things into happening. Unless he told you, "Lets just be friends", then the odds are he probably is attracted to you. He is just moving slow, maybe he's been hurt pretty bad in the past. See other guys, have fun, keep in contact with him, and go out with him when he asks you out. I see no reason to let him alter your life. Keep on living and whatever happens, happens . I think cutting him off too soon, or having a "get serious about me or we are done" talk would be a big mistake though.

[LostInLA]

Thanks sagetalk,

 

I guess this is what I've been thinking, but the somewhat mixed signals makes me confused about his interest and if I should let my feelings develop or not.

 

I'm going to just roll with it, we are obviously not starting anything serious and I hope he does ask me out again but I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket just yet.

 

He's a good guy, I can tell, and I think he just got really hurt and might be scared to get involved with someone right now. Asking me out shows interest, giving me attention when we happen to be out at the same bar shows interest right?